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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

999 replies

FV45 · 06/10/2016 07:25

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

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FV45 · 29/10/2016 07:17

...and 6th form have increased bursary by 10% for last 2 terms. Very welcome.

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Clutterbugsmum · 29/10/2016 08:16

I really glad that DS1 school is helping him/you so he can finish his schooling.

As for your Ex he really needs a dose of reality and how "his way" is not best for DS2 and that he needs stability and know where he is staying on which days. And if they fall on his work days then he needs to organize his own childcare like every other working parent.

Iamdobby63 · 29/10/2016 17:28

Congrats on becoming an auntie again, and great news from school.

Personally I still think 2 on 2 off is still too unsettling for DS2, maybe that's just me, he doesn't get a chance to settle and relax before being unsettled again. Not very helpful as you can't do too much about it right now. How is DS2 coping now, does he go happily to Dads?

FantasticButtocks · 29/10/2016 17:50

The next time he argues and refers to his rights, it needs to be made clear to him, preferably in writing, that this is not about his rights. It is about DS's rights and wellbeing.

This 50/50 stuff is just not putting DS first. DS needs stability. And spending 50% of his time with someone who doesn't have his best interests at heart, but just wants to win and score points, is denying your DS's needs and rights to a peaceful, stable life and home environment. Both ex's job and his attitude indicate that 50/50 will not work for your child and any nonsense Ex comes up with about 'fairness' or his 'rights' will not get him anywhere. Because it is the interests of the child only which matter here.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 29/10/2016 22:02

Why oh why are you going along with what he wants. It's farcical and not good for your ds, I'd be worried about the court thinking you agreed with this schedule, I'm not having a go at you op, just worried about how it will look from the outside. I do appreciate it is very difficult for you.

FV45 · 29/10/2016 22:28

ami what do you suggest I do?
I believe me refusing to let ex have access (how???) not ideal and not show me in a favourable light.

The head teacher has my word that if ex goes to collect DS from school when I am meant to, that I will walk away and not expose DS to warring parents. We both have parental rights.

I sought legal advice for this before he even left the home, I knew it would happen. I cannot seek court action any quicker than I am. It is logged all over the place that I absolutely DO NOT accept this set up.

But I hold my hands up, I have been controlled by this man for years so maybe there is something I am missing.

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Iamdobby63 · 29/10/2016 23:42

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Firstly there was no reason to begin with to refuse or fight him wanting 50:50, however, in practice, its proving to be unworkable and unsettling for DS2, mostly because of his working hours but also because ex seems unable to make longer term plans and stick to the ones already agreed. Your ex is being his usual bullish way, that isn't a surprise.

You must feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as you want to keep things as smooth for DS2 as possible but if you put your foot down and ex just does what he wants it will be you having to turn the other cheek so as not to cause an upset.. it's not fair but it's what we caring parents do.

Just say no doesn't often work on someone like your ex, as he will just continue regardless.

RandomMess · 30/10/2016 17:50

All I can suggest is that you respond along the lines of "Can you not see that DS2 takes more than 24 hours to settle between homes, that he needs 2 consecutive days together? You know I have agreed to the principle of 50:50 but not when you are insisting on such a schedule to the detriment of DS2."

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

I guess what happens when you say "No I can't have DS2 on x day so that suggestion doesn't work." would he then come back with something different?

FV45 · 30/10/2016 20:48

random he just ignores me.

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RandomMess · 30/10/2016 21:23

So if you just ignore him...

"DS doesn't agree so we are doing Me Me, you, you, me, me"....

He is such a narcissistic abusive d*ck head arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

AmIbeingTreasonable · 30/10/2016 23:16

FV I really wasn't having a go, I was just worried that you may be seen to be accepting of/happy with the arrangement and I have not and would not suggest refusing access at all.
Also I was not aware that you had sought legal advice about this very situation.
I do not know what to suggest, if you refuse his ludicrous arrangement and insist on week about, would he just ignore you and do what he wants? Can you contact SS or any other agency for advice, what does your lawyer advise you do?

FV45 · 31/10/2016 07:04

ami Yes, your concern has been pointed out to me. I think all I can do is to keep logging that I do not agree.

Until I have a Child Arrangement Order in place I don't think there is anything else I can do, is there?
I do not have a solicitor, I saw a women's aid one. He advised me to go to Court. I am doing so. I actually don't see any point in wasting time and money on solicitor letters suggesting what he should do. I tried that with the divorce, he knows such letters are no legally binding and thus non-enforceable. It just delays everything else. Even a CAO is not legally binding. He will have to breach it and then I go back to court to attach a penal notice to any further breach.

I have a feeling of dread over him going to ex Tues and Wed. I feel after 4 nights here we're back on an even keel at last.

I will call the mediators today.

I have a large family and they are staring to put Xmas plans in place. I don't have the courage to broach the subject with him.

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FV45 · 31/10/2016 09:30

Called mediators. They have not heard a thing from ex. The letter he was sent was dated 20th Oct and he had a week to respond, so I have been more than flexible (allowed for post and w/e).

So, they're arranging to get C100 form signed and sent to me within next couple of days. I pretty much knew this would happen, but I feel very, very sad and now have to face up to the task ahead.

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Iamdobby63 · 31/10/2016 09:49

Not really surprised he didn't respond, after all he does think 'it's his right'.

You can do the task ahead, I know it's scary but you are just acting in the best interests of your child, you will do your best by him and that's all that can be asked of you.

I'm surprised ex has 'let' you have DS for 4 nights, thought he was not prepared for that to happen?

It's still early days but I'm afraid the times your son is away from you will always be somewhat emotionally difficult.

Your son needs a stable routine that includes a certain amount of respite from moving around, I really hope the court sees that and puts in place an alternative. Your ex was talking a while ago about changing jobs, I guess he has done nothing about it but really, if he wants a strict 50:50, something will have to change.

c3pu · 31/10/2016 12:07

Until I have a Child Arrangement Order in place I don't think there is anything else I can do, is there?

Not a great deal... I'd consider telling him "NO" for a day when it doesn't suit for him to have DS, and then seeing if he turns up at the school regardless - If he does then you can leave without a fuss but then you can demonstrate his behaviour is unreasonable and disruptive to the little one.

I do not have a solicitor, I saw a women's aid one. He advised me to go to Court. I am doing so. I actually don't see any point in wasting time and money on solicitor letters suggesting what he should do. I tried that with the divorce, he knows such letters are no legally binding and thus non-enforceable. It just delays everything else. Even a CAO is not legally binding. He will have to breach it and then I go back to court to attach a penal notice to any further breach.

Good move. You're clearly smart enough to do this without a solicitor! It really would be a waste of money.

I have a feeling of dread over him going to ex Tues and Wed. I feel after 4 nights here we're back on an even keel at last.

Clearly stability would be better for everybody!

I have a large family and they are staring to put Xmas plans in place. I don't have the courage to broach the subject with him.

I'd suggest grasping the nettle and asking, because if you do then you may be able to get christmas/birthday arrangements sorted via the CAO.

Called mediators. They have not heard a thing from ex. The letter he was sent was dated 20th Oct and he had a week to respond, so I have been more than flexible (allowed for post and w/e).

So, they're arranging to get C100 form signed and sent to me within next couple of days. I pretty much knew this would happen, but I feel very, very sad and now have to face up to the task ahead.

A shame he won't engage, but it wont help his case. Crack on with the C100, and give us a shout if you need any pointers on what to write! Sooner this is sorted the better.

RandomMess · 31/10/2016 18:15

Hugs FV, you are doing so well keeping it together in horrific circumstances, anyone would be feeling the strain.

I agree with grasping the nettle re Christmas/New Year.

"DS2 would like to see x y z of Christmas so he would need to be with me a b c for this to happen. That would leave d e f g h I j for you to have first choice over for 4 nights so the hols are split 50:50"

Even if you get nothing of what you want at least you know and can then plan accordingly...

Flowers
FV45 · 01/11/2016 18:38

OK, I grabbed the nettle by the horns or whatever and txt ex to get ball rolling about Xmas. Have suggested that the boys are with one of us for 25th and the other for 26th and the other days to be split in long stretches not here and there.

I told myself in 2014 that Xmas 2015 would be better. It wasn't! I was right in the thick of it then. Thankfully 2016 will be better. Far better to know that when I do have the boys it will be a happy time rather than us all under the same roof....[shudder]

I have a whole evening to myself tomorrow so will get cracking on my C100.

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RandomMess · 01/11/2016 19:14

Well done you!!!!

c3pu · 01/11/2016 20:48

c3pu approves

Grin
FV45 · 02/11/2016 17:25

Step 1. Print off bastard form

The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)
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FV45 · 02/11/2016 17:27

Step 2. Play candy crush and eat Halloween sweets

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Iamdobby63 · 02/11/2016 17:54

Jeez, how many sheets are there?

Well done on raising the subject of Christmas, has he answered?

FV45 · 02/11/2016 18:10

26
No!

Am off to boot camp. Need to look after my body! Oh bone scan results in and I have bones of 25 year old woman (I am 46). Yay!

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RandomMess · 02/11/2016 18:32

FV45 all I have to say about 26 pages is here

FV45 · 02/11/2016 19:33

GrinGrinGrinthat really made me laugh!

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