The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Through the MIAM interview?

Yes. Home now. Will read scientific papers and do funky stuff with genes to take my mind off things.

It's hard but probably good they could see the effect he has on you. What happens now?

Have a good afternoon doing your science stuff (my son would love you)

Hugs, FV45 - I hope the funky stuff with genes is helping

Did they sign the C100 off at the miam?

c3 He said he would if I wanted, but he then talked me into writing to ex to invite him for a miam. It will go in my favour.
Instead of the usual 14 days given for him to respond I asked them to stipulate 7 days (FFS...he just has to pick up the phone).
He made it clear that I don't need to accept him delaying making an appt, or then postponing (repeatedly) like he did with the divorce - it's basically up to me to say enough is enough.
He was pretty realistic about how court might proceed. Anything between 1 and 6 months. I'm guessing 1 for people who talk to each other.
He said that 50:50 is absolutely not the aim. I don't know where I got that notion from, did a sol tell me, did he brainwash me, it is me still trying not to rile him and be fair? I don't know anymore.
He did raise the issue of an injunction so I told him about my failed ex-parte non-mol order and how the memory of that haunts me and reminds me that a judge pretty much told me to suck it up.

It was the thought of the time it might all take which reduced me to tears.

We talked about joint or shuttle mediation. Joint would be hideous but preferable and the mediator would put a stop to any sort of abuse. Shuttle would mean I woudn't know what he was saying. That would be worse I think. I don't think it will come to that. I doubt he will go to a miam. He said that if it sounded like he was just hoop jumping rather than showing any willingness to engage with the process he would sign the form.

Meanwhile I emailed ex about the rota from after 1/2 term (31st Oct), saying that we should start the one we agreed upon ages ago. Nope. He's come back with something else, which I suppose fits in with his work.
It's 50:50 but lots of here, there, here, there.

Had a lovely evening with my wee lad.

Sorry you lost me '50:50 is not the aim?' I think you were trying to be fair and not to rile him.

What will you do, bide your time and agree to here, there for now? How is DS2 coping with it so far? Perhaps too early to tell.

How long is he having him for this half term?

I was just really surprised that the mediator said that 50:50 is not what the courts aim for when there are no safeguarding issues.
I feel that if I push for main residency to be with me and for ex to see him every other w/e and maybe a couple of evenings in the week (but not to sleep) he'll really up the ante and pull out all those things he says he has on me. Yes, I am still scared about that. It will take a while to not live with that fear.
I need some help with it, only I don't have time to go to the Freedom programme at the moment.

The easiest thing is for me to bide my time and just do as ex wishes, but my concern is then that I look like I am able to accommodate this set up and it becomes the status quo which the courts won't then want to change. The alternative is to keep challenging him. I guess that's what I'll need to do e.g he now has him 1 extra night over 1/2 term, in exchange for me having him tomorrow night.
That's not fair. DS is with him from Sat midday until Thursday now - I presume midday.

DS is up and down. He's often angry and often very clingy.

That's what was worrying me, that you may appear to be able to accommodate it and DS2 being in that routine. I guess you can just go with it, but make sure you protest that the to and fro is not good for DS2 in writing. But then perhaps in court you can apply for every other weekend, fri - sun and maybe one or two consecutive stop overs during the week.

You don't have to say what but is it possible he has something on you and in which case what is the worst thing that can happen? I'm sure they are just bullying threats and no one would really be interested in them anyway. You can't be held to blackmail every time he wants his own way. 💐

Oh and PS, you are only having him this fri because he can't be arsed to take him to the play date, that doesn't mean he gets an extra night. That was his choice. However, if you challenge it he will probably keep him anyway.

he'll really up the ante and pull out all those things he says he has on me

What sort of things could he have on you that anyone would be interested in?

Yes I will have to keep on telling him that I do not agree to his proposals.
He won't read emails now until next week so it's all via txt (sigh).
I'd really like to think that a Court would take into account the history of EA and recognise the lunacy of me attempting to work with my abuser over care of our son. I told the mediator this - that in a joint mediation setting I may well simply be behaving/responding as I have been so used to, to keep the peace. Walking on egg shells, trying to please him.

I have txt ex to say I do not support him sending a rota every 2 weeks, that we need something more stable. And then said that he should have discussed that today came with conditions and that DS should be with me next Wed as arranged. Watch this space.

Oh I don't think he has anything on me that would worry anyone.

Some anger in the face of EA. He has used this as a threat for a very, very long time. It's got in my head.

I have spoken honestly with a trusted friend about things that he might use against me and she has set me straight (basically told me I was being ridiculous in a nice way!).

I just really don't want to go to war :-(

"He said he would if I wanted, but he then talked me into writing to ex to invite him for a miam. It will go in my favour."

That's good, I think at least attempting (or rather being seen to have attempted) mediation is the best course of action here.

"He said that 50:50 is absolutely not the aim. I don't know where I got that notion from, did a sol tell me, did he brainwash me, it is me still trying not to rile him and be fair? I don't know anymore."

I'm surprised the mediator didn't elaborate on this a bit more. When I went to court there's a quick mediation session to see if an agreement can be thrashed out before it goes before the judge, and after my ex caved in and agreed to everything the CAFCASS guy said that 50/50 is becoming a lot more common... Perhaps where your mediator days it's not the starting point, he means it's not a given. Don't forget, contact isn't about what is good for you, or for the ex, but rather about what is good for the child. You don't have to go for 50/50 if you don't want to, but if your ex was reasonable I'd say he has a strong case for it if he got his shit together. It would certainly make you look good if you offered 50/50 (albeit in a form you know he is unwilling to accept!)

"We talked about joint or shuttle mediation. Joint would be hideous but preferable and the mediator would put a stop to any sort of abuse. Shuttle would mean I woudn't know what he was saying. That would be worse I think. I don't think it will come to that. I doubt he will go to a miam. He said that if it sounded like he was just hoop jumping rather than showing any willingness to engage with the process he would sign the form."

I think biting the bullet and going for the joint mediation is the best course of action, otherwise it will drag on for ages. With a bit of luck the mediator being there will force him to act reasonably and you might get somewhere.

"Meanwhile I emailed ex about the rota from after 1/2 term (31st Oct), saying that we should start the one we agreed upon ages ago. Nope. He's come back with something else, which I suppose fits in with his work.
It's 50:50 but lots of here, there, here, there."

If you feel brave enough, offer him a reasonable schedule with a similar amount of contact but with less to and fro. If he disagrees, say tough... Will take a lot of balls but if you can't say it over email then the mediation won't go well. The time to find some strength in this respect is fast approaching I feel.

Got to dash for breakfast, will add some more musings later :D

Oh I don't think he has anything on me that would worry anyone.

Well, no I didn't think so.

It's a manipulation tactic of course, as all his shit is.

"I feel that if I push for main residency to be with me and for ex to see him every other w/e and maybe a couple of evenings in the week (but not to sleep) he'll really up the ante and pull out all those things he says he has on me. Yes, I am still scared about that. It will take a while to not live with that fear."

Pah, let him. The courts take a very dim view of this sort of mudslinging. If it hasn't been reported to CS or the police the courts will not take much notice.

"I'd really like to think that a Court would take into account the history of EA and recognise the lunacy of me attempting to work with my abuser over care of our son. I told the mediator this - that in a joint mediation setting I may well simply be behaving/responding as I have been so used to, to keep the peace. Walking on egg shells, trying to please him."

You'd like to think so, but it seems the courts are very keen to try and let the past be the past for the sake of moving forward. I do hope that the mediation is more productive than you fear though.

"I have txt ex to say I do not support him sending a rota every 2 weeks, that we need something more stable. And then said that he should have discussed that today came with conditions and that DS should be with me next Wed as arranged. Watch this space"

This 2 week rota is clearly just another attempt to control you, so you can't plan your life any further in advance of 2 weeks. Sooner this shit is ended the better.

If you are communicating via text then try to screenshot the exchanges and email them to yourself.

I know you are nervous to stand up to him but really mediation is the time and place to do it, take a friend who can wait outside so you don't have to leave by yourself. Most importantly remember that it isn't your corner you are fighting but your sons as well. He is the one who is affected by the to and fro.

You have agreed to 50:50, and are still willing for that arrangement, however, in practice it appears his working hours are not conducive to a reasonable arrangement that doesn't negatively impact on DS2.

I suspect he wants a two week rota because of his uncertain working hours. So, if his working hours are the issue then he either needs to resolve it, find another job or the arrangements need to be less than 50%. It not up to you or your child to bend at his will. I know this sounds snotty but it's not like we are talking of an actual career here, this was his something to do whilst he relied on you to cover everything.

For a long time now he has bullied you as a means to get exactly what he wants, you are stronger than you think, you, despite his best efforts have got divorced and finally got him out the house. You did that! Do not worry about anything he may or may not have 'on you', the attitude toward him to have is 'if it makes you feel good about yourself to do that then do your worst, I just don't care any more'

You guys rock. You really do.

More later. Gotta get on with the funky DNA!

I have drunk wine. I haven't done that for a long time. It has gone to my head!

So I'll respond to your posts tomorrow, just fill you in on today.

So, he is refusing to back down over Wed of 1/2 term. I am standing my ground. He seems to think we have some agreement that allows exchanging days. We don't. He didn't tell me today was in exchange for a full 1/2 term day. It's not on.

I have arranged to do handover in Tesco car park tomorrow. No more txts about clothes. Only 7 in total!

Had a lovely evening. It was so nice to invite my friend and her son to my place and for the boys to play while we chatted.

Also DS1 has asked to have some friends over. He hasn't done that for years. I feel so happy he feels able to do that.

I just don't know what to do. He will not back down, just keeps saying he gets DS2 on Wed, or if I have him then he gets him an extra day later on. It's stupid - nothing is agreed.

I've told DS2 we'll got T or T'ing on the 31st (as I thought he'd be here). Do I tell ex that in hope he "lets" me keep the 31st? Will he just come back with another day HE wants. All this by txt cos he doesn't have email.

FFS, I'll drink more wine and watch The Missing.

Can you have email communication stipulated in the final agreement? It's a fairly reasonable request seeing as the entire world does business by email now. Think about requesting that as would make things easier for you and make record keeping much more straightforward. Well done. You're amazing!

Argghh he is a stubborn git your ex.

All you can do is persevere, tell him you have plans for the 31st. Also, if he changes plans then he can't expect you to change your days. He is so picky! Personally I would drop in the end something like 'clearly this arrangement isn't going to work'. Be prepared that he may keep him on Weds just to spite you given that there is little you can do about it. Next time he wants to change because there is something he cant be arsed to do you can preempt him by saying, 'that's fine but as its your choice an alternative day won't be offered elsewhere and mess up your plans.

Do your best and bide your time, try not to get upset and frustrated (easier said than done).

Glad you all had a good evening.

My feeling is that you need to stipulate again and again that this isn't working. Also he can get email to his phone like the rest of the world.
Just text back look at your emails each and every time.
No response for clothes. Get what you need the rest is his problem but also needs to be in final agreement.
Everything that is causing you shit now has to be in agreement. So:
Times/places/who's doing pick ups/drop offs.
Clothes
School trips (who pays), are the days non recuperable, should son always be allowed to go if he wishes to.
Homework. Always to be done by parent who has DS.
Maybe pocket money/tablet/future phone/laptop agreements - are there things that can/cannot go from house to house.

Hopefully others can add.

Maybe think a bit more about what you'd like and the boundaries you'd like. Be less accommodating. It's not just up to you to compromise. He maybe needs to look at changing jobs if he wants 50/50. I would be perusing this line myself. That currently his job does not fit in with 50/50, so it's not a viable option.

Good luck.

He doesn't have a Smart phone.

Again that's his problem not yours. Learn to try and separate out when it's his issue.