My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

I really like the idea of getting him to do the online depression test.

truly you've hit the nail on the head. He is choosing not to deal with his problems and this has always been a problem. His Dad was on his deathbed literally and he couldn't cope without continually nipping out of the hospital for a joint. He's always dealt with life's stresses in this way but until this year life stress was something like a bad day at work. He is honest with me in saying that he will never stop smoking pot but plans to smoke it with a herbal tobacco to help deal with a nicotine addiction. With his health condition nicotine is the real baddy. His consultant said cannabis does not affect it.

From previous posts, I'm really worrying now about the effects on dd. I don't want her to worry or look down and worst of all, emulate her father. The current situation cannot be long term and I'm realising changing it is going to be down to him. I can still help him realise the importance of this.

Yes, he's good at giving me a little hope. He knows what to say but doesn't make lasting changes.

He has refused help or to admit he has longstanding and worsening problems with substance abuse and / or MH. He isn't even promising to give up the (illegal) drug. You have explained how this affects you and DD and offered help, he has still not changed.

He can't or won't make changes, but YOU can. For your DD.

He doesn't think he needs to make changes for either of you because you are both still there: you by choice, DD because you have chosen for her.

You can't cure or control his longstanding issues, and have already done what you can.

What will happen if you are ill or injured and temporarily unable to care for DD: will he do so safely?

What will happen if he is arrested for drugs?

What will happen if a teacher smells pot on DD and reports it to social services?

I think the false hope he is giving you is that he is going to make any changes at all, because really all he has agreed to do is stop smoking tobacco - which, as an ex smoker, I am aware it is a ridiculously addictive substance and you are hoping with all your hope inside, that this will lead to a gradual change over all. Once his health improves, he will improve. Right?

But he doesn't acknowledge he needs to change so therefore I worry that the change will be so slight it will almost be invisible

I also think he's made it really clear to you his boundaries of change and what he is prepared to do or not do. He's telling you exactly the partner and father he is going to be here.
You need to work out if you are trying to change someone who never will or if there is hope... and when will you set yourself a limit on seeing some change?

Yes, I was thinking that too. Should you (god forbid) get sick or find a lump or even just put your back out and be laid up.....I think you'd realise how alone he has made you.

I think you need to focus on yourself first here, and work on building yourself up so you're strong enough to make whatever decisions you may need to. Would you consider counselling for anxiety? Maybe even attending something like Al Anon to see if any of the behaviours ring a bell?

It is easy to dismiss pot, and to see it as a separate issue from his depression. I think you need to accept that at the least it is feeding into his depression, and his reaction to the bad things that have happened.

I know of two people who went from being bright young men who were quite heavy social smokers to developing drug-induced schizophrenia in their early twenties. I didn't even know that was a thing that could happen. The problem is, everyone reacts to drugs differently. It's like allergies: you can be fine with a substance for years then problems can appear overnight.

It is quite common for people suffering from depression to self-Medicate with booze and pot. The issue is, it throws off their internal brain chemistry, masks symptoms, and can cause problems itself. It's cumulative- if you're depressed, and your brain chemistry is off, and you take substances to address that, then it can just get worse and to the point where you need them to feel normal. You say he's not an addict, but what's the longest he's gone without drugs that you can remember? Or alcohol? When that happened, did he know he could access some if he really needed? Would he be relaxed if his dealer was uncontactable for a few weeks and he ran out?

One big problem you face is making him think about what will happen in 5 years. When your daughter is 8, she cannot be allowed to see him smoking illegal drugs, she just can't. Will he give up in the house? Will she not be allowed have friends over? Will he refuse to supervise her and her friends if it means he can't smoke? Will she have to become complicit in this secrecy? I think if a mother who came to pick up her child from a play date realised they smelt of weed the chances of you getting police or SS involvement becomes v high indeed, and the only way to avoid that in the future requires either him or your daughter making sacrifices. So far, she seems to be the one having to make those sacrifices.

I'm sure he loves you and your daughter, but a concept I find quite useful is to think of love as a verb not a noun. At the moment, he may have love in his heart for you both, but he is not actively loving you. Not making sacrifices, doing the boring part of parenting. Maybe at the moment he is unable to. But you have to decide how long you'll let that situation carry on for. Because your daughter will mostly experience the 'doing' kind of love, not the abstract kind. She will start noticing the difference in how her daddy treats her vs other daddies.

These are all hard choices, but you can't make him change. All you can do is decide on the kind of life you want for your daughter, and take responsibility for her getting that, even if t means her father isn't in it as much as he should be. If he starts making changes, then again, there are different decisions to make. However given her age I really think the clock is ticking on how long you can accept him refusing to get help.

OP, can you make him an appointment at the GP for advice re quitting smoking and leave a message for the doctor that you are concerned that he may be suffering from depression? Depressed people are very commonly unaware they are depressed. If the GP is any good they can build this into the appointment and hopefully move the situation forward a little.

Matilda, I think this may be a little overly optimistic about what either the OP or a GP can achieve. A GP can raise issues, but they can't do squat for a legally competent adult who doesn't want to hear it and/or doesn't admit there's any issue. A GP diagnoses depression based on a person's self-report of how they feel/how their self-care and behaviours are. Someone who doesn't admit they have any MH issues is not going to participate with that. And the most the OP can do is tell her partner she has made him a GP appointment she wants him to attend. If he doesn't go, she is out of options, except leaving.

OP, your posts are frankly sad. (And what is "herbal tobacco"? Tobacco IS a herb.) I can see that you're struggling, but you have a partner who is fundamentally incapable of coping with life without drugs and alcohol. Everybody faces grief, stress, and loss at one time or another - he's not just going to get over this rough year and be a social smoker again. That's not how it works. He's on a downward spiral, and it will not fix itself.

Your partner is an addict. You do not help him by caring for him. All you are doing is "helping" him to snuggle further into the embrace of the booze and weed. I'm sorry to speak so bluntly, but it's true. And honestly, I don't think you're afraid of "reading the riot act" because you're afraid of hurting him. I think you're afraid of what will happen - and what you will learn about the limits of his "love" for you and DD - if you do.

I second appalachian. Love is a verb. He is not loving you right now. If he can't do loving things, it doesn't matter what he feels in his heart. Most parents who lose their children to foster care "love" them.

OP please don't get upset when I say this but here there seems to be a sneaking element of that you are afraid to challenge him.
He's set up a very difficult terrain for you to navigate, it is littered with drama, trauma, despair, loss, health problems etc, which have actually happened to him but are now surrounding him in a circle.

He's in the middle and these things are all like a fence. You and DD are milling around on the outside, trying to find a way in. You are alone.

He could come out of his fenced area, but he says he thinks it's ok and you can come in. You don't like it trapped behind the fence so you are tying yourself into knots trying to figure out how to tempt him out, being scared of his reactions

If I'm completely honest, I'm very scared to challenge him. Apart from being in hospital (where he had a constant supply of morphine to compensate) I haven't seen him go a day without pot or drink for years. Not to the level he's using now at all but always there in the background.
I not afraid he'd leave but I think he knows any of my attempts to lay down the law and challenge him are fundamentally worthless. He knows I'll put up with a sub standard way of living rather than be brave and make real changes.

I have worried about something happening to me and him being the sole carer for dd. He can function well and would be able to look after her and get her to bed etc but if she woke up in the night.......

He's not loving me as in putting real effort into it. He's understandably wrapped up in himself at the moment. I do feel alone sometimes. We are going through a bit of a rocky patch. I want to make the right choices for dd and I don't want to put him before her. I'm already uncomfortable about him smoking anything around her and being on the recieving end of bad moods if she's too loud in the morning. His family have asked me if I want them to speak to him as they feel his behaviour is impacting on me and dd. Maybe I should try that. I've been very resistant to them getting involved till now.

I understand that to many of you I must sound in denial and frankly a bit of a mug. I really appreciate the advice Ive been given. Thank you.

RedStripeLass, you need to do this thought experiment where you imagine where you are in 10 years, when your DD is in her early teens. Imagine that your DP hasn' t changed much. Are you still with your DP? If so, how is life? How is your relationship? What will it do to you if he hasn't changed his habits? What will it do to him? Your DD?

Of course you have no way of knowing if your DP can/will change. So perhaps you can set a "secret" deadline to your self? Maybe give it 6 months or a year?

I think personally he's manipulating you... not that you are a mug. He just wants his life one way and because there are reasons to be sympathetic he plays on these being your greatest weakness a kindness and understanding.

While he remains a helpless victim to you that's exactly where you will remain - being Florence Nightingale.

He can function well and would be able to look after her and get her to bed etc but if she woke up in the night.......

A friend of mine was a lodger in a flat with her friend and friends small little daughter. The owner was a heavy pot smoker.

One night my friend was awoken by the child screaming their head off. They had fallen out of the bed and banged their head badly on the corner of the bedside locker and had a big gash. My friend went to try to wake up Mum but Mum was in a pot coma.

So my friend had to take the child to A+E on her own. The Mum literally didn't know anything had happened until they surfaced the next morning.

Unbelievably, the Mum was raging at my friend cos she thought my friend was "judging" her. (She was in fairness). The relationship broke down and my friend moved out. But always really worried about that child.

I'm surprised that the money isn't more of an issue for you both.

He is willing to see you scrape for pennies while spending £70 a week on drink and drugs. Hurting your family financially is an extremely good reason for most people to seek help, even if they are simultaneously saying they don't have a problem.

Can you get him to put more of that £70 into the family pot? How about you take control of the finances? Has he not suggested that himself?

He said he would make an appointment with the GP. Has he actually done that? Did he pick up the phone there and then and do it? What about AA? Or one of the drugs charities? No? All talk no trousers?

OP can't and shouldn't seek to control her partner's addiction. His spending is unacceptable: she puts up with this or not

i have a new word to introduce to this scenario because no one likes addiction

Chronic long term health condition
Chronic long term use of cannibis
Chronic long term use of alcohol
Chronic long term use of nicotine
Chronic long term difficulty coping with stress
Chronic long term self medicating with substances to alleviate all emotions (all. There doesn't seem to be one which is standing out here to be the issue, it's all emotions. All stress)
Chronic inability to listen to people who love him and want to help
Chronic financial instability
Chronic lack of awareness of his lifestyle choices on his child

I am so shocked reading this thread. If my DH was doing any illegal drugs I would take DS and leave so fast you wouldn't believe it. I would report to police/SS and he wouldn't be anywhere near my DS until he was clean - I don't think our relationship would recover.
My DH did smoke pot before he met me and we have had this discussion.

Your child only gets one chance at childhood. What on earth are you doing? If I knew you in RL I would report you to SS (partly because my job means I have an obligation to do so)

Apologies for being harsh. I don't think there's any other way you are going to understand how far from normal this situation is.

OP has chronic codependency and denial

You say that nothing comes before your daughter's welfare OP. Do you really believe that? Do you think there is time to make things better before she is old enough to understand?

Her father is not there for her, she will already know that. It's her normal.

I think a secret deadline is the way forward. I don't want to be a Florence Nightingale saviour type figure at all. That isn't the relationship we previously had.

rabbit the money issue is huge to me and causing a lot of unsaid resentment. I've never been so poor in my life, yet I'm the one making sure bills are paid.

boris that is pretty harsh. This is a fairly new situation I've found myself in and I've been consulting family and friends and now here on how to proceed. I know people have their own horror stories to tell but this really isn't a social services situation. I am always around in the evening to keep things normal and safe and when I do occasionally go out nothing untoward has happened. On these occasions, when I come home and dd is washed and fed and asleep in bed. I am listening to posters saying he is an addict but it's hard to hear when I've been coming at it more from a depression Angle. This somehow seems tamer and easier to cope with.

I'm not in denial about anything and I'm not co dependent. I think there is still time to improve the situation and get back to a normal loving family before she is old enough to be affected.

Red Boris's response isn't harsh.

It's normal.

But what is normal?

You say there hasn't been a day without booze or pot in years.

So is that the normal you're wanting to get back to? Daily substance abuse but just less than at the moment?

I give up I'm afraid.
"On the days when I do go out nothing untoward happens"
There's no way I'd be leaving any child of mine at all, with someone who is drinking/smoking/stoned every single day. Not even for five minutes.

Good luck OP.
I hope you gain insight into how bad this is before it's too late for your daughter. At the moment, from your attitude it's clear you cannot be helped.
Wishing you well.

If he cannot go a single day without pot he is addicted.

The hallmark of addiction is that IT GETS WORSE without help.

He is not willing to get help.

You must leave him to save you and your daughter's future