My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Listen, people, you are being horrible to OP! This is someones DP, someones son, someones father! If this was your brother, your friend etc, you would not be so mean, It is so easy to tell a stranger to LTB. You would never say that to your friends IRL. You would support and help your brother.

OP, I am sorry that you are getting so little support. Believe me when I say other people's lives are not perfect. I bet a lot of posters get to forget their own problems when they ask you to do what they would never do themselves.

This is your DP, the father of your child. Of course he deserves your help and support in this difficult time of your life. You would expect the same from him if it were you.

Just let off some steam here and take the advice on this thread that is of use to you, ignore the rest.

I do not think that anyone is being horrible to the OP but she is being told things that are hard to read.

Supporting too often turns into enabling. What OP has done here has not helped him or her own self; enabling has only given her a false sense of control. If he will not help his own self what other choice does OP have?.

Counsel albeit hard to read is far more beneficial than anyone trying to soft soap the OP. That is also not going to help.

I read your previous comments and am glad to read that your lives are on a more even keel. However, OPs man does not want to do what your man himself did and is showing no indications of doing so either.

He is basically dragging OP and her child down with him. No-one should tolerate this at all. As previously mentioned as well OPs partner does not want counselling or any help offered by her or anyone else. He wants to continue life in a drug addled haze.

He does deserve help. But he isn't getting any help. What he is receiving is ignoring everything and pretending everything will get better whilst it gets worse.
Posters being harsh and trying to engage OP in actually taking some real solid action is exactly what it is going to take to move things forward in real life.

People don't just pop out of traumatic events or depression one day and think hmm I feel a bit better today, it's all going to be fine- I can bet you most of these 'harsh' posters myself included have experienced loss, depression, illness, trauma on all kinds of levels and understand EXACTLY how bloody hard work it is to pull yourself and your family back out. We've worked and toiled and cried and loved and lost just like anyone else and now we have the experience to pass on to someone else to help them out of a terrible situation.
I don't come on here purposefully to upset people but it's a byproduct of giving honest advice.
He's someone's father, and that should mean moving heaven and earth to try to help him if he's ill. But you aren't doing anything AT ALL

He's taking the easy route using pot and alcohol so he doesn't have to take the hard route which is primarily facing up to the grief of losing his Dad. I don't see it as helpful either, in this case, to say "I've had this" and "I've experienced that" "I did this and I was fine"- everyone is different, it's their life, their mind, their thoughts, feelings, situations and problems.
I understand why you're pretty much doing everything you can for him in order to have some sense of normality. It will only be a matter of time before you start to fully resent him and you'll explode. On the other hand you can keep things bottled up and you'll sink further and further down until you're unwell yourself. You can't win because if he isn't already he'll be calling you a nag. Clouded with hangovers and all the other mental and physical problems he'll have from consuming drugs, he'll start to resent you too. He won't accept help from a GP because that's the start of a long journey to facing his issues. Why bother when he can self medicate and everything else is fine because you're there for him. He will say "Don't leave me/go on at me/shout/argue/do me down/give me a hard time. I've been through a lot. I'm having a hard time. Have a heart. It's my problem, not yours. You and our child are all I have. I need your support not your bitterness" He is and will continue to be selfish unfortunately and there is nothing you can do. You'll end up putting up emotional barriers one after the other to protect yourself. If he has always used drink and drugs to help him cope, relax and unwind they will also be is undoing because that's what he's used to. There may come a time when an "out of the mouths of babes" comment comes from your daughter which will hopefully help him see that things will have to change.

He's lost his Dad, Your daughter doesn't deserve to lose her Dad too. You lost a father in law, you don't deserve to lose your husband.
He doesn't sound like a 'bastard' so it isn't a LTB situation. He has got himself caught up in a terrible emotional state and the two crutches he has will destroy him. You need to state clearly that he needs help and ask him what help he would be willing to accept. Even the Samaritans, you can ring them and start then conversation it doesn't have to be him.

Have any of his friends tried to talk to him at all about anything? They must have realised he is on a downward spiral surely. If they were once happy to chill out with him when he was loving life then they should be happy to support him when he is experiencing hard times.

I think the lack of any action is something OP needs to address. You can't leave but you can't help. Then where does that leave you? You have to choose one of the options and none of them will be easier or nicer

I rang the samaritans once on behalf of someone else. I asked more of a direct question about a situation which the man on the phone couldn't help with but honest to goodness I broke down crying afterwards because the man was SO so nice and he CARED. I'm not religious at all but I swear this man was an angel!!!! The call only lasted about 5 minutes.

"I don't see illness or bereavement as an excuse to turn into Kevin The Teenager. Not when you've grown up responsibilities. He can't do bedtime cos his clothes smell? And you accept that??! For fucks sake!

Hes a lazy sod."

Depression =/= being lazy or being "Kevin the Teenager".

I'm the mother of a drug addict who understands only too well the dilemma you face OP. You need to issue ultimatums and follow through.

You are the only adult with the ability to think clearly here, the only adult who can safeguard your DD, you must protect her from this extremely unhealthy environment. I wish you luck, it's very, very hard.

Thanks for your input matchingblue

elspeth and the others mentioning his selfish treatment of me and my contradicting posts mentioning his selfish ways... Absolutely. This is an issue in our relationship and was before things took a turn for the worse earlier this year. It's one of those problems we've had honest, adult conversations about in the past and he's admitted he can be selfies at times. I'm worried that because I've been very lenient with much of his behaviour (given all the circumstances I outlined) that he has become used to taking and not giving in return. I can this that I have not helped this.

sphinx that is exactly how it is!! All those arguments, deflections and minimisations take place any time I've raised any issues.

He really doesn't have any close friends anymore.

I still don't see you putting in a plan of action here. What have you taken from advice and what will you move forward with? Acknowledging there is a problem and it's severity is one thing. Now you have to choose a way forward otherwise things will never change. Yes it's on you because he is currently not capable of this.

That's because I don't know what to do.

We've all given you plenty of options. You don't want to take any of them because you want something easier. That's why I am frustrated with you

Option 1 - leave and start again as a single parent
2 - ignore it and hope it doesn't get worse
3 - take control and make it clear he must get help. Get him to GP and an assessment and be very honest. Take steps to protect your finances from his spending. Call the Samaritans for advice. See your own GP for your health. Tell your friends and family what's going on. Get help for him in any way you can

Red I know you don't know what to do but please look after yourself. Caring for someone with mental health can affect your own.

He is an addict. He is addicted to pot.

You and he are both hellbent on minimising this it seems; I've no idea why.

All right then. If he's NOT an addict and it isn't a problem: ask him to give it up for 3 months. Then both of you see a) if he can and b) what sort of a difference it makes.

There you go. There's your "what to do".

Oh, and SS do get involved when it's "just" pot. I know this for a fact, it's not my opinion. I was involved as a witness in a case and tbh I was shocked that they did but it went all the way to care proceedings. At some point someone at pre school or school is going to notice that your DD smells or weed and her Dad is stoned. It's not a risk worth taking.

You set a time limit to get his act together for all your sakes.

If he doesn't sort himself out, you part company. What's the alternative?

Ok, option 3.
I'll insist he gets help from his gp and make it clear I cannot keep propping him up and that it's unfair on dd. If he doesn't access help then I'm back to square 1.

Yes you do, you just don't want to do it. That's understandable, due to the co-dependence thing, but it doesn't change reality - you need to leave.

It seems to me someone needs to put your dd's well-being first here (hint: and that somebody is you).

Sorry if all this is harsh but I've seen this scenario played out over 20 years (it's still playing btw) and it's not pretty. You can't love someone better.

Oh this is so hard and you are rightly so conflicted.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and the point I'd like to raise is that addiction (to drugs or alcohol) is a progressive disease. I.e., when people cross that line into addiction, it will only get worse unless they do something about it. It's very rare that heavy smokers / drinkers are able to come back into normal life without some kind of counselling or - in my case - a 12 step programme.

You might not want to leave him now and I can understand that as he's not that bad - YET.... But unless he sees his GP and seeks help for possible depression or looks into drug / alcohol recovery services, he will only get worse. Then he will probably stop working - likelihood will be signed off to start with but will drink / use more as a result until it all falls apart / he ends up in rehab.

I would recommend Al Anon for you - it is a sister group to AA which is designed to support the families of those whose drinking or drug taking has become a problem. You will find a lot of people who are or have been in the same situation and they will be able yo help you work through all this.

Dontyou ex-p lost his access to DD over a small bit of cannabis. People don't realise how seriously SS and the police take it.

Pug yes. I didn't realise that until I was involved with this case and it was quite an eye opener to me.

Could he go to his mum for a bit with a view of coming back once he has stopped drinking and smoking? (Sorry if it has already been said, have had to skip through)

OP this is a safeguarding issue, and if things don't change soon, SS will be at the door. I know that's harsh, but it is the truth. If you do nothing to change things, it will not reflect well on you during the safeguarding enquiry. I'm not being dramatic, I'm basing it on situations I have witnessed.

I really think you need to lay it on the line with him. Does he really realise what he is potentially going to lose? If he actively starts seeking help now, then all well and good. But he cannot continue like this any longer, and neither can you.

One option is that you ask him to move out for a while, access some support,, from the GP, from addition services, and get himself back on track. If he doesn't, then either you end the relationship, or you all sit waiting for SS to turn up.

I'm sorry, that all sounds really brutal, but I know what can happen in these situations. You are not piling more misery on him by trying to address this, you are trying to save your family. He needs to understand the consequences of his actions, and exactly what will happen if he doesn't seek support and make changes.

It's hard OP and i agree that some people have been very harsh.
However you came on here with a problem, seeking advice. People are advising you; you're clearly not happy with some of what they're saying. But I do have to say that it sounds as though, when it comes to confronting the causes of your problem, you don't want to.
That's fine, you don't have to, you can carry on as you are and give him more time - that's your call.
But if it's making you unhappy then I do think you should seek to resolve it and that means taking at least a little bit of unpalatable advice. You sound as though you don't want to hurt him by confronting him with his problematic behaviour. But his behaviour is hurting you and stressing you out and he's not listening when you try and tell him that.

Your DD's welfare is at risk here, so you need to leave him, and seek support for yourself, and advice from al-anon and drugs organisations.

You can't cure him. He needs to address his own addictions and any MH issues, and may or may not be willing and able to do so.

Providing clean clothes etc is enabling him to maintain "normality".

This has been very useful and I will be talking to him again. The situation hasn't become untenable yet and as things have always been good till now I am not loosing hope that they can return to a better state.

It's no secret that I'd love him to access so some kind of therapy. I think he needs to deal with his issues in healthier way. I'm not trying to cure him, just to help hi. Through a tough time and stop him self medicating.

The idea,of social services involvement is terrifying . It's the worst nightmare scenario for any parent I imagine but, really? In this situation? The only remote way they would get involved was if a neighbour reported seeing him out drinking and smoking pot in the garden at all hours or my other fear, teachers smelling it on dd.