support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Lol oh yes! I just want him to go, he's refusing to leave ATM

weight of disappointment Yes that's exactly how to describe it. It's physical, in your chest. It's so painful when other people let us down isn't it, it's a betrayal all over again and I think it does do terrible things to your trust. It's so difficult but I always think it's better to know what someone has the capacity for, than to blindly trust they are genuine or who you want them to be (no prizes for guessing who I learnt that lesson from). So sorry to hear you don't feel able to trust your mum.

I want to watch Blackadder! Can we get a portable DVD player for the Duster Mobile? We'd need subtitles of course, we'd never hear it over the Queen. I'm trying to think of cunning plans, but they're all beyond ridiculous, I'm no good at this game!

trying Yes mine did that too. They're not at all original are they. Do you have the option to leave if it comes to it?

Trying welcome. Well, that sounds just like the sort of shit we all deal with so jump aboard!

Lucky you will learn from us and deal with him quicker! Now don't believe a word he says.
Ignore all of his communication no matter how hurtful, direct and barbed.
Come straight here and bleat it all out because I promise it definitely makes it feel better.

Dung that sounds like the perfect solution, thank you!

greencar with my mum it's more that she's made a decision that skews where I thought her loyalties lay. I can kind of understand why she's made the decision she has, but it's so terribly hurtful. My sibling has recently gone nc because of it, although it's a many layered situation with them and my mum. So I have lost that person too. Hopefully it can be repaired.

I like the DVD idea for the Duster Mobile. My favourite episode ever was the Rick Myall one, as Lord Flashheart. Just crazy.

I'm not sure how cunning I can be, but I guess I'll find out. There's a great story told on MN by a poster who went in to a certain shop because she knew the guy she fancied went there. He was looking at something on a shelf so she attempted a slinky, can I just lean past you there, manoeuvre. Unfortunately she slipped and fell, right in front of him. To cover her embarrassment she pretended she was asleep on the floor!!

I hope I'm not forced to do something like that.

Gah
The WN didn't pay the childminder.
He moved the contact from Wed (too lazy to take DS to club) to Tue. I work so I pay for childcare and have repeatedly told him he must pay if he wants a Tuesday.

He didn't. No more contact for WN.

(Trying, it means WANK NARC and was made up by can't remember.... someone tell me??)

Dung I completely get it, it's simple, he wants Tue night he sorts out CM. Just saying that, as if he tries to make you think you're being unreasonable, you really aren't. He's a twat.

Your "sort of shit we have to deal with" is a good summary of the similar stress will all face

Mr Happy would probably make lettuce droop, it would be on stale bread...flowers from the cemetary. Shame I won't be the lucky girl enjoying that night!

Thanks all - you're all probably right. Another day of breaking my heart but just in time I realise again how he tries to mess with my head. I just handed some of his possessions to him and asked in writing for him to confirm that I have given them to him. No response. I suppose the next thing is he will deny I gave them to him...

Frog
Re write the email

I am confirming that today I gave you xx and yy possessions. If I do not hear from you via email within 24 hours then I consider this to be a full conclusion of the delivery of all possessions of yours from the family home.

Good night. Wank Narc. Fuck off

Ooops. May have had a or several two and been chatting to a nice man from a dating site.

Frog - yes to what dung said. I always do this after a face to face conversation (although those are rare these days) ...

Hi

Just to confirm our earlier conversation re 'X y z' blah blah blah.

Thanks

I often put something in that he needs to respond to so that he does respond (which proves he's read it type thing). Becomes a habit to do this after a while and whilst it should be unnecessary it's only a couple of minutes.

My ex is known affectionately as KH (knobhead). I've actually referred to him as that to my mum as I just call him it now!! When he got a second phone number I put it under Richard (cranium). We've got to find the humour in it somewhere...!

The email idea is good, I need to start doing that after the fantastical conversations I have with ex. Yesterday when he was demanding I get a webcam so he can skype with DD and I explained I literally don't have any money for that right now (my unemployment hasn't come through yet since I finished my charity shop placement) so he asked why OH doesn't pay, I explained that its not for OH to pay for things like that (he would if I asked him of course, but money is really tight right now so I'm not going to ask) as legally OH isn't financially responsible for DD but ex seems to think he is. OH overheard ex demanding that he be financially responsible for DD so he said alright then, if you sign over all responsibility for DD over to me Ex pays no child support, pays nothing towards medical bills (we have to pay co-pays here) pays nothing for nursery, pays nothing for other essentials, just buys plastic tat for her when he sees her and sweets.

Welcome trying hope you get your ex to leave soon

Blackadder and Queen - you lot have excellent taste (except in ex's of course!)

It'all have to be text - his email no longer works.

Natsku - he really is delusional, isn't he?

My ex husband paid maintenance for around 18 months and demanded I give him a breakdown of how the money was spent and that I open a bank account registered to son's social security number (we live in the U.K.) so it could all be tracked 'for accounting purposes'. Insane.

What a nutcase!

Frog you can buy software that downloads texts into a PDF.
So keep your phone backed up. And then rest assured that whilst your communication is effective, his is being recorded.

Switch your mindset. Perhaps type the message in email format then lift it into a text. We do communicate differently on the diff mediums.

Christ Nat, you have to wonder how these people get through life. All logic
Just goes out the window when it comes to irrational, point scoring demands.

I do account for every penny of maintenance I get, and write my spending down in a budget book (from Wilkos). Usually get half way through the month and it runs out. XH is very welcome to have a look at it any time. He'd be shocked by how much children cost, he doesn't have a clue. He's delighted of course that they play instruments, dance, play sport. It doesn't occur to him that the endless amount of subs and tuition fees have to be paid. I don't know where he thinks the money goes (he has complained he is 'funding my lifestyle' which is going out - never'). He has now forbidden me from planning any weekends away as he doesn't know his work schedule. So he has actually instructed me to not plan ahead for my one night off each month - which is the only night I get to spend with my boyfriend.

Dung, any idea where I can get that kind of software?

So he's been seeing this new person for about a month and lo and behold this months maintenance doesn't get paid, I left it 3 days then messaged today, oh I forgot...

How can you forget to contribute financially to your child ffs, do WE forget?!!! no!

Hopefully this is a sign he's losing interest - although I cannot see his family letting him.

Foof I've used an app 'SMS backup and restore' to change text messages into one PDF. Then emailed and printed it. It was a bit fiddly. I have an android phone.

thanks, will check it out, I have the sims and old phones saved and would like to get the messages from them saved, just in case, for the future should there come a time I need to show things to DD when she's older :/ how sad that we have to think of things like this to justify our actions and to prove we weren't in the wrong :(

Foof do you have an iPhone? I have been screenshotting texting messages then emailing them to myself and cutting and pasting into a Word document. Making sure the screen shot shows the date etc.

I downloaded imazing
I have an iPhone. It cost £28 or so.
I kept trying to get free ones but couldn't find any. This one is straight forward and pulls the back ups off iTunes.
Pages of messages. !

Today he has kicked off about paying the childminder. And emailed to say he will deduct it from this months maintenance.

Duly add financial abuse to his never ending list.

dung ugh. Twat.

Mine, oh where to start. The lies. Oh the lies.

I back screenshots up to the cloud but like the idea of putting them all in a pdf, thanks for the info everyone.

Sorry - here I go again - I feel like I need a massive information/emotion dump but I honestly don't know where to start.