The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

If ex not working when he has DS then that's better for DS isn't it, that's what the judge will see.

I obv don't get that luxury as I work full time but that's the way it is.

I guess that it makes it hard to make regular plans (after school care) might go in my favour.

Will they take account of his complete lack of flexibility? E.g. That if he's working, says he can't have DS and I've had to take little DS to older DS events - parent teacher, get a baby sitter when having to collect DS1

I think we are struggling to help advise with this because we don't know

a) Is the 4 week rota true
b) Is it a 4 week rotating pattern
c) Is it a monthly rota with a completely ad hoc working pattern

If it's a proper 4 week rotating work pattern then that is something that can be worked with to create a near 50:50 shared basis if it isn't then you can't.

The flexibility you offer is that alternate weekends or 2 out of 3 then Twt has him as much as work allows but you get 1 weekend in 3 with uninterrupted Fri to Tues morning DS time. Twt can have him 2 evenings per week after school until bed time - those nights can change along with rota provided DS still attends his activities.

Something like that would be fair and unreasonable if he doesn't have a set rotating work pattern.

What job does he do? What does your gut say, that he has fixed rota but is being EA by refusing to share so you can work around it or that it's completely Ad Hoc and still being EA with it?

I understand. I didn't want to use my Sunday going back over all the dates, but will do so tomorrow.

I think he's saying it's 4 week rolling rota.

Well then I would write to him something along the lines of:

"If you have a 4 week rolling rota there is no need for these ad hoc arrangement, please send me a copy of your rolling rota so I can see how I can best accommodate a 50:50 arrangement whilst supporting DS2 wish to spend 2/3 nights at a stretch in the same place. As you are aware with notice I can offer flexibility with my work arrangements which I am currently unable to do as I am unaware of your rota"

If he then refuses to send you the rota that will totally, totally look shit on him!!!

Has he actually provided you with a 4 week rota?

If and when he does then take a look over it and see if it's possible to work out a 50:50 plan, I suspect not but perhaps with the threat of court he might be more open to compromise (stranger things have happened).

Can't believe he dragged DS2 out when he was ill. Do you think DS2 protests that much to him? Also did ex inform you that DS2 was off school and did he inform the school?

I think his lack of flexibility is paramount to your case as he won't provide child care for when he is working therefore expects to have DS2 only when he is not working therefore leading to this to and fro.

I am feeling like an utter idiot and dreading being shuffled out of court. With him triumphant

Feeling like that is totally normal, lord knows I felt the same with my court date looming.

All you need is a big dose of confidence, even if you don't entirely feel it.

If ex not working when he has DS then that's better for DS isn't it, that's what the judge will see.

Sure, it's good for the ex to not be working when he has DS. But that does not trump all the other considerations. Not at all, otherwise stay at home parents would win every single case.

Will they take account of his complete lack of flexibility?

Yes!

You're doing fine.

Can I also add that in theory it makes sense him seeing DS2 when not working but if in practice it is detrimental to DS2 then the court would also consider that fact.

Don't be bullied by him, this is your opportunity to find a better solution.

I think it's worth you going back over previous weeks and seeing what percentage you and he have seen DS2.

Right then.
4 week rolling rota.
I am M he is R. All the M days are his work days (I work mon- fri).

We each get one 3 days stretch in a 4 week period. I get more 2 day w/e cos he works every Sunday.

What I don't like most of all is the single days dotted in the school week. I have DS every Thursday which is not the best day for me - late conference call, collect DS1 late and DS1 goes to after school club. He's all in a funk and I just get this angry little beast for a few hours.

He works in some sort of call centre place.

Maybe it's me but I just can't see how that would work taking into account DS2 not being to and fro and keeping 50:50.

How has he managed previously to get a greater percentage, do his work days change?

By my calculation he works roughly a 28hour week. (Not relevant I know).

Does he work on a Thursday then?

How likely do you think that the 50:50 demand will ebb away over time provided you do not then seek maintenance?

He's refused to schedule more than 2days with DS for you, right?

Having him for longer blocks of time is a perfectly reasonable request

I can see why Thursday is such an issue for you, there is only one week where you have him for a night one side of it.

There just doesn't seem to be the flexibility there to maintain 50:50.

Overall I don't think he has had more than 50:50. A couple of his suggestions (over 1/2 term and some days this month) did swing it slightly in his favour, but it might just have been due to his rota being 28 days and there being more than that in a month.

All the days DS is with me, ex is working, so yes every thurs and every sunday.

c3 I do get a single 3 day stretch (Sat, Sun of week 2, mon of week 3).

Indeed, it's the lack of flexibility which makes it untenable. Also that with a 4 week pattern it's pretty hard for me to get childcare - I'd end up paying for lots of days I'm not using just so he'd be booked in for the weeks he IS with me ie after school clubs work on weekly bookings, not monthly.

I'd be completely fucked if I didn't work from home or have such a flexible job and that may well happen.

He is also unwilling to help with DS1 when he's not working. DS1 has uni interview on 14th Dec. Ex isn't working, but refusing to respond to me asking whether he is able to take him. I did all 5 open days, which I was more than happy to do (they were all weekends) but he should help where he can. Will the judge look into that? DS didn't even want to ask his Dad.

Didn't take him to beavers this evening.

Am I going to look like an idiot when ex points out to the judge that he does have a steady work pattern?

dobby no he didn't tell me DS2 was off school. I don't have a right to know, do I? It would be courteous of course. I don't know if the school knew. I don't want to ask them in case I look like bitter ex wife (funny that).

Oh and as for maintenance, I have no intention of claiming any from him - we have that written in our financial court order. I just wanted shot of him.

Delurking just to observe that ALL DS2's childcare arrangements revolve around, are dependent on his dad's work rota!! So you only get to see your son when your ex is working? So you are, in effect, simply providing childcare cover for your ex!! And, as it's a call centre, your ex's rota may go beyond 9-5... DS2 deserves a better quality of care - and life - than simply being bumped around to suit his dad's (antisocial?) working hours..

That's about it cashew
Convenient for him isn't it.

"Yes DS was ill when ex made him go on bike ride" Document this by email to him, "Dear CUNT, I understand that when ds was off school last......, due to being unwell you took him on a bike ride?", something along those lines, you are getting more email trail/evidence of his inability to put his ds first.

It is exh responsibility to arrange childcare if he cannot look after his ds on his days, stop letting him use you like this, again doing this shows how unworkable his "roster" is.

Re you picking up the childcare on his days, you need to show that you are not available at those times (even if you are), again it will show how unworkable (for you and ds) his rota is. It is not in ds best interests to be shuffled around like a pass the parcel and may even be damaging for him. He doesn't know if he's coming or going poor child, children need to know what is happening and when, it makes them feel secure. Please document everything, he is showing himself to be more and more unreasonable. We know it is hard for you but the more he shoots himself in the foot the better!

Yes also document the non-response to your email re taking ds1 to uni, check back to see where else he is non-responsive, refuses to help ds1.

re the email about ill bike ride.

Obv he'll either deny or ignore, but should I ask him to clarify or just state what DS told me?

"Am I going to look like an idiot when ex points out to the judge that he does have a steady work pattern?"

No, because if he has a steady work pattern he can offer a steady contact pattern too. Which he doesn't. Your reasons for bringing the CAO are perfectly valid.

Regarding the bike ride, I'd not waste too much energy on it... His response will probably be something along the lines of "I thought the fresh air and exercise would do him good" and there's not much you can do about it..

He may also say that DS2 wanted to go on a bike ride, and I suppose unless DS2 will dig his heels in and argue with his Dad your ex may have actually got the impression that he was quite happy to go. However, most parents probably wouldn't even suggest it.

I suppose in fairness although I feel I would want to know if my child was off school sick he does have 50:50 and in all honesty if he was off during my care period I probably wouldn't let the ex know unless it impacted on him in some way. As frustrating as it is - cp is right and it's best to let it go.

The fact that you have to pay child care even for when he is not with you is relevant in my opinion because if he had him set days of the week then you could perhaps find childcare only for those days but because it's all over the place it's much harder.

If he doesn't want this to go to court then he needs to change his days to fit you and your child.

Such an arse him not taking him to Beavers, and again I guess you pay subs for even when he is not there? Do you know whether DS2 says to ex how much he wants to go? This is so common in children who are insecure with one parent, they just go along with anything and then will only complain to he parent they are super secure with. Obviously it's not DS2's fault but it makes it very difficult and frustrating for you.

"As you refuse to take DS to Beavers then he will need to be with me every Monday regardless"

Since I've had no reply about uni interview I've asked him instead to have DS1 the day/night before as we will have very early start. Makes sense for him to be with ex then.
Ex is working that day - let's see if 1) I get a reply and 2) if he's willing/able to sort it out.

I can drop DS2 with a friend (though it'll be 6.30am so a bit grim) but obv better for DS to be elsewhere