My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

That's good OP. Good luck with it.
I know nothing about the likelihood of social services involvement I'm afraid but I'm sure someone else on here will

DD's dad was reported to the police and social anonymously. I'm thankful they did before things got worse.

I had no idea it was classed as such a risk till it happened.

I'm sorry but if he didn't care more about drugs and drink he wouldn't be using smelling of illegal drugs as an excuse not to put his child to bed. He wouldn't be drinking and smoking your hard earned cash.
Don't use the past as an excuse to put up with how he is NOW. I understand he may have had a shitty time but if he's not prepared to step up and try and find a different way of coping you really are better off being separate. Even for a while. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Except your child. YOU are responsible for her.
Sorry but I'm the child of an addict. It's shit. Protect her.

He's not self medicating, he's addicted.

I feel reassured that social services step in to protect children whose lives are adversely affected by drug use in the home.

Wake up OP, you are sleep walking into trouble.

You will get all manner of people telling you that it's unlikely and really not much of a crime but ultimately when people become heavy users of an illegal drug they are involved with illegal activity, and their judgement is impaired. It's just as illegal to look after a child, operate machinery or drive whilst heavily stoned as it would be drunk. And it's just as irresponsible.
I had an aqaintance who I felt some sympathy for many years ago in a very similar situation and I would go for a coffee with her but never in my house because frankly, they stank of it and it was hard to get rid of. And I didn't like my kids being around the smell. When DD goes to primary this can open up a whole new situation. You don't want her to end up alienated by this not making new friends, or being able to take part in things because you are ashamed of his usage and the stigma around it.

Mine gave it up in May. He's doing so so well.
It can be done but your oh needs to want it. Really want it.
It's an addiction my oh said he still "wants" it and if we could afford it he probably still would smoke it however he doesn't want to use again.....
he knows it's not good for me or baby match but he thinks you can always fine an excuse to carry on smoking it.
As I'm sure others have said yours sounds like he has other things going on that he needs to sort with a gp as well.
I wish you luck. But if he's not serious don't waists your life.

Yes, your judgment is clearly badly impaired too if your fear is of SS, when this would result from you choosing to remain in a bad situation for her.

OP please read Barbarian's post again.

"I'm not trying to cure him, just to help him".

Again that is your own co-dependency talking here and its damaging you.

How can you help him, you think you can love him better?. You cannot help him besides which you are his partner and thus woefully underqualified and over invested to be of any use to him. He does not want your help or support and what you have tried to date has not worked.

How about helping you and your child instead?. I do not think you want to acknowledge what she is seeing here because your emotional energies are instead tied up in this man. It could also be argued that you are putting him before her.

I tried talking to him..... Again. I think this thread has helped me to be more clear in my concerns and aims and I was slightly more forthright than I've been when bringing up issues in the past.

He has agreed to see the gp about quitting smoking (as in tobacco) and he feels that cutting down on pot will naturally follow.

I feel like this thread got slightly off track, talking about his vices whereas I've been concerned with his whole clinical picture (mind, body and soul) and I don't think it all necessarily leads back to pot and booze. I'd still want him to have therapy or counceling for whatever issue he is burying with these substances.

I mentioned that Im concerned about dd growing up in such a negative atmosphere. He can't see it. He genuinely can't which worries me. I have been brutally honest and said that either he begins to help himself and stop using me as a crutch or I would have to make plans to move with dd. I'm not sure if either of us believed me but at least it's been said.

I'm sure that most posters understand how hard this is OP, so it's good that you're feeling a bit clearer on things. Small steps are better than no steps, stick with it.

I'm really glad you have said it and actually that you feel it. It's not empty words and I hope that makes a huge difference.

Don't allow him to just say what you want to hear he has to act on it and you have to stick to your guns.

No one doesn't have any sympathy but it's easier for us to be less sympathetic here because essentially he's not facing up to his problems and is throwing his, yours and DD's happiness and welfare into chaos

You would never say that to your friends IRL.

Yeah...I would. Loudly. Because raising a child in a home where one parent has a serious addiction to marijuana and a leaning reliance on alcohol is not a good idea, is it?

Marijuana is a gateway drug. It's also, y'know, illegal. Long term use causes all sorts of serious mental health problems. Anyone who minimises its use is an idiot, frankly. It's not okay, it's not cool, it's not going to 'keep you mellow, dude' - and it certainly has no place in a home with children in it! I can't believe I've actually needed to type that out.

OP, it's sink or swim time. You can keep your DP around and you'll all sink, or you can kick him out and stand a chance. Whatever has happened, it's no excuse for his behaviour or his drug use. Pack his bags and tell him he is more than welcome to come home as soon as he's kicked his vile habits and sought some counselling. End of. It'll either give him the boot up the arse he needs or he'll continue down a path you and your DD do not want to travel with him.

I understand you love him and want to help him, but all you're currently doing is enabling him. I really want to give you a shake. He's pissing much needed family money up the wall, he's putting you and your DD at risk, he's bringing an illegal substance into your house, he's putting his addiction before his partner and child, he's making family life miserable for you all and he's doing fuck all to rectify any of it. I guarantee he would have dealt with what you've described as a really shitty year a whole lot better had he not have been a long term pot addict. His mental health issues will be deeply rooted in the fact he's addicted to marijuana having used it for years - it's been scientifically linked to causing psychosis, depression, anxiety and other substance use disorders. Not to mention the damage he'll be doing to his lungs and fertility.

There is so much more to life than this. Be with a man who will love you and put you first, not with a man who is sitting alone in the garden smoking a doobie...instead of sitting with you.

Quit tobacco and quitting pot will "naturally follow"?!

You still sound deep in denial, and codependency: concerned for his "mind body and soul" (!) above yourself, financial security, and, very sadly, your DD too.

Suggest you seek help for yourself from specialist organisations for families of people with addictions.

Nothing, including DP comes above our daughters welfare. She is doing fine whereas he, right now is suffering. I'm absolutely not in denial. I don't want to enable him. I just want to do the best for our family. I have backup from his relatives who are deeply concerned for him but are also getting exasperated by his actions (or inaction) and treatment of us. they will back me up with any help and changes I propose to make.

It is not all about drinking and pot!!! It's about a man struggling with some horrible things happening in a short space of time and poor mental and physical health. I just want him to start looking after himself again and in turn to treat me and dd with more consideration and respect.

Yes, but is he willing and able to do those things? And what are your boundaries for you and DD if he still won't/can't?

Support from relatives is good, assuming that they know about his addictions and don't have an agenda for you to stay "at all costs", but they and you are not qualified to help him. suggest you seek advice - for you - from specialist organisations.

And it is, at least partly or perhaps even primarily, about drinking and pot, and denying it doesn't make those problems go away.

Is he going to speak to the GP about his depression? Or just smoking? As he is still in denial I think you need to be clear that he has to take steps to address his mental health, quitting smoking will add to stress and depression and you are far more likely to fail when you aren't in a healthy mindset. I think it might be an unrealistic goal to quit tobacco whilst not dealing with anything else including grief, depression, addiction, excessive alcohol use etc.

He's only going about the smoking. I've been accused in the past of nagging him to give up and after years of "when I turn 30, when we have a baby, New Years resolution etc" I've given up. It would help his health situation immensely.

He doesn't believe he has depression. If I catch him of guard he will occasional say he might suffer from it but I think he sees admitting to a mental health problem as weak.

He doesn't want to stop drinking or smoking pot but said he'll try to moderate more. I'm not sure where our boundaries are. He needs to start engaging with normal life again but he just doesn't seem to want to. He's ignoring messages from old friends and family and just becoming so insular. I don't want dd to think a father figure is just a person in the background of life, asleep or outside on his own. For her sake if things don't improve soon and he doesn't engage with any therapy I'll have to tell him to sort it out or loose us. It might be the wake up call he needs.

RedStripeLass, it sounds like you are making a lot of realisations, well done, and well done for getting your DP to agree to see the GP for smoking.

I think for your DP it is hard to say what is the alcohol/drugs problem and what is the mental health problem, it seems the two are mixed up.

Your DD is still very young, she probably hasn't picked up much of this. But as she gets older she will. So your DP needs to make some choices now. Of course he needs your support, but as other posters have said, ultimately he has to make those choices himself, and act upon them.

OP, can you make him an appointment at the GP for advice re quitting smoking and leave a message for the doctor that you are concerned that he may be suffering from depression? Depressed people are very commonly unaware they are depressed. If the GP is any good they can build this into the appointment and hopefully move the situation forward a little.

Otherwise,would your dh agree to do an online check for depression do you think? Even just to try to prove you wrong? The NHS health pages have one that's very easy to do.

He sounds very depressed but it's so hard when he wont even consider this. Enlisting the help of his GP just might help.

In all honesty it really worries me that he's only going about the smoking. What's the GP going to do, prescribe a few patches? The GP needs to know exactly what's going on. All of it.

Cannabis can have a very detrimental affect on mental health. I appreciate he has been self medicating after a very difficult time, but many, many people go through difficult times, losses, serious health problems etc and do not become regular drug users. He is not coping with what he's been through he's just blocking it out.

You say you're sure he's suffering from depression but long term cannabis use can also present in this way. Susceptible people can also develop paranoia, hallucinations, and even end up with schizophrenia.

You have said that you believe that his mental health is at the root of all of it, but there is a good chance that it's actually the cannabis at the root of it. It sounds like he is a long term user, even if before it was more "social". Your point about sorting out all of him, mind, body, soul, etc is good, there are probably many areas of his life he needs to work on, but i truly believe that he needs to stop the drug use and at least reduce the alcohol, before he can do any of the other things.

Incidentally I sincerely hope he doesn't drive whilst using drugs so heavily.

He needs experienced, specialist help to deal with his drug use and mental health. Stopping smoking is not even going to begin to address this. You mention he has had a serious health issue, I understand that you may not want to share what, but you need to consider if this is something that will be affected in any way by regular drug use. Is he on any regular medication for this? There could be serious effects around cannabis use and any prescribed drugs.

Ultimately your DD is at the centre of all this. He has told you he doesn't want to stop using illegal substances. What about when they learn about drugs at school? Believe me, they start very early these days (albeit in very basic terms) in KS1. Won't she put 2 and 2 together. She will surely begin to realise what he is up to in the garden, and it will be more and more difficult to hide from her.

Or what about if she goes round to a friend's house to play? The Mum goes out into the garden to have a quick cigarette, and your DD pipes up "Oh, my Daddy smokes, but his don't look like that and they smell funny".

In your last post you say that if things don't improve you may have to issue and ultimatum. I sadly believe that is your only course of action. This is a man who will willingly spend at least £3640 a year on his drug habit. Out of choice. Knowing that as a family money is tight. His priorities are so very, very skewed that I think it's going to take an ultimatum from you to make any difference. Then it is his choice to make. The help is out there for him.

To to say as well, I've said all the above to support you, not to be critical or judgemental. I hope it doesn't come across as too harsh

I just think he has given you a false sense of hope here - saying what you want to hear but not really addressing anything at all