Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Good was in response to Running. Thank you

Where are your protective instincts to your daughter? They should override any feelings for this man. It shouldn't even be a question in your mind and it is very concerning that rather than your concerns for your child immediately kicking in you instead have had the mindset to make a list of reasons to stay with him.

We all hear horror stories in the media about these awful mothers who put their love life first and ignore or collude in the abuse of their children. Do you want to be one of them? Is that what you had in mind when you first held your newborn baby in your arms?

Would you like someone watching your daughter getting raped because it pushea boundaries

Would you as hell as like?
Get shut now and dont look back

Good, OP. Please start running! And please go to therapy.

And really, I meant no offence about the link with autism - but it's a trait of his And was explained to me as such.

I knew what I needed to do, my OP said. Which is why I think some comments calling me a troll, disgusting etc. are unfair.

You have an entire section in your OP on things which reassure you with seven bullet points. You are clearly conflicted on the issue of how dangerous he is to your DD. This is the entire thrust of your thread.

You are making apologies and excuses for him all over the place and I'm reading it as if you trying to tip the balance of risk in favour of giving this relationship a go.

You know that that entire process is madness, right?

Do not be reassured that you weren't targetted, i.e. he didn't know you had a DD

Of course he did.

As pp's have said, a chance remark and there is no doubt he knew and you were targetted. You are deluded if you think otherwise

He only viewed graphic child abuse images to "push boundaries"??? Are you completely thick?

That's good to hear. And please talk to your GP about getting some counselling to help you to not get sucked in again - to any kind of abuse.

You 'feel absent'?
Wait until he tells your five year old daughter 'This is our little secret, don't tell mummy or daddy'

Reading this thread makes me shudder.

Obviously you never see him again.

If you continue to see him, I hope social services get involved. Which they would, by the way.

paying to watch children being raped and abused isn't "pushing boundaries" it's being a paedophile.

'He charmed you (or groomed you) and now he drops the bomb, knowing you'll have trouble ditching him.'

I agree Lweji

He's waited this long because it's long enough that you've become attached.

If I was your DH and I found out I would keep my DD a million miles from this man.

If you don't tell your DH and continue this relationship and further down the road he finds out, I can only imagine what his reaction would be.

For good measure, I would also tell your DH, in case this "man" try's to insulate himself when you are at a weak point.

And also go to the police, ask to see details of what he has done, so that if he tries to insinuate himself you know fully what he is capable of.

And whilst you are at the police station, make them aware of the fact he pursued a relationship with a woman with a child. Make sure his probation officer/social services know too.

And yes, you should report him to the police for being in a relationship with a woman with a child and asking you to keep his SO secret.

So within three months this man has ascertained that you are on the spectrum and, bingo, so is he. You are in an open relationship, perhaps vulnerable, have a daughter and has managed to have dinner with you and your husband. You sound vulnerable. Please ring women's aid and ask for advice. Do not have any more contact with this man.

10 years on the sex offenders register is more than accessing images to "push boundaries".

Insinuate himself, not insulate himself. Although immolate might be appropriate.

Hang on, just read that you have met up with him since his revelation. You are already colluding with him then. Tell your DH immediately so that the responsibility to protect your DD is taken out of your hands.

Look, it's not a big deal to ditch him. You're not Romeo and Juliet. You haven't known him long (and it seems you never really knew the real him at all). Honesty, this is easy.

You've been given great advice here, and you need to act on it.

He's being manipulative by being kind to you first and then wanting you to accept the huge risk. This is exactly what abusive people are like. The right thing for him to do would have been to come clear when he's found out that you have a daughter, and then to cut all contact. He shouldn't put you at risk.

You must tell your DH immediately, he will not forgive you if you don't. It is also in the best interests of your DD that your DH knows. It really is a must, and the least you can do. I would also inform the school. If you act on this quickly, you'll be fine, because you acted on the new information straight away, and that's the best you can do. If you sit on it, you become part of the problem.

Not only do you need to run a mile, but you must tell your husband. Even if you are ending the relationship. This is not a secret that can be kept from a parent.

If these responses aren't enough, your DH's reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Hopefully.

Christ, your poor child.