My DP doesn't look after his mind, body or soul.

[RedStripeLass]

I'm at a loss with how to help him. He's 35, we have a 3 year old daughter who was very much planned, both work in our careers of choice yet I'm worried we are crashing and burning.

Where do I start.... When we met 8 years ago he was fun, popular and a real laugh to be around. Now he's sullen, moody and tired all of the time. I mean all of the time. Any extra time in the day will be spent in bed. He never sees friends anymore. He doesn't appear to even have friends anymore.

He doesn't shave and doesn't even wash more than a couple of times a week. I'm making sure he wears clean clothes. He doesn't eat much or properly despite me cooking for him and is, I think, underweight.

He's suffered ill health and bereavement this year but will not face up to anything bad. I'd love him to access some counceling but he is entirely resistant to even the suggestion.

He drinks and smokes pot every single night till he's asleep. He works in the service industry and I know both are ingrained in this world but it's no longer social. I'll enjoy a drink with him a few nights a week but I'm not a smoker. He is sinking over £70 a week smoking pot on his own in the garden. How sad is that? We are so poor at the moment it breaks my heart.

I'm sure he's suffering from depression but he will not indulge in even the slightest bit of self reflection.

Where do I go from here? The whole sorry situation has now caused me to suffer with anxiety and I'm getting tired of propping our family unit up. I'd love to expand our little family but rationally thinking, everything tells me I can't bring another child into this till he's well. How on earth do you make someone access therapy?

Jesus wept, I cannot believe that anyone thinks a night where your husband and father of your child is smoking pot and drinking but doesn't wet himself was a "win"..........do you know what, OP - his behaviour is bad enough but in honesty, yours is even worse because you could have got your dd away from this by now but you are choosing to put his needs over hers. And that is bloody scary and not right

I went to a party once (I assumed adults) where a little girl was curled up on the sofa shivering cold while her mother and boyfriend were off their faces. I got her a blanket off the host and tried to talk to them about taking her home. The boyfriend was very drunk and threatened to punch me in the face. I wish I had called social services although I never did. I immediately left because I just was so upset at how that kid must have felt.

Go to the gp yourself, tell him/her what's going on and ask for advice and help. Best of luck

I don't know what to say. She was well looked after at all times and no one was smoking inside with her awake and no one did coke at any point in the open. It was just obvious, given the uncles track record and his red bloated face yapping on that he probably was on coke.

They are family and they are far more nice and normal than people are assuming (not coke head uncle he's a criminal twat and I don't hold him up as any kind of decent person) and we all had a big clean up and a lovely morning together drinking tea and eating a massive cooked brekky. Not exactly debauched.

hiding you seem to understand a bit more. Thank you!

So much of what I've posted sounds shit for dd but last night wasn't.

They're 'normal' to you, that doesn't mean they're normal, sorry

offred you're right that I don't like it always. I get tired of being the boring one and actually would like to have a bit more of a classy evening get together sometimes where I'm not the boring one but they're family and they all mean well.

myuser I know you've really put yourself in dds shoes having lived what you feel is a similar experience and I really thank you for helping. Your posts have sent me a bit more in the right direction. I'm so sorry you had such an unfair start to life

Distance things have definitely changed for him and his more restrained behaviour proved that. He's scared to go ott now because he knows me and dd could and will leave.

It's just the whole normality of it that's not actually normal. That's not in any way a healthy example of a family gathering, even minimised down to what it have explained - it's the type of gathering that I would expect to take place between adults when children aren't present. I know people who dabble in Coke, not in front of me but I'm not stupid thaf it doesn't happen but at a family gathering it's completely off the wall. I don't know anyone I would socialise with willingly that would even continue to get off their faces with kids asleep upstairs asleep. We just don't do that. This entire family gathers together with the whole intention of getting fucked up together, having the kids present during this is seen as totally normal. It is not. Even at a wedding. Family gatherings aren't usually about just joining together to get wasted.

It's so damaging Red what she will learn as she grows up if this seems relatively normal to you.

They don't mean well. They just like getting fucked up. Meaning well is making a cake that doesn't taste lovely but it's the thought that counts. Meaning well is getting a bit of a crappy Christmas present from your nan. Meaning well doesn't mean getting totally plastered together for fun, that's just a selfish adult thing to do that doesn't mean anything to anyone

Totally horrified at this thread.

The worst thing about the whole episode is how you keep on minimising the whole situation - nothing about this is normal or good for your DD,. I am a professional in a field where safe guarding takes place and if I knew your DD in RL, I would be reporting her as a concern.

Please do something instead of looking for the positives in what is a shockingly neglectful and harmful environment for your DD.

So your H thinks he can continue to spend shedloads of money on weed and booze, change nothing about his addictions other than reducing the number of "blowouts" and you will stay?

But you'll leave if he wets himself?

And you're OK with that even though you can't afford christmas and are v scared of the landlord booting you out?

Wow. You took your child to a place where people were drinking, smoking pot and to spend time with her cokehead uncle. WTF?!
This is not a nice family party. I went to one of those last night. The kids had a bite to eat and some cake. No drugs and no worries someone might piss themselves.
Your view of what is normal is completely warped. Your daughter could end up telling a friend about the funny cigarettes or the sniffy uncle talking rubbish. School would have no house but to refer it on.
Your child deserves better.

No. I'm not ok with how things are but I asked him to change and he really made an effort last night and this morning. I'm grasping at straws but I'm really an eternal optimist.
I almost see the financial (hate to write this word , but) abuse as a separate thing to tackle in my mind..

I'm eBay selling like crazy for Christmas. Other than that I'm not thinking about it. We can do it on a budget.

But why should you do it on a budget, while he sets fire to, and pisses away hundreds of pounds. Why is that ok with you?

Effort with what? He was happy because he had no work last night and was at a party enjoying himself. Back to normality doesn't seem to go so well for him. He just got slightly less wasted than he does on other nights of the week and he managed not to piss himself.

Your eternal optimism isn't so much if a quirky trait but the road nowhere but unhappiness.

We all keep telling you the same thing. The bar you keep setting yourself is so low. You also keep moving it around. The moment he perks up a little bit you instantly go back on everything you felt before. Being so easily pleased by so little means he will continue to take advantage of that.

I know she does but if everyone could change their life completely after posting on the Internet for a month there wouldn't be any problems in the world ! I really feel like I've made significant changes inside myself and for dd that are hard to put into writing for strangers. People on here including yourself have helped possibly more than you'd believe but things in real life take time and it's not just a steady plod in the right direction. Things stall or even go backwards before they continue in the right direction but all that o can hope is that I ultimately keep the momentum going to keep slowly moving things forward so dd doesn't have to live like this forever.

An eternal optimist? WTF?!

Stop this mindset and start protecting your DD - that means telling him its over.

You are NOT responsible for him and his actions - your DD is the one you need to be responsible for.

Get out of this toxic environment. Before its too late.

(To wolfie)

And I suppose to everyone

red, you don't get addiction yet. You really don't. You're still thinking what his uncle said had the slightest chance of getting through. It won't. All an addict hears when someone says that kind of thing to them is 'blah blah blah blah blah'. He hasn't changed, and he won't change because his uncle spoke to him.

I can see what's going to happen here. You will cling to these tiny sad islands of 'really bad but not utterly terrible', your Christmas deadline will pass, he'll regress, and another year of DD's precious life will pass in a home warped by addiction and dysfunction, until she's warped to fit.

It's not optimism to prioritise your abusive relationship with an addict over your DD. Wake up.

From our perspective there is vitually no progress to be seen Red.

You are still clinging to the hope everything will he ok and looking for ways to minimise his behaviour and find ways around things instead of confronting them. A month after posting you are no further on from what you were apart from deciding to sell more things on eBay. He has made no changes at all. You don't have any decent plans for your finances. He hasn't seen anyone about his mental health. You went to one Al-Anon meeting.

nothing has really changed

I'm sorry but I was the child whose mother was slowly moving forward. It was shit.
You need to get your ducks in a row and get her away from him. If he'd made an effort he wouldn't be using drugs or allowing your DD to be around other people using drugs. That's the very least a non shit parent would do.
You probably thinking I'm being harsh and I am not saying these changes are easy BUT he shows no sign of stopping. Slow steps are not enough. Not close.