The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Hi. Just been catching up with events and delurking to voice a possibly irrelevant and irrational unease... it's just the thing about him making out that he's the main carer (not sure if that's the proper term used)...

From HIS standpoint re the letter to you, rather than seeing it as him having to compromise, could he be setting up a situation where he's "granting you the opportunity" to step up your parenting/highlight your lack of time for ds2? Could he argue that he's chosen to put ds2 first, before gainful employment, whereas you, to all intents and purposes, are more interested in putting work first and childcare second?

I have no experience of this kind of situation at all, but I just get this feeling reading his random comments that he wholeheartedly believes he is the "superior" parent in all this, that if he wasn't doing what he does then ds2 would be floundering in your care. My fear would be that he could, in his warped way, enable those in authority to see and understand his point of view.

Maybe I'm overreacting but I wouldn't give him an inch, wouldn't underestimate him and anything that he might have up his sleeve. I just feel he's on a bit of a softly, softly mission, and is playing a long game...

Maybe I'm missing the mark here but it seems to me that this is the time for you to kind of detach and step right back from yr ex's approach/terms of reference. Use this opportunity to get your own clarity, to hone and focus on the exact terms you want for ds2's ongoing wellbeing.

Imagine this time next year.

What will life be like? How do you see ds2? How do you see yourself? What can you do now to ensure you get that best possible outcome? Look at how far you've come in recent months. Now is the time for you to sow seeds, for you to invest in your future with ds2, and, yes... with yr ex doing his bit too...

Apologies if this is a bit ranty, but I was a bit spooked and i'm a bit tired but had to comment...

The details FV shared gave her a (slim) majority of the care, and none of the "I'm a good dad" bollocks will make it's way into any court order.

If the solicitors try to push FV into signing a "mediated" agreement that has any bullshit about how good a parent either of them is, I'd demand it all stripped out and just agree on the cold hard child arrangements.

Thanks for saying what I wanted to say, but more succinctly.

So upset when I collected DS2 this morning. Ex handed him over in filthy school shoes (I know it's muddy weather but a quick wipe over would be good), shorts, t.shirt and dirty school sweatshirt. No coat. Plus bag of dirty inform. I had to go to Tesco for some bits and felt so embarrassed for him (and me). Bought him a better top just to tide him over till we could get home, bathe him and put clean weekend clothes on.
I'm so happy to have him this weekend though. Seeing the (ex) in laws for dinner. DS2 won't even remember the last time he was at their house.

Also, DS was home poorly with me mon and tues. Ex collected him tues, took him to pub to watch whole football match in the evening, then let him sleep in on Wednesday, then took him on very long all day bike ride.

Kept him up till about 10pm last night from what i can gather and now DS flopping about really tired.

What is his obsession with taking out DS2 on long bike rides regardless of whether he's well enough or even wants to go?

My response to him making out to be the "better" parent would include many examples of when he has put himself before DS NEEDS - including this sort of regular shit that he pulls. So the comment of time does not equal parenting, plus a list of what true parenting includes versus him officially having DS in his care and doing f*ck all parenting. He is worse than a Disney Dad as he doesn't even do things DS wants to do!!!

As c3 said earlier none of the parenting stuff will come into it if we can agree an Order that the judge signs off.

I will give my side of things to his sol for the sake of my pride.

Personally I think that a married couple taking their child abroad for an extended period is a different scenario than one parent doing so. Education is one argument and 10 years down the road schools are fuller and may not be so easy to re enrol but most importantly he would now be removed from one parent for a long time. If it were me and I was asked I would say you will have to take me to court, I wouldn't agree. No idea what the courts stand point would be.

Your solicitor told you to compile the response?

Reply sent! Wrung out.

dobby Technically I don't really have a sol. My divorce one kindly talked to me for an hour on the phone FOC. I'd have to pay her to send the response.
I may need to meet with her next week depending on what twaddle I get back.

Can I watch Silent Witness now or do I have to go to bed (6am bastard alarm)?

Were you basically agreeing with the proposal?

I will be binge watching silent witness this evening, hope you chose bed or you are probably regretting it now. Lol

Did sol explain exactly what the term 'living with' entails?

I have agreed in principal, with some additions and some clarification and tightening up of things. Then I emailed some other things this morning.

I didn't watch SW or go to bed straight away. Fail!

Yes, she explained what Live With meant. Now I am just waiting for a response. Shame ex didn't start this well before now.

I really hope this brings resolution to certain issues. I think ex will always be a pain (sadly) but hopefully the key issue of contact is resolved it might make it a little more bearable.

Its quite sad how he is with the boys as it's only going to negatively impact on his relationship with them as the grow and mature. Whilst I don't believe in putting children in the middle and picking away at their other parent I do think that you can be honest with DS2 re having to take him to DS1 bus, in as much as if Dad would do some then he wouldn't have to be 'dragged there' every morning. If it wasn't so infuriating it would be hilarious that he has used the fact you have to care for DS1 (his son) against you!

cafcass called. Thud.
Good call, BUT I have to put things in place at the hearing to ensure ex does not find out about the police reports and the non-molestation order.

I can speak to court usher or the cafcass person there on the day and request the judge NOT read out that part of their report.

I had NO idea that ex might ever find out about the failed non-mol. Once again the legal system failing to protect those who have been subjected to DV. I will try and seek reassurance from my sol.

I was surprised that she wanted to know so much about the EA history, having been told by others it's all about moving forward. That the DSs were exposed to EA IS entirely relevant.

IF it goes in my favour then it could be really good - minimal contact with ex, and him given undertakings to not be a knob.

It's going to be a tough wait until the 1st Feb. Not sleeping well again and getting obsessed with exercise and I'm not eating well. But I know it's part of the process.

Hurrah for some good news. Yes CAFCASS should be bl**dy interested in the EA and DV that went on, that is the point of them - to obtain information so they can ascertain what is best for the DC!!

I cannot imagine how stressed/worried you are dealing with this, sometimes the waiting is worse than the potential outcome.

More

Vague response from ex's sol. I find them SO infuriating. Why not write in plain English? do not expect lay people to understand the specific terms I use in my line of work.

Well it doesn't cost you anything to get him to clarify:

"__" does that mean x or y?

Alternatively (or as well ) post in legal here the exact phrases you want help to understand?

Oh I've asked, I'm just annoyed.
Actually the legalese was in her letter last week (which I do understand now), today's is more unclear about the next steps.

ARgh, so frustrating!

Hopefully it will become clearer. Sorry you are struggling again but it's understandable with this hanging over you.

Tbfh it's in the solicitors best interests to drag things out. They make more money that way.

Just be glad it's your ex's pockets they are emptying, not yours... I expect his solicitors bill far exceeds the amount you've spent on the CAO application and mediation fees by now...

c3pu - my thoughts exactly plus the fact ex has probably learnt that he is being utterly unreasonable and ridiculous and can't have what he wants - and has paid to be told that!!!!

Does ex get charged for the sol writing to me?

He gets charged for everything his solicitor does!!! It's probably £50 per letter or something, could be way more!

Well, it doesn't really bring me much joy since his assets are pretty much all from my earnings and the money I've spent on all this was set aside for our children.

Yikes...have asked for some advice on legal and it has me very, very worried that ex will learn of the non-mol

Strictly speaking it was only partially failed, you chose to withdraw (for your own good reasons).

What's the worse thing that will happen? He may gloat, he may try and put you down etc - hold your head up high and just let him do one if you don't want to discuss or defend. It will only set to remind you why you divorced him in the first place.

The only reason he is still on your radar is because of the boys, other than that he isn't worth your time.