The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Has ex's behaviour been any different now he is aware he's going to court?

Dinner was lovely.
No, there is no sinister reason for the estrangement- he just hates his mother. It became too difficult to maintain a relationship with her and the boys for many reasons. But we are back on track now and good times lie ahead.

Ex has not contacted me at all for a few days, aside from an "ok" to me telling him I'd made arrangements for DS2 when I take DS1 to Manchester for uni interview next week.

I've asked him what he's getting boys for Xmas so we don't overlap (is rhat what separated parents do?). No reply.

May the quietness continue!!!

I wouldn't bother trying to engage him with things like presents etc. just keep receipts and focus on having the Christmas Celebrations you and the boys want together and buying the gifts you are happy to buy them.

Good idea about receipts.

So I saw a school liaison woman on Friday. I've seen her a few times now and she's been helpful. She suggested I be more proactive and rather than wait for cafcass to call me I should call them and explain my concerns about the court date being so far away and thus the current situation being regarded as a working status quo. So I called them but no call back from my case worker yet.

I am on the 2nd night of my only 3 night stretch in a 4 week period. Yesterday was lovely until it all unraveled at bed time (both boys being foul) so it's good to have a chance to reset things this evening. And indeed me and DS2 have had a lovely evening (DS1 out). Tomorrow will be good as well I'm sure then back to ex and then repeat....

I thought my weight was slowly going back up again but recent stresses have seen it drop again. It's ok but my appetite is so connected to my mood. Coming off ADs is tough but I don't want to be controlled by them (or anything thank you!).

Dentist for boys was booked months ago and is on a day boys (or at least DS2) is with ex. I told him about appt, his reply was that he's away. So do I book again or leave with him? And how can I know when boys will be with me so I can be sure they get there? We really need better schedule so these things can be sorted out

If he is away how is he still seeing DS2?

Your situation goes to show that with ex couples who cannot communicate (for whatever reason) need set days, even if it's four nights one week and three the next - but the same days each cycle so each are able to make plans and appointments without the need for much flexibility.

After school dental appointments can be difficult to re schedule so really he needs to keep it.

He's away with DS2

All quiet on the ex front.

Haven't been able to get through to my cafcass case worker. Have called them twice. I suspect she won't call before Xmas now. Feel rotten about it as I was encouraged to be proactive so I was and now just feel like I'm pestering them.

ex's housemates have gone to NZ for a month so ex has the house to himself. Am worried that he'll leave DS2 alone to go on his stupid walks or bike rides.

I wouldn't worry about CAFCASS too much until after the first hearing, until then they will only be interested in immediate safeguarding issues really.

I know it sucks royally, but if your ex is confident that whoever he is leaving DS2 with is suitable to look after him, it won't be seen as unreasonable. Has DS2 said much about who he is being left with?

But the point was that the school liaison woman told me I should be more proactive and tell Cafcass that it is absolutely not on for the current situation to continue into Jan (ie have it noted that this is NOT a status quo I think is working).
She should not have told me to do that (which made me feel I wasn't doing enough) if she knows I'm going to get exactly nowhere anyway.

I know I have to accept who DS2 is being left with, my concern right now is that he might be being left alone.

Yes DS talks about the other people. He seems fine with them. Bloody ridiculous that ex would rather leave DS in their care (to go out on his bike) rather than have me collect him.

Bla bla....I'm a bit angry and frustrated. I have him this evening and then back to ex for one night. It's bollocks.

Do you know the address of where Ex lives?

Could you give DS a cheap mobile phone and if Ex goes out and leaves him on his own and he's not happy about it he can call you?

I don't think there would be anything to stop you going to collect him if he is upset and alone it's not court ordered fixed contact, you have parental responsibility and if your child alone at that age???

Yes I know where he lives. I collect DS2 from there.

Yes, I do need to sort him out with a mobile - I've been procrastinating because I know ex will think it's ridiculous and I'm ridiculous and be awful to me about it. DS2 has an old cheapy one somewhere. I will ask him to dig it out.

I would absolutely not hesitate for a moment to go and get DS2 if I think he's alone OR upset. It's just that I don't get wind of these things until after the event.

Well at the minute he can't tell you until after the event can he?

Actually get DS2 to learn your mobile and home number by heart and remind him if he ever needs to talk to you to call. This is a bit tough because in some ways it could impinge unfairly on Ex contact time, and it isn't something that is appropriate however with Ex's track record and unreasonable I cannot think of another solution.

What if Ex has a bike accident/puncture and ends up out for several hours

Does ex need to know why DS2 has a phone?

You are doing your best, does CAFCASS worker have an email?

No, he doesn't need to know why he has a phone, but he will know the reason. There is no way I'd condone getting a 7 yo a phone for anything other than emergencies and ex knows that.

Tried cafcass again. Need to accept they won't contact me. Person I spoke to (sort of triage person I guess) said that cos the court date is a while away, there's no urgency. Bla bla. I said that it was exactly because the court date is so far away that I have concerns.
I do not know her email address.

I have emailed the school liaison person. It was her who advised me to call them. So either she's giving out bad advice or I'm unlucky.

It bloody well breaks my heart when I tell DS2 he's going to his Dads and he gives me the biggest hug.

I guess ex wouldn't even consider that DS2 feelings and needing security.

Will the school liaison or welfare person at school keep an eye on DS2 and talk to him if needed.

That's sad he feels unsettled when going to his Dads, I hope if you can get a better arrangement that he then copes better. Of course ex will be oblivious to it all as DS2 won't tell him if anything bothers him, which is natural given your ex's personality.

How did your Christmas go, @FV45 ?

Thank you for asking conker.
I've had mostly very, very lovely festive period. The best thing was having 2 lots of visitors (sisters) stay over, something I haven't been able to do for years. So relaxed and fun.

Lots of visiting as well and so lovely not to have his millions of weird habits and conditions to cope with.

But he's kicked off again today, trying to change plans for me dropping DS2 off tomorrow, knowing I'm away with my sisters and family and already having compromised with earlier drop off time. Really upset me, but my sisters helped me stay strong. They couldn't believe just how caustic he is and how he goes on and on and on.

Roll on 1st Feb. Am dreading new term starting.

Thank you for asking conker.
I've had mostly very, very lovely festive period. The best thing was having 2 lots of visitors (sisters) stay over, something I haven't been able to do for years. So relaxed and fun.

Lots of visiting as well and so lovely not to have his millions of weird habits and conditions to cope with.

But he's kicked off again today, trying to change plans for me dropping DS2 off tomorrow, knowing I'm away with my sisters and family and already having compromised with earlier drop off time. Really upset me, but my sisters helped me stay strong. They couldn't believe just how caustic he is and how he goes on and on and on.

Roll on 1st Feb. Am dreading new term starting.

I was just thinking of you.

So glad Christmas was good and pleased that others can see what he is like and can offer RL support.

Back to work. Boo bloody hoo.

He sent me rota for Jan and I cannot make head nor tail of it.
I do not have a 3 day stretch and cannot work out which week (1,2,3 or 4) of his supposed 4 week working rota we are in.

DS2 really didn't want to go with Dad yesterday (3 nights). That was hard.

Do a him and send it back with a 'no'.

Hopefully DS2 has a good time when he is there, all you can do is encourage him to go you can't force him. If he doesn't have a good time when he is there then that is a problem as you can relay DS2s feelings but ex will just talk him round and probably blame you.

I asked him yesterday where my 3 day stretch was and to clarify which week we are in. No reply. It is fruitless for me to try and push what I think is best for DS2 as he has shown time and time again no willingness to compromise - he only has DS when he is not working. It also causes me huge anxiety waiting for his response. This is why I'm going to court.

Since he claims he does have a regular working pattern he's shooting himself in the foot if he changes it now.

Yes, but you still have to go through the process of saying it, which you have done. It seems that January's rota is a really good example to show the courts and also his ignoring of you when asking a question regarding it.

He is such an arse and you are doing really well to cope in the circumstances.

Yes go through torture of saying no to the rota as both you and DS need stretches of time together which he has proven can be accommodated with his rota.