support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Welcome stripy. It is shit. Commiseration for being in our 'gang'. We get it though and will help if we can.

Dung 'document if doom' Perfect name. I have avoided filling mine out for about a month now (I know I have to do it and I have all texts/emails and dates so I can - but Jesus, it is soul destroying) Try to dis-engage some more, virtually impossible I know, but one of the best weapons you have against him and for self preservation and future building.

'Of doom' of course!

Hi duck. It good to hear that initially the csa were good& helpful.
What a pain to have to wait now , especially because of some bad/off advice! 🍰 . I hope they get it sorted in the end.
I used the online calculator when working out how much to ask X for. X is self employed so "real" wage and "earned" wage are different (unfortunately).
I calculated on real wage. X pays on earned. Morally this is so wrong but after taking some advice - Ive been told I can't "do" anything about it.
It makes my blood boil .
especially when X asked for clothes for Ds from here yet X can afford to go away over half term - eat out et al... and every month - the money doesn't automatically transfer, no . the controlling sod .
I need to fricking beg ask for it. If I didn't, there wouldn't be anything.! 😳.
Anyway... Enough of that

Purple ; yes it really is shit at times and sometimes nothing can change that! It is very very unfair.

Welcome stripy

Sad today. DS's birthday but he's with xh but can't wait to come home, not a nice feeling.
I don't have changes in behaviour but I do notice that he's been feeling sad for "no reason" of late. He tells me this and wants to understand but I refuse to play the narc game of putting ideas in his head so have been trying to give him strategies to cope with his emotions and also telling him that I have moments like that too. Just knowing that other people feel that way seemed to cheer him up. Still, it leaves me feeling upset and angry. Nothing that hasn't been mentioned here already but just thought I'd write it down to get it out of my system a bit.

Can't help with csa advice so just sending my support.

Hi 2012 yes it's so unfair. I try to take encouragement from what I've read about those people being attracted to the good and generous among us, but it's still not right.
I think what makes it hard is that people who haven't experienced it find it hard to believe, so we can feel isolated at times. I've found though that gradually those who know us both are coming round to my point of view without me having to say anything. Their behaviour seems to catch up with them and they can't keep burning bridges forever...

Oh [heart] . Your ds's birthday. Happy birthday to him 🎂 And some 🍷🍸for you .

Thanks 2012 I'd love to have a drink to celebrate, maybe after work ;)
He's such a lovely, sensitive boy and made me smile the other day saying he thinks he'll "be a good daddy when I grow up, just like you're a good mummy" shucks He does great impressions of the minions too Trying not to look at baby photos or get mushy!

Happy birthday to mini sinking heart. What a wonderful thing to say to you, he sounds lovely and squishy.

I mentioned up thread my friend who discovered her dp was having an affair. Her dd is my dd's best friend. Well, she confronted him, denial then minimisation, now he's moved in with OW.

My dd, who had a sleepover last night, phoned me this morning. She told me her friend's dad had moved in with his friend, and asked if she could come round to ours. She said thing is mum, me and x have been through a similar thing, so we understand and I can help her. I'm so proud of her.

Might be seeing my "heart jump" man today, not likely, but would be nice.

aw thanks dusters and your dd sounds lovely too, so empathic and mature, proud mummy moment for you !

Like the sound of heart jumper happy for you..

Happy birthday to your son sinking!

Oooo good luck with heart jump man dusters

to all trying to deal with CSA and CMS. I'm not even going to go there, I'll rant until tomorrow.

Happy birthday to your DS sinking!

dusters your DD sounds lovely, wise and empathetic like her mum update on heart jumper please!

lilac unbelievable, I'm still shaking my head at the fried egg on toast. Imagine if you went on to get married, what would the cake be, a fondant fancy?

Thanks nat and green missing him loads today.

No heart jump man today I'm afraid. I drive past his house on the way to where I work this afternoon, saw his car was there, so knew it was unlikely I'd see him. Oh well.

Frog I suddenly thought today that it wasn't until a year after our split that I began to really think about him/us. I'd been so busy making sure the kids were ok, concentrating on the practical side of life, that I'd kind of parked it. You said in your post that the kids were settled, etc, and now you were feeling really bad about the split. So perhaps that's what's happened, you've suddenly got the headspace to reflect on it all, and it's all come rushing at once.

greencar "fondant fancy"

With a cocktail umbrella sticking out the top

Maybe tomorrow for heart jump man?

frog I think there's probably a lot in what dusters said there. I was relatively ok for a while after I left, I was busy getting things sorted, concentrating on DC, the sense of oh I actually did it!! But a good few months on and there I am so upset that I feel worse now, why do I feel like this, why isn't it getting better not worse? I heard it's not unusual and that also the WNs can ramp it up a bit a few months on when they realise you're really not coming back, which doesn't help. I guess all we can do is ride it out.

Dusters, greencar fondant fancy with umbrella may be too rich for him, probably plain cupcake be enough haha.

I'm now paying about £30 a month for 6 months on 'Elite' site. Two interesting options, but I'm not overly optimistic as easier to be positive through messaging as I found out with misery-guts!

I though my lull was building to something and it has. DCs keep saying that "daddy tells us not to say x" and I calmly explain that it takes two to argue, so I'm stepping away as it's the right thing to do. They think this is great and my calmer approach is helping DS with his SEN (ADHD). Ex tried to push buttons by not congratulating our DD on passing important exams. Now, like other ex's on here, he's missed a private payment for child maintenance. I've waited 15 days as solicitor's were sorting consent order forms, but I need him to pay so have had to ask him for it. I'm considering CSA/CMS as I need reliable payments. Sounds like mixed experiences on here.

frog I know I missed the 'dream' of having a complete family and had held onto hope until the very bitter end that he'd become the person I thought he could be. Afterwards, I had to face that he'd started to be physically controlling and coercive and that I had been prepared to ignore and put up with a lot to keep the peace. I split mentally in two as I didn't want to be alone but I knew he was my worst enemy. He wanted access to me in the house and for me to grateful for his 'crumbs' of support. Do you have 'divided' feelings that you're working through?

This site is great counselling. It's good to share. for everyone for the shit we face at hands of narcs.

I know I missed the 'dream' of having a complete family and had held onto hope until the very bitter end that he'd become the person I thought he could be. Afterwards, I had to face that he'd started to be physically controlling and coercive and that I had been prepared to ignore and put up with a lot to keep the peace. I split mentally in two as I didn't want to be alone but I knew he was my worst enemy. He wanted access to me in the house and for me to grateful for his 'crumbs' of support.

We've lived the same life

And now I've taken a minute to get over the heartache of recognising that, a lot of the ways in which the CMS operate are deeply frustrating but using them does mean you have chance of getting paid something, regularly. If you go down that route, make sure from the off that you say he's been abusive.

On a lighter note ... probably a dry, left over cupcake from a multipack

I too feel robbed of the family life the DCs deserve and should have had. It makes me resentful still.

Lilac imagine your Valentine's Day meal with Mr Happy! Two Ryvitas with low fat cottage cheese, celery, and a Rich Tea for pudding...mmmmm.

My encounters with Heart Jump man are very random. It's only really this afternoon I ever see him to talk to. I may need to be more cunning....

Being with my friend who's dp had the affair has knocked me a bit. Hearing the shit he's saying to her, seeing now how he's trying to make it all her fault, manipulate her, it's so horrible.

Also not looking forward to the possible confrontation tomorrow when ex most probably refuses to sign the form I need him to. I'm feeling a bit like one match and I'll go up in flames. I'm so sick of seeing good, decent women being treated badly by these creeps.

For some reason all the pain and angst caused to my immediate and wider family is with me again at the moment. I had dealt with it, was mostly at peace with it, but now I can feel the old feelings flooding back. I'm finding it hard to deal with the about turn in so many people I knew, some I'd known all my life. The deceit, the lies, the naked selfishness, I just don't understand. I've lost so much and I can see I could lose more. It makes me want to retreat and create a whole new life, but then am I just running away.

Sorry that's all a bit garbled but the details are very outing. Just needed to have a gggrrrrr.....

It's ok dusters, we understand. Sometimes things are brought back to us, and it's not a linear path we tread in coming to terms with what's happened and is still happening to us. I sometimes (often) feel sick with the realisation of what I've lost and could yet lose because of him, and would so love to be able to run away, hide somewhere, start again. You're not alone.

I love how crazy optimistic you are with that Valentine's meal. Ryvita? Cream cheese? Celery you say? I sense that is sophistication far beyond the reach of Mr fried egg on toast man. Dairylea dunkers and a bit of limp lettuce if she's lucky??

Get cunning with heart jumper! Even if just for the thrill. You deserve it.

Can I please join? I have just ended things with my abusive narcissistic DH (thread about probs with DH and son). He is being a total twat and saying the kids are not safe with me

Thank you greencar, I knew you'd understand.

I think I'm just feeling battered by the sheer weight of disappointment, not so much in my ex but all the people involved in the situation. If I hadn't lived through it I wouldn't actually believe myself what happened. People close to me have made decisions that I'm finding very hard to accept. I've had to lie to my own mum and tell her that I'm ok with something, or else it would break our otherwise very strong relationship. My dad is the only person I can now trust completely, and that's a scary thought.

Re Heart Jump. Yes, in the words of Baldrick, "I have a cunning plan." Actually I don't, but I'm going to work on it !!

Hello trying. Sorry to hear you need to join us. Apparently this is something they all say, near enough (mine did). Funny how they say these things but so often leave the bulk of the care to us, eh?