The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Thank you betty. I do feel stronger but a mess as well!

Join the club, may our messes be glorious and our children well loved. It's gong to be ok. One step at a time, or in your case one run at a time, in spotty running tights and bright pink socks!

Ha! You really have read the whole thread.

Said spotty tights now have hole in knee due to incident involving telegraph pole.

Feeling sad, but not sure if I am over reacting.

Friend just told me of a letter from the PTA in book bags yesterday. DS2 was with ex so I haven't seen it. It's a first come first served event next Fri (a night when DS is with ex).

I just need to stay out of it, but I feel sad (like on the verge of tears sad) that I know this is something DS would love but I have to let ex be the parent. Me asking ex if he's seen the letter or responded just gives him power over me (either he won't respond, or he'll tell me to butt out of his days - fair enough I guess).

I do wish the school would use parentmail. They do for most things, but I can't ask the PTA - it's my problem. I did mention to a good friend who is on the PTA but heck, they do enough as it is.

..and the friend just can't see how I'm struggling, thinks she was doing me a lovely favour (it is of course entirely well intended, she is lovely), but she just doesn't understand the conflict.

It's not just a case of ex and I communicating about DS's needs - there's a whole underlying current of control and abuse.

I need to not reply to her and as I will upset her.

Those audio books are a bit expensive but really worked well, my son has an iPad and I downloaded them from iTunes, he really enjoyed all the David Williams books, the only pain was finding where he got up to as he had fallen asleep whilst listening, but nonetheless, a small price to pay. The key is just getting them to relax and asleep in the first instance, be good if he can start off in his bed and come into you if he wakes, but whatever works right now, I can guarantee that by the time he is 11 or so he won't be getting into bed with you, it will naturally resolve itself.

I really want you to start focussing on what you have survived and what you have achieved. If you were out of control, weak and feeble you wouldn't have been able to do it, so you must be fundamentally a strong person. He has just done his upmost to bury that in you, but it hasn't worked. You have set goals and you have seen them through to the end.

It's still the frustration that upsets you and that's understandable, you want DS2 to not miss out on events etc., let this one go and see how things pan out with the new arrangement. DS2's wishes should come first and if ex continues to ignore them then other changes will have to be made. He is a fool if he does, he will lose not only in court but with his son as well.

Delurking to mention that if you subscribe to audible, you can get a book every month for £8. It works out a lot cheaper that way than buying the books individually. You can set a sleep timer on the app so you don't get too far past the point where they fell asleep.

I'm so glad to hear you're getting proper help for your mental health. You've been so strong through all of this.

You folk are very kind.

DS has a kindle. I'll get him a book on that for this evening and then look into audible.

Ah ha, got an Audible free trial and have downloaded The Butterfly Lion by Michael Morpurgo.

I can't thank you enough, I really think this will work. I'll let you know.

The Book people have

David Walliams stories 27 cd for £14.00

and

Micheal Morpurgo stories 27cd's for £14.00 in a flash sale at the moment.

Thanks clutter but (strangely enough) we don't actually have a wee CD player I could use for him.

Actually we did have, but ex took it, and that one used to be DS1's anyway.
Bla bla.

So the first thing DS mentioned when I collected him from after school club was the event next Friday. I've heard that it's already full. I just asked him whether he showed Dad the form. Yes, he said, but Dad didn't fill it in. I breezily just said there would be other times and maybe Dad had plans for the evening it's on anyway. He was fine.

Next issue is the missing PE kit. Ex picked him up last day of 1/2 term. PE kit hasn't been seen since. Do I just go ahead and replace it (again) or what? Is it just going to be the way that the responsible parent ends up picking everything up?

That's ok.

I would text Ex and tell him DS needs his PE kit which was taken to his house on the last day of term, and that he needs to find it and return it to DS this weekend. But I may also buy a new one (if not that expensive) and ask DS teacher to only give it to you as EX keeps losing them and you don't want DS to get into trouble for not having it.

Glad he was fine. Did DS2 say to his Dad that he wanted to go? I hope he is not fussed about it and not that he knew it was a lost cause because he knew his Dad wouldn't take action.

Missing PE kit, no you shouldn't keep replacing it. Send an email and ask ex to deliver it to school. Don't expect a reply or get upset if he does reply and is defensive, you know you are in the right. Does DS2 cope ok without all his kit? My son would seriously have a melt down!

Today's the day the order starts! Just wanted to pop on and say congratulations. Hope you and your boys are doing ok.

Think of you often FV, hope all is ok

Thank you.

Unfortunately I am not doing so well.
My mental health has plummeted and is manifesting itself in very unhealthy ways. I am getting help. I guess this thread isn't really the place for this now.

DS1 now has all uni offers in so will decide soon.
DS2 still very unsettled.
Ex being an arse.

Dearest FV45,
I have lurked and read and cheered and groaned silently from the sidelines, but I saw your latest update and wanted to send you love and support. You have been through such tremendous hardship, I wish you a full recovery and you and yours much love and strength, damndoor x

No surprise ref: the arse

This thread can be for whatever you want it to be. You know my history and where I am if you need to chat.

Fantastic news regarding DS1!

It will take a while for DS2 to be more settled. Bit of a vicious cycle going on as the more he appears to struggle the more your mental health suffers and vice versa. I'm hoping as he settles into the new arrangement he will be a little better and in turn your mental health will benefit. Do what is right for DS2, if you think he would benefit from outside help then arrange it, ex can protest as much as he likes, personally I wouldn't go out of my way to tell him anyway.

Are you on the waiting list for therapy for you? Sadly before it starts to help you have to rake everything up, that can be difficult.

You have come so far and achieved to much, I hope one day you realise what a survivor you are and how strong you must be for getting through it.

Oh, and ex will always be an arse, don't expect anything different from him.

So the ex proves once again that you are doing the right thing!!

I hope your GP is helpful to you, and that you can find a good psychologist or counsellor to help you through all this. You really have had a tough time and anyone would need help by now!! I often think living with addicts, incompetent people, ignorers, etc. makes the partner/spouse become ill themselves. It is not a fault of yours, but a reaction to the situation, so I wish you good help and much strength.

Handing your 8 year old son to his dad when he really doesn't want to go. Nothing I can do as his mother

Oh FV, that's hard.

I think you do right by encouraging him to go, however, if it continues and becomes clear that he is deeply unhappy and doesn't enjoy any aspect of his visits then you will need to do something. Trouble is that no one will only take your word for it, DS2 will need to vocalise it. I don't know the best way you to advise you, perhaps applying back to court for reduced visits? Or I guess you could stop contact and wait for ex to take you to court. Either way it means more stress for you.

It hasn't got to that stage so I need to just carry on.
I, however, need to reduce/stop contact with ex. Until I am free of him I cannot deal with the past. I know that now.
He drove with DS leaning against his bike on the back seat of the car. Dangerous and illegal and DS had the wheel pressed in his back.
I txt ex to tell him what DS had told me and that it was dangerous and illegal. That's all. No threats. No telling him what I thought. He threw it right back in my face saying how I had been caught speeding. It made me cry - he's right. That I was not discussing that is not open for debate. I reply and I get anxious, I ignore and he's sitting there all smug with that "you know I'm right" attitude. I didn't reply.

Just his usual bully boy tactics, no concern over the comfort or safety of his son. You did the right thing by raising the issue, you had to - he is just to used to shutting people up by bullying. You know he won't admit any fault in himself because that may open up a flood gate of realisation of what an mess up he actually is. (Me being polite).

Personally I think you do need to still speak up for your son when necessary (the big things) but you need to expect that kind of reaction from him, let him point score if it makes him feel better at least you've said it.

I'm afraid you've got a few more years of this crap ahead of you, regardless of whether you say anything or not, perhaps have help on learning how to not let him effect you so deeply.

I'm sorry, I know it's not easy.