Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

In a poly relationship where children are involved both partners should screen. Your DH Is being groomed too. He does have a right to know.

You need to have a chat with him. Does he have a partner?

OP if you find yourself thinking "what do these anonymous people on the internet know?" then simply pop down to your local nick and ask them what they think you should do. Take his name and address, and don't forget to include the fact that he's started a relationship with a woman with a child, and that he's met the child but asked that her dad isn't told about him being on the SO register. See what they say.

I think you should contact the police under one of the schemes that allow you to check out partners.

They will hopefully help you to see the truth in a proffesional unemotional way.

As others have said the fact he has a ten year order does not mean a few pictures it must be a serious and sustained crime.
The fact he has specifically mentioned pushing boundaries is a massive red flag because it means if he chooses to commit more crimes he is quite likely to want to "up the anti" so to speak.

Also Im not trying to scare you but not being alone with your dd means nothing, take it from me because Iv been there and I know. He abused me somtimes in front of their eyes but no one noticed because he was clever.

his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries

As the mother of a child with autism, I can't believe you would use such a statement to justify his behaviour. It's not only ignorant and deluded, but one of the most offensive things I have ever read on MN. You are colluding with a very dangerous man and keeping this from the father of your child. That is awful enough. To use ASD as an excuse for what he is doing is appalling. I'd be as much worried about your attitude to child welfare as I would his.

Nevermind everything else not telling your DH would be a major no no. Imagine if the boot were on the other foot - DH starts a new relationship with someone who is on the sex offenders register and he didn't tell you. How would you feel??

run and keep running!

I am a Police Officer in Child Protection. Please end the relationship immediately. Your child will be removed / placed in sole care of DH if you continue this relationship. Please contact your local Police and apply for a CSOD.

www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/research-and-resources/factsheet-and-briefings/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

A 10 year S/O registration is significant and would suggest the offending was on the more severe end of the scale for simply 'possession of images'. It would even likely suggest that he had shared images with others or any other whole host of hideous things. Your boyfriend is a paedophile and will offend again and is highly likely to abuse your daughter. People have been unnecessarily harsh towards you. You knew what you had to do when you posted this message but your words smack of a vulnerability and naïvity which is alarming.

The CSOD is not necessary on a personal level if you end the relationship however will be invaluable in terms of onward protection of others. Your boyfriend will have a personal Sexual Offenders Manager and it is really important that this person is aware your boyfriend has taken up a relationship with a person with a child. It is also highly likely that by being in a relationship with you / seeing your child he has already committed a further offence by breaching the terms of his registration. Please call your local police and discuss this with them. Providing you make it clear you are putting your daughter first and ending the relationship straight away then no one is going to judge you and you will be well supported. This might be your best opportunity ever to prove yourself as an amazing mum to your daughter. Don't let her down.

Sat I knew that he was on the So, but I didn't ask anything as was too shocked. last night we met for tea so I got the full details, I then went home, went to sleep, woke up, took dd to school, came back and posted on Mumsnet.

Autism doesn't make people push boundaries. That's simply untrue. In fact in many cases, quite the opposite - an adherence to rigid rules and boundaries is far more common.

Hey OP, what if he's lying?

I don't often post but just had to on this thread. You don't seem to be accepting the fact that by allowing this man to be part of your life, you are risking the safety of your daughter. You are risking not being a part of her life when social services find out you allowed a peodophile into her life. You are risking her childhood being snatched away from her if he abuses her. Why on earth would you risk this?

Your husband absolutely deserves to know this man is a convicted peodophile and a risk to his daughter. As others have said, he has groomed you.

You have only known this man for 3 months, you need to cut him out of your life now and if he doesn't get the message you call the police. I am staggered that you need to ask an online forum what to do. I have 3 children and I would never allow a child abuser into their lives, ever.

Superb post Desmondo2016

I've ignored the comments about my relationship structure because it works for us. As long as everyone is responsible and honest it works out

By your own measure of what creates success, you are dooming your arrangement with your husband to not working out.

It is not responsible to hide your boyfriend's criminal record from your husband. Nor is it honest. Perhaps the best first step would be to tell your husband everything you know. He is your child's parent and is unemcumbered with any romantic, or sexual feelings for this man, that would get in the way of doing what is needed, right off the bat.

PLease tell me that you met with him for tea alone....

Run

Thank you Desmondo,

My kids mum found herself in a similar situation to the OP.

After about 3 months of her being in a relationship with him I got wind that something wasn't right, and applied for a disclosure under Sarah's Law.

Turns out I was right. Cut a long story short, she stood by him, CS became involved, and after she failed to adequately safeguard the children I took them off her and got a court order.

Run a mile. It really isn't worth it.

If you're really desperate to satisfy your curiosity about what I has or has not done, then phone 101 and ask for a disclosure. But I wouldn't bother, it really is not worth the hassle.

Also, I'm quite surprised that he isn't in breach of the terms of a SOPO or something. I would expect that he ought to have a MAPPA worker, who he should have disclosed that he was in a relationship with a partner who has children, and that MAPPA worker would speak to you to make sure that you know what the situation is.

Do what Desmondo says. Today.

Call your DH now, insist he comes home from work. Tell him, take him to police station with you. Tell him you are telling him this now so you can go to police station together. If he asks you why you didn't tell him on Saturday, say "shock" and that you have come to your senses and need his support to take immediate and conclusive action so that this man never darkens your lives again.

I have a four, nearly five year old. He's my baby, I will always protect him. The worse thing that's happened to him is if I have shouted or if someone at schools pushed him over.
The worst thing to happen to those poor babies and children is that they have been violently and horrifically sexually assaulted and injured over and over so people (like your boyfriend) can watch it. If you watch child sexual abuse images you are a paedophile. You are a risk to children. There is no defence of justification for watching it.
As a parent you hope that anyone in your life will have your child's best interests at heart. You know this man doesn't. He is a risk to your innocent, beautiful little baby

I have a low opinion of any sex offender i'm affraid, especially if you have children residing with you. He may seem like a nice guy but you can't afford to take the risk.

Thank you Desmondo2016.

Walter - I had tea with my boyfriend of 3 months - it's clear from my OP why I would think this was ok. I wanted to know. Wouldn't you?

I'm an existing poster, in a fucked up situation, yes of my own making.

Did you tell your DH that you were going out for tea with the convicted sex offender who you all had dinner with as a family the other day, and who has met your DD? No? Then of course you are colluding with him. You are implying support for him by not immediately dumping him and you are keeping it from your child's father.

Yes, I'm concerned about this thread too and have reported.

It's almost too awful and frightening to think of but there are women who willingly enter into relationships with abusers.

I have a friend who's on the children's panel in Scotland and they've had to deal with similar cases.

You have to ask whether you should let a registered sex offender near your child? Seriously?

Please read desmondo's post again. And again.

You are not just risking something terribly happening to your child (as if that weren't enough!!), you are risking losing custody and thus jeopardising the entire relationship with your DH. There is no scenario here where you can all go on in this dreamworld of open relationships where everyone is happy.

You sound like you are half asleep. Maybe it's the shock. But please listen when we say you absolutely need to establish some boundaries, straight away this minute - not in 10 minutes, not in an hour, but NOW.