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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't sleep...DP punched me earlier

164 replies

yorkshireblonde · 15/10/2016 23:19

He's snoring away next to me now, I just feel so weird and can't settle.

I think i just need a bit of perspective. I've tried to write this post a few times now and I feel like it sounds so petty. I would really appreciate other opinions on it.

I asked DP a question earlier while we were watching Telly. He didn't answer me so I nudged him with my knee. He then grabbed my leg and punched it very hard twice. I immediately burst into tears because of the shock and pain and then came upstairs. There is a large lump and a bruise already starting to show.

He has never ever been violent before and I definitely don't feel scared of him, just shocked.

Don't really know what to do with myself now

OP posts:
Sadsnake · 16/10/2016 15:44

Well, I don't know about anybody else,I've I've not read the replies just what you said happened... for me that would be the end of the relationship.ive been with dh 25 years.if he ever ,even once did that ,it would be over ,even after 25 years.

ZuleikaDobson · 16/10/2016 15:46

LovesPeace, I really don't think you can possibly understand the meaning of the term "nudge" if you think it is conceivably a physical assault.

Original poster
yorkshireblonde · 16/10/2016 15:47

I haven't reported anything yet, I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.

I'm just about to go and drop his things round so I'll probably see what he's told his mum then.

He has asked me repeatedly today to come home, DS has also asked for him lots. I can feel myself cracking.

OP posts:
marmalade999 · 16/10/2016 15:51

I was married to a man who did this. I should never have married him. I was then making excuses for him. Blaming myself. It gradually got worse. Thankfully I divorced and moved on. All I can say is he will do it again. This sounds stupid and I've never said it to anyone but Jessie jays song 'who you are' really made me think. I remember playing it over and over again. Basically it's looking at yourselfin the mirror and asking if this is what you want for yourself and your little ones. I know this might sound like bullsh1t but it worked for me. I got him out of my life.

Good luck. I would ring women's aid too xxx

Myusernameismyusername · 16/10/2016 15:52

You will feel wobbly at times but you have to remember that feeling last night when you were scared and felt alone. Because you will never be able to fully trust him ever again that he won't hurt you

LovesPeace · 16/10/2016 15:54

Zuleika
I have every sympathy for the OP - a horrible situation. No one ever has the right to punch their partner, nor would I stay in a relationship like that.

But I also don't agree that partners have the right to nudege, tap, slap or whatever you want to call a physical interaction. I believe we should all respect each other mentally (no name calling) and physically (no pushing someone out of your way, nudging when you are annoyed that they haven't responded) etc. That goes for elderly parents, children, too.

If I were the OP would I stay in this relationship? Probably not.

But then it's not my decision, nor anyone else's than the OPs, and she needs to speak to someone in RL either close or distant to her, to find her best way through this.

hutchblue · 16/10/2016 15:55

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Somerville · 16/10/2016 15:58

Taking him back will be giving him the message that all he gets for assaulting you is a few hours at his mum's in time out. Like a punishment for a child.

He's not really sorry - you know that right? If he were he wouldn't have slept soundly all night, only left when you insisted, given you jobs/reasons to have to see him today, or asked to come home. He'd have been horrified at hurting you and voluntarily stayed away to keep you and the children safe until he could get urgent medical or psychological appraisal to understand why he behaved the way he did and how to prevent it ever happening again. That's what a man I know did when he suddenly threw something at his wife. (It was a brain tumour, as it turned out.)

Please think carefully before you cover up for him with his mum or anyone else. And please think even harder before agreeing to let him home.

Somerville · 16/10/2016 16:03

lovepeace
For someone who is so keen to point out errors in other people's ise of the English language, it's astounding that you don't know the definition of a nudge. Which is a light touch. If you consider yourself to be assaulted when someone touches you lightly to get your attention then bully for you, but the police will be most bemused if you report it. Whereas they will not be bemused if the OP gathers together the strength to report being punched. Instead they will be keen to protect her before it escalates.

Gymnopedies · 16/10/2016 16:03

Don't take him back and log it with the police (so it is in the records). What would happen if he did that to your children?

Bogeyface · 16/10/2016 16:05

when will people stop saying "Log it with the police"

They WILL arrest him if she reports it, she will not have any choice over whether he is prosecuted, and she may not want that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2016 16:07

"He has asked me repeatedly today to come home, DS has also asked for him lots. I can feel myself cracking".

YB; you cannot waiver now. As Somerville rightly states taking him back will be giving him the message that all he gets as punishment is a time out at his mother's.

He has to be shown by you that there are proper consequences for his actions and that involves now talking to the police about what he did to you. If someone had come up to you in the street and hit your leg you would report it, this is really no different. You need to report this to the authorities and have your leg injury logged.

I would also ask someone else to collect his stuff for him rather than drop it round. I would also not rely on his mother; her loyalty is to her son rather than you.

BantyCustards · 16/10/2016 16:10

We're saying to log it with the police because he bloody well needs arresting.

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 16/10/2016 16:10

Don't know why lovepeace is getting so much attention..its just the usual goadiness and desire to be purposely controversial that you expect on a thread like this..of course a nudge or gentle poke shouldn't be perceived as assault. Op..wishing you well in all of this. Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2016 16:13

"They WILL arrest him if she reports it, she will not have any choice over whether he is prosecuted, and she may not want that".

There is no guarantee whatsoever that if OP did take him back he would never act like this again. Are you suggesting that his actions should therefore go unpunished? The police's main priority is to protect the victim and any children they have.

Bogeyface · 16/10/2016 16:15

I am saying that its up to the OP to decide what she wants to happen.

Arresting him could lead down a path the OP is not ready to go, its easy to sit at a laptop and tell someone what they should do, not so easy when its your real life that is crashing down around your ears.

I am pointing out that it is not possible to "log it" with the police. However, it would be a good idea for her to discuss it with her GP so it is matter of record there if she decides in the future to take it further.

Costacoffeeplease · 16/10/2016 16:20

Taking him back will just show him that it's ok, this will become the new base line - so a punch to the leg equals a few hours out of the house - big deal. No deterrent to stop him doing it again, and again

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2016 16:20

OPs sky fell in when he hit her. He did that of his own volition. She did nothing to cause that to happen.

I have read the Met Police's website on domestic violence and there is nothing at all mentioned about having the perpetrator immediately arrested. Their focus is purely on helping the victim and children. She should not be afraid of calling the police ever.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He crossed that particular line when he hit her. He felt entitled to do that to her.

PoldarksBreeches · 16/10/2016 16:26

I think that pp was pointing out that you don't just 'log' DV reports to the police - if you make a report the police will decide what to do with it. Of course this man should be reported but op needs to be prepared for that, not to think she can just report it so it goes on file.

Bogeyface · 16/10/2016 16:27

Have I said that this is anyones fault but his?

No.

But the OP still has to deal with it, with the fall out. If she isnt ready to call the police then she isnt ready and no one, no not even the MN massive, has the right to tell her what she should or shouldnt do. Its up to her.

EternallyYouthful · 16/10/2016 16:31

But the OP still has to deal with it, with the fall out. If she isnt ready to call the police then she isnt ready and no one, no not even the MN massive, has the right to tell her what she should or shouldnt do. Its up to her.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/10/2016 16:34

OPs man needs to leave her the hell alone now rather than keep asking her to come back. That is putting direct pressure on her. He should stay at his mother's; goodness alone knows what she has been told. Not the truth of the situation I daresay. OPs relationship with him is now at an end in any case, he is not the person she thought he was.

The fallout from all this will be widespread regardless of whether OP decides to report him or otherwise. It is her decision but I would still urge her to talk to the police anyway. There has to be real consequences for his actions rather than he just staying at his mother's.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/10/2016 17:07

LovesPeace "Tap" is another word that has been taken over by violent men tominimise violence. "It was only a tap."

A genuine "tap" and what I would call a tap is what you do with one finger - maybe on your partner's/friend's shoulder from behind their back before saying "oh my god - what are you doing here?!?" When you run into them unexpectedly somewhere.

tribpot · 16/10/2016 17:20

Getting you to take his stuff round is a ploy. I would lay odds his mum is going to do a number on you to get you to take him back.

Let him ask a friend to fetch his stuff, and explain why. You need this to become public knowledge before the whitewashing and minimising can take hold.

Mix56 · 16/10/2016 17:22

Yorkshire, at the very least you must take photos of the bruises,/swelling & email them to yourself so there is no chance he can meddle with evidence.
if you feel going to the police is more than you can justify it is clearly because you are in shock, your life just imploded. But in the world I live in No Man is entitled to beat/punch or in anyway physically injure a woman. Does he have a history of fighting ?
You could also get the injuries logged with your GP.
Sorry I haven't RTFT, but was he drunk/other substance ? If he has never been violent before, what happened that he punched you? other than you nudging him ?
He must not be allowed home because he is bullying & putting the pressure on. He has no right to make demands. What if he had lost his rag with one of the children ? he just belts them too?
Unfortunately he has hit you once, your relationship has been altered indefinitely. At the very least he needs to see someone about this outburst before any return