Can't sleep...DP punched me earlier

[yorkshireblonde]

He's snoring away next to me now, I just feel so weird and can't settle.

I think i just need a bit of perspective. I've tried to write this post a few times now and I feel like it sounds so petty. I would really appreciate other opinions on it.

I asked DP a question earlier while we were watching Telly. He didn't answer me so I nudged him with my knee. He then grabbed my leg and punched it very hard twice. I immediately burst into tears because of the shock and pain and then came upstairs. There is a large lump and a bruise already starting to show.

He has never ever been violent before and I definitely don't feel scared of him, just shocked.

Don't really know what to do with myself now

Log it with the police first thing OP and get him out of the house ASAP.

Do not marry this man.

I'm so sorry this happened to you

take this as a warning signpost telling you to get out of this relationship
what he did was shocking
acting as if it was no big deal just compounds things

I feel like I must have done something to bring it on. I have struggled massively with postnatal depression since our daughter was born last year, maybe I've just been a bit too difficult?

Dear girl, please listen to me. I'm putting this in bold so you see it loud and clear; There is NEVER a valid reason to strike your partner. Never ever ever. Not even if you got all up in his grill, called him every filthy name in the book, and double-dog-dared him to hit you. NEVER ANY REASON!!

Please call your parents. I'm probably their age and it would kill me to know that my child felt they couldn't turn to me in your situation. It's not like you're complaining about something trivial, like too much footy or one too many down the pub. You are asking for help because your DP hit you. Please, let them help you.

You need to understand that once that first punch is thrown by a partner, the second becomes easier, then the third is even easier. And the scariest part is that it then becomes a 'normal' part of your relationship. It may even start involving the children. You don't want that to happen.

Yorkshire blonde, I gaurantee that the police will be interested.
I had almost the same issue with my DS not so long ago, very recently actually.
I had to eventually leave the house as I was getting no support from DH or DD. I'm actually disabled, so packing a bag in haste wasn't a doddle. I was also wearing a special boot as I'd just had surgery on my foot. I stayed somewhere safe, but let a friend know I was ok without giving away where I was. She could then phone DH to let him know I was safe, but not where.
I stayed out until quite late the next day. I needed time on my own to put things into perspective.
Anyway, and I honestly don't know whom, contacted SS, who in turn contacted the police. Best thing ever as this was becoming a habit, from DS.
Police was so serious they wanted to issue an immediate arrest warrant. I asked them not to, which they accepted.
However, I was told that if there was a next time, they'd definitely arrest him and definitely prosecute without my consent. DS was very angry at first when we told him as a united front. DH was told by police it was his duty to stand by me, not act as advocate. Didn't ever work, and with DS kicking off, then DD having a chip in and DH doing the above, I felt attacked from all sides.
Anyway, when DS came back having calmed down for a few days at uni, and read the text message I sent earlier to his GF, which he was too angry to be bothered to read the night before. He realised my message was absolutely innocuous and actually really sticking up for him (long story). It didn't upset her at all; she took it in the spirit in which it was meant to be taken. She wasn't at all in the slightest upset when she saw him next time. Just worried. DS was highly contrite and was almost in tears; he felt so ashamed.
Now the house is a humungous amount calmer. Even DD doesn't kick off at all now. My DS is back to his really cuddly self. It was seriously the wake up call he needed. Especially when we told him what the consequences would be upon any potential career. It would be ruined before he even started! Plus, I was worried that he'd continue this pattern into a marriage/relationship.
The police have given me details of a refuge that I keep on my mobile, but obviously not under 'refuge'. Something else, that's not forgettable. I won't hesitate to use it if there's a next time.
The police were incredibly kind and took me very seriously, btw. Photograph and date your photo. Write all the details down on paper while you remember them. It also helped me, psychologically, to write it down. Based on my own experience, I would be inclined to contact the police and get him given an official warning. It's worked wonders in our house.
I just thank whoever called SS, although I still don't know who it was. But yes, I have no regrets. I'd do it in a heartbeat next time. And I won't give him a second chance like I did last time to calm down.
To be very positive though, I'd say my DS and I get along even better now. He gives my humungous hugs and tells me frequently that he loves me.
I'm so happy, positive and now feel safe in my own home.
I'd love to thank the police involved personally, but can't remember him name.

Oh OP, you didn't do anything to deserve this. Your first post gave me a chill. He punched you more than once and hard enough to bruise for literally no reason at all. That is not ok, it's not normal. He's sleeping just fine which means he doesn't think anything is wrong. If he thinks this is fine he will do it again.

You don't have to call the police but do take pictures of the bruise and email them to yourself so they're time stamped. In the morning take your children to your mums or a friend's and ask him to leave. You cannot trust this man with your safety.

He deliberately injured you. My exH started out by doing 'play' punches and ended up damaging my spine and cracking my ribs.

You're the mother of his children and he punched you. This is not petty. Leave now.

Forward the texts to someone you trust, or to a £10 PAYG phone. He has admitted it in those texts, they are your evidence for when he denies it, which I am sorry to say, he will.

Yup if he was really worried, scared and sorry he'd be awake, crying and begging for forgiveness.

It's not your fault.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Can you have a family member, or a friend, there earlyish, to help you while you tell him to go?

Screenshot the texts and the photos of the bruises and forward them to someone you trust for safe keeping. Then call the police.

Stay safe.

Things get worse not better. Don't get married. I was in a situation so similar to you and got married still. Ended up divorcing approx a year after getting married as surprise it escalated to the point where there was no doubt as to what I needed to do.

Get yourself to your GP on Monday so it is recorded. It is up to you as to what you do next but getting some support and at least knowing it has been recorded in case you need evidence in the future is a good fist move. Don't forget the Samaritians are ther if you want to speak to someone.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. He may be shocked he has done it tomorrow.

He is not your DP any more and your relationship is now at an end. He crossed a line that should never be crossed. You and he can no longer be together because of his violence towards you. One punch can and does all too easily lead to another.

This is not your fault he was violent towards you; the fault lies entirely with him.

Please report him to the police asap if you have not already done so and get him out of your lives for good. Get your leg injury logged too with both the GP and police; take photos of the bruising.

The police and Womens Aid can and will help you here.

Jesus.

He is bloody terrifying!

OP please call the police.

Most abusers start slowly and build up to punching - he's gone from 0-60 and is all blase about it too. He doesn't care about you.

I repeat: please call the police.

Hope you're ok OP.

You suggested last night that you were entertaining the idea that you in some way provoked him with your PND.

The fact that you could think that suggests strongly to me that there is an underlying strand of emotional abuse in your relationship, which has led to your self esteem being so eroded that you could think this.

You may well not see it now, but get some space and think about it.

Hope you're feeling just as strongly this morning, you can not stay with this man, he is abusive
Please make plans to seperate today

How are things this morning yorkshire ?

OP, I'm sorry but this is how it starts. There is no fixing this.

Take it one step at a time. I can only imagine the devastation you feel when you mind starts running to the two children and the planned wedding and the future you were sure of. But start with the future and try to start understanding that if you stay, it will not be a nice family future.

I know you will be screaming in your head 'why did he do this' and thinking it was just a silly moment of madness but I swear on my heart that anyone who thinks its ok to lash out like that WIL be doing it again.

He needs to know this was unacceptable. In an ideal world you would leave him and be safe from risk of further abuse. I work in a field where I sadly don't often experience an ideal world and I deal with the fallout as a result. I appreciate packing his bags or yours is a massive upheaval and depends on how strongly you view what happened. By saying that I am absolutely not minimising what he did, but realistically some people would view that as a deal breaker and others have too strong emotional ties to end a relationship at that stage.

Any decision you make is ok so long as it's your decision because you need to be committed to it, not taking on board someone else's decision and then wondering why you did so.

Support is out there for whichever decision you make.

Whilst hus assault may have appeared out of the blue, this is highly unlikely to have been the case. More likely is that he displayed other controlling behaviours to indicate he has underlying beliefs that justify a negative attitude towards you as a woman in some way. Often these behaviours are small and barely noticeable. I have been trained to look out for them but even then I'm not perfect at it! Have a Google for the 'power and control wheel' which lists many many types of non physical abuse within a relationship. See if you can recognise any of his.

Make sure you delete search history for things like this as if you're off with him he is likely to become paranoid and check what you've been up to and who you've been communicating with.

If you discuss what happened do not do so in the kitchen. There are many harmful things in a kitchen and I've dealt with a number of incidents where an 'argument' has become a serious wounding and it makes you wonder if it wouldn't have happened so severely if they'd been in a different room away from potential weapons. I don't say that to scare you, only to arm you with knowledge and preparation.

I'm so sorry you are facing this. Please use support to get through this. You are not alone

I agree with pp, he may already have shown signs of control that you didn't see. Possibly because he made you think it was your fault. For example, if he's broken / lost things that are important to you, but then suggested you are OTT or you should have taken more care. It may be negative comments on your appearance or way that you do things the 'wrong' way.

Keep your sanity - if you're trying to do the right things in a fair way you shouldn't feel guilty. If you do then mental as well as physical abuse is taking place and both are wrong.

user1470269632 I understand your message was one of support and encouragement to go to the police but I think your advice about it being the wake up call your DS needed and you get along better now is misguided.

The balance of power/dynamic between parent and (young adult) child is different to that of two adult partners in a romantic relationship. You and your DC would have had a strong foundation of unconditional love urging you to try and salvage your relationship with them. You get final say over the rules/behaviour in your house because it is your house. Ultimately your DC will fly the nest, you won't be intending to spend the rest of your life living together.

With OP and her DP there is no such unconditional love bonding them (nor should there be), the dynamic should be that they are equal partners and the intention is presumably they are together for the long haul. OP (and her DC) should be able to live without fear of violence and implying that calling the police will enable the OP to give her DP another chance by giving him a wake up call is ill advised imo. He's a grown adult who thinks it is acceptable to use physical punishment against a fellow human being - there is never an excuse for that view.

The fact that his first assault was two hard punches, ie a closed fist as opposed to an open hand, seems especially sinister to me

You should tell the police to protect yourself in the future.

If for example you are worried about his contact with the DC, if you have proof he is violent you have a much better chance of calling the shots.

If you have no proof he was violent to you then it'd just be your word against his. Going to the police now and getting them to record your injury is proof.

Also if domestic violence is involved it's possible you may be able to access legal aid if you end up in a custody battle etc further down the line. (Legal aid is really hard to get these days).

It's not so much about whether you want to press charges now - it's about taking the opportunity to take some power back and protect yourself and your DDs in the future by getting an official record of what he's done.

Hope this morning goes well op. He needs to leave.

Best case scenario- he is sorry, he didn't mean to...(?!) He still cannot control his actions and you and DC need to leave safely until he has undertaken therapy and anger management to get to the root cause of why he's so angry he hit his DP with no provocation...

More likely scenario- the fact that you even thought that there must have been something you did to cause this says to me that there's likely already been an environment where blame is unfairly put on you, for his feelings.. He hit you once, if you stay no matter what you say to him, he will see that he can get away with that with no lasting consequences.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and lived in fear of violence. I'm now in a safe, secure, healthy relationship I have never had any fear that he would do anything to harm me, no matter what I said to him! Having hit you once the power dynamic will alter further as you fear him and he can gain more and more control.

I'm so sorry this has happened, it's devastating and it shouldn't. Please speak to someone in RL and I think you should go to the police too. They can help you with next steps