My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

"I don't want to let him fall. Surely he needs love and support rather than me just giving up on him".

And those words or similar in content are spoken by enablers all the time. All you are doing is enabling him; it does not help him and only gives you a false sense of control. He does not want your help or support and you are too close to the situation to be of any real use to him anyway. You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

Using pot and drink to unwind has led to this but I have to look at you in this because you are playing out roles which are not healthy to you either. Do you want to be the architect of your own emotional demise as well?.

What about you and your DD in all this; who is more important to you ultimately?. Not him surely. He is an adult who has made his own choices, your child has no choice or say in this matter but has to follow your own lead.

Red,

re an earlier comment of yours:-

"I understand why people would say leave but it's just not an option at the moment".

Yes and if someone else was writing this, then you would write the same too.

Why is it not an option at the moment? What is preventing you?

I sincerely hope he's not an addict. It's seems such a strong word to use for someone who doesn't take any 'hard' drugs.

My worries about him are his total disengagement from life. No friends, no hobbies etc. I try to get him to watch a film with me as an evening activity and he can't even manage that.

He's capable of being a good father and loves dd as his world but once again is so selfish in that he checks out of the more boring aspects of childcare come 4-5 PM. As any parent knows this is when the shit hits the fan! He uses the excuse of smoke clinging to his clothes as to why he can't do bedtime.

As I mentioned before, the money aspect is killing me. I only work part time and I feel whilst he is unwell I'm shouldering all the finance concerns.
I'll suggest the gp again to him. Sadly I think I know what his response would be. I think reading the riot act would still be such a kick in the teeth for someone who's had such a bad year.

atilia dd is of course my most important person. I don't want to enable DP but I don't want to leave him either.

We have had, in the past a lovely relationship and a normal, functioning family unit.

I would also read up on co-dependency Red and see how much of that resonates with your own behaviours. I would say that you are co-dependent.

I think that the whole issue of addiction is really underplayed because it's only celebrities and homeless who get addicted to stuff, right?
As for addictions, you don't need to be diagnosed by a GP to be addicted to gambling or nicotine do you? Why is it different for pot? It's a psychological addiction and he clearly cannot stop because despite seeing the financial and emotional damage, he is in too deep to be able to gain control now.
He has a problem that he is self medicating with drugs and alcohol and his addiction fog and depression have clouded all reason now. He doesn't care about you because he doesn't even care about himself. The more you post about him the worse your life begins to sound. He isn't doing any parenting and has opted out of all non essential life - and a lot of essential things too.
Before his job is next, which st this rate it is highly likely, stop enabling him and scared of rocking the boat and actually do something.

You are not helping him by ignoring this and hoping it will resolve its self. In fact your fear of 'being too hard' is allowing him to sink deeper into this depression ever day. When you love someone sometimes you have to do hard things in their best interest and your own. Would the person he has lost want to see him like this?

Since your partner doesn't appear to be able to go without drink or pot at all, I would say that classifies him as an addict. My XH was an alcoholic, even though he would go for weeks at work without a drink, but as soon as he was home, he was out drinking every day and then drinking more after he got home. I denied it until the day I threw him out, and it wasn't the drink that made me do it. I believed whole-heartedly in my wedding vows and meant to keep them, but after I got out I realised how much his drinking had impacted on our lives.

I, too, had had a lovely past with XH. I do understand how difficult it is to make the break, but if your water bill money has just been spent so he can buy an illegal drug and booze, I find it difficult to understand why you would want to stay with him. I have had mental health problems myself and know how difficult it is to make change. But it is well known that pot increases mental health problems and your partner is in denial. Sadly, so are you. Please, for your DD's sake, stop protecting and enabling him. It will only end in tears either way.

I don't want to enable DP but I don't want to leave him either.

But you are already enabling him. How are you helping him exactly, you are way out of your depth here re him. What other choice do you realistically have going forward?. You could equally be looking at the self same situation in a year's time.

Why do you not want to leave him?. You may well love him I grant you but love is not enough in these situations. He loves drink and drugs more than you. You cannot love him better and you are yourself in no position either to do that anyway.

"I sincerely hope he's not an addict. It's seems such a strong word to use for someone who doesn't take any 'hard' drugs".

You seem very pained by the term addict. What would you call him then other than physically and psychologically dependent on not just this but drink also. He is using at yours and your child's overall expense both mentally and financially; he is using family money to his own end.

Where is your own line in the sand here; why is it so blurred and why are your boundaries so very low? Did you yourself grow up seeing similar?

But there's a very good reason why he's totally disengaged from life, checks out of parenthood at 4pm and fritters family money away, isn't there?

And yet you don't see him an an addict because it's a harmless bit of pot?

I'm out. But good luck with everything and I hope that one day your eyes are opened to how serious your situation is.

Red I really hope you didn't think I was being judgey or preachy I wasn't trying to be.

Cannabis get minimised a lot on mn. I think it's important to know what the consequences of it can be.

If someone you loved had been seriously ill, endured major surgery and then lost a parent all in the same year would you really go on to read them the riot act? Tell them that you are now taking away the last of his happiness and stability.
I understand the concepts of co dependency and enabling and know that you are all making valid points but put yourself in my shoes for a moment. It seems so, so cruel even if it's being cruel to be kind in the long run.

When is he capable of being a good father and supportive husband at the moment? I imagine you will struggle to answer that. There is too much going on including managing money worries and caring for your addicted husband, to expect you to cope with alone. It sounds like you will be better off being alone raising your DD, and having a discussion with him followed by a trial separation may be in his and definitely your, best interest.

But Red, the fact is he is not trying to help himself, by seeking help from the GP, or counselling. He is happy to sink further in a drug/alcohol-induced haze. Something has to change.

He doesn't love drink and pot more than me or dd. During an argument I asked him and he said no. I believe him. I'm getting so defensive and I'm sorry for that. I have been so angry about how he prioritises these things so I don't know why I'm defending him now.

I didn't grow up seeing similar. Stable upbringing but with a fairly absent father.

You're all right of course that I do struggle with the word addict. It sounds so terminal.

someone you loved had been seriously ill, endured major surgery and then lost a parent all in the same year would you really go on to read them the riot act?

Why do you think that any other course of action would be akin to reading him the riot act?. Yes I would read him this as well because his actions are ruining family life. Your DD is also learning about relationships from the two of you; just what is she being taught here by you both?. Its not just him who this has happened to, he is not unique by any means. You have seen the fallout from all this. Not all people choose to lose themselves through drink and drugs because of what life has chosen to throw at them.

"Tell them that you are now taking away the last of his happiness and stability".

He is not showing you any happiness or stability is he; you're living from hand to mouth currently.

"I understand the concepts of co dependency and enabling and know that you are all making valid points but put yourself in my shoes for a moment. It seems so, so cruel even if it's being cruel to be kind in the long run".

I would argue that you understand neither co-dependency or enabling.
If you do love this man truly you will now let him go and work on resolving your own codependency issues. Currently all you are doing is dragging each other down, your actions are prolonging this awful situation.

"He doesn't love drink and pot more than me or dd. During an argument I asked him and he said no. I believe him"

Is believing him easily rather than looking at the evidence in front of your own eyes?.

Can you actually talk with him at all without an argument ensuing?. Also your child hears all this if she is in the house at the time; sound travels. Even if she is not in the house she is all too aware that things between mum and dad are not good.

He puts pot and drink before you people; his primary relationship is with those substances.

Why in your head does addict = terminal. Some addicts do seek help for their addictions; your man is choosing not to do so and perhaps never will.

attilia I have made that exact point to him, about no one else in his family disintegrating into this state and there are many family members who were closer to the deceased. He doesn't listen.

I know I'm not helping currently. I do my best to make sure dd is not affected by this.

If he agrees to get help I wouldn't have to leave would I?

Ok, so he has a "get out of jail free" card currently cos he's had a shit year.

I lost both parents unexpectedly in the space of few months. Jesus, it was hell. It sent me into a grief spiral. But life still went on, and kids still had to be fed and played with and put to bed. So I did the grown up thing, and got counselling and figured out how to Adult my way though the pain.

So maybe I'm a bitch, but I don't see illness or bereavement as an excuse to turn into Kevin The Teenager. Not when you've grown up responsibilities. He can't do bedtime cos his clothes smell? And you accept that??! For fucks sake!

Hes a lazy sod. He won't watch a movie cos he wants to be free to smoke in the garden. He is a selfish addict who just wait be left alone with his real love, let's face it.

So how long does his get out of jail free card last? Is there an expiry date? Or does he get to play the woe is me, I had a bereavement and was very sick angle for another year? Another two years? Who decides when it's over and you're"allowed" to start deciding life has to change?

No we don't argue often. I hate arguing with a passion. She does not witness arguments often.

Good point elspeth I don't know when I'll stop being so understanding due to 'the shit year'. There's got to be an end point.

I'm sorry for you loss too.

Thanks a lot. I actually had a newborn that year too. So believe me I know how crushing loss can be. There was nothing I wanted more than to go to bed at 5pm every day! But I didn't cos it would be grossly unfair to my husband, who was my best pal.

How come your OH is cool with letting down his best pal and making her do everything? How is that friendship?

sweetheart, yes sadly I do think you have to leave.

No one is saying it has to be forever, but until your DP takes action for himself, no one is benefiting from you staying together, not him, not you and certainly not your DD.

He can still be a wonderful parent to your DD even if you are not living together.
And you can have some space to think about what you need and what you want your life to look like. Because the focus seems to be totally on him having a great life, no matter the cost to you

I wish you well. Think really hard about the wonderful advice you have had here

It feels like there is a contradiction between you saying that, on the one hand, you had a lovely relationship in the past, but on the other hand he has always been a really selfish person. How could it be a lovely relationship if he was selfish all time?

I'm out of this. Too many posters berating the OP, giving her a hard time and bullying her into doing what they think she should. What a joke

I am housebound and been classified as disabled due to a health issue that results in lots of pain. I have suffered a bereavement. This doesn't give me the right to check out of life on a day to day basis.
I think your DH has got himself into a vicious cycle and isn't dealing with anything because he's so reliant on checking out.
I would at least pack up for the weekend and take DD to stay with family or friends. Anywhere you can go to just give you both a bit of space. It might be the break you need to help yourself deal with this better when you go back, it might make you realise you can't go on like this and heck it might even make him take a bit of notice.

BUT you cannot carry on like this. It's not fair on you, but you atleast get to choose to stand by and watch him. Your daughter does not have a choice. How will you explain this to her when she's older? What will you say if school mentions something to you? Or if they call social services? What about when she starts wanting friends over to play? You cannot expose someone else's child to that.
You know you are struggling both financially and emotionally. You have to do something. All we can suggest is that if he doesn't want to change you can only leave. It might seem harsh, it's a big blow for him, but you are supporting him as he is now, not supporting him to get better. You cannot make him better! Only he can do that.