support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh 2

[Lilacpink40]

Hope this works...

Hey lilac. Did you go on a date??? I'm sorry as it doesn't sound like it was very much fun.! 🍷. However - I think you are incredibly brave.

"The bit I hate too is waiting for them to come home, knowing there will be shitty behaviour. And an oddness about them. Takes a day or so to leave them and the house. Like a bad smell."

This is why we do the he's in charge thing after an X visit as I hate this bit sooooo much . Ds is different.

I looked at online dating but I'm not at all ready yet.

I think I probably need to rest& heal for a while.
get to re-know the real me again .I got totally lost in the past few years.

Oh dung its so hard not to let them get to us

Sounds like a lovely day 2012

Looking forward to dating update lilac I miss the excitement of meeting someone

Overheard DD on the phone to her dad today (phone was on speaker) and he was saying 'I wish I could come to see you today' and she just matter-of-factly said 'You can't' - she understands a lot better than he does!

Oh no lilac that's a crappy date

Oh lilac that's crappy, so sorry you didn't have a good time. Is it definitely all off with nice ex, he's moved away hasn't he?

Natsku Good for your DD! That made me smile.

Dung did his hair look something like these when he came back from "holiday"?

Who is he? Elton John or Wayne Rooney !! I hear a hair transplant is agony, but I guess no pain no gain when you're fighting your mid life crisis !

That made me smile too Natsku, your dd is smart.

How's your floor? Can you get to the food side of the fridge yet, or just the wine section?

Lilac See, you should ignore my "advice" !! Sorry it wasn't what you were hoping for. Not even a nice lunch, where did you go, a transport cafe?! Onwards and upwards.

Floor is good although got a few marks on it when we moved the cabinets back in today so I'll probably do another coat of paint in a few days time. Was able to cook an actual meal today! And then forgot to eat it because we were busy plumbing in the dishwasher... ate it cold afterwards. No wine for me today - had to take DD to family circus club hungover this morning, not fun shudders

Oh Lilac! I was keeping everything crossed for you. What a let down

Haha Natsku that's a fabulous image! Do you have to join in with the circus tricks?

Yes we do! I've been holding DD up on my legs to be an aeroplane and carrying her around on my shoulders. The teachers were very impressed when DD went did a somersault from the trampoline to the crash mat - they were only supposed to do a straight jump

Yes to the ongoing control! Tosspot refuses to have the children at the same time. It impacts my relationship massively. We have a 'last Sunday of the month, during term time, at my house' arrangement. It couldn't possibly be more on his terms, and I hate it but I'm taking what I can. New man and I have planned our nights away over the next few months, but XH can't remember what we have agreed, might have to work (in which case he won't arrange childcare he will just assume I will cancel) and is generally being a dick. He'd love it if my relationship failed and he wouldn't be called upon AT ALL to care for his DCs.

I absolutely agree they stopped maturing at a point in their childhoods. My teenage boys sometimes speak to me badly, behave poorly. The difference is they have the emotional intelligence to recognise when they've behaved badly, and they always, always apologise.

Parents have an awful lot, if not everything, to do with creating a narcissist.

Just been catching up on reading the thread. Want to send lots of to you all, it's tiring having these ex's in the background, whatever the level of distance you manage to put between you and the toxic fog..
Ias thinking if you all this weekend as had to attend an event with him and ds. Actually didn't have to, I accepted to as felt like fog warning light were working well and I could do the medium chill technique in conversations.
Well those worked but, and this always happens, now I'm getting double the usual number of texts all involving caring Dad and supportive ex (fog disguised as kind). So having to try and stay factual but it's soooo hard. And exhausting. Trying not to fall back into thinking it's me that's got him all wrong is like trying to keep an hgv from falling off a cliff, requires a lot of thinking and just not physically strong enough!

So this thread does wonders for sticking to the plan: not going back!
again

Stay strong Mysinkingheart. It's not you, it's him. If you feel you are wavering, don't do anything until you've posted on here first!

Fox great advice, even hesitating for few minutes may buy us time to realise ex is playing games. Writing on here will guarantee we'll get help to pull the nastiness from thier words!
Sorry to hear your ex is gameplaying on overnight care (I have that but my mum has them instead so he can't control as much).

Onwards and upwards with dating. Signed up to a gazillion free sites and planning on serious searching, just want normal fun.

Thanks fox and lilac I guess I wrote to you all in my head!
It helps that I'm not actually attracted to him..can't think why it all started though I do remember feeling something line mesmerised. So very charming at first. New bf is polar opposite, very attractive but almost cold. Had a thread about him...not great. But 10 million miles away from exh.

Loved online dating by the way! Good luck

I have no family here, he has his but they don't help - rightly or wrongly I can't help but lay part of the blame with them.

Ps I think the ongoing feeling of control is also partly because we haven't quite given up hope of being understood/respected/cared about. Once that door is bolted it gets easier. Felt guilty for at least a year about going nc with exmil but now it's just an unpleasant aftertaste that I put down to being an ordinary human being recovering from being sensitive as fuck

Narcs can often be intelligent, successful, charming and charismatic. Sounds like a pretty appealing package, huh? No wonder we got sucked in.

Then they divorce in middle age and buy skinny jeans.

That's just so crap about your ex fox very passive aggressive. Do you have a formal custody agreement?
If so I'd stick to that, no freebies, and if not can you get one? Sorry if I've not grasped your situation properly, brain very tired. Feel for you...

No formal agreement on custody, because his job means he works away and weekends. There's no time in his life for the DCs really. I could force the issue but I don't see it would benefit the DCs? He's orchestrated the whole set up (living round the corner, bachelor pad) so they have no need for him, and he and they know I won't let them down. I'd welcome any suggestions on how to move forward.

Well I never thought I'd say this as it was hell getting there (he had me over a barrel so that I ended up paying him off so we could divorce, still struggling with financial aftermath but a least my head and heart are free) but...a formal deal does put them in a position where they can't call the shots quite so much (as consistently not sticking to it can allow you to demand full custody etc). However ..if you think he truly doesn't even want to have them (wtf kind of man?) then that might be more traumatic than it's worth for you and DCs.
So my only advice if the latter sounds more true would be to call the shots yourself. So you decide when and if he sees them and if he doesn't like it he can get a lawyer. It is tough if no family around. But I've found that my DS's friends' mums to be amazing for filling in when ex does last minute mess arounds, though that happens rarely now it's official and always by email. Just a suggestion to take some power back, try and get him out of the equation so he cqn't mess you about..

Thank you all for absorbing my angst. It helps so much.

Lilac, I'm using Prima dating but it's the same source as Country Living and Guardian (same company). I want to try eharmony but not got time right now to justify the money. Next year. Good luck. Keep us abreast ! Far more cheerful. Like Duster mobile travels.

My sinking and Fox.... I don't have formal arrangements for ex to have children. He thinks he has it, but it's an informal arrangement. It is not mentioned anywhere on our court order (not yet approved, in court for 2nd time). So I'm doing a strange yes have them anytime dance because once that court order is out and stamped, And I'm divorced and I have the house..... fuck him. He's not having them unless they desperately want to go. Like all our kids,...... they simply don't

So don't necessarily force a formal agreement. Sometimes it's better if they are thick like my WN and don't actually have one.

That bit where your ex just assumes you'll cancel fox that was totally what mine was like before the custody agreement. And got worse when I met someone. So you're probably right to think he's trying to spoil the relationship. Well I hope you're enjoying every single second with your DP, isn't the line "the best revenge is a happy life" ?

And 2012.... the bad children behaviour when they return. It's exactly why I thought your 'child boss' is a great idea. Not immediately but later that day or next day. So fully think that it would empower the child of a narc.

Thank you Mysinkingheart, I have been holding fire because his job was changing, but it's still up in the air. It's so difficult, isn't it? Thanks for your advice, I think you are right X