Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

You had tea with your boyfriend of 3 months who had just told you he was a convicted child sex offender, after already allowing you to introduce him to your child.

Walter - I had tea with my boyfriend of 3 months - it's clear from my OP why I would think this was ok. I wanted to know. Wouldn't you?

In all honesty? No.

Finding out he is on the SO register for 10 YEARS for looking at appalling images of abused children, regardless of his bullshit story, would make me cut him dead, immediately, without a backward glance. I'd be thanking my lucky stars of an early escape.

the fact you do not have this reaction suggests you are either extremely, naive, vulnerable, or downright delusional, maybe all 3. Tell your DH, let him take charge.

Run far and fast. He will never be able to support you properly or stay overnight with you. He is a huge risk for your DD. 10 years on a register is a LONG time and makes me think he is downplaying his conviction. You cannot keep this info quiet. You have only his word. For these reasons alone get out and stay out.

Your main problem here that I can see is this:

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

This is all kinds of weird imo. I think you need to look at your marriage and decide if you are in or out. Get some help so you can work on forming proper relationships.

It sounds like you've had a rough past and it's stopping you seeing how weird your relationships are. I think you need a fresh start and some help to put you on a better path that's not leading to a registered sex offender.

Surprise surprise he won't let you tell your daughter's father.

If my XH got a new GF who was a SO, and lied to me by keeping that information secret I would tear him apart, limb from fucking limb.

Your past experiences have fucked you up completely if you think there is anything to do other than get your daughter safely away from this car crash you are creating.

You are going to end this with him and tell the Police, yes?

I had tea with my boyfriend of 3 months - it's clear from my OP why I would think this was ok. I wanted to know. Wouldn't you?

You had tea with a child abuser who groomed you because he wants access to your dd.

Wanted to know what? The sick little details?

Wouldn't I? No, I wouldn't.

I would be straight to the police station and I would be devastated that I'd exposed my child to a monster. I would be telling her father, and I would be making damn sure that that sick bastard knew never to contact me or go anywhere near me again.

I'd also be telling everyone else I knew he had contact with, to make sure they protected their children.

But no, I wouldn't be on a date asking for the gory details.

I've seen many troll threads in the past and they're a huge nuisance. I don't believe this is the one.

Desmondo's post says everything that needs to be said on this thread.

Agree with a PP. You need to tell your DH NOW what you have found out and ask him to take you to the police to report this man persuing a relationship with a woman who has a child.

And Jesus wept woman, why the FUCK have you introduced him to you daughter, even before you (decided to ignore that he is a) paedophile, even as a 'friend'.
Totally unnecessary.

You know what you have to do, the restrictions are there for a reason, he can't be trusted with kids.

I've asked DH to call me asap

"I've seen many troll threads in the past and they're a huge nuisance. I don't believe this is the one."

Agreed, having seen this situation first hand it really is all too familiar. The OP sounds vulnerable, and understandably doesn't want to throw away what she previously thought was a good relationship.

OP, your awful past has clearly made you extremely vunerable. Does he know about your own experiences of abuse? I suspect he is targeting you because of your low self esteem. You need to seek advice from the police first and foremost, then inform DH and take immediate steps to rebuild your confidence. He's a predator. Ten years on the SO register is serious - please seek advice today.

Just run.

Ohfucks that is good, a step in the right direction.

Please do not ever let slip from your mind, that this man IS grooming you, peadophiles are masters at this, they have an innate ability to do this, like a predatory animal, your daughter is his prey, as stark as that sounds.

Yes, Desmondos post is very good. I must say I'm finding OPs updates very disturbing in their detachment but appreciate she may be in shock still .

Op listen to what everyone is saying to you & start walking away now.

Oh & by the way do you realise that to be on the sex offenders register for 10 years the offender has been in prison for between 6 - 30 months.
Has he mentioned his prison sentence yet?

Wow Helsinki is that true? He's defo done time as a nonce?

Go to the police today.

Call your DH now.

Don't get caught up in how you feel about some of the strong responses on here- it is an emotive subject. Look at the strength of that emotion and use it as a guide to how quickly and strongly YOU NEED TO ACT ON THIS.

This needs to be done today to minimise the damage.

OhFucks

incourts.co.uk/

Put your partners name into that, and have a look at his high court appearances. See if he's been up more than once. I suspect he may have more than one appearance...

Well done Ohfucks. Once your DH knows, you have one more person on the side of your daughter's safety. He might also help you to go to police. You could go together. You need to know what this person has done to get on the register, and you want the police to be aware that he is/was not too far from your daughter. Let the school know also - again, your DH might find it easier to do if you're still in shock.

What worries me the most is when you say "I've had intense sociopath infatuations before". You sound as though you are unable to separate the real damage this man will wreak on your whole world from some fantasy world in your head. You also sound like someone who is attracted to the whole idea of crossing boundaries.

Neither of those is an acceptable trait in a parent when the sociopath is very, very real, and the boundary in question is the potential rape or assault of your daughter. You don't get to ask a vulnerable being like a child to pay the cost of your titillation. In front of a judge, a court of law, a panel of social workers, you are going to look like the worst kind of parent if you continue down this path.

I don't believe you are that terrible parent. I think you're going to tell your DH straight away, and break this relationship off, because underneath you are really a good mother and a good person.

Sorry - I am detached and upset and also crap at typing as on my phone. i agree with most of what's been said,