"But we took you to Stately Homes" - survivors of dysfunctional and toxic families

[pocketsaviour]

It's October 2016, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014
April 2014
July 2014
Oct 14 – Dec 14
Dec 14 – March 15
March 2015 - Nov 2015
Nov 2015 - Feb 2016
Feb 2016 - Oct 2016

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see original thread here (December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.

I started with this book and found it really useful.

Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support."

Ncp you feel guilty and ashamed and you doubt your memory precisely because you were abused. Your parents have been minimising and gaslighting you about this forever, but also most kids when abused will readily accept any suggestion that they are to blame because it's way less scary than thinking your primary carers are unstable and dangerous. Your memory is also probably patchy because you have learned to dissociate when the abuse occurs. I'm the same - massive chunks missing. Also from times in later life - there's a massive chunk of 2010 (following two big bereavements) which is totally gone.

I wish I could be on here more often but DH and O have come down with DD2's lurgy from last week so I spend most of my free time right now sitting very still and not doing anything. I'm just in bed here waiting for my inhaler and painkillers to kick in. We've already been through chickenpox, hand foot and mouth, scarlet fever... can there be any childhood illnesses left to have?

Toomuch, hope you can get a rest tonight, you sound really poorly, take care.

Hi, I just wanted to make it clear that I didn't give in and sleep with DF. He would make awful remarks, I went to the pub on a date with someone who I had met and telephoned from where we lived. He stored the number and called me back, df went beserk, threatened to smash his face in for ringing up and coming to the house. After I'd been out with my friend and I came in at about 10pm, df asked how I thought that made him feel! He was overcome with jealousy, he had slept in the chair waiting for me to come back. I said I hadn't meant to upset him. He started ranting at me and then said that you could tell what these dirty old bitches wanted, you could smell it on them. I was so degraded.

Another time, he was getting ready to go to bed and he asked me for a hug. I always gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before bed, but this was different. He held me really close and was lingering. It still makes me feel a bit sick :(. This had happened before. I'd tried refusing but it wasn't worth the backlash which could last for days at a time.

Of my own volition, when my aunt visited, which was most nights, I would sit at tge foot of his chair to please him. I was constantly popped up on strong painkillers and antidepressants and they were new to me so I just sat there smiling. Unfortunately, all this made it seem plausible enough that I'd been perfectly happy there and that I was either wicked in what I'd said, utterly deluded and unstable or a fantasist.

When I had no choice but to return there briefly ( he practically kidnapped my children with my ex's help) I had become pregnant to my former partner who was also abusive. He was shoving me and screaming at me, so as a pregnant woman with 2 small children I had to keep my mouth shut to keep us together.
Ex contacted DF and said that I had done the same thing to my ex as my DF ie run off and left him. DF told me this constantly and said that my reunion with my ex was like to dogs in a field. I was heartbroken. DF rarely spoke to me and within a month I'd found a small house for the dcs and I. Then things declined further as he painted me as a cruel and ungrateful daughter, which would have been bad enough but I was still dependent on him for help.

I gave him money put of my DLA to pay my way, bug to others he was being so self sacrificing and forgiving. How my son was delivered safely I don't know. It was hell, but I did it. My eldest 3 are doing fine thank God. Teenagers are hard work but good fun!

This post might help to explain why I've struggled to acknowledge what happened as sexual abuse. He spoke to me degradingly, kept asking for long lingering hugs and even suggested that we move the sofa so we could lie down together at night and watch tv ( before I'd gone away and become pregnant). He stalked me when I left, I had managed to convince my bank manager that I was who I said I was, my father had saved up all my child benefit for 18 months and wouldn't give me the card.
I rang a HA in my hometown and managed to get a house. I packed urgent things for myself and the children and removed anything from my room which might have given him a clue as to our whereabouts. I left a note at 7.30am and got a taxi to tge train station, I was utterly terrified that my father or brother who was staying there would catch me but I escaped. My DF stalked me afterwards and came to my house when he'd found me, looking lovelorn in his best suit. It was terrible, he got the rest of the family to pursue and harass me too. In one day I had to furnish an entire house out of the money I'd saved, thank God there was an amazing thrift shop there.

It was an utterly nightmarish period. I need to make it clear that I didn't not have sex with him, despite pressure and cajoling and outright abuse at times. So, despite the lack of actual intercourse, with the behaviour, the touching and the massive power imbalance does this still constitute abuse?

When I was first there he said we could have a bit of fun together and he would buy a house and put it in my name. At first I thought it must have been my imagination and what he really meant was that we would have a drink together and go out for drives etc, I quickly realised my initial instincts were correct, I just refused to believe it. At that point in my life I was treated as the family joke, unstable, children out of wedlock, couldn't hold a marriage together so there wasn't another soul to help me. My aunt lived up the street, she and her husband hated me. They kept saying they could see the badness in me (jokingly of course!) and that they were staying away as there was no knowing what was going on in the house, not helped by df keeping the door locked, he said we could have been doing anything! My blood ran cold. Anyway, I digress. Was it still abuse?

Thanks so much for reading this. I've been up for over an hour now, I feel like I'm blackening my Dad's reputation, both here on a virtual level and with the police on an actual level. I would be very grateful for any further responses. I feel better than yesterday, but I still need some help. I don't mean to try to take over the thread.

Still abuse, yes. Grooming, assault, coercive control...
He seems to have seen you as his property, and resented you showing any independence.

Yes, it's abuse. One of the worst consequences of abuse is that the victim almost always believes it's her fault and feels immense shame. This is both because the abuser has groomed her to believe that, and because it's quite an effective psychological defence mechanism: it protects her from the intolerable fear that she is living with and depending on someone who does such terrible things to her, and from the sadness that such things happened to her.

"But we didn't have full sex!" is, by the way, a common way for sexual abusers to defend themselves. It doesn't matter. What matters is that he crossed sexual boundaries that should never be crossed between family members.

Do take care of yourself. You're so infinitely better a person than those who've abused you, and they deserve to be held accountable for their actions.

Klassy thanks! That first comment made me laugh. The sad thing is that I've literally only just realised today that she's been making these horrible predictions about my future for 30 years and I've just totally believed them and been on edge waiting for them to happen. I don't blame you for putting off ttc and sorry to hear you've not had sucesss ttc . Ive been excepting it to be hell when I have them and I have almost dropped into a depression thinking I will have no friends, a screaming uncooperative baby, other family difficulties etc. and that it will be awful and I won't be able to cope at all and basically it will be my worst nightmare. It's a massive relief to me today to realise that this is just an idea she has put in my head and not necessarily really going to happen at all. I'm a bit gutted that I've lived my whole life feeling like I'm on the edge of Armageddon when there was really nothing wrong.

meadowHay god I don't know how you put up with it from 2 people. 1 is bad enough. It's nice to know it's not just me having to deal with this. Thanks!

Thanks pklme and justa. You are both right, he was horrified when I said things like I wanted to study for a degree. I think he felt threatened and frightened that he would lose control.
Justa, you're right, it is an effective mechanism. For 14 years I've been feeling ashamed and attributing at least some measure of blame to myself because it saved me from having to fully process what he did to me and what that meant about him, what he was capable of and how he saw me. Perhaps my mother slapping me was a warning.
I was up at 4am so I'm going to rest soon, but I feel more relaxed mentally than I have for a long time. There's still quite a way to go but to hear from peers that it wasn't my fault is a huge step. I'm more grateful than anyone knows

Pebble, god yes, I know what you mean about the predications. My mum told me I'd be shit, that she'd "leave the country" as it would be a nightmare, that "I'd see", that children didn't like me, that I'd screamed constantly as a baby and mine would too, and so on and so forth.

When I look back, I think - how fucking dare she (and your mum too)? What the hell? Would you ever consider doing that to anyone, let alone your precious child who you supposedly loved? I'd never criticise anyone like that ever. And I'd never hold a grown child resentfully to account for doing something as natural and unconscious as "screaming as a baby". I also wonder why I screamed so much too.

It's part of the reason I joined Mumsnet - to learn what normal was, what to expect. I don't doubt that screaming children are wearying and I read every day of the soul-crushing tiredness about parenting, about PND etc. I don't claim that prepares me for feeling those things, but it leaves me knowing these are normal tribulations which I could face like any other mum. I know a child won't exist to love me, but the other way around.

I didn't even want kids (or didn't let myself know I wanted them) until I was 30, when I realised that I'd already proven her wrong. My husband and I had loved and "parented" each other for so long now - I could be good for someone else, I could love a child. I could break the cycle. I didn't have to repeat her mistakes. I bet without a doubt that you can/will too - the very fact you've suffered her and worry about being her says you won't.

Sadly we've had lots of miscarriages but that's really really rare and not caused by someone telling me years ago I'd be shit!

(Epic long post, sorry!)

Pebble, I haven't read all your posts but I wanted to reassure you. My mother made me feel similarly. I decided to parent with the attitude of each child having their own strengths and potential. I had PND a couple of times and couldn't bond with 3 of mine. I forced myself to find something about them that I really liked and used that to get closer to them, we're fine now. I always tried to recognise that something had gone wrong in the bonding process, it wasn't the child or me who was at fault. My point is that love and goodwill go a very long way, perhaps your mother is using her disatisfaction at the relationships and her experiences to bury tge fact that she feels cheated out of enjoying her children and so she's using this as the norm. In this way, if you are happy with your children, she can remark how unusual your experience is and tell you that you are fortunate, rather than your parenting skills being better. It's a clever trick but very underhand. If you cried a lot as a baby your needs weren't being met. I had one that seemed to cry endlessly, it turns out she has food allergies or potential coeliac disease. It isn't necessarily the parent's fault either, perhaps your mother feels guilty that she struggled throughout your babyhood and her feelings of inadequacy are causing her to blame the children rather than the relationships :(. It's sad that she couldn't have had counselling or therapy of some sort, but at least you're aware of a massive potential pitfall of parenting. Don't let her damage you, it's her sense of inadequacy which is causing her behaviour. Take good care.

Sorry to keep posting but I've got nowhere else to turn. The police have just been in touch, they've said they'll need to do another video interview, which I just can't do. My DF will be arrested and devastated. He worked solidly on my house for 6 months and he's nearly 80. The policewoman was really matter of fact about it and it's upset me. I know it's her job to collect evidence but I was hoping for a warmer response really. I'm missing my mother terribly. She didn't really like me, but she's the only one I had.
I can't risk doing that to my Dad, his wife has Alzheimer's and she's in a home, he visits her every other day. To make matters worse she's my mother's sister. I desperately need a parent at this point and the grief at having now lost my Dad as well is overwhelming. I've had to cut off a parent, which right now is what I need.
DH is kind but he doesn't talk much, I really do need a parent right now. I desperately need love and nurturing and on that level it can never come again. It's as though he's died and somehow I'm responsible :(

pulya, I'm out and about right now and quickly checking in so I have no real time to write, but I'm sorry to hear you're upset right now. Please keep holding strong, you've done nothing wrong. You deserve better and I'm sorry everything's shit right now.

Plus you're codependent, you're used to taking responsibility for your father's feelings. Quite frankly if he doesn't like having bother with the police in his 80s he shouldn't have bullied, harassed you and pestered you for sex in his earlier years. You reap what you sow.

Could you get onto victim support? They might be a bit more helpful than the police in getting you through this. You've got great courage in doing this, it must be bloody hard.

pulya . You have so much on your plate. Go easy on yourself - one tiny step at a time.

You sounded so much brighter this morning - it's such bad timing the police got in touch today. You can manage this though, but please, please get some real life support.

NONE of this is your fault or responsibility. If your father and/or brother are prosecuted it's entirely due to their actions, their appalling treatment of you. With the responses you've had here I hope you really can believe now that you were abused - absolutely. And you never did anything to deserve it.

That said though, it must be so daunting to be dealing with the police and a potential prosecution. Was the officer who contacted you today your family liaison officer? My husband works a lot with the police (he's an interpreter), and he's dealt with many, many domestic violence and abuse cases. He says the police take them very seriously indeed. I say that because it can mean the police could decide to prosecute your brother/father even if you and your sister withdraw your statements. Can you talk to your family liaison officer about this? DH says they're there for YOU, to reassure you and handhold you through the whole process. Can you talk to her again about your options? About the whole process? And if she's not helpful could your husband talk to someone in charge of your case to make sure you get better support from someone else? It might make you feel more in control of what's happening, and see that you really DO matter.

As well as taking the abuse seriously, DH says the police will do all they can to protect a victim - and often need very precise video interviews so you will never need to appear in court in person. But you absolutely need someone to back you up and explain what's happening here.

You're doing brilliantly - it might not seem so right now, but you'll get there with the right help and support. Little steps.

Pulya, hang in there!

Quite frankly if he doesn't like having bother with the police in his 80s he shouldn't have bullied, harassed you and pestered you for sex in his earlier years. You reap what you sow.

The work he did on your house is a very small repayment for the years of abuse and psychological damage he did to you, and also failed to protect you from. Supposing the value of the work he did was £10,000. That wouldn't come close to being a sufficient compensation for what he did. Would £20,000? £100,000? Would you accept that money in return for allowing your family access to abuse your children as you were abused? No? Then you owe him nothing. NOTHING!

Your aunt also failed to protect you. When your mother slapped your face she should have slapped his. You owe them NOTHING!

You telling your truth is not the problem, it is their behaviours in the past.
You telling your truth would not affect them at all, if they had not done those things.
There are people who are paid to look after him and her, it is not your problem now.

Please, Pulya, look after yourself, stay strong. It will feel better when it is over.

Thanks for the replies everyone, it's so helpful. The police officer got in touch again and said that she already knew because it was in my medical notes, counselling, psychotherapy etc, so the die was cast when I gave her access to my medical records. The relief of this was unbelievable, she already knew without me telling her and so I wasn't to blame for disclosing to the police. I had no option because it was the truth.
She said she's already spoken to CPS about the disclosures in my notes and so they know too. She's asked them if they want her to approach me for details which I've already done.
I am sorry I couldn't reply sooner, I wore myself out crying. For 14 years I've lived with it, trying to get through each day believing I wasn't to blame. Now that I'm describing it as abuse, it is obvious that I'm not to blame on a rational level, but I'm still adjusting to that. If I'm not to blame then he was, which means to me that the father daughter relationship is an utter sham. When I was shopping with him earlier this year, he looked really embarrassed when I said he was my father, I'm beginning to understand now, but the enormity of that is overwhelming.
Pklme, she should definitely have slapped him, I suppose she didn't dare. Also one of my brothers was there and I'm sure he encouraged her, as well as my younger sister, who bullied and insulted me along with everyone else. The 3 of them gave me the same look :(. I felt so cheap and dirty, she shouted at me that I was trying to take over her role, it was horrific.
There's so little time to care for me. I stink of cigarettes and I need a shower before dh gets back. There's dinner to make and so much to do. It's a blessing really but I would rather just be alone to think and process it all. I've spent 14 years eating and spending to deal with it, today I cried about what my Dad did since the first day that he did it. I was heartbroken, but it was a relief, those were sad and angry tears, not those borne of guilt. It's just difficult to accept, yet far less traumatic than shouldering the blame. I will go and do my jobs and come back later.
Thanks so much klassy, justa, greenleaf and pklme for going through this with me, I've been so afraid. Love and light to you all.

Well done Pulya.
It's incredibly tough because the child in us still cannot accept that our parent is unsafe. It is dangerous to our well being to accept that, so we dress it up in different terms so we can believe we have a safe, loving parent. After all, if even our parents can't love us, how awful must we be?

Truth is you got a shitty deal. You are unique, precious and worthy of all good things to come to you. You had the misfortune of an abusive family who did not love and care for you- not because of you, but because of them. Nothing about you would have changed this. It is all about them.

Have another lovely shower, get used to looking after yourself, and rest assured that other people are taking this forward now, it is out of your hands.

Greenleaf, she's from the PPU, she's been great really. I was given an IDVSA but there wasn't a lot she could advise me on as I'd originally disclosed the abuse from my brothers at 14. I do, however, need her for this. I will email her tomorrow. I have rested again and I've woken up with my head feeling really light. Usually I wake and my brain goes straight to worry mode. It's trying to go back to it but there's no reason. Tomorrow might be a difficult day again, but right now I feel better than I have for over 14 years. My brain actually feels different now. Greenleaf, thank you so much for your wonderful support.

Also, very many thanks to Klassy, Pklme, Toold and Justap. Thanks awfully ,m

Sorry I couldn't thank everyone sooner, I fell asleep

Wow! I wept bitterly at lunchtime, but my headache hasn't come back, it was of a particular type, like pressure at the top of my brain since 2002 and it's gone! I can't believe it. I have been forced to realise that it's not my fault. That's amazing. Thank you. I will try to get back to sleep now :D

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, pulya, even though it's so hard right now.

Yes, it's very hard to accept our parents were at fault. Mine did far less bad things to me than your father did to you and I still struggle with thinking it must be my fault. But it isn't.

Take care of yourself as best you can. Is there a way you can ask DH or someone else to have the children fur a few hours so you can rest and/or process? This stuff is exhausting to go through and you need to look after yourself xx

Thanks justa. Parents may struggle and there might be instances where things happen that aren't their fault, but that doesn't mean it's ours either. At times, we do have to accept that they're to blame. I'm so sorry for what you're goubg through too, I hope being on here helps you.

I'm really tired today, DH is off work but out all day and the children are at school, but the house is a tip. I think I'll do the bare minimum and go and rest, I feel totally worn out. I suffer with chronic pain and my head, neck, jaw and ears are terribly painful today after crying yesterday. DH is doing family errands and I feel guilty resting :(. I just don't seem able to do things quickly at the moment. Maybe that's normal, but DH is an actor and relies on me for childcare and housework etc. I feel like my brain's grinding to a halt!
Remember, you're not to blame either, take care.

Thanks pulya. I've been having it a bit tough lately and have just started back on antidepressants, which are making me feel a bit sick. I know I need to get through a couple of weeks of this then they start working.

What's made this episode better than the last ones is that I've really been looking after myself because I'm feeling rough. I've been sleeping a lot, buying ready prepared veg so I don't need to make much effort to cook a healthy meal, dialling it down at work as much as I can, prioritising walking my dog and getting exercise and so on.

I think coming from an abusive background means if you're not careful you continue the abuse - I always used to be so hard on myself and try to force myself to do more than I could, and tell myself off for weakness if I just had to stop, rest, take it easy for a bit. I know it's really hard to do, but try to be kinder to yourself at the moment, look after yourself like you would a friend or child who's going through the really horrible stuff you're dealing with at th moment. Keep reminding yourself you're doing great.

Just to clarify, I meant that if you're not careful, you carry on doing the abuser's job against yourself - being so hard on yourself and beating yourself up all the time.

Thanks justa. It's surprising how much easier things are if we get chance to plan. I'm going shopping later, I will get as much prepared stuff as I can. What you said about doing the abuser's job can be so true. Sometimes we even push ourselves even further than they did, almost to prove to ourselves what we're capable of due to low self esteem etc. I just feel so guilty resting. It doesn't help that I've got a neighbour who looks at my curtains every morning, she's told me she knows what time I get up! I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. I don't want to be seen as lazy :(. Even so, I'm going to try not to dwell on it and rest anyway.
Thanks so much for the support justa, so glad you've been able to plan ahead this time, I will too. I'm usually ok when the house is busy, it's when it goes quiet I struggle. Sometimes I'm not even really tired, I just don't want to be awake, that's troubling me. ....small steps I suppose, it's like psychological rehab!