The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Terrors I would dearly love to focus on myself (and my boys and my family and friends!) but ex does not enable me to do so with the continued EA. I can't sit back and "not let him get to me" when he is using our son as a pawn.

Dobby I collect him tomorrow morning. I am taking the day off.

yeah c3 he's a clever man.

The lovely, lovely woman from the Survivors Of Domestic Abuse drop in (which closed due to lack of funding...arsing cuts) really went out of her way to find some support for me so I am hoping I will get some one-to-one support. The Freedom Programme starts up again in Sept. This is education rather than therapy which may suit me better at the moment, but I don't know if I can take the time out.

My past experience helped someone make a difficult decision yesterday. I feel really good about that.

He does enjoy the audiobooks, but is actually much more settled at night anyway. He's ploughing through Harry Potter at the moment or at least he was when I last saw him MORE THAN THREE WEEKS AGO

He has seen the school counsellor person a couple of times and will continue to see her. They are just building a rapport at the moment.

More than 3 weeks ago? How much of that time was the arranged amount?

Regardless, he is pushing boundaries Monday becomes Tuesday etc., you shouldn't have to put up with that. Give yourself a timescale in your head and if he is still playing his controlling games by that time then either go to court or try to deal with it yourself. I can see him reverting back to how he was prior to the court order and I don't want to see you back there feeling powerless.

I think he is seeing what he can get away with.

Arranged was until the Monday. He stayed an extra 2 nights.
I have him until Tues evening now so it's actually worked out better, especially as we have the long w/e.

HE GOT HIS HAIR CUT. This is against the CO ("drastic changes in appearance need to be agreed"). It is nearly shaved all over. I'd got him a hair cut before he went away with ex. I hate it and DS2 didn't want it so short. It's not like he did it in an emergency in France cos it was super hot; no he did it when they were back in this country.

But DS is OK and happy to be back. I've tried not to smother him and just let him lead with what he wants to do (within reason!).

Really hard session with ED nurse yesterday. A bit less nice and a bit more "sort it out".

So if you have him now until Tuesday does that wipe the slate clean and there are no 'owed' days on either side?

Continue taking all the help and advice offered and hopefully you will find the tools and the strength to 'sort it out'. You know already know that others can help but real change can only come from you. Try and keep a positive mindset. You can do this, you need to do this... you will do this.

I believe so.

Just been for a run during my lunch break and now I have ALL the endorphins. Meant to be replacing a run or swim with a long walk or cleaning out a kitchen cupboard....ermmm but I just can't.

So did you eat anything during lunch break? If you can't bring yourself to walk or another activity can you gradually reduce how long you run for, set a timer and head home?

I ate about an hour afterwards. That's fine. It's evenings or when I'm alone it all unravels.

I won't reduce my running, it's too important to me for many, many reasons. If anything it encourages me to eat better (or at least something) so I am fuelled.

Most people run to eat not the other way around. Lol

If you are going to run then you need to eat more calories, you already know this. Something has to give.

Always run. Always been slim. While I recognise and like that it keeps me toned etc that is absolutely not my motivation and never has been.

I do understand that and I understand that there are actual mental health benefits to the exercise but its working against you regarding your ED, so run if it doesn't have any negative effects on your body but seriously work on eating better.

Are you actually my ED nurse

No, point taken. I know all of this. I really do.

Lol, been there got the tshirt. Lol

I know you know it but I worry for you, I don't want this to get worse and potentially cause you any other problems either physically or even custody wise. Try and re-educate your habits on eating and even with running you should get into a better BMI.

Take care of you, you are worthy of being happy and healthy.

WWYD?

ex signed DS up for local football club. I support DS playing, he loves football. However, I want NOTHING to do with the admin and organisation. I do enough.

I am happy to take DS to matches/training when it's my contact so I will keep up with the news.

The manager uses TeamApp and WhatsApp to communicate. Ex does not have a smart phone. Should I tell ex he needs to get a smart phone or tell the manager not to default to Mum (I feel pretty uncomfortable involving manager in my personal relationship issues - seems petty).

Hmmm, well you can try and step aside but I'm guessing in order for you to be in the loop the manager will have your mobile and your email, when he gets nothing from ex he will revert to you. Also when ex isn't being responsible and thoughtful (that would be always) then your son will turn to you to sort it out.

You can ask ex how he plans on managing it, suggest he gets a smart phone but to be honest I could see it falling to you anyway.

I'm actually more concerned this will be an excuse for ex to insert himself into your time with your son, turning up at practices and games. Not that it's a reason for your son not to do it but just be prepared.

Sorry not much help.

I'd give it a stiff ignoring. Ex signed up, it's Ex's responsibility.

Struggling with this today. What's the decent thing? What's the right thing for DS? What's the right thing for me and have I got the energy to keep "fighting"? This isn't a one off communication, it's a long-term thing.

With both DSs telling me (in their own way) they can't talk to their dad or rely on him, I would feel bad if I just shrug and say "sorry, it's dad's responsibility". At 8 years old when he just wants to play football is that fair?

Ex has also told me to drop DS at his at a different time to what we agreed. I can stand my ground but I'm so fed up with it, I really am.

Frustration and feeling like your hands are tied. Frustration with ex signing him up without and prior communication and agreements - your hands being tied because you won't disappoint DS2 and you want to make life as happy and as easy for him as possible. You can try washing you hands of it by saying to ex that it's his responsibility and see how it goes but he will only be interested in it when there is some enjoyment or benefit to him.

By different time I guess you mean he wants him earlier and by how much? Again frustration because ex is messing around times again and I would imagine you have a sense of dread knowing that he will continue until you don't know where you are again.

This is for Tuesday? Don't let it spoil your weekend, you are quite within your rights to say 'sorry not convenient' or decide that it's not worth fighting over, either way make a decision then enjoy your weekend.

I've given him what he wants for Friday. I tried, but he's just bullying me and I can't do that till Friday.
He wants him at 10am not 4pm as agreed. DS was meant to go to friends who live on farm. Luckily I didn't tell him.

Still don't know what to do about football. I feel embarrassed manager hasn't had response from me. I will probably just tell him ex is abusive and I've been advised not to communicate with him. Rather do that face to face than via txt. He lives just down the road so I do often see him about.

Having a lovely day with DS.

Need to figure out a way that removes you from his persistent bullying, perhaps a separate cheap pay as you go phone just for him that you can just turn off. He bullies you because he knows it what gets him his own way, he knows you will cave. It's going to be tough on you because when you do dig your heels in it will take him awhile to realise that actually he can't walk all over you.

Its a shame DS2 will miss out, I wonder if you had given him the choice whether he would choose going to his Dad's earlier or seeing his friends.

Need to figure a way around this because otherwise I can see him inserting himself into your time more and more and you will end up back at square one and you've got about 8 years of this.

After DS2 is back from Fridays visit perhaps you could think about emailing him, listing out all the football stuff but also how plans are being constantly changed (again), how you have to change your plans with DS2 to accommodate ex and how you are getting less and less time with DS2. Point out the whole reason you went to court was for consistency etc., and you feel like it's drifting back into uncertainty - if it continues you will end up reluctantly back in court. Then state that whilst you will be accommodating if you can to unexpected changes you are not prepared to continue how arrangements have been recently, therefore, please don't ask and DS2 will be dropped off and picked at the times previous agreed.

He isn't going to stop this merry go round.

Glad you are having a fab time with DS2. X

What would happen if you replied that it's not convenient and DS2 will be dropped off at 4pm as per contact agreement?

I did that already. Told him we had plans. Told him it's what we agreed. He denied the latter, despite my txt evidence and just repeated "drop him at 10". Again and again. He's a bully.

The email would be fine for a reasonable person or even someone who thought they were right but willing to discuss.
He just states it how he wants it. Over and over. We need a CO which leaves NO flexibility (which will be a pain for all of us) but I don't see another way.

I'm right aren't I? He agreed to Friday 4pm drop off?

If you don't feel brave enough to tell him that you will drop him at 4 as agreed and that there will be no further discussion and ignore anything else he says, and I can perfectly understand why you wouldn't be able to do that yet. I think you need to gather the evidence of each time he's changed arrangements and refused to keep to the terms of the order and take it to court.

Bullies are frightening, especially the ones that think if they something often enough, or loud enough, or both, you will do as they say.

Sometimes it needs someone with more power than the bully like a court to stand up to them. He needs to realise that his actions have consequences. You can ask for a power of arrest which might make him think twice about threats or harassment.