The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

dobby I have pm'ed you.
A misunderstanding.

Thanks, I messaged you back.

Q. BH Monday.

DS2 is with ex this w/e. I normally collect DS2 from school on Monday. Is Monday my day or ex's?

I don't want to engage with him at all over it. What's the norm?

Urgh, I don't think there is a norm...

I would just assume it's his day and arrange to collect DS at the end of the school day time. If he doesn't want DS he'll soon let you know... It's not worth the fight unless DS state he definitely wants to spend the day with you rather than DF

I actually don't mind what happens, I just want to know.
Happy to have DS of course, but happy to catch up with work as well.

DS wouldn't tell ex he wanted to be with me and even if he did ex would not enable it to happen.

I'd say it's not the weekend. So unless he's asked/ decided to change days.... which let's face it he has form for doing. You should be able to spend Monday with you're son.

Do you usually do the pick ups? I don't think there is a way to not engage about it tbh.

You can write "I'll come collect DS at x o'clock" he may well then throw his dummy out and insist he keeps DS... "Err, calm down! I'll collect him at 3pm seeing as though that is the equivalent to the end of the school day and he needs to be back ready for school on Tuesday."

I usually pick up after multi sports at school at 4.15pm.

I txt him, he replied "with me", I've replied that I'll collect DS2 at 4.15 as normal. He'd better be OK with that.

I guess if a BH falls on a Monday after a w/e DS is with me then he'll just stay with me. Less toing and froing for DS2 at least.

Indeed, fight your battles. He is still showing what a prick he is and it's all documented. How reasonable you are being and how abusive he is being

His reply "bit later".

Stick to my guns or ask him what time or suggest another time? FFS. Messes with my head.

I would refer him back to the contact schedule if possible?

"This isn't school holidays therefore I will collect him at the usual term time of 4.15pm"

Depends which you feel is the best approach - are you able/prepared to have the fight? It's very difficult to advise is he is so controlling and abusive so I don't know whether you keeping the peace at any cost is the better option?

The response I suggested is very reasonable and fair so it's about your ability to tolerate him kicking off...

As resident parent any threats to not adhere to it, or the first time he doesn't return him at the agreed time you can then actually refuse contact and insists he take you back to court.

Ultimately I think it will come to that so it depends how you want to play it?

Unfortunately when you are flexible he then tends to keep pushing it.

I think what Random says is fair enough, he does have school the next day and you haven't seen him all weekend. Sadly he doesn't work on what's fair.

He will probably just do what he likes though or give you a hard time so it's a no win I'm afraid.

Maybe I just won't reply at all. Keeping the peace was my default for so many years and it feels like I am still bloody tied to him if I do that.
It's just damaging my MH so much to keep fighting though.

Any decent reasonable person would have said 'would it be ok for pick up to be a bit later' and then give a time. I say that because from 4.15 is your time.

Now, considering you posted at 3.30 am shows how much of this is affecting you, so you need to do whatever appears best for your mental health in any given day.

You know why he addresses you in this manner, you know the mind games that he plays and you know it's not 'you'. I'm hoping in time the counselling will help and considering that dealing with him is having such a negative impact on your mental health I hope that aspect will be given priority.

In the meantime do you have any family close by who can take over dealing with him and collection of DS2? If I lived close enough I would gladly do it for you. Although knowing how I am now and the insight of how he is I would end up either in hospital or prison. Lol

Be kind to yourself.

I know! He just makes every dialogue SO complicated. It's a repeat of Good Friday, when rather than ask politely he simply demanded what he wanted. I don't want him to come to the house either.

I have continued to ignore it. I imagine at some point he'll txt me to tell me what time to collect DS2. Maybe I will be out [checks cinema listings]

Yes, I'm not sleeping well at all. I am normally a night owl but was shattered last night and in bed by 11pm. I did go back off thankfully.

I don't have family nearby unfortunately. Very good friends who I know I could ask, but I am reserving those favours for more urgent things.

Really crappy evening.
DS1 moody with me because I wouldn't collect him 3 mins early.

DS2 frankly just being a brat. I know he's testing me and I was doing ok, but after a whole evening of it I just lost it at bed time, left him to it and did some sweeping in the garden. I know I need to go to and cuddle him but I am on the verge of sobbing.

MH appt tomorrow so that's on my mind. Really struggled to focus on work at the moment.

OK, so I calmed down and went to see DS2. He was all in a funk so I left him. Back again 10 mins later and he was ready to talk. He's so angry.
I snuggled in with him and he told me how his mornings go. Sounds rubbish. I think I need to get some counselling for the wee lad, or find someone he can talk to.

The school may well be able to help with that? CAMHS criteria is so strict you'd have a long wait even if accepted.

If school can't offer anything and you have £ I'd go private tbh!

I think that's a good idea for DS2 and (in my opinion) you don't need to make a point of telling ex, if he finds out then so be it but it's not something you need his permission to do.

When you say his mornings is that the mornings with his Dad or every morning?

Sorry you are having such a rubbish and testing time right now. I hope tomorrow goes ok.

I do not have the £££. The divorce saw to that.

I'll investigate.

I absolutely would not tell ex. DSs complaints are all about him (though maybe he's just the same talking about me to ex).

Mornings with Dad's are the problem.

Appt was very, very hard, but I'm in the right hands to get on the road to recovery.

Just here to hold a hand. Very glad to hear you feel secure with your MH team.

Can you self refer a child on the NHS, if not your GP should be able to refer him (unless I'm completely out of date).

The appointments will be hard to begin with but worth it in the long run.

Ex now says DS will stay with him Monday night. I don't have the strength to keep fighting. Apparently it's one of the 3 days I owe him.

In more positive news it looks like there is a Freedom programme more locally to me. I've wanted to go but been unable to justify whole morning off work to go for 12 weeks.
I really feel it's the right time for me to talk about it all, and cry and get support. I felt a bit outside it before but I feel I belong now. Don't know if that makes sense.