The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

WWYD. No info from ex as to what the contact will be next week.
My last txt to him stated I would collect DS2 on Monday evening (as per CO). His reply "might not be back till Tues"
Now what? Do I press him to find out his intentions for the week so that I can organise my own work and childcare, or just wing it thus not giving him the power to fuck me about (though he already knows he has).
Have already had to put friend on standby for Wednesday.

Firm up the date/time for getting DS2 back, then go radio silence and follow your own plan until you think it's appropriate for DS2 to go back?

What's sauce for the ex's goose can be sauce for FV's gander...

The alternative is to try and thrash out a mutual agreement beforehand once you have DS2 back your bargaining position is stronger, this is probably the more reasonable way of doing it but let's face it the ex will just try to make your life difficult so I'd be inclined to do whatever works best for yourself.

Could you tell him that if he can't stick to agreed times and days it becomes his responsibility to return DS2 to you rather than yours to pick him up? Or would that just act as some sort of permission for him to keep him for longer?

Maybe if he can't keep to Court ordered contact, it's time to go back to court, in the meantime maybe you could report each infraction to the Court in preparation.

Thanks c3
I try and behave as I wish him to behave and not stoop to his level so option 1 is out and I would be on eggshells waiting for him to go bonkers.
Option 2 looks better and I think is what I'll do.

terror I try and limit ex coming to my home as he can be abusive.
Is reporting breaches of COs to the court a recognised thing?

Is reporting breaches of COs to the court a recognised thing?

Not really... If he's continually operating outside of the CAO and it's not reasonable, keep a record and take it back to court for enforcement of the order?

However I'm not sure how effective that would be... Usually it's the NRP taking the RP to get the contact enforced... In theory as you're the RP you hold the trump card, but he's very effective with throwing his weight around and getting what he wants isn't he?

No idea why your thread isn't showing on my "threads I'm on" - I've missed so many posts!

Well done to DS1!

I hope the safe guarding issue for DS2 actually gets things sorted once and for all tbh.

Please hang on in there, you are an amazing Mum

You know what made my day today?
That DS1 told me 3 of his mates were coming over for a bit tomorrow.
That he knows they are always welcome and he felt comfortable having them here made me feel really good.

Is reporting breaches of COs to the court a recognised thing?

I'm afraid I don't know. Breaking the conditions of other types of court orders is definitely punishable but I'm not sure how that applies to marital cases.

It must be worth a phone call to the court office to find out what you can do if he keeps breaking the conditions, preferably without involving the expense of a solicitor.

Ps. Congratulations to DS1 on his stellar results, and how great that he's now able to invite friends over

It sounds like a defined contact order is what's needed all around. You could self represent. I'd suggest putting subject access requests for you and each child into all agencies linked with you / kids - schools, GP's , police if they've been involved. Once you get those back (40 days) and review the inevitable information plus the safeguarding stuff has been processed, plus your diaries and the texts demonstrating that he in not behaving in a manner reasonable or in the best interests of the child, you should be able to achieve a defined contact order. Be clear about what exactly you want, what childcare pattern is required. Some professionals may try to dissuade you on the basis you'll have no flexibility. That sounds like a better option that the current set up.

Speaking with very recent experience.

I think it's a defined contact order WITH arrest warrant attached, so if he doesn't abide by it he can be arrested and it is no longer a civil matter. I really think this is the only option that will work.

Thanks for your opinions folks.

I'm not engaging with ex at all. Have not replied to his last txt.
I will get DS2 back and then see what's what.

Meanwhile I have book marked Applications related to enforcement of a child arrangements order

Actually, that's bollocks, I don't want financial compensation or him to do community service. This is the one

I can't read it properly what will happen when he breaks it?

Hi FV, that form seems easy enough, probably a silly suggestion given what we know about ex but is it worth giving him a warning? Either one is going to be stressful for you FV, court or contacting ex. Perhaps an email along the lines of 'Im sure we would both prefer to avoid court so therefore we need to stick to the original contact arrangements, DS2 needs consistency and I need to make my own arrangements etc., etc.

I suggest you wait until DS2 is home before you do anything. Ex is so annoying, such a bully - but one day you will surprise him!

The problem as I see it is that if he tells you something and you don't respond he could argue that he has assumed that you are ok with it, how much of his abuse would the courts take into account? (Thinking out loud)

Children's and Family Hub (social services?) just called. That was quick.
They are happy that DS2 is being well cared for. They won't speak to ex as (in their words) "he won't listen". Their advice is to take him back to Court. It seems to be key that DS2 came to no harm during the incident that raised the referral. I guess they would take it seriously IF he had come to harm. So much for preventative measures.

I am relieved that ex won't know about this referral but feel rather flat and that I was wasting their time. Glad I didn't have to wait long though.

No reply from ex as to contact this week.

HR for new job called. Man they are SLOW!

Have you considered trying to vary the CAO for him to have less contact? Could bring more stability to the situation and give the ex less opportunity to put DS2 in harms way...

Do you mean via the courts or between ourselves?
I have done neither. It's 60/40 (to me) at the moment. I would love there to be less to and fro during the week. Ex won't agree to that.

Well it seems he's still something of a law unto himself so I'd say via the courts. I expect the usual palava of attempting mediation may be required though.

Food for thought.

I do think we will end up in court again, even if it's to firm up the existing Order up so there is less discussion necessary and maybe also to limit (even further) the amount of face to face contact I have with him.

I can't think about that now though. I will work on making myself more resilient. That will be easier than taking the legal route.

I think you're probably right, FV.

I keep wondering what I'd do if I was in your position, and I haven't got a clue how I'd handle it personally. The legal route seems a bit too heavy handed at the moment, but doing nothing is just awful.

He certainly seems a master at treading the tightrope of making your life as difficult as possible without much comeback.

I agree with you FV, I think the answer is to try to work on becoming more resilient, that way you will be able to handle situations that arise, sadly I doubt he will ever stop being a pain. You may not 'win' every disagreement and will still be frustrated at times but you will win some but most importantly you won't feel so helpless or powerless.

I'm kind of glad they won't take the referral any further, I think ex would have come up with an excuse and it would have caused you lots more stress. As you become stronger communication won't be as big an issue as it is right now and knowing what a twat your ex is you may be able to preempt issues yourself. If he chooses to ignore and continues being unreasonable then you have the courts.

You are doing great, you should be really proud that you facing all your fears and working to handle them better.

It's Tuesday PM now, do you know when your son will be home?

I'm glad you've decided to concentrate on you for now. As you start to heal the damage he has done to you your confidence and ability to deal with him will keep increasing. I don't know if he's ever been physically violent, but in many ways it's easy to deal with than the emotional kind. Bruises heal, mental bruises take a lot longer. Be kind to yourself

At least you know now that there is something that can be done through the court if you need it and that in itself should help.

*easy = easier.

I too think you are wise to focus on yourself for the moment. Your DS seems to be doing ok for the moment (how are the audiobooks going, btw? is he still enjoying them?), but you are still pretty fragile. Did you find a counsellor for DS2? It was mentioned above. Now that you have a defined schedule for him, even though there's a lot of back and forth, you could book him some sessions on your days.