Lovely Frog. I get you. I've got tears in my eyes typing this post to you. Despite my "f**k 'em" attitude, and being somewhat detached from my emotions, it's not so long ago I was sobbing my heart out. I'm still grieving for the loss of my relationship, and the man I thought he was. I know how hard it is, and I'm 18 months down the line.
My ex has lovely hands, and sometimes just knowing I'll never hold them again is like looking into a dark place. Knowing he's the only one I can share certain memories with, but that now they're locked in my head only really hurts. I'm so cross with him, so disappointed, so let down.
But the passage of time has helped. I say to myself now we had x good years together, 2 lovely dc, but it ended, and nothing can be done. I try not to figure it out anymore, wonder what, why, how etc. It just is.
Because we had children together I think a little part of me will always hurt. It's such a strong link. I dropped my dc off at my ex's for the first time about 3 months ago. When I saw his silhouette in his house, knowing that's where he now lived, on his own, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I wanted to run in and say this is crazy, you should be with us. But he made it that we couldn't be together, so I just have to remind myself of that.
Our split, which involved his family, has fractured several relationships amongst my own wider family. The whole landscape of my life changed almost overnight, and I have to try and comfort those who were caught in the fallout.
When I feel the rose-tinted glasses descending I remind myself of the way he has acted, his part in all the chaos. I try now to see him as 2 people, the one I loved before, and the stranger who now spends time with my children. I've just had to harden my heart. I don't really know how, I think it's just time.
I don't know if any of that reflects your feelings Frog. I know my heart used to literally hurt. Now it doesn't, just the odd twinge!