Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Good for you OP! You are taking the right steps. You can ask your DH to help you with the steps Desmondo outlined if it all seems overwhelming.

In the meantime, don't see him again, of course!

And I suggest we stop beating up the OP as she has now gotten her answer and is doing the right thing. Too much of that might make her afraid to actually go to the police like she should for fear she'll get a similar response. A vulnerable person, in a state of shock, may make some poor decisions. The fact that she's turned around completely should be applauded and supported.

(And I'm pretty sure she didn't let him near her DD after she knew? That was before)

Why do you need to tell DH unless you're going to stay with this dangerous man?

I've got a 9 year old and it makes me feel sick that you're putting yourself first.

He's grooming you to get to your daughter, not one person on this thread had given you the answer you clearly want.

I can't read anymore, you've given me the rage that you even needed to ask !

She should tell her DH so that he knows the background of this person - who is now on his radar as a 'friend' and that if the person every comes by again her DH needs to be on guard.

Good move. If he hasn't called you back in a couple of minutes, start blowing up his phone with texts, calls, emails, phone his workplace, his mum, anyone who might be able to get through to him.

You are obviously vulnerable due to your past experiences, this has influenced how you have handled this the last day or so. But you did the right thing asking for help and this situation can be taken to a much, much better place for your family, as long as you act quickly and decisively now.

Follow the advice of people on here and you will also start to build new patterns of thought/behaviour for yourself that will help you heal from your past experiences and make you less vulnerable. Won't be a magic wand, but this will help you learn how to react to fucked up things.

If I was you, I would write down Desmondo's post and take it to the police station with you.

OP, I work with sex offenders. It is good he has told you, but he has minimised it massively.

I have also seen such images in the context of my work. I cannot 'unsee them'. The descriptions alone are enough to make you feel physically sick.

Get out.

And report to police to check he is not in breach of an order placed upon him - sexual harm prevention order etc.

If nothing else, how can you be in a sexual relationship with someone who gets off on watching children (perhaps babies?) being sexually abused.

To be fair telling her DH means that he knows that the man needs to be no where near her daughter even when she isn't around.

Want to tell DH Because it's important he knows. we should never see him again. And I need his help to cut contact, and to watch me.

Thank you for understanding murmuration

YY to Mumu, both recent posts.

DH will help safeguard the DD and also give the OP support to report man- this could be very overwhelming.

And yes, she was vulnerable, in shock, making poor decisions- but able to see the decisions were poor so came here for help making a better one. Please support her in turning that better decision into concrete action.

Why do you need to be watched?

oh fucks

Desmondo has said everything I wanted to say but better than me. she/he said it in a non judgmental way but from a place of experience.

In fact by telling you to go to the police Desmondo's was the type of advice I was hoping you'd get. (Although the police will have pertinent info about this particular case I think you need to hear)

Please listen.

by the way, I think your quite brave to take this step of coming for advice the next step is telling dh, you must not allow the secrets. The only way to protect dd is to not allow this hidden information to stay hidden.

Because I'm naieve and apparently pick terrible partners. I don't feel I can trust my judgement.

Want to tell DH Because it's important he knows. we should never see him again. And I need his help to cut contact, and to watch me.

Of course it's important he knows!!

No he doesn't need to watch you. It is your responsibility and you need to understand that.

You need to do this.

That is a good insight into yourself Oh

You say he didn't know you had a daughter when he met you. But he did know you had a daughter very soon after he met you and chose to develop the relationship. I bet if you had been childless it would have been 'this isn't working out' and he would have moved on to find someone else to groom.

This is obviously really hard for you - you liked him and he is not what you thought. That is a loss. But you know what you need to do.

ohfucks - it is not your fault he is an arsehole. You are not responsible for his past behaviour or his present character. And bad people generally don't walk around the world with big flashing signs that say "I AM EVIL!"

The important thing is that you're doing the right thing now you do know.

A Groomer IS NEVER A MONSTER. They portray interest, kindness, fun & excitement. When the Groomer has groomed he then becomes the monster. Please understand the reasons why professional's with years and years of child abuse training, continue with the paramount importance of having a register for sex offenders. It is the law, it has it's purpose. He very well may be remorseful, but having ADHD/autism doesn't excuse illegal/unlawful/images of abused children.
Please just take a minute ( maybe a few more) and think why you might have a relationship. Vulnerability can be easily spotted. I watched the documentary by Louis Theroux re J Saville. It highlighted how easily innocent people can be 'duped' 'tricked'. If you could possibly find it on catch up tv, or google, this may give you a further insight, help understand a little bit more about what you may be involved in.

He may only have disclosed to you, in the event somebody else may have disclosed, he might be legally obliged to inform you, if he sees a relationship building, rather than trust.

Nothing you have done, befriending someone, being kind, spending time with someone becomes your fault. You are not to blame.

You must consider your relationship and how this would affect your family life. Unfortunately I'm sure the Local Authority police and other family services may show concern with regards to your child/ren.

You can move on without any guilt or responsibility. Good luck with this

The betrayal must be really hurtful.

I think you're too vulnerable to start another relationship. For now, it's time to put dd first and work out your relationship with dh.

You are doing what must be done by informing your dh and the police. Your dd is very precious.

Of course he's being kind to you. You have a young daughter.

I believe the OP is genuine. Unfortunately it's not uncommon.

I know of a guy on the SOR who did time for downloading images of child sexual abuse.

Someone told his girlfriend (who had kids herself) and initially she dumped him and told the police but she ended up back with him and consequently lost her kids in favour of staying with him.

They've since had a baby. No idea how that works - I'd have thought it would have been taken away??

Anyway this blokes FB page is all happy family pics of the baby, and the youngest son who he still sees. The oldest wants nothing to do with him and he often gets comments like "Don't worry mate, John will come round one day and realise what a great dad you are" 🙄🙄

I wouldn't take any relief from knowing that he was after you, not dd. You may have initiated the relationship with him. However, it is likely that you divulged you have a Little girl on the first date. Had you been childless, he may have chosen not to meet with you again.

Ohfucks I am glad you're running for the hills. He's dangerous.

My stepdad was convicted of downloading and making 25 thousand images. He got a 1.5 year suspended prison sentence and was put on the sexual offenders register for 2 years. From my perspective, it doesn't add up that your boyfriend has been put on the register for much longer for much less. If 25 thousand images gets you on the list for 2 years, what the heck did he do to be put on the list for 10 years? He's lying.

Look for newspaper articles on him, plus use that link that HelsinkiLights provided. I think they'll be enlightening.

My mum is still best friends with my stepdad, even after his conviction and her getting grandchildren. She picks his friendship over the safety of her grandchildren because she trusts him. It's ruined our mother/daughter relationship. I beg you, see this through and run away from him as fast as you can. Your daughter needs to be able to trust that you will always put her safety first.

OP, you sound so vulnerable. Do you mind if I ask you about your open relationship with your DH? How did you end up in that position? Are you still having sex? And was it his idea to start sleeping with other people or yours?

It just sounds, from your posts, that you let people control you. From your intense obsessive relationships with sociapaths and your needing to be "watched" by your DH.

Do you have a sympathetic GP that you can talk to? They might be able to refer you to appropriate counselling.

Well done on contacting your husband and moving to cut this person off.

It must be hard - it's cognitive dissonance when someone is kind but tells you they have done something terrible. But you know what you need to do.

And then perhaps some counselling would be good for you.

Not all nice men are hiding monsters, but all monsters present themselves as nice men.

Do the right thing, look after your family.

I am glad you have listened to other people and its only been 3 months, so better getting out now, you would never ever ever be able to trust him around your daughter ever for that reason along it would never work. I also reckon you only got half the truth.