The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Ack, 2 years! Apologies for my bad math.

Good luck with pick up in the morning!

Well you know any nastiness etc. and you can troop back to court and it will only go badly for him as they've already seen him for what he was.

So proud of you FV, you have kept going, you have withstood such awful emotional abuse and put your DSs' first and foremost. You are an amazing lioness

Just stay focussed on the purpose of why you are there, collecting DS2 and checking belongings. He would know the recommendation from cafcass if he still wants to make uncomfortable then it shows just how self centred he is. It doesn't really help but the less you show he is effecting you the quicker he will get bored. Be 'whatever' and then come on here if you need to vent.

I've been following your thread, l haven't posted much as I thought others would be better to advise you.

Well done...justice at last!

If he makes it awkward, try to ignore him. Remember, that if you then decide to go through a third party you will be justified and he cannot say anything about it.

Meh...txt to tell me to collect 15 mins later. Sent him back to me with dirty school shoes, dirty (normal) shorts and dirty body.
No biggie but will keep everything noted.

Well done FV45. Your outcome has given me hope and faith in the system after all. It does indeed seem apparent that sense is more common this I have recently thought 😀

Yup, the system did come right in the end and arguably for the most important step i.e. DS.

Now I have a right shocker of a cold. I felt elated and relieved for the first few days with a sense of anticipation for my brighter future. I came down from that on Sunday and have felt quite out of sorts and drained. The past 2 years are catching up with me I suspect, as well as feeling I can now start to unravel the years of mess.

I am logging things still i.e. Still no reply about work trip. I'm going to get it booked tomorrow anyway.

Yes I am expecting a massive crash when mine is over, I can only imagine you'd want a month of just lying down to get over it. As for the logging, probably a hard habit to break 😀. Good for you, really delighted.

The logging will be needed if ex breaches the court order.

Lie down for a month you say???
Hmm well it's 1/2 term next week and I've got a few days off with DS and working the rest, but not clock watching so should be a calmer.

Is your story somewhere obvious? I'd like to support people where I can.

Enough I have just given your thread a bump, hope that's ok. Do let off steam if you need to, sometimes that helps even if none of us actually have any answers. Will keep a look out for your thread. Must be great to read that there is light in the end.

It certain is great to know there is light. This post actually lifted a weight off my shoulders when I saw it. You know when you feel like the world is against you and no-one can see what you can? There is so much more I want to write but I am so scared of this guy that I worry about outing myself and then he will do even more stuff to me (nothing physical, just emotional).

Just checking in.
DS2 gone to London (again, on bikes, again) till Friday.
DS crept in to bed with me this morning crying. Said he didn't want to go
Ex refused to collect DS from my house even though he's on leave and I'm working.

But I'm ok. Balancing out after the high and then the low. I need to get emotionally stronger and I know I am using exercise and eating as something I can control. Not sure if I need some counselling. On the outside I'm fine, but in the inside I know I'm not right.

Oh and still no reply about work trip. I'd say he's gone way over "reasonable time". All logged.

for your boy. So angry at that prick who thinks he above the law.

I guess it looks like you will be back in court, although being positive it means DS will have to endure less contact moving forwards...

Did the agreement not specify pick up and drop off arrangements?

Hugs FV, i think counseling would be good for you, someone to help you process the huge emotional toil the abusive bastard is having on you all still.

Thanks random.
The Order doesn't start until 7th March.

We did agree term time collect time, but not holidays. While part of me wanting to get every single details cast in stone, I knew that showing some flexibility would go in my favour and also I don't want to shoot myself in the foot if I need some flexibility e.g. asking ex to mind DS2 for a bit longer when I'm driving DS1 here, there and everywhere. I don't know whether I did the right thing.

I have made a big step - contacted Beat (eating disorder help line).

Well done you on contacting Beat.

But he's not let you know about the work cover, he is "refusing" to collect when it is the non-resident parent that would usually do all the running around - Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Ultimately you may just have to go down the ultra tight prescriptive route... but you and DS will know that you tried and that counts for so much. I suspect in a few years DS really will only tolerate minimal contact.

The order doesn't specify who does the running around. Is it normally the non-resident parent then? I can dream on about that!

The work trip is end of march (another one in June probably) and all booked now. I have offers from friends to look after DS2 and DS1 is big enough to look after himself, but hopefully his dad will help with lifts and stuff.

Beat replied. I feel very anxious but good that I'm acknowledging that even though the badness is over, I still have issues - ones which are controlling me.

Not feeling good at all today.

I spoke to my GP. He suggested that I had cut down my AD dose too soon so I've gone back up a bit (still quite a low dose). I was brave at told him about my disordered eating and exercise (never has being honest been so hard) and he's referring me to a psychiatrist.

Meanwhile, I've had DS2 for the past 3 days and we've had a good time, but he is really struggling at bed time. Apparently ex has been telling him stories of the devil (FFS). My previously good little sleeper has turned into an anxious boy who wants the light on, needs music and me snuggled with him to get to sleep. Or he reads until really late.
He told me that when he goes to bed at ex's house, ex goes out (leaving him with his housemate), but he has to just get on with any sleeping worries as housemate is occupied with her own DD (quite rightly too).
Ex and I are not on good enough terms to discuss this - he would deny, laugh it off or just ignore me.

I am on my own until 6.30pm today trying to work but feeling really out of sorts.

I have lots of friends I could call upon (txt or call) but I just don't feel like it.

He is such an emotionally abusive bastard.

Document, document, document, this is such valid grounds to reduce his overnight contact even further

If you are happy to do so let DS2 sleep with you, just wish he could take a night time transitional item with him. I really think as soon as DS2 is able to have his wishes taken into account that he won't want to see your Ex anymore although he will be likely too scared to stand up to him

Did the court order actually specify what contact Ex has or is literally just "generous"?

It's all documented.
I don't really mind him sleeping with me wriggly little bugger that he is.
I know it is a huge comfort for him to roll over in the night and put his arm around me. I love it too. He's only 7. Indeed, he is reluctant to tell his Dad how he feels as "Daddy gets stroppy".

The CO is specific as to what the days are, but it doesn't kick in until 7th March. Hopefully things will settle a bit more then.

My referral has gone through already and I have a hosp appt in less than 2 weeks. I don't know whether to be pleased or terrified my GP is taking it so seriously. I guess that's the issue - I don't know myself.

Anyway, off to running club this evening and then to the cinema with a friend. This will do me good, it's been a long day.

Roll on the 7th March I really hope it makes DS much happier, 7 is so young, such a long time to have to put with him for

Hey, I'm sorry I completely missed your updates.

All you can do right now is see how it all pans out from March onwards. I honestly feel it would be good for DS2 to see someone, I know he is close to you but it does sound like he is struggling somewhat and I know from experience how quickly anxiety disorders can manifest and how crippling they can be. Perhaps see how he settles with the new arrangements and find him someone if needs be.

Why would you tell a 7 yr old stories about the devil!

When I went through this with my son (anxiety, night terrors) I used talking books to help settle him, it worked as he would listen to the story and fall asleep with it playing.

Well done for contacting BEAT, recognising an issue is half the battle. And yes, its all about control when you feel your life and your emotional well being is being controlled by a negative force and you feel helpless.

Oh and PS, it is usual for the non resident parent to pick up and drop off, hopefully in the future you will feel more confident to let him get on with it, if he refuses to pick him up then he doesn't see him.

Just read through your all your posts and wanted to say well done you. Good luck with your Beat and Psychiatrist support going forwards. Much admiration for your strength in facing the future positively.

Hello dobby

Thank you for your kind words.

The audio books are a really great idea, thank you!
I've had to accept that I've made the wrong decision in taking myself off for a swim at 9.15pm some nights when he's in bed but not asleep (DS1 minds him). Told myself that I should be able to have a 1/2hr swim at the end of the day, but actually my priority must be DS2. My exercise is all part of my mental health issues so needs to be sorted out.

I have asked him whether he would speak to someone at school about things that trouble him, but he is reluctant. Ex will go mad if he gets wind of me getting help for DS.

Ex still has the power to reduce me to tears by a single txt.