Oh Purple. What a complete nothing he is to make you feel your dc would be better with him, and not you. NO, no, no. I've never met you but just knowing what you've said about him - just no. I can see that the shit would stop - temporarily - but it would only be replaced with different shit. They'd want to come back, he'd mess them up, they'd grow up thinking the way he behaves is ok.
I've come to the conclusion that most of the angst is caused by trying to steer an impossible path. So the path has to change. We care about our kids above everything. We're sad our relationship with their dads has broken down. We know these men are shit, but we want to protect our kids from that knowledge.
But actually we can't, and really it's not fair to lie to them. They know what their dads are like, on different levels, at various points through their lives. If we keep giving them conflicting messages, they won't know what's right and wrong. They see us upset, they see us struggle, they know it's their dad's fault. What do we do? We pretend, we lie, we reframe, we cover up.
Does this work? No. So many threads on here where women say they knew how their dad treated their mum. Or they're glad they split up because life with him gone was better. I've stopped covering up. When twat sent me that text today about the form we were out, our first day together over half term. They saw my reaction, dd said is that dad? I said yes, and read them the text. I've since told them what's transpired, and that dad is making my life difficult, which in turn will make their life difficult.
They're off for a long weekend with him tomorrow. We're packing, they're quite excited, so I'm excited with them. But only in a general sense. Ds just said dad says I have to go on the halloween walk, but I don't want to. Dad said "You're going." Ds asked me why would he make me. I said because sometimes he's unkind and a bully. My ds is scared of his own shadow, twat probably thinks he'll knock it out of him. I said to ds you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
My dc are better off with a healthy, strong me and the knowledge their dad is far from perfect. Alternatively, I crumble, he's still a twat, and they grow up with a broken mum and still a twat for a dad.
So, fuck em. Expose their lies. Tell them that their kids think they're mean/unkind/unfair. Tell them their kids don't like their new partner/their parenting - them ! I'm not tying myself in knots anymore. Yes, there'll be some fallout from the kids now and again. I can cope with that.
These men are all sorts of wrong. We've rumbled them, they're just scared little boys underneath.