support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

[grin} Boooommmm !!

Oh god a house sale. That's going to be a royal pain in the arse. Presumably it's partly going to be in his favour though?

smiley fail !!

Yes, the enabling..and the having you over a barrel because you need them to sign something that any normal adult would without discussion and it's all about power of course (turns into She Hulk).

fox I think a solicitor is a great idea, use the law as a shield. He's so controlling, how fucked up is that to refuse to organise custody in advance when that's precisely what kids need in a separation?! All that instability is really bad for them. And for you. Am raging too. I get mad at shifting goalposts so that kind of behaviour would drive me nuts. Time to get some legal protection from that shit x

frog hugs, it will get easier I promise. It's like grieving a death except x is still alive. But really it's not him you miss it's who you thought he was. We need to find a way to preserve our hopes and dreams of a happy family that HE stamped on as if they were our own children. All those good things that you feel he's ripped out if your heart are still there only terrified of coming out again. A broken heart hurts and believe me I know how painful it is. But when you realise that he couldn't ever take all those beautiful things away from you (incapable of even valuing them otherwise he'd have fought for them) then you will feel better. The key is to turn your attention from him back to yourself. Take the projection back, he doesn't deserve it x

Much strength and wine to those having a bad weekend/start to the week.

Ex called about 15 times tonight, even though I've told him many times that we can't call on a Monday as its too busy a day. On the last time I got fed up, picked the phone up and said "For fucks sake I said no calls on a Monday!" so he's probably glorying in the victim mode but felt good anyway. He also called OH again which he hadn't done since the threat on Thursday. I think OH should make a complaint about harassment as he has no business calling OH.

Frog

Sorry to read your post. I hope you find some comfort here.

Maybe you hit the nail on the head saying 'you wish the person you thought he was, was real'. If he's not that person, then you haven't actually lost that? Does that make sense? Maybe that perfect (for you) person is just around the corner waiting for you in a month, year, whenever it is the right time for you. This isn't the end of the road, i think it's important you hang onto that fact. You seem to be getting through one day at a time at the moment, you are carrying an awful lot, and you are succeeding! Please dig deep, hang in there, it will get better, it really, really will. And I'm willing to bet in a few years you will look back, you will wonder how the hell you got through it all, but you will also wonder what on earth you saw in that man. His negatives massively outweigh any positives and you deserves so, so much better.

Yes he should complain Natsku log everything, sorry you're having to deal with that though. I would add in the complaint that he is also harassing you..15 calls!!
Can you let it ring out or does his number not come up? I just wouldn't pick up if I knew it was him. You've said no to Monday end of.

Natsku apologies if I've said this before, and it might not be appropriate, but can you get that thing on your phone where certain numbers can be blocked from ringing. The number comes up on caller display but it doesn't actually ring. I happened to see this when looking through my call package recently.

Then, you would know he was by his phone and dd could ring when it suits you/her.

Purple - just wondering how things went with your ds at the weekend?

Apologies for the fact this is a Daily Fail link but there might be something useful in this...

www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-3854964/Is-time-SELF-Self-care-luxury-days-spa-s-boosting-resilience-works-YOU.html

Hi dusters thanks for asking.

It was all quiet this w/e. In the sense that dc's went and I didn't receive any texts/emails/phone calls from DS. They were though only there from 7pm - 10am. He told me he played on his iPad for most of the time.

Interestingly later in the day DS had quite a melt down with me when asked for the hundredth time to please tidy his room. He really lost the plot and got very angry and rude towards me. I rode the storm (it went on a while) and when we had a quiet chat before bed time he actually acknowledged that although he had kept a lid on his feelings at X's house, it had all come out one way or another - unfortunately at me! He reiterated he doesn't trust him or feel comfortable there, but he very much wants to be part of the 'family' there. He is obviously just in a turmoil, DS also apologised saying that I am the only person he can let his feelings out on. Bless him. I love him so much, felt so sorry for this poor kid whose emotions are all over the place. So much for him to cope with. He will have a full day there later this week, then 2 at the weekend. I see trouble ahead..

I have the ringing blocked usually but unblocked it yesterday so he could call back (no way I'm spending my money on his hour long calls - he can pay!) need to block it again.

Your poor DS purple he must be so conflicted. We must remember that we are the safe place for our children to let out their frustrations even though it can feel like they hate us sometimes. My ex would always say DD's behaviour problems are because of me because she aims them at me - nope, its because she feels safe to let out her anger and fear and confusion at me, not him.

Purple you can have proud Mum moment with your DC clearly explaining his anger, stress and how he knows you support him. No narc manipulative tendencies there!

I've ended up paying for Elite Singes as the free version roped me in. Writing to two educated, eloquent men is so different from the other free sites offerings where I've received... "Your gorgous luv"

purple I don't know if it'll give you a ray of light in this situation, but that's incredibly emotionally mature of your DS to recognise that his feelings are being taken out on you and why. Which says two things, firstly that he's not turning out like WN ex (hooray!) and secondly, you're doing a damn good job there.

frog I understand. I can see through my ex now, I know what he is and some of the things he's done, when I really, really think about them, give me chills. I know he's bad for any woman who gets involved with him but the way he reels them (and me) in is to be this wonderful, loving charming man. On my bad days I still have moments of thinking if I'd just been good enough, we could have had so much, he said he loved me so much maybe if I picked up the phone and grovelled we could try and get that back. But. But but but. In the next few seconds I think about what it would be like, how he'd punish me, what frightening things he'd do because I dared to try leaving. And I know that the person I wish I could have back was never real, it was a ploy to break me down. Which is heartbreaking, I gave him years of my life and buckets of my love and now I don't know if any of it what it was based on was real.

But it's done now. He's taken a lot from me and still tries to deny me more. I don't want him, not the real him and now I've seen what he is I can't unsee it. I can't control what he does but I can do my best to make sure I don't let him take anything more from me. My confidence is gone, I've turned down good opportunities for reasons that always go back to him, but next time, even though I'm terrified of what he'll say and do, I'm going to take it. He's done enough and I deserve better. So do you. Ride it out, let yourself grieve but never forget that the person that man really is was never good enough for you xx

Thanks for all the offers of food following my date flop. He's still messaging me to meet up, I don't understand as he didn't laugh at any of my jokes. Looked fed-up the whole time.

That is so true natsku. He was really abusive towards me, he called me a fat hippo! (Hopefully I'm not!) and it sounds funny now but it really upset me. He said that I had no friends and no one liked me etc etc and I was a bitch. He was just throwing out 12 yo abuse realy. and he is such a gentle DS normally , really not into aggressive computer games, doesn't like or want to see a film over age 12, he doesn't even like Harry Potter as too scary! He is so vulnerable when he gets in that state. I just kept thinking that he needs to be heard. Needs to feel he has some control somewhere in his life. The link someone posted earlier about the love bombing, sorry, can't remember who, would be a really good thing to try I think.

I was also mindful that he watched XH for years shouting in my face that I was a bitch and an idiot etc and was copying that behaviour.

I did state very clearly to him at bedtime that I loved him completely and would do anything to help him, support him etc, and went through how wonderful he is and talented etc but I will not stand for anyone shouting that kind of abuse in my face in my own home.

I feel a bit contradictory saying that as I do want him to let it out and do it to me if he must, but I felt it was equally important to make that point.

He has a very innocent (girl) friend and I asked him how he would feel if someone was shouting those sort of things in her face. He got what I was saying immediately.

I just don't know, I feel like I am doing it all wrong and don't really know what I should be saying to him.

I think you handled that right purple

That looks like a text book response Purple, ie spot on. I agree with greencar that your ds is very emotionally mature. That will only be down to you. He knows why he feels like he does, understands why it is he can only let rip with you, and acknowledges that he has hurt you.

This might sound a bit silly but I wonder if you could have a kind of de-brief, even if it's just 5 minutes, after each visit. Is there anything he wants to get off his chest, have a moan about, or simply tell you?

I dislike the fact that my dc have to know about and face issues that they shouldn't have to for years. Why some people can be so bad, why life can be very unfair, how men and women should respect each other, what behaviours are unacceptable etc, etc. I feel like a bit of their childhood has been stolen.

Lilac maybe that was the happy version of him?! Send him a picture of a fried egg and ask him if he liked your y(j)okes?

Nat

I've spent an hour on my document of doom, where I copy in all emails and texts and log events.

I may need it one day if he won't sign the house sale (the house he has given me in the divorce but obviously he didn't mean to sign the court order. Twice. And no I can't sell it). Dick.
And I am considering a non-mol order. But really don't know if his badgering is severe enough. I got 4 rude emails this morning in reply to one factual one from me.
He refers to my shrink, and calls me bitter sad and pathetic.

Hi everyone,
Can't remember who asked, but no my dd doesn't have to see her grandparents but don't feel I have the strength to fight them. The dust is still settling on the last big showdown with them but I know it won't be long before ex mil starts up again, asking to see dd. Have been at the doctors over the last few weeks having bloods and so on done as ive been feeling very unwell physically, and have been told it is likely due to the stress I'm under.

to everyone who has had a crappy weekend because of the ex/ narc.

Wondering if anyone can help with a child maintenance question? I claimed csa about 3 years after I separated with ex (took me that long to pluck up the courage). But then, I'm ashamed to say, I dropped it in place of a private arrangement of about £300 less a month due to the extreme pressure he was putting on me. I can't remember if I asked to close the arrangement with the csa.

After about a year of paying a pittance, he asked if he could have "a year off" as his wife was at uni studying. Can't believe I went along with it!! I was so stupid and trying not to rock the boat.

Anyway, I want to get an arrangement set back up again..not privately! I applied through the new child maintenance service and told them about the former arrangement. Waited 2 months and got a letter today saying it has been rejected as I have an existing case with the csa, and have to close it then wait 3 months to apply again.

Has anyone else had this? It's so frustrating..he's not had to take any financial responsibility for dd for over a year, and in the meantime he has had a hair transplant, got a new car and bought a puppy of a European championship dog, and paid to get it imported. Feeds it steak as he eventually wants to show the dog.

Just venting, sorry! He always bloody lands on his feet, every single time
I have no idea how to close the csa account as I no longer have paperwork, can only find cms details online and Child Maintenance Options couldn't help either.

I will post this question elsewhere too.

Just came across this and the previous thread in the last few days.
I've been reading a lot, I've still much to read though.

It's been a revelation to see how common this type of behaviour is. I have no one irl who understands.

I've had several court appearances and still the ex seems to not be tired of trying to make me pay.
He withheld contact for months before the last couple of court appearances. We got a shared care arrangement last court date a few weeks ago. About 50/50.
Just days later he was telling me he can't stick to it.
Now I have our nearly 2 year old most of the time, at his insistence. Yet he rang social services to allege our child was dirty etc with me.
He's also not giving me any maintenance despite my telling him I was penniless.

I'm so so tired of it all. Thinking about years and years more of this makes me feel ill.

The ex also does the typical thing of changing arrangements to suit him, and I always get a day's notice at most, sometimes just a few hours' notice. I'm certain this is to cause me as much hassle as possible.

Hi stripy .
Welcome...
I haven't got anyone in rl either!
Hope you find this thread as helpful as I have.
Some wonderful advice.
Hey purple.
My Ds holds it all in when with X already knows how to behave differently and the day after at school (they say his behaviour is not significantly different),,, however, every afternoon/evening of the day after a visit - so the 1st night back with me- we have a complete down after school. It's like have a terrible two year old - Ds is 4 and it's NOT like him at all (don't get me wrong, he does has his moments) but this is the "X" Ds and it's horrible for everyone 😳.
I ride out the storm and try to have some of the "you're in control" time when We can - But it's soooooo hard.
Ds does very little else there apart from watch tv and you tube and play computer games. Ffs- he's 4. He's a child. He needs air, excessive and something moderately healthy to eat.
Ds even told me at the w/e that he didn't want to go to macD's again as he's had enough!!!!! Omg I couldn't believe my ears.

Hey duck . I don't know about csa as i haven't contacted them yet my X pays pittance & still complains so I sure I should use them tho I tend to read rather negative comments about their usefulness????
I hope someone with more experience can help

Thanks 2012pp.
I found the csa helpful and very quick..everything was set up within about 5 weeks.
Just can't get my head around it taking cms 8 weeks to check out if my csa account was still open (even though I told them it likely was). I assumed they would sort it out as I wasn't told otherwise. Now I have to wait 12 weeks until I can apply again...but only after I close csa account.

I'm afraid I don't have any knowledge of the CSA duck, I'm sure somebody will be along who does.

Welcome stripy. My contact isn't court ordered, just an informal agreement. What recourse do you have if your ex doesn't abide by the arrangement, or isn't there really any? And the maintenance, is that something you are pursuing through the official channels?

As you read through the thread(s) you'll see there's lots of advice on dealing with the rubbish parenting by ex's. Grey rock, refusing to engage or rise to the bait, maintaining very low contact, only communicating in writing. Most importantly accepting that you cannot co-parent with these men. All enormously difficult but we have various levels of success!

Duck I don't have much in the way of advice.. just bitter experience, I recently was made to change from CSA to CMS as the CSA is being phased out. I got EXTREMELY bad advice from the CMS helpline who told me (amongst other incorrect things) that if they failed to make contact with my X and a long time period ensued, he would not be liable to pay anything until they actually made contact. That was utterly untrue and sent me into a right tailspin as I knew he would avoid contact and make me suffer at every opportunity. The guy at CMS was brilliant, knew his stuff and apparently from the day of my 'new' claim with them X was liable.

Have you had any correspondence from CSA? Their paperwork is very confusing - for example they sent me a statement with the expected payments for the next year, but actually they were stopping dealing with it and passing to CMS and it was just a 'standard' letter, that meant bollocks!

All I can suggest is that you ring the CMS again and hopefully you will get a more helpful person, lay it on thick, explain just how bad things have been and how desperate you are. They really should offer you better advice.

2012. As supportive and reassuring this thread is for us all, it is so shit at the same time. I am so sorry your little one is dragged through it too. It will get better and you are free of the WN - well, free-er if that is a word. Hang in there