The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

I think you really need to very carefully pick your battles.

You could keep a list of dates and times of more minor "dangerous issues" that occur and either not contact him about them or tag them on to any communication about more serious points that do need making.

I think you need to really detach, I know this is very difficult when he has a lax attitude to DS safety but unless it is significant for SS/the courts to back you then he will merely use it to humiliate/abuse/control you.

Is DS happier that he is spending more time with you and the routine is better?

We'd agreed he'd collect DS from my home, and the time (the time he suggested - midday). He then moved it 1/2hr earlier. I told him DS wouldn't be back till agreed time.
He said "ok, no later than midday".

He actually came at 11.45 and started thumping in my front door. It was scary. I answered and told him DS would be with him at midday and closed the door. He carried on banging. I told him to stop banging. He carried on a bit and then wandered off. If he had been reasonable I could have sent DS out 10 mins earlier, but instead I drew the curtains and kept him with me.
That will be the last time he comes here to collect him - unless it's an emergency.

That's scary, FV. You dealt with it really well, though. Keep documenting. I hope you're feeling better now .

Dickheads gonna be dickheads. It goes with the territory. You, on the other hand, whether you feel it or not, continue to rock.

Think you would have been well within reason to phone the police!! His behaviour is outrageous.

Still not offering hit man services C3?
Hello BTW.

I agree with C3, you were well within your rights to phone the police. What an arse! Just horrible for you and what's worse is you have to hand over your son to someone acting so aggressively, in fact under those circumstances I feel you would have been within your rights to refuse to hand over DS over fears of Ex's temper.

Should there be a next time then shout out you are calling the police and if he continues then do it, its not fair on you or DS2.

But I have to say I am really proud of you - it was terrifying but you stood your ground and for once his abusiving bullying ways didn't get him his own way.

Hiya FV :)

Hit man you say?

If I ever fancy a career change I'll bear it in mind. Think I'd bump your ex off for free though and do the world a favour...

Frankly I'm surprised you haven't garrotted him yourself with a stolen sock, or inserted a bicycle somewhere imaginative... Your restraint is admirable.

It didn't occur to me to call the police. I have neighbours who would have come out with pitch forks if needed.

TBH I was just trying to keep calm for DS2, nothing else was on my mind.

Where does he usually collect him from?

An option is that he is not permitted on your premises - driveway/path/doorstep - he has to wait in his car/on the pavement and you will send DS out at the agreed time (ie court agreed time!)

I usually do all the dropping and collecting. Nothing specified about who does what in the CO.

We have times set out for term time, but not holidays - they were keen (quite rightly) for us all to be flexible and mature (ha fucking ha). He has caused me so much grief this holiday, changing times, bugging me, saying he's owed more days etc.
I can't face going back to court yet.

Can you use the term time pattern for the hols.

He is such a nasty abusive controlling prick

How is your DS, has he benefitted from the better regime this half term?

As resident parent you have more power, perhaps it's time to use it? Offer him what works for you and if he turns it down win/win situation for you?

More

I know you will face possible backlash from him but is it worth you putting it all down in writing to him? List out all the issues and state that if arrangements can't be organised better and conducted in a mature manner - then you will have no other choice but to go back to court for the holiday arrangements to be set in stone. Yeah, I am cringing as I'm suggesting that.

Maybe leave it for now and do your best prior to the summer holidays to get arrangements made and somehow make it clear that you expect him to not mess around with the arrangements and times.

Still, you stood your ground and should he decide again to turn up outside of the agreed time then he knows he will be waiting in the cold. Be prepared he may keep you waiting when you collect DS.... just as payback, pathetic specimen that he is.

How is DS2 coping now?

DS1 must have his exams soon, DD has her AS's looming. Hope they go well for him and he doesn't get too stressed out.

Would he behave any more reasonably if you had a neighbour with you if he ever picks DS2 up from your house again?

I know you have to walk on eggshells for DS2's sake. What would happen if you said no every time he tries to change a time?

Would it work if you arranged to meet somewhere neutral and if he misses the agreed time +15 minutes, he misses contact. These are just suggestions, you know what will and won't work.

More abusive texts.
Hate him.

Sorry, you've given me suggestions and asked some good questions.

I will read properly and respond soon.

DS2 seems more stable with me which is good. He's full of anger about what happens with dad though.
DS1 in full A level mode with accompanying drama!

I'm ok. Controlling my life through exercise and my eating, which is crap but I can't get myself out of it at the moment.

Work is going better though. I'm better able to focus on the tricky stuff.

A couple of you asked about therapy etc.
My GP has been amazing. Quickly got referral through for primary MH team who escalated it to secondary MH and I see them next week.

I'm all in a funk. I guess 20 years of abuse is enough to unhinge the best of us. It's hard to move on from it when I'm still dealing with it, albeit not in the crushing way it was before.

I hope you're able to access support soon. Glad to hear DS2 is more settled with longer stretches with you. I'm so sorry to hear ex continues to be an abusive arse. Is there any chance of contact being arranged solely through a 3rd party so that you can block him?

Urgh can you block his number and stick to emails?

Although it does all build more evidence ready for the next court case...

I could find ways to block him and reduce contact to a minimum, but I feel DS2 would suffer.

ex now has to take DS2 to Cubs on Friday. DS is new to Cubs so all new time etc. Friday is not my day with DS. I sent ex contact details for the leader so he could get in touch with her and ensure he's getting emails.
That should be all I have to do.

Yet, he badgered me for details, ending up saying that if I didn't tell him DS wouldn't go. On one hand he tells me not to interfere on his days, and on the other he asks me for instructions on what to do.

If we have no contact DS will miss out. I'm not being a martyr about it, I really don't want to have any contact with ex, but while he's incapable of taking responsibility I feel I need to pick things up.

Glad you are seeing therapist next week, hope they are good.

Re eating etc., all you can do is be mindful of how you are and do your best, all actions have a reaction and this is yours. On good days try and eat little and often.

The abusive texts were over cubs? Gosh he really can't manage the simplist things in life can he! I really can't see what there was to panic about, it probably was more down to him being reluctant to do something for DS2 that doesn't involve something ex wants to do.

Whilst I do think standing up for yourself is good I think sometimes it's best to go with the flow, i.e. If he asks for details then just give it to him and if he doesn't then don't offer it. Don't try and work him out - he will never play fair.

OK, well I'm not going to defend how I reacted. I can't (at the moment) change how he makes me feel.

Be kind to yourself, it takes a long time to change your instinctive reaction to anything.

You will always be the bigger better person putting DS first.

FV45, not sure if my post came across not how it was intended or if I'm misinterpreting your response. It was meant to be supportive and understanding, sorry if it doesn't read that way.