The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

I have no concrete proof.

Oh I see. It does seem ridiculous though, how on earth are you expected to have proof of anything that happens when you child is not with you? Difficult.

I guess that's why the professionals come in.

I am not a professional and don't want to come across as vengeful ex-wife.

Q. is it unreasonable of me to ask ex to swap days with DS2 or does the fact we have 50:50 care mean that I should just work within that?

There is something I want to do on a Saturday DS2 is meant to be with me and there is something I'd like to do with DS1 on a Sunday DS2 is meant to be with me. I obv don't want to arrange childcare on w/e when DS2 is with me, especially if it's just something I want to do, not an important engagement.

Moot point really as I know ex will be unwilling to swap, I'm just wondering what the expectation is.

Q. is it unreasonable of me to ask ex to swap days with DS2 or does the fact we have 50:50 care mean that I should just work within that?

No, it absolutely not unreasonable to ask - a degree of flexibility is most useful in these situations. It is even more reasonable in this stituation particularly as the schedule is not mutually agreed - it is being dictated to you.

My ex and I often re-arrange the contact schedule to fit around events we want to take the kids to.

Thanks. I've asked him.

I still have the EA in me, in that I feel he'll throw it back at me... "see, you're not a fit Mother, you don't even want to spend time with your son".
He said such horrible things to me.

If you haven't done so please put your concerns regarding him leaving DS alone to EVERYONE in WRITING.

Cafcass, SS and the school person.

"DS has told me on several occasions he has been left alone in a locked room, incidence
x
y
z

I am aware that DS is often left in the care of housemates he doesn't know which he is unhappy about, this is why I am fully believing that when no-one is available he does get left on his own.

Following the latest incidence (hostel) DS was very clingy, worried and wouldn't sleep on his.

I am very concerned at this as a safeguarding issue. Guidelines clearly state that DC are not mature enough to be left on their own under the age of yy. - Then quote guidelines.

I am concerned for my sons welfare and believe that I am being dismissed due to the breakdown between myself and his father. I am dismayed that no-one thinks it is appropriate to have a discussion with the bastard and tell him that it is completely unacceptable to do this due to the risks involved and the fact that DS is clearly unhappy.

Social services are not involved.
The school lady is for signposting and advice.
I will indeed give the info to cafcass.

Moot point really as I know ex will be unwilling to swap, I'm just wondering what the expectation is.

Indeed. Reply in "I am working those days, so no".

Does he not wonder what I do with DS2 when I am working? It's bizarre.

And an email telling me I've got the Feb rota 1/2 wrong. It reduces me to tears. I am not unintelligent but this just reduces me to tears.

Just because social services aren't currently involved does not mean you can't report this to them.

You phone up and tell them you have safe guarding concerns due to him leaving DS alone in a locked room. If they say they aren't interested I would still put it in writing to them, recorded delivery. Your DS behaviour since that last incidence shows how scared he was - this is about you covering your back.

Sadly ref: the rota he is doing that to continue to abuse you or he is outright lying about the rota he gave you in the first place and it isn't actually fixed.

[hugs]

Did you see this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/2826207-so-fed-up-with-the-court-system?pg=2 ?

My impression is that because I already have a Court date and because I have no proof or immediate safeguarding concerns, SS would rather I proceeded with what is already in place.

I would still report and have it recorded. It all builds a paper trail of concerns when it does go to court.
This must be extremely tough and I hope you get some relief from his bulls hit soon.

FV, it is bizarre.... he is bizarre. Perfectly serious question, do you think he may be on the spectrum (I do have a friend who thinks all men are), your ex just seems to have something missing.

If he makes you feels bad about the rota then hand it back to him and let him forward a draft to you for your approval.

Don't let him get to you and don't let him judge you, for every criticism of you - you could throw 100 back at him. Hold your head high, you are a much better human being than he could ever be.

I am only pressing you to put this issue in writing to SS because it is such a serious safe guarding concern.

Locking a young child in a room in a hostel in London and then going out for a cycle ride???? The chances of your Ex not making it back from that ride are notable and no-one would have known your DS was even there.

I mean it's just not on, at all. It's not about the court case or contact, it is a serious misjudgement of what is ok. I am not a helicopter parent - pretty lax, leave my DC home alone, let them walk to school alone (heart in mouth due to traffic).

I don't know if that's what's happening. This first happened last year. I told him. I also called the hostel to see if that had seen him leave alone at night. I called NSPCC, I've told other professionals.
Ex says he only goes down the hall. Earlier he said he went to the shop just across the road. He denied locking him in. He said the people in the room next door knew DS was there.
What actually will anyone do before it goes to court?

Sorry if I've asked this before.

Do you (maybe c3?) know how long the first hearing will take and whether I'll be able to take a friend in with me?

What actually will anyone do before it goes to court?
Probably nothing. But it's useful to report things as they happen, they may form a bigger picture that you rely on later.

Do you (maybe c3?) know how long the first hearing will take and whether I'll be able to take a friend in with me?
The actual first hearing is usually short, probably no longer than 45 minutes (I'd be surprised if it was even that long), but there will probably be a lot of waiting about beforehand (bring a good book and a fully charged smartphone), and some talking to a CAFCASS officer before the judge hears the case.

You should probably keep the entire day free, even if your case is scheduled for first thing, delays are common.

My ex asked for her mum to come along, I was asked if I was ok with it (I was), and the judge was asked if he was ok with it (he was). My ex was given the all clear, but warned that her mum mustn't say anything as she would have no "right of address". You'll almost certainly be able to have company in the waiting room though.

Help that helps!

Thank you. The Court is about an hr away. I have a good friend who I'd like to come for moral support, but she needs to be back at work in the afternoon. It won't work I think.
I guess I'll have to get back ups to collect the DSs as well.

What's the waiting around for? If the hearing is at 10am, surely they won't be running late by then, or do urgent cases get pushed in?

Nothing ever happens quickly at court from what I've heard! It's like the hospital appointments, you turn up in good time and then sit about for a few hours...

Urgent cases do come in which can upset the order of things, and I think the judge reads up on the case before seeing the litigants so even if your case starts at 10 the judge may well spend 30 minutes reading the C100, CAFCASS reports and speak to the clerk/CAFCASS officer etc while you twiddle your thumbs/fret etc.

My case was scheduled for 10am, think I went in front of the judge at 1045. I arrived about half 9 I think, as advised on the paperwork.

Chances are it won't drag on for too long, but it pays to be prepared just in case, as it does happen sometimes.

Thanks c3
I'll zip up my woman suit and get on with it alone I think.

So, last week I told ex about a work trip I need to make for a week at the end of March. I said I hoped it was enough notice for us to put things in place for the boys (term time). No reply (though he badgers me for immediate response to plan his holidays). So, I asked him again today and his response is that he can't commit to any extra days until primary issue (I presume he means overall residency) is resolved. Obv that won't be resolved before I need to book tickets and make plans (it's in the US).

He's being a twat, right?

Do I just go ahead and make arrangements for them myself?

He's being a twat, right?
Yes.

Do I just go ahead and make arrangements for them myself?
Yes.

If he can't/won't give you enough information to plan contact around the trip, it's not unreasonable to make other arrangements. Just make sure he is informed as to their availability for contact, whatever that may or may not be.

Thank you. I thought that was the right course of action.

Unsurprisingly I also agree, he is a twat.

I also agree you should make other arrangements and then inform him. I think you should also inform him that you will be having DS2 either side of you going away for work.

Everything the others say!!

I cannot believe you need to ask if he's a twat

We can hand on heart say that his is a twat plus, and other things as well...