The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Had an awful evening. Lost it with the boys (DS1 KNOWS when he winds his bro up, it's me who bears the brunt of it and it drives me mad).
Really lost my temper and fell apart. Called Samaritans and poured my heart out until I was calm.

Then the pool was shut due to an 'incident' (bleugh). Went for night run instead. Today is another day......

I think DS1 is old enough to understand that you bear the brunt of him winding up DS2 and that you are under an awful lot of stress of single handedly supporting them financially, a working parent and an ex who is an extremely difficult bully who doesn't safeguard DS2. Etc - You have an awful lot of balls in the air trying to keep everyone around you calm and happy.

I don't know how much you have told DS1, personally I think he is old enough to know but it's up to you if you think he is mature enough. Talk to him about winding up DS2 - even say you don't have many days where you are all together and would like them to make an effort for those days to be calm and pleasant.

Be kind to yourself.

Thank you dobby. You encouraged me to think about talking to the boys and I've had some chats with both of them.
I think DS1 understands a bit more now. DS2 is all over the place.
I am all over the place.

It's been a tough week so far. My MH is poor and I feel frustrated by trying to get the help and support I need (Freedom programme, the school liaison person). I know I am being over-sensitive but I feel I'm really trying to get help, but it's not coming.

The best thing that happened today was that the school office lady said SHE would call ex regarding some event on his contact day that he hasn't responded to.

Office lady vs ex Round One. Ding ding.

Am in funk about swimming. Twice a week. Kit will need to be sorted. It will all end up at ex's. Just another thing to add to the list of balls to juggle. Contact with just one parent in the school week is so much easier, I wish I had that.

Oh and I've updated my Will so I feel good that the kids will be taken care of.

Could DS2 leave swimming kit at school so you get it back the next day, you would probably need two kits but worth it for the sanity!

Take both kits in one swimming day 1, collect both swimming kits on the last day you collect him in the week and wash over the weekend?

I'm glad you spoke to the boys. I think it's good for children to know certain amounts without expecting them to shoulder responsibility.

Unfortunately I guess you do have to keep pushing for the help, don't give up or you will just hurt yourself.

Yay for the office lady! He will probably be most charming.

With the swimming, on those days would Ex pick up and then take DS2 into school? How many days are in between? Personally I would send a text early in the morning reminding that the kit needs to be taken into school. 'Can you please remind DS2 on to bring kit into school so can be ready for next lesson' - then ignore any response on you inserting yourself into his days. Or if you are having a Dobby hormonal day then reply that if you could be confident that he would have forethought and be responsible then you wouldn't need to, however he has proven time and time again that he is incapable of 'thinking' etc Lol. Make sure you remind DS2 that the kits needs to be taken straight back in, he is still young but he will have to learn at some point - unlikely he will remember but you can but try.

If DS2 finds himself at school without his kit then office lady needs to phone ex.

ex got back to me about work trip.
Freedom/SODA got back to me.

One more and I'll have a hat trick of responses!

I will Make A Plan for swimming.
Feeling much better today (not long back from a lovely run).

Good to hear! Have you looked at a pool that offers SwimTag? I started back swimming a couple of months ago, and it's brilliant - tracks your lengths/strokes etc and there are monthly challenges of various distances set in cool locations around the world. This month is Shark Alley, 10.25km in 30 days. I'm only .75km away from finishing, will easily manage it today as I've got myself back to a steady 1.5km in half an hour, which I can do on my lunch break a few times a week. You strike me as the sort of person who might like that kind of gamified workout.

Well, I was actually talking about swimming for DS2.

As for my own exercise, that's a whole thread in itself! My local pool doesn't have swimtag but I do keep asking them - so yes, you're right, it is something I would like.

For DS2 I got some more trunks yesterday and will keep a spare set of swim kit in the school office. I'm just not going to ask or try and rely on ex. At all.

Haha, I was thinking about you in the Cambridge lido! Making a plan for DS2 makes more sense - and I think you're quite right to simply have extras for him, and not rely at all on the ex. He's clearly incompetent, and you'll feel much less stressed every time you manage to bypass him.

The SODA drop-in involves doing craft. It's a way to be doing something if conversation hard but I just can't see me doing this. At all. I am def going to go though.

Had a bad day with my MH today.
Ups and downs.

Picked DS2 up. Dirty clothes. 1/2 inform 1/2 play clothes. No breakfast.
Ex didn't take him to Cubs. Ds cried - it was a hike. I am in tears myself (I'm Clarks).

*uniform
*in Clarks

Oh crap.

Did DS cry/complain to Dad?

So he's not stuck to the terms of the court ordered contact to take him to Cubs? Personally I'd stop contact and let him take you back to court... you are going to end up there eventually anyway as he doesn't think he should abide by the rules

Again you bring up about DS being left alone in dodgy hotel, being kept off school when ill and then going on bike ride - cafcass can't ignore these issues forever

KOKO

I have asked on legal board what 'best endeavours' means. Feel I've been duped by ex's barrister.
Can feel then sniggering...."oh just say best endeavour, doesn't mean you have to do it".

DS did ask his dad to take him, dad said no, DS didn't and again ("he won listen").

*ask
*won't

On phone!

Perhaps just say contact starts after cubs and he collect from there...

I really despise your ex because of how cruel he is to DS

Perhaps carry on taking down evidence so when it does return to court it gives DS wishes more strength. I would make a note of of DS response when you ask him "Did you as Dad to take you to cubs" helps create a picture of the situation.

Your ex is so selfish.

Good suggestion from Random. Could that work on a practical level?

Yikes...feeling bad about responses on Legal board. Don't think I'm up for a pasting.

In our CAO it says "UPON the respondent Father agreeing to use his best endeavours to encourage the child to attend "Cubs".

It's odd wording, makes it sound like it's DS who needs encouragement to attend.

If you feel strong enough then send him an email along the lines of how DS was upset as missing out on the hike and if ex can't be arsed to take him to activities then he will stay with you for any activity day, this includes possible parties. Whilst you are pissing him off you could add that you need all clothes and uniform returned each visit and if it's a long visit then they need to be laundered. If this is out of his capabilities then the whole access arrangements will have to be reviewed.

Completely understand if you are not ready to do similar to the above. Poor DS. I don't think it will be long before he refuses to go.

It's a very specific legal term which in essence means if a reasonable (used in the legal sense to me normal average person) could make it and requires him to exhaust all options available. Reasons not to do it would be illness, car breaking down, bereavement etc. Anything that would cause your reasonable parent to miss it. For example my DD is missing brownies as we are going to a funeral would be a valid reason

So he is breaking the order. It is a strict obligation to attend unless he has a good reason not too

I did respond over on the thread in legal. Basically I suggested that as you were meant to always have DS2 on Beaver days now he is in scouts the days should be changed.

Thanks Dobby, appreciated.
I very much doubt ex will be able to change his contact day as it's all based around his work (he only has DS2 when he's not working).

I am not up to telling/confronting ex.

Today he's asked me to provide written proof that in the event of my death DS2 will go to him. He can jog on with that. He can find out his rights himself. Of course DS would go to his father.

So, he's sent him back to me with his swim kit - though DS's next swim is on a day he should take the kit in, and he's given me the Cub badges to sew on, but no sweatshirt.

DS seems fine with knowing there will be a spare set of swim stuff in the office and that the office can ALWAYS phone me if anything is missing. I can't be arsed getting the office to call ex if it's 'his' day, I would just be anxious DS doesn't have what he needs. Anyone want to bet whether the goggles will find their way to the end of term?!

I'm still waiting for school liaison person to get back to me regarding DS getting some support. I'll chase that up next week.

Anyway, we had a nice evening! Just done my Tesco shop and got some nice things in for exam boy. Can't help him with his physics and maths, but I can make him scrambled eggs on a toasted muffin.

I usually go for my long run early Sunday, but DS2 has a tennis thingy tomorrow afternoon so I shall go then. So I get to lounge in my bed. Nice.

Thanks as always for your support.

It's more important that at the time that you do have any confrontation with him that you are strong enough to see it through, If you were to cave then he just knows if he goes on long enough he will get his own way. The more of a brick wall he hits the quicker these things are resolved. You will get there, I know it seems a long road but the damage he inflicted on you didn't happen overnight either.

A hard line would be if he can't take DS2 to cubs then he has him one less night and not a night that would be owed later.