The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

2nd WWYD - tell him he needs to buy stuff for DS when he has him. Not your responsibility.

When I got divorced my Step mum said make sure you get the stuff sorted. So in brief it went in the agreement that he was 100% responsible for clothing kids from his house. If he doesn't get to feel the pain of his ridiculous scheduling it won't change. No more school uniform to his house. No more anything. I gave him dustbin bags of hand me downs that I'd been given.

When you make a choice think does this help show him how crap this is? If the answer is yes then do it. Short term pain long term gain remember.

No extra bags to school. Both parents to be fully kitted. Expensive unfortunately but best for the kids.

For us we did kids leave in what they came in. Never kept other parent clothes apart from socks and pants.

He keeps asking for more clothes. Sigh. Told him he had 1/2 and that he had to get more, like I did (you know when you sort through clothes and realise barely any fit!).
Three txts this evening. Have ignored the last.

But in WWYD news, he said DS should stay with me on Friday (the play barn evening). Good.

I have been honest with the school bursar about DS1s school fees (he gets big bursary but short fall is still large. I have an account which was solely for fees (and not included in the financial split), but have used it for extras ( music tuition, jazz, lunches) and there's not enough left.
It is what it is, getting ex out has cost me so much money. I haven't even added up the legal costs. She is asking me to say how much it was and to confirm I didn't use ring-fenced account for legal costs. And details of the mortgage.
If they are considering increasing their support for these last 2 terms then they are of course entitled to ask what they wish. She knows split was long and difficult but that's all. I feel very uncomfortable about it.

I know with your 50:50 access there is no child maintenance but shouldn't he pay for some of these costs? If he can't afford it he really should get a proper job. Just be honest with the school and make sure they know you are doing this entirely by yourself financially.

So as soon as there is something that ex doesn't get anything out of he can then stay with you. Lol

This is for 1/2 term.

I'm glad your ds is able to go to his friends party.

I hope you can get some more financial help from the school for DS1 (are these his last 2 terms at this school).

And stay firm with your EX he should be providing all the things ds2 needs at his house. It may take may replies the same to his texts as your ex is so used to you providing everything. I'm sure he can afford it he just too selfish to spend his money on anything but himself.

Yes, I'm so glad he can go too. We've rarely had his friends over and DS1 gave up inviting all but one of his pals years ago. It will also be nice for me to get out of my hole and talk to the other parents.

DS1 is in upper 6th. I've been quite frank with the school, but the email I sent yesterday (giving more explanation as to why the divorce was so much - abuse and non-mol order) was very hard to write.

I am ignoring ex today. I am ignoring ex today. I am ignoring ex today.

Going into campus to talk to real live people (well, fellow scientists if that counts!) which will be nice.

DS2 with ex this evening so I shall go to boot camp and then watch Bake Off with DS1.

I am also hungry which is good [nips off to Greggs for a steak bake!]

So glad your appetite has improved!

It's easy to forget the smaller (but still important) negative aspects of living in the environment that you were, play dates and friends visiting etc. How nice that you no longer have to worry and the boys can have friends over without you feeling anxious the whole time in case he kicks off.

Yes, do please ignore ex today. He needs to learn to take responsibility and stop relying on you.

Small progress is still progress! Good on you for ignoring the ex, dobby is right. He must learn to parent without relying on you.

4th txt about clothes. I feel intimidated. I've told him to stop asking. I am going to lock myself in the house tomorrow morning and will also ask a friend to come with me when I drop DS off with ex on Saturday.

...and another txt.
Called the DV unit, they won't do anything unless he threatens me. I have to go through court. A couple of months of this then. Sigh.

Would you consider getting a 2nd SIM card and just putting the current one in your phone when DS is with him for emergency purposes? Would that make it easier to ignore him/not let it bother you?

Not really practical as other people need to get hold of me.
I could get a cheap 2nd phone though. I'll think. Bloody bastard.

Just buy some clothes! Why does he think that's my responsibility? He's going away for a few days over 1/2 term (I'm not...I'm broke, what with my money being spent on the kids etc), so he's hardly stuck for money.

He is trying to wear you down, he knows this how he gets his own way.

It's funny (weird not haha) to me that 50% only includes access, not financial or parental necessities.

Should you have to reply to him at all then simply say, because divorce took so long you are now broke and as a result can't afford to replace clothes so need to hang on to what you have got and as he has DS 50% of the time he should provide the clothes etc for when he is with him. Plus he has proven it is too difficult to get belongings back.

I'm afraid your ex has had a very easy ride so far. Has he always been so reliant on you to provide financially and practically?

I don't think he even realises what he's doing to me. He's so arrogant he believes it is his right.
I have not entered into discussion with him. It's not worth it.

I am worried about this morning.

No, he wasn't always like this, it slipped slowly until I realised it wasn't normal. Tried to change things, failed and put it down to all manner of things. Ploughed on till I had the courage to leave.

He has texted you about clothes numerous times so that he always has you on the back foot.

He is trying to rile you into an argument about it so that he can tell people how unreasonable you are.

'Thanks for the numerous texts. However many times you ask, you need to do what parents do and just buy some clothes. It is really easy, walk into a [usually clothes] shop with the child, try some on, take them to the counter [most of them will have 'please pay here' above] and then pay for them. They may offer you a bag, they may not. Then take them home and the child can wear them. I hope that helps'.

He's parked car and walking DS to school. Must have seen no bag outside. I will stay hiding in my room until he has come back and gone on his bike.
I'll then be out when he returns.
Am shaking.

I'd say no once, then ignore... Easier said than done but it can't continue like this, thats for sure.

He's gone on bike.

I'm off to my MIAM before he gets back. Hope they sign the court forms. I will not mediate with this man.

If he was only seeing DS every other weekend plus some holidays and was paying maintenance then I would say you should provide overnight and holiday clothes (that are returned), but seeing as this is 50:50 and (most importantly imo) because it is so difficult for you to get these items back he should provide 50% of all necessities for DS.

He has to sort himself out and be responsible if he wants this arrangement.

I wouldnt relish mediation with him either, might be ok if you got a really strong mediator but that doesn't always happen. What are the consequences if you refused it?

I will not mediate with this man.

Don't refuse to engage! Always appear to be the reasonable one.

Even if your MIAM does get signed off as mediation unsuitable, don't be surprised if the judge tells you both to go back to mediation and get on with it, its quite common if it hasn't been tried (and failed). Happened to a friend of mine.

Oh god...really?
That means months more delay while he fails to go to his miam for stupid reasons (5 months between mine and his miam for divorce). Then he kicked off and they said mediation not suitable. Waste of time.

Wow! Well that is another example of how the system doesn't work. What's the point if a judge is just going to ignore the report from the MIAM?

5 months between! I guess ex is only going to be compliant if he wants something but is not getting it.

Just cried my way through that

Yes I would get a 2nd phone as you can leave it turned off most of the time - cheapo £10 one will do.

Huge hugs x