The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Well yes, I was just saying that communication is very hard and so does become my problem

Now he's changed his mind on meeting in car park, telling me to take DS to his house. Have not replied.

That might be something you need to add to your list of requirements. With basic smartphones so cheap these days he really has no excuse - "I want to make things as inconvenient as possible for my ex" is unlikely to cut it in court.

I actually wasn't surprised that you were advised that 50:50 isn't necessarily the goal. It can work very well, but only if both parents are equally committed to co-parenting and there is good communication and trust between them. Otherwise you get the situation you're dealing with - ongoing twattery, items accumulating at twat's place, and the child's needs being put last by said twat, who has lots of opportunities to point score against the reasonable parent.

Hand over done. Home now. Cup of tea, candy crush and then 7 mile run for me.

On the face of it, asking for more time to make up for the Wednesday thing is actually quite reasonable and not at all unusual - it's what my ex and I normally do. However in the wider context of his ridiculous "here there and everywhere" scheduling system it's adding to the disruption...

Has he been invited to mediation yet FV45? Hope you get a date for it soon. Have you thought up a plan of attack for the mediation?

c3 you're right, a swap seems reasonable, thing is he didn't tell me and it's not like we have anything established so that we both knew it was a change from the norm. It was a change in HIS rota that I've had to go along with. If he'd said it was in exchange for a full 1/2 term day I would not have agreed.
I'll know now.

His mediation letter would have been sent yesterday so may have arrived today.

I haven't really thought of a plan. I will be surprised if 1) he opens the letter 2) he responds within 7 days 3) he suddenly turns into someone who supports mediation.

I never found out what happened at his divorce Miam, I just got an email saying it had been discussed with senior people, that he was making a complaint and reluctantly they agreed mediation wasn't suitable. The mind boggles! I wasn't going to go with him anyway due to the abuse, so it saved me having to make that application.

Does he know you're intent on getting this sorted? Might be worth making him aware that if he doesn't go to mediation of his own free will it's likely a judge will make him go!

I know he's an absolute cockwomble, but if there's any chance whatsoever of getting it sorted without going to court (which will likely take months) I'd thoroughly recommend exhausting the possibility.

Regardless of whether it goes to court or mediation first, I'd be thinking up a few different schedules that would work For you and the little one, and Mo's important of all why those schedules are in the child's best interests.

Also try to pre-empt what he is likely to suggest, and come up with some reasons why it's not in little ones best interests so you can poo-poo his stupid ideas :D

Child Arrangements/Court orders are often a bit like a game of chess. For a given set of circumstances there are a set of likely moves, and counter moves etc. If you do your research it's often possible to stay a few steps ahead and steer things in the direction you'd like.

I told him I had sought legal advice.
He will regard me letting him know to expect mediation invitation as a threat, but you're right of course.

Based on my divorce experience I know that he hasn't done a thing of his own free will, has missed numerous deadlines, breached court orders etc so I am of the mind to just miss out all this middle man stuff (it's ok, I completely agree and support the process in principal) and get the ball rolling in getting the child arrangement order in place.

Just waiting this week for him to respond to the mediation invitation puts me in the position of waiting. Again. And he will know he can use it as control and I hate that feeling.

Can you point me to where I might do some research? Mediator said I should seek legal advice but apart from the WA sol looking over my C100 I will be representing myself.

I don't get a good feeling from the Mackenzie friends so am ditching them.

I found the Resoluton site v informative on all sorts (though my DC were grown).

Thank you. Just been having a read and now I feel awful. I just don't know whether I'm doing enough to protect my children.
I tried to get an injunction. I am trying to access the help available to me but with no money left for legal help I am a bit stuck.

If the abuse is really bad the help is there, otherwise you're on your own really. I wish the DV police had encouraged me to give ex a caution when they came round and told me that would enable me to access legal aid.

I probably didn't make myself clear, of course a swap of days is reasonable, but what isn't is that nothing is said but then it's demanded - FV being told rather than asked. Plus if I'm honest the picking and choosing of parenting depending on what's going on also annoys me.

You are doing your best FV, and sadly I think court is the only way because yes, you can get him to agree but I don't know how you stop him from changing it at will and making demands on you to fit in with him.

Sadly EA is still down played somewhat, I guess bruises at least show proof. But you do have a certain amount of proof in the messages to you.

FV45

Don't be daft, you're clearly making every effort to protect the little one, in very difficult circumstances.

When i was pursuing a CAO I found the following quite useful:

www.separateddads.co.uk/guide-court-1st-hearing-court-forms-statement.html

But most of all, browsing forums and reading what other people had gone through and what outcomes they had was probably most useful. Plenty of threads on parenting forums (netmums was quite good for that actually!) and there's a pretty interesting legal section on dad.info: www.dad.info/forum/legal-eagle

If you have the time, google it to the nth degree and you'll end up with a reasonably good idea of what to expect for your circumstances.

Representing yourself for a CAO is actually fairly straightforward if you do your homework. All you really need is a large dose of confidence and the dedication to stick with it. It's often the case that a Litigant In Person can do a better job than a solicitor who is juggling a bunch of other cases...

Thank you c3

Once I know how ex has responded to his MIAM invitation I will know where I am and will spend some time doing my research.

For now I am enjoying the respite from the texts and demands and allowing space in my head to think about other things. I feel a bit like I did when I went through my late parents' things, a grief of sorts.

Just checking in before this thread drops off my 'thread you're on' list!

Today I am feeling good. I've been very anxious - nothing I can (or want) to pinpoint, but quite physically horrible.

I ended up telling ex that DS2 could stay with him today/tonight so that I could have him on Monday (Halloween). Missing my boy so much.
I'm used to him being away with his Dad (we've taken separate holidays for a long time now), but it meant that ex was out of the house and that trumped me missing DS2. That's not an issue now (huzzah!) so I am not suppressing my maternal feelings. And of course right now I am feeling more protective towards him.

It has also meant I've had 3 very, very good work days which has mentally been very good for me.

Done lots of running, seen friends and relaxed. The issues are of course bubbling away, but I do feel stronger.

FV just to check do you see a psychologist / psychiatrist? It might be a useful thing to look into, it can really help sort out what's going on and leave some of the bagage behind. That and time and space of course.

There will be days or weeks of sheer terror. But it gets less with time. I'm 8 years along the line though.

I don't wally.
I was referred for counselling, did the triage bit, got added to the list, then I was told they'd had a management meeting and decided they weren't going to offer it after all. Actually, they didn't even tell me, I followed up why they hadn't called me in 28 days as promised and then I was told. A bit of a fuck up. Didn't make me feel cared for.

I have toyed with going to the Freedom Programme, but they are during the day about would take nearly 3hrs round trip which I can't really do.

I can't afford anything privately.

Fair (or not) enough. I would say that both counseling and the freedom program are worth doing at some point.

I did the freedom program on line when I met DP so 6 years after exh. So there's no right time.

Good counseling is powerful but hard to find. I'm lucky to have seen someone excellent but I've seen a lot of very mediocre people too.

Like lawyers finding the one that works for you is not always simple. I saw 3 bad fits before I found my shl.

However, ask around to see if there is a name that comes up for counseling/psychiatric or psychological help. Mine used to give me shed loads of homework/ reading to do before I could go back which spaced out the visits and has given me some valuable reference tools to fall back on. I probably had less than 6 sessions and go back for the occasional top up if needed.

Any news on him accepting/declining/ignoring the mediation request yet?

I've heard nothing c3
I will call the mediation service on Friday.

Got both my boys here.

Oooh, the clock is ticking... Fingers crossed it goes against him if he doesn't respond!!

KOKO

I didn't call mediator yesterday, just wanted to enjoy my time with DSs.

Next week from Monday is me, ex, ex, me, ex, me, me
This is of course what HE put forward.
I txt him to say DS should be with him on the single 'me' day mid week (it's Thursday) for stability. He's working so 1)I know he won't and 2) he hasn't replied.
That day will be awful. It takes a good day for DS to settle. This is NOT in his interest.

In other news I became an auntie again yesterday.