My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

He probably does need love and support, but sadly your love and support is not making any difference to him, is it? He is consumed by his need to smoke weed and that should tell you everything. He is making it hard for you to just pay your bills, never mind have anything extra, and things are not going to improve. His personal hygiene will impact on his work eventually, even if they are giving him a bit of leeway at the moment.

I completely understand that giving up on a relationship is hard. I am divorced and it was hell on wheels to begin with. However, you have to think of your DD first and foremost. It is not good for her to be exposed to this smoke and if the smell is lingering on her clothes, there is a fair chance that at some point the pre-school is going to involve others - you cannot be a good parent if you are stoned. That is a fact and it would raise red flags for me.

In several of your posts, you have said that he is selfish. That is a trait that seldom improves without a lot of willing work, and it doesn't sound as though he is willing to put that work in. He may well be depressed over and above the drink and drugs, but because he is self medicating (as you said) he will think he is doing everything he needs to to sort himself out. He isn't. He's just being more and more selfish and your bad situation is just going to continue to get worse. What happens when you can no longer pay mortgage/rent and are evicted? What will happen to your DD then?

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, but you really need to put your DD and yourself first and get out. He will just drag you down and down until there is no coming back from it. Please, listen to what everyone is saying and get yourself and your DD out of this situation.

Thank you for such a sensitive reply matchingblue. Because of the circumstances I'm trying to be sensitive to his issues and needs without becoming bitter about the negative impact it's having on family life.

He has always juggled a full, rounded life whilst using pot and drink to unwind and until recently it didn't impact of his whole person.

I think the neglect of himself is more likely to be due to an underlying mental health problem that he's scared or reluctant to address.

I want him to be the bright, sociable, happy and loving man I used to know.

As I outlined in the op, I've suffered myself with anxiety as of this year and have made the step to seek help for this so I know how hard it can be to take that leap. When I've mentioned depression etc, he feels he can cope without any help (which is clearly untrue).

He's an addict. Of both drink and pot.

Pot also has a long term affect on the mind. Every single pot head I know has a mental health issue as a direct affect of smoking it every day. It also allows him to separate himself from the family and indulge in himself for a few hours every evening.

You can't force someone into therapy. But you can decide if you want to live with an addict. There may be some advice from drug abuse websites on what you can do. But if he is selfish of nature anyway it is unlikely he'll do anything for you or your dd, only if it benefits himself in some way.

Yes, addicts are usually people who have some mental issue that they try to numb with drugs. However, with pot if it started early enough as a teen it may well be an addiction he has that began without any need to fill a hole. His recent bereavement is a large factor in his current feelings, but the drug and alcohol addictions are probably the main factor in his current mental and physical condition.

You have to think about what is best for your dd in the long run. Living with an addict is hell if that addict has no intention of giving up.

autumn I do feel drained and people are commenting on the fact I look so worn out and unhappy. Family have noticed he's not well but are in the same boat as me, not knowing what to do.

candle the money issue is really hard to work around and forgive. I'm literally trying not to spend anything at all unless it's necessary and it does make me feel bitter to see him smoking away a whole water bill in one week.
I also feel bad for dd. She sees less and less of him because he's either at work, in bed or getting stoned/drunk outside. She needs a healthy, stable father in her life. I understand why people would say leave but it's just not an option at the moment.

It's not just "pot" though is it?

DD2's dad is no longer allowed DD alone or in his house at all after the police found a bit of weed (DD2 wasn't there at the time)

Social considered it that bad we had to actually remove her from his house.

Is he worth losing your child over?

Really pugsake that's terrifying. He normalises it so much I forget it's an illegal drug! His gp knows he smokes pot and offered a local cannabis service to him which he dismissed outright.

I find that unusual pug if smoking pot is the absolutely only thing, SS wouldn't be concerned.

My DH smokes weed, a couple of joints at night, I smoke maybe half a joint most evenings, it's no problem.

OP, I think he's depressed, so his smoking has increased, in a bid to feel better, IMO his smoking hasn't caused his depression, but it's making it worse now, that it's increased so much, the drinking too, it's a depressant, taken daily it'll make you feel shit.

If you're not prepared to get tough love on him, and he's not going to go to the GP off his own back, then there's not much to say really.

I wish you luck.

Sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds like you really want to help your DH when he's at his very lowest and get back the man you love. He's obviously having an incredibly rough time with his dad dying and ill health. You need outside help, both of you and the first step to get that is the GP. I can only suggested picking a moment when he seems amenable to talking with you and suggesting again. There must be a period in the day when you feel you talk best. Walking, driving, making dinner, when he's relaxing after work. Please get as much support for yourself as you can

Forgot to say that the pot has clearly become an unhealthy coping mechanism. Hopefully with learning new ones his usage will lessen. Although it must be a worry at the moment. Therapy can help with this.

I didn't think a bit of cannabis would cause such trouble.

I think the main problem is that we had split up and he was the only adult there when he had her. Your daughter has you too obviously.

I sympathise red I've had depression and ptsd nearly 11 years it's shit. Drink and drugs really don't make things better (I've tried)

Addicts (e.g. Your DH) need to reach rock bottom, before they will do anything about their addiction.

By shielding him from his actions (making sure he is wearing clean clothes, etc) you are depriving him of his rock bottom. You are not helping him, but rather, you are standing in the way of his improvement.

You can't change him. You can't make this all better for him. You just can't. He can, but is choosing not to.

You need to protect your mental health for the sake of your DD. At the moment, you are prioritising him over her. Parents can't do that. Your DD didn't ask to be born. You brought a child into the world, and it is your responsibility to ensure her well being until she is old enough to do it for herself. Your DH is old enough, and has the capacity to sort out his own life. Let him.

I know this is a really harsh post. I'm sorry that it will probably have upset you.

Sorry OP, he may have used pot for a long time without negative effects but it clearly isn't helping him at the moment. I've known people who have experienced similar. It's amazing what an insidious effect it can have.

I agree with a poster above (sorry can't remember who) that this is a tough time he's going through and in that sense it's not just about the drink and pot. But he is clearly using it as a coping mechanism which is having the opposite effect.

If you've tried to communicate this to him already and he isn't listening then I think you need to read him the Riot Act tbh. Do you have family or a friend who you could plan a nice weekend with, and go stay with them with your daughter ?
If so I'd take off for the weekend and leave him a long note setting out in writing exactly your concerns, how tight the finances are (incl a weekly budget and spending breakdown), and your fears for his mental health.
Then I'd see what he does. Hopefully he will get the point and acknowledge that something needs to change. If he isn't sure what to change then I'd say start with knocking the pot on the head - if he finds that too much then suggest he doesn't smoke on weekdays. It's almost certain he will notice an improvement in his mental health after a week or two and hopefully that will make him realise what an effect it has been having on him.

It's just not an option?
I'm sorry but he is an addict who cares more about drink and drugs than his own family. Why is it not an option?
You can't support someone out of addiction if they have no intention of stopping.
You are kidding yourself if you don't think having an addict as a father will impact your daughter growing up.

None of you know whether he is an addict, its totally irresponsible to diagnose over the Internet when you don't have the skills to do so

I guess I'm going to come at this from the depression angle. He sounds severely depressed, and many people suffering from depression do turn to booze and drugs, so they may be a symptom rather than a cause.

He needs to seek counseling and if he won't go, than you need to decide what's best for you and your daughter. Sorry OP.

The problem with you propping him up is that you are enabling him to not address the problem and not seek help. In the end it's in no-one's best interests not even his.

It would be different if he were seeking help but he's completely refusing. Nothing will change unless you force it to change. Or possibly some outside circumstance will force a change: he loses his job, gets in trouble with police or nursery report a safeguarding concern.

Tell him that he goes to the GP and accepts help including cutting down cannabis use or you pack his bags.
You need to be willing to follow through on that too.

He's a drug addict pissing £70 a week up the wall.

That's the best part of £300 a month.

£3640 a year.

I'm sorry but I think you need to wake up and realise what his addiction is doing to you as a family. You're struggling to pay bills. He's a useless, depressed waste of space right now. This is a really sad environment for your child to grow up in.

You can't fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed.

I'd be seriously contemplating whether I had a future with him if I were you.

Well, Matching, it's true he may not be an addict. In which case, he is choosing to spend £70 of family money every week, while his wife and child do without.

If he's not an addict, he's still an utter selfish shit of the first water, and the OP is prioritising his desires over her 3yo DD's wellbeing.

Poor little mite!

If he wasn't an addict he wouldn't be spending so much money that the family needs on pot. A relative of mine got like this about ten years ago. He's been using pot for years but the amount just gradually ramped up until he wasn't functioning properly. He was depressed, looked ill, ate badly, did no exercise, slept at strange hours. He wanted his girlfriend to move in and she refused while he was still smoking pot. He managed to stop and the change was incredible. He goes to the gym regularly, is a great cook, is doing well at work and has a normal social life.

Honestly, pot is just like alcohol in that one glass a day is usually fine but you can tip over into it destroying your life. It sounds like your DH has moved into that category. You helping him deny it isn't really helping him.

What Matchingbluesocks said!

In a relationship you need to support each other, it goes both ways. My DH also smoked pot in the past. He also had mental health problems. And he still has health problems.

How old is your DP, OP? Some men (including my DP) take really long to grow up. My DP didn't really grow up until our first was well over a year. Sometimes I wonder how we got through us becoming parents, it was very hard and we didn't have much money either.

When my DP finally stopped smoking pot, he also gave up smoking cigarettes, and it was so hard for him that we nearly split up, it was horrendous. I got him to see the GP, who was very sympathetic and gave him Cyban, an anti depressant that is good for giving up smoking, and I still believe that this was the turning point for him. There were still problems, but this was where he started turning things around. I think it was very hard for him to finally not be in a pot haze and waking up in reality. I think the pot was an escape for him, and when he stopped, he got depression-like symptoms. And he only gave up because the only source of pot near us dried up :(

Anyway, we got through the trouble, I changed jobs, DH started meditating and looking after himself and we are actually doing quite well now, both financially and as a couple. But it was very hard, and I nearly gave up several times along the way. We now have 2 DC who are both doing well.

My parents divorced when I was in my late teens, and I will do an awful lot to make sure we stay together - and are happy - as my parent's divorce was horrendous and traumatic for the whole family. I hope I don't offend anyone, but I don't believe in LTB unless there is DV or similar really bad stuff. I firmly believe that you will just end up with the same problems with your new DP. I believe in working through it, behaving like adults and ensuring a good childhood - and that means a happy marriage - for your children. My DS age 9 doesn't like it when DH or me is away, he says "I want all 4 of us to be home". I think that sums it up, really.

So OP, I am not sure what will make your DP give up the pot, but it's too early to give up on him. It will presumably not be anything you do or say, unfortunately.

Honestly, pot is just like alcohol in that one glass a day is usually fine but you can tip over into it destroying your life.

This is why it's so unhelpful of posters to catalogue their own, apparently safe, use of the drug. Okay, you can have a joint every day. You can afford it. It doesn't affect your relationships, of your work. Bully for you! That is not the same as the OP's DH.

*or your work

We can't be sure that he's an addict?

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

If you don't know what a duck looks like then that isn't a helpful analogy is it?

Its for suitably qualified people to diagnose addiction, after examining the patient. Not internet lay people who know nothing about them

I think you all need to stop the drama re addict/no addict. OP is asking for advice and support, she didn't ask for an online remote diagnosis of her DP.