The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Still no reply. There is only 1 two day stretch within the school week for the whole of Jan.

Just venting - I am waiting for the slow cogs of court to sort this out. It makes me cry and I'm not strong enough.

You already know that he has simply put his name to each and every day he is not working without a thought to your contact days or activities DS2 wants to attend. Selfish.

I know you get upset and the upset is due to frustration. Ideally that upset could do with turning to anger for dealing with the issues in court.

Hmmm as you have both have parental responsibility you could simply go out with DS when he is due to be collected and not hand him over "As DS wants to spend 3 days in a row with me as previously discussed"...

It is no different to what he is doing! The difference is as he works he can't keep DS indefinitely as he needs to use your for childcare!

Random, I think the issue is that he would just turn up at the school, regardless. FV doesn't want a scene.

See how court goes and how he behaves after.

Yes, dobby is right. I am not going to withhold contact.

So, 1st day back at school today. DS has been with ex since the 2nd and I was assuming would take DS to school this morning. I have school shoes, book bag and PE kit here. I didn't contact him to make arrangements to collect, but then got very anxious about that on the way back from my morning swim. Took the things into school only to be told that ex has left a message asking for an extra day off.
So I left in tears (culmination of the stress I think as well as not knowing what was going on). Hope they bloody fine him.

An extra day off?? What? Because he felt like it? That's outrageous, you can't just keep a kid out of school for no reason. I hope he does get fined.

I hope this is a one off, and that it's not been happening before!

Should I email the head teacher?

I don't think it's happened before.

I wish they would fine him, they probably won't though. At the very least they could send him one of their grotty letters.

Did he take DS2 away?

How much info is included on the forms that were sent to court, was there an opportunity to state how difficult communication is, his bullying etc? I know this is about the child but it is still relevant because of how impossible organising access is.

I guess there is no harm in asking the question. They won't want to be put in the middle as they have to 'work' with both parents, so keep it fairly brief.

What is with him and DS2? He seems hell bent on monopolising him.

Yes, he's been away with DS/

The form is very brief (but states that there will be an opportunity to give me info at a later hearing). Yes, I was able to say why communication has broken down.

and hello c3!

Might be worth asking the school for DS's attendance record if you want to check that this hasn't happened before.

I suppose if it really is a one off it isn't worth losing sleep over, but you don't want to set the precedent that absence without good reason is acceptable to you - because it really isn't.

Later hearing? Stupid me was thinking it was just the one... what is the actual process?

So was he due to pick DS2 up from school today?

Later hearing? Stupid me was thinking it was just the one... what is the actual process?

As a rule of thumb, there will be a first hearing where the judge looks over the forms and starts the ball rolling, then a bunch of further hearings eventually culminating in a decision.

Usually along the way there will be some attempts at mediation and/or separated parent courses... Depending on what is alleged, drugs tests, CAFCASS reports, etc etc. If all that proves unproductive and an agreement cannot be reached, an order will be made at a final hearing... Hearings will usually be some months apart, so getting to the end is not generally a quick process.

c3pu thanks for the info. Sadly it means FV has to try and cope for some time yet.

Let's hope dear ex will have a revelation and realise he has to be more reasonable and start trying to see things from others perspectives.

[deep sigh]

Am dreading judge will tell ex to go to mediation and I will not have a chance to say what happened with divorce mediation or to explain about the history (apparently I have to let that go and think of the future - not so easy really)

Or that judge will say we're managing to work it out now and DS seems OK so carry on as is.

The failed non-mol has set me up to expect the process to be awful. I am doing OK, but it doesn't take much to set me back. It's all too raw still and until things are settled with residency I think I will struggle to really move on with the brighter future that lies ahead. I'm still too invested in sorting the current situation out to invest time and energy into reading, Freedom programme, counselling etc.

It's difficult to predict as there's so many factors, but it does seem likely that the judge will tell him to attempt mediation - with a bit of luck the judge will tell him off for not going in the first place!

If that is the case, you could well say to the judge that previous attempts at mediation have all failed... Might work, but the courts do seem to want separated parents to try and work things out without the need for court.

I seriously doubt any judge is going to say that the current situation is working well... The amount of contact maybe, but definitely not the structure!

Unfortunately the wheels of justice turn slowly, but given enough time they will reach a conclusion.

I do think you should try and prepare yourself for the judge to say mediation.

Sorry, what is the arrangement for later today? Also have you managed to make head or tail of Jan schedule, if so is it 50:50?

I think counselling might be good whilst you are going through this process, might help you to keep track of emotions whilst staying on path.

c3pu Do you know if mediation happens there and then or are you sent away to arrange it?

Do you know if mediation happens there and then or are you sent away to arrange it?

Mediation is a privately arranged thing, so it'll be "go off and arrange it at a time convenient for the both of you" kind of thing.

Thanks. I wasn't sure when people has talked about being sent out to mediate if there was one at the courts.

Unfortunately in this case that will probably just mean a wasted delay.

Thanks. I wasn't sure when people has talked about being sent out to mediate if there was one at the courts.

Unfortunately in this case that will probably just mean a wasted delay.

Yep, it's not cheap usually either, Grrrrr.

There's usually a last ditch attempt to thrash out an agreement before going in front of the judge, but I really can't see FV's ex being particularly reasonable about it all...

I will print out the email I got from the divorce mediators telling me he was a fucking twat that mediation was deemed unsuitable for us.

Head has replied and said it's an unauthorised absence. I'll print that out as well.

ex has txt to say he asked for a day off today. Yeah...I know you moron, I turned up at school and THEY told me.

Anyway, says I can collect DS2 after 4pm. 2 nights with me, him etc for the next week FFS.

I mean from the 6th - 13th it's him, me, him, me etc.

Have emailed following to ex:

I am not at all happy with the the 6th - 13th being alternate nights.
I don't understand what rota this is and I think [DS2] needs to spend more than 1 night with either of us within a 7 day period.

Are you willing to consider a different proposal?

I bet he won't reply - I did already ask him this about 4 days ago.

Had a reply to my txt saying he's made some minor adjustments for holidays etc and then asks me what's the problem.

Do I respond?
He already has court papers saying what I don't like about the rota ie what the problem is.
He won't take him to beavers.
etc etc

I want to just ignore, does that make it look like I'm not engaging in discussion?