Boyfriend has a SO criminal record - WWYD? **trigger warning - child abuse. Warning added by MNHQ**

[Ohfucks]

I've been seeing a lovely guy for 3 months. It's fairly casual but we've both been having a shitty time with work & life so it's been brilliant to have a distraction and support. I've had intense sociopath infatuations before so I've really valued having a relationship that's just pleasant and easy - I care very deeply for him but just thought I had my head screwed on this time. He has autism and ADHD and I am also on the spectrum so we gel quite well.

I live with DD5 and DH - we are somewhere between separated and an open relationship but try to maintain normal family life. DH has met bf and we've been out to dinner and to the park with dd, very casual and introduced as a friend only.

On Saturday he told me that he's on the sex offenders register for 10 years, for viewing images of child abuse. He told me lots of details about his restrictions and probation and as far as I can tell is being honest. My head is spinning. I didn't say much and just listened, but we met up yesterday so I could ask questions. The whole thing makes me absolutely sick and I'm coping by trying to be an outside eye on the situation.

He says it was not for gratification, but to push boundaries - which would fit his character.

Obviously I know that as I have a dd, and am a victim of childhood SA myself I should be running a mile, but I don't feel he's a risk - is that deluded?

Things that I feel reassure me

• he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention
• over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
• he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)
• no sexual pleasure

-he was young & stupid (22yrs)

• his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries
• his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

-he has and would never be alone with dd

• I'm not sure he fully understood what he was doing, ie. Supporting child abusers.

Things that concern me

• I only have his word

-he won't let me tell DH - out of shame I think, but I think DH should know.

• the risk of involving an SO in my family life
• I have had an abusive childhood, abusive adult relationships and am prone to being taken in.

On paper I know it sounds so simple - obviously I should leave because if there's any hint of risk to dd I should be stopping it right now, I'm just so sad because he's been so kind to me and I really enjoyed his company.

Don't go there OP. I have represented quite a lot of men who do this in the past and your bf fits the exact type.

Things that I feel reassure me
- he is completely remorseful, tried to kill himself and has had a lot of psychiatric intervention

That wouldn't reassure me. A lot of them make (feeble) attempts not because they are remorseful but because they can't cope with the thought of it being known.

- over the relationship he's refused to stay at my house, or come round for dinner which really upset me. I now know he did this to avoid having the police visit me. (He is allowed to visit houses with U18's- just not stay over), so I know he takes his restrictions seriously.
- he no longer has his own internet/computer (his choice)

Unlikely to be his choice - a standard SOPO (Sex Offence Prevention Order) would stop him having access to the internet without giving the police access to it.

- no sexual pleasure
-he was young & stupid (22yrs)
- his autism makes him seek challenges and push boundaries

Bullshit, bullshit and a third helping of bullshit. Of course he got sexual pleasure from it. Every. Single. Man I encountered - and they were all men - claimed they were just pushing boundaries and got no sexual pleasure from it and it was absolute horseshit. Why would you look at images like that if you're not deriving pleasure from it? I'm on the spectrum too - being on the spectrum means he is less likely to abide by laws he dislikes, not that he is likely to look at images of child abuse for curiosity. He dislikes the law because it stops him getting his rocks off to children.

- his restrictions are pretty loose, he attends a course alongside 16yr olds and they are fine with that.

Which would make me think that his 'type' was not 16 year olds

Here's some of my concerns:
Women with ASD like us tend to be a bit gullible because we do not dissemble and do not expect it of others. I've ended up being taken advantage of in the past and from what you say you have too.
Men who look at images of child abuse, whether ASD or not, are manipulative (telling you not to tell your DH is a good example).
This is not a good combination.

Run a mile.

PS the posters throwing insults at you are well out of order. There are SOOOOO many women who would do the whole "stand by my man, he's a reformed character" thing and you've done exactly the right thing by working out what to do next.

Be careful not to minimise your BFs behaviour with DH.

You might want to tell DH all the reasons why it is OK and why he shouldn't be too upset. That's just going to make him more upset.

Keep to the briefest of facts and ask him to go to the police station with you today. That's the only thing that could reassure him.

It would be handy if you showed DH and the police the text you sent to BF ending it.

I suggest "After what you told me, I won't continue this relationship. Do not contact me again." Send it now. Is there any reason not to? Is there any reason to make it "nicer"? Not good reasons. Send it.

Adrian Powells book on paedophilia and grooming us on Google.books. Here's a couple of screen shots. Non triggering but highly pertinent:

OP, I'm really glad that you've listened to the unanimous response on this thread and I agree with the posters who say that you should tell your DH and inform the police. If this person IS trying to recover he will have informed his worker about his relationship with you and nothing bad will happen as a result. If his intentions were bad and he hasn't you may protect another woman or child.

You've made the right choice OP.

Also correct to tell DH so he doesn't socialise with him anymore.

Just came back on here and so glad to see you are listening OP - also to say Desmondo2016's post was brilliant and all that needed to be said. Please stay strong and see it through for the sake of your daughter and yourself.

OP, I'm not really going to be able to let go of this until you confirm that you have blocked all communication with this man and been to the police with your husband to report him for violating his conditions.

Desmondo or other experienced professionals, any advice for what the OP should tell her daughter about her "friend"? I'm worried she may be vulnerable to a direct approach from mummy's "friend"?

They all say they didn't get a sexual kick out of it, don't they? That they instead got a kick from doing something illegal/"pushing boundaries". It's like page one of the "I've been arrested for downloading child abuse images" handbook.

Sociopaths are kind and lovely when you meet them. It's learnt behaviour, because they realise behaving in certain ways will get them what they want. It doesn't come from a genuine place. Their regard of human beings can be likened to a scientist studying their subjects.

He may well have tried to kill himself, But I'll bet it wasn't out of remorse; sex offenders are given a very hard time in prison.

I was glad to read that you will be cutting contact, and Desmondo's advice was spot on. Please do take it on board.

This is why this country needs educating on these matters, in a clear transparent and open way. As here is another op, considering this as a viable life option, for her & her kids.

I know society and communities don't want to hear or talk about this subject, but it needs to be done.

I think your children should be removed bt ss, until a decision is reached whether you are capable of taking care of them & ensure your choices are right for your family and not just for yourself.

They all say they didn't get a sexual kick out of it, don't they? That they instead got a kick from doing something illegal/"pushing boundaries". It's like page one of the "I've been arrested for downloading child abuse images" handbook.

p2 - "It was a one-off"

p3 - "I was depressed at the time"

p4 - "My wife doesn't listen to me"

p5 - "This is an awful situation to happen to poor little me and I am the victim"

p105 - "It was research for a novel I was writing about sex offenders"

The Sequel: "it was in the past and I've put it behind me"

I hope you have told your husband now. You are really not in a fucked up position, you have found out, you are telling your dh, you've come here for support.

The only other thing you need to do is cut contact with him, and consider telling someone in authority about him. Ultimately you have no idea if he really didn't know you had a child, he's done very well at finding someone so vulnerable to latch onto, think about the odds of that happening. It could very believably have been planned by him.

Thank God you came on here to ask this question if you lack judgement. Your DD will be spared his possible intentions. Please see this through.

Why are you even asking? you need to protect your daughter and stay away from him

Have spoken to DH in his lunch break who was calm but assertive, as there's no immediate risk we are going to speak more tonight and decide what to do about any intervention then.

Dd is 5, and either at school or with one of us so it would be very difficult for anyone to gain access to her without our knowing.

Intervention? surely you just cut contact, end of. Presumably he hadn't met your dd, if he had and it broke his conditions you should report to police.

decide what to do about any intervention then

What does this even mean?
Have you ended your relationship with the paedophile yet? When are you going to the police?

I'm even more concerned now that your DH was 'calm' at being told this news.

In order to protect other children you really should report this.

What do you mean by intervention? This is one of those scenarios where it is black and white. You cut all contact because the risk to your child is significant.

I was talking about if we should go to police together/contact authorities. He didn't have a lot of time. He could tell I was freaking out, and I don't think him being calm is a bad thing?

No, I won't be seeing him again.

You don't need to go down to the station, you'd probably be better off phoning 101 to report it. They'll give you a call back and/or send someone round if need be.

That's really hard to take on board I imagine, but what I don't think is being understood is he knows how to target certain people to get his way (sorry).
He knows the your relationship set up you're in is easy to get away with his behaviour. From his first conversation with you he figured out how he would get around you and yes he is grooming.
So yip that's hard to take on board and it's hard to think that this person you like is the same person everyone says to you stay away from and "run" from.
The truth is they all know and, although you may have feelings for him, I suggest you listen to the voices of truth around you and run. Your daughter and you both immediately need to stay away from him.

Phone 101 now love, you don't need to wait for your DH, let them take it from there.

You can't believe a word this man says, if he's on the register for 10 years, the chances are he's not allowed to be in relationships with women with children.

Just phone them.

ADHD increases risk of criminal offending due to impulsivity and poor executive functioning.

That makes sense if someone walks by a car with the keys in the ignition and impulsively gets in and drives away because their brain lacks the ability to think...what will happen if I do this? What are the likely consequences? in the split second they've got into the car and driven away.

Images of child abuse need searching for..it takes time to find them and time to view them and download. Time and organisation (usually a deficit in people with ADHD) to find other offenders on-line to share things with.

I've known lots of sex offenders and agree with the previous posts saying oh I was impulsive, pushing boundaries, was depressed etc are the first excuses. As is the old 'I didn't enjoy it'.

They do enjoy it. People generally don't do things in their leisure time that they don't enjoy. That IS particularly true of people with ADHD who find it much, much harder to engage in tasks that they don't enjoy or have interest in.

Just to clarify, when I said 'going' to the police I was being rather colloquial. I didn't mean physically going in person, necessarily.
I should have said 'when are you going to contact the police'.