The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Geez he really doesn't get that he's skating on thin ground does he...

Hugs KOKO & yes the Freedom Programme!

Argghhh his tone and attitude sticks! Do you think you do 'owe' (odd phrase for him to use in child access) these 3 days? Is DS2 ok with staying over on Monday?

Yay! To the freedom programme, I think that's great, you need the support and I hope in the long run it, coupled with the therapy, helps you to start to heal and then in turn you will feel stronger to deal with your arse of an ex.

I have no idea whether I 'owe' him 3 days. I am rising above it. I won't see DS2 until Wednesday now but I have some nice things planned and am going to look after myself.

DS2 off to Cub camp this evening for 2 nights. Ex asked me to deliver his stuff (all the camping gear is at my place so this is OK) this morning. I took it over after dropping DS1 at bus stop, but he didn't answer the sodding door (was probably on his bike). 20 mins wasted in my busy morning. I've left the bag at school, which is what I should have done all along.

Helping at the drop in centre today. I've been doing this since Xmas and I love it. A few hours a week helping others.

Feeling OK today. Still wobbly after yesterday's appt. I think it's the acceptance that I'm quite fucked up that is hard for me. But I'm feeling cared for supported and ready to take that help.

Well you know for the next time regarding dropping anything off. Just his stupid self centred games.

I hope DS2 has fun at camp.

Good to hear that you are ready to take the help, I don't think you are fucked up this is purely the damage that has been inflicted on you over a long period of time, I can't see how anyone would have come out of it completely unscathed. Damage can be repaired, there may still be the memory of it but sometimes in the long run it makes you a stronger person. Remember, you are already a survivor even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I think you're doing the right thing for you. I can hear how beaten down you've been feeling, and if you haven't got the energy for a fight, that's ok. Good to hear you're ok today. I hope DS2 has a great time at camp and DS1 isn't too stressed with his schoolwork.

He's saying I still 'owe' him 2 days and that DS can stay with him tomorrow (my day in term time).
It wasn't a question, but now he's sent txt asking yes or no.

If I say no it will cause me huge anxiety and he will have a come back. If I say yes I think he'll believe he's right in that I'm not a good mum and so easily hand him over.

I want to tell him to fuck off, stop messing with the days, ask what DS wants, question these days I apparently owe him, but that will get me nowhere.

Help...I don't know what to do

This is just the latest in continuing crap from him and I'm ill with it.

I feel so sorry for you reading this, I don't want you to feel alone. I've followed your threads for a long time and he is a complete and utter bastard for grinding you down so much for so long and for treating your son so badly. Please consider telling him "no" then turning off your phone for the night. Get some sleep if you can. If you say yes, he will never let up. Draw a line. No means no. No discussions. He is a total twat.

Hugs for you x

Thank you for replying (it's late I know). I do feel alone. I couldn't rest so I said yes to him. I don't have the strength to defy him.

I don't know how much longer I can do this for. I feel so, so low.

It doesn't matter that you have said yes this time, need to try and be prepared that he may make a habit of it so need to figure out how he thinks he is owed these days.... I'm not sure if that is possible though because it will take us understanding how his mind works. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that it's because of cub camp or something - but that wouldn't be something 'owed' to him that's just the way the cookie crumbles.

I fear there will be a next time so be prepared, I'm sure you already keep records though and if you can't see where they are owed then its his bizarre self obsessed mind.

How does DS feel about these other days?

I think you may need to take him back to court. He did not like the terms of the court agreement so he is slowly pushing at you to erode it and get back what he wants, simply because he wants to win

Thank you for your support.

I don't know how DS feels about this one as I haven't seen him (Tues is regular ex contact day).
I cannot afford court (both financially and emotionally) right now.

So, DS doesn't like the hot lunch today so we've agreed that rather than involve ex in packed lunches (which he doesn't 'believe in'), I will just run a packed lunch up to school. I did that this morning only to find that ex has called in with DS ill. I had NO idea and looked really foolish. Does ex have a duty to inform me if DS is not at school on his contact days? As a courtesy it would be nice. At least he did actually call the school this time.

That's it. Can't think about it any more today.

DS1 rarely sees his Dad these days.

I think eventually DS2 will follow the same path as DS1.

I suppose he doesn't have to tell you, although I hope he would if it was anything to be concerned about.

It will be interesting to see if DS is back in school tomorrow, I'm smelling a bit of a rat here. When exactly are you due to have DS2 back?

Manipulation is his game.

At some point you will need to deal with him, I understand you are really struggling right now but you can't do this for the next 10 years. Please discuss it with your therapist who may hopefully be able to work out a plan and help you through dealing with him and the effect he has on you. Small steps are fine.

Don't worry about bringing in the lunch when DS2 wasn't there, no one at the school will have given it more than a passing thought and you didn't look foolish at all. Yes it would be nice if ex let you know, but I doubt he's required to.

Take it easy today, hope you are feeling better after getting stuck into some work.

Did the court stipulate fixed contact during term time? If they did I would stick rigidly to the agreement.

He can have extra days in the holidays when it works for you...

Practice batting of his rants "That doesn't work for DS & I, I'll let you know in due course" broken record technique.

I think it will take you some time to get to the point where you can feel up to doing that but something to ponder.

Random Yes, the CO is quite clear. I didn't think of that. Don't suppose he'd think he needs to actually abide by it anyway.
My communication with him is all about getting it over and done with in the easiest way, and in doing so my judgement is clouded. My judgement's up the swanny anyway.

Ship The school office know what's what (small school). I hate getting upset in public.

Dobby I'm due to collect DS from after school club tomorrow.
Ex will have to tell me if he's not in school because I'll have to collect him when ex goes to work. God, I hope he doesn't want to drop him here.

I have done some good work today so I feel better about that at least.

If ex knew you were taking a lunch in for DS2 then he should at least tell you if it's not required any more.

Do you know if he was in school yesterday?

You keep a diary of the access dates? Best to then if there is ever any comeback from the school you can check how many of his sick days were when he was with Dad.

You already recognise it anyway but yes at the moment when a message from him comes up you want it to go away as fast as possible and the only way that happens is for you to agree to his demands. I suspect this time it also has a lot to do with the fact that DS2 was already with him when he asked.

Be careful this doesn't become more and more regular or you will be back at square one.

I think as far as the letter of the law goes, if days of contact are missed for whatever reason, you are not duty bound to make that up at a later date.

As always a degree of give and take is expected, but the only thing he gives is aggravation and the only thing he takes is the piss...

You'd be within your rights to tell him to fuck off no and take it back to court, but as always he'll find another way to make life miserable.

Hope the little one is holding up OK.

I think moving forward in term time you simply need to stick firm to the CO - all replies "Contact will be as per the CO, your request doesn't work for DS & I, I'll let you know in due course when you can have this extra time in the holiday" - stick to it like a broken record. There is nothing else up for discussion.

I would also say that from now on BH that do not fall in school holidays you will be sharing the school day and he will be collected at noon.

If he takes you back to court you can self-represent.

That is my suggestion, I think it would benefit DS to know that contact will be strictly as per the CO in term time as it gives him certainty and routine.

You are doing amazingly well and this is all baby steps in asserting yourself against such an abusive wanker.

Thank you all for your support today, it means a lot to me, and it really does help to have the opinion of those outside the situation, but who have followed what's going on and know how he works.

I will def stick to the CO from now, or at least try to. It helps to tell him it's the CO rather than me just being difficult and random to say that it's best for DS to stick to the routine.

Dobby yes he was in school yesterday. I took him!

Ex says DS is fine this evening so thankfully he'll be at school tomorrow and I won't have to interact with ex at all. I also have a meeting with the ED people so really need to go to that.

Random I took ex to court to get the CO and I self-represented. You still have court fees to pay and I just don't have that at the moment.

I am feeling OK this evening.

c3 I really, really want there to be give and take, I think that's why I didn't push for more in Court. It's good for all of us to have that, but I was too optimistic.

LO is OK. He's more settled at home now (not needing the night light and getting off to sleep better). Still has massive ups and downs, which is party his nature (DS1 would have coped much better in this situation at his age) and party him just trying to work things out.

I am gearing up to email ex with the dates of my next work trip (3rd week June). I told him way, way back (it's a conference I go to every 2 years), but flights are booked now so I know my exact itinerary.

Both of the boys are doing very well at school so I am thankful for that. In fact I am very proud of DS1 who is about to sit his A levels. The atmosphere at home is so much better for him than it was for his GCSEs.

Need to sort myself out really.

Glad you're feeling OK now, I can't imagine what it is like that he continues to pester you meaningless all in effort to control

Perhaps if he drags you to court for sticking to the CO and bending to his will in the holidays, he will get awarded to have to pay the court costs? Believe in yourself and that the courts saw through him and he's still continued to be an unreasonable shit and that will go against him.

You have come so far and done so well, KOKO

You know what's lovely?
That neighbours can pop over for a cup of tea. Never could do that before. And ex never let me put bird food out. My garden has lots of birds at the feeder now and it brings me a lot of happiness.

And the kids have friends over.

Simple, normal pleasures.

Random I can't let myself deal with everything that happened in the past until I'm free of him in the present. Or at least have means to cope. It's just too much. I hope the Freedom programme will help me with that.

Ex took DS2's passport to his place. I need it before he does and I checked with him whether it was valid. It's not and suddenly (knowing he'd have to pay) he insists that I have to do the renewal. Cock. But I'm happier with it here with me.

I'm doing all the student finance for DS1. Don't suppose ex will give a penny.

I'll stop rambling now.