The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

Hugs
Glad to hear it FV, well done.

Although that is sad for DS 2 it may give him more courage to stand up for what he wants in all of this.

So, we have a childcare rota until Wed of next week - one dictated by ex.
Since he left (5th Oct) I have been the one to initiate residency rota and every single one has been rejected and I've ended up going with what he wants because I can't put myself through the alternative of trying to stand up to him and failing because he ignores or just does txt/email equivalent of intimidating me and then being in a position where I don't actually know what will happen. I am sorting it out through the courts and that is my way of standing up to him.

Anyway, so I've decided not to initiate things this time so as it stands I don't know what's happening with DS2 from Wed. We'll see.

Eek, hold your nerve. Have you any idea how long it will take to get to the courts etc?

You have been so incredibly strong to get this far, I know it has cost you so much but I admire you so much

I think I will hear back from the court in the next week or so and they've set a hearing date for about a month from then - so I guess early/mid Jan. He will be sent what I wrote.....OMG.

Thank you.

I'm coming off my ADs and feeling a bit crap.

I had a romantic dream. Me and a man...don't know who, but felt the love.
Would be nice, eh.

I've heard back already.
First hearing 1st Feb. That's nearly 10 weeks away. FFS.

Oh well, at least it's a date to work towards.

It will be interesting to see what next week brings, it may spring him into action.

Be prepared for his reaction, try not to be intimidated and just tell him you have no choice because he is being unreasonable and not working in DS2's best interests.

Has he taken him to Beavers at all?

On your forms, do you include what you want out of it? if so, what have you asked for?

I will try.

No, he hasn't taken him to Beavers. Last 2 weeks has been me anyway, though this Monday is him. We shall see.

Yes, I did have to state what I wanted and I said that I wanted the court to grant me main residency with ex seeing him after school twice a week (then bringing him back to me to sleep), every other w/e (including sleeps) and 1/2 holidays.

Ex is NOT going to like that.

The court is different to the one I went for the non-mol order so no chance (I think?) of being same miserable judge (different county in fact).

If he doesn't take him to Beavers make sure you note it down.

Yes he won't like that, if I'm reading it right then he would have him 3 nights every other week? But I guess it gives you wiggle room and if he gets more than that he will feel like he has won.

Think in dealing with this you have to get a little angry, angry that he is so selfish he won't even take DS to a club, selfish that he won't consider how DS would feel about to and fro, angry that it's all about him and not DS2.

Remember if he was a little more reasonable you would not be doing this, he has caused this because he won't consider any one else or be even a little reasonable.

And mostly remember that you are representing DS2, and his interests.

10 weeks? Ouch. Guess they are shut for much of the Christmas period, but even so that's not quick... grrr.

The wheels of justice are usually slow, but they do keep on turning. It'll be here before you know it.

It's understandable that you feel you cannot stand up to him, but if it were ,I'd be emailing every time he ignores your rota and does what he wants, politely reminding him what you believe is in the best interests of your ds, so that you have a paper trail.

I have a very long paper trail. Email and txt.
And I do have to draw a line under how much I stand up to him and it's it causes me huge anxiety.

Lots of aggressive emails

it does sound so horrid for you. Hopefully he has done enough damage to hang himself when it comes to the courts.

They will only be interested in welfare of DS2.
I am really worried and wish I could afford legal advice.

Yes but they demonstrate that he isn't concerned with DS2 welfare.

Yes you are worried BUT you will end up with 50:50 care as a minimum and presumably fixed contact - so you won't end up worse off than now by default.

KOKO

Are courts keen on fixed contact or will fact we've muddled through like this so far (will be 4 months by time we go to court) be regarded as status quo and best not to change?

Ex tells me he does have 4 week work rota (and apparently I knew this but chose to ignore...). Would court support that even though there are weeks where it's one day here, one day there and never 3 days in a row for me...will have to go over past 6 weeks carefully to check this myself.

I've been told that 50:50 and huge amounts of change only works of parents work together.

I guess fact he didn't go to mediation speaks for itself.

Yes they tend to support fixed contact and yes it will change where one works on a rota.

So he has a 4 week rota - then he needs to provide it to you doesn't he...

You are perfectly reasonable to insist on having him 3 days in a row when he is also getting that,

[hugs]

By the loads of angry emails I'm guessing he received the paper work.

Random is absolutely right, if he has a 4 week rota why hasn't he given it to you? You can't ignore something if it hasn't been given to you. Lol

Perhaps this is the push for him to become more reasonable..... We can but hope.

The biggest problem that he probably won't want to accept is that his working hours are not suitable for 50:50. It seems like if he is not working he expects to have DS2 (I could be wrong) regardless if it means he has him more that 50% of the time. That just isn't fair.

Stay strong and stay focussed on why you are doing this. One way or another his dictating to you has to stop.

He claims I dictate to him.

Judge is just going to tell us to work with his 4 week schedule. So I will have thrown £300 away to get to that. And another 10 weeks to wait to be told that.

I'm pissed off.

DS told me he was off school last Wed but daddy made him go on bike ride.

He told me to withdraw the application.

Judge is just going to tell us to work with his 4 week schedule. So I will have thrown £300 away to get to that. And another 10 weeks to wait to be told that.

I wouldn't be so sure... You won't be expected to bend over backwards to suit his needs.

I think you stand a very good chance of getting something more stable than you have, whatever you end up with. Out of interest, if he has a 4 week rota can you see if his ridiculous contact schedule has followed a pattern over the past 8 weeks or so?

When it goes to court if your ex says the current arrangement is working well, just say that you have had to cancel several work, social and family engagements because of your ex's unreasonable scheduling and refusal to negotiate. Because of this you want a schedule that where you can plan in advance... Should be enough.

If I was in your shoes I think I'd be willing to accept anything that comes in a decent structure, up to 50:50.

Stick with it. His position is weaker than yours.

His claiming you dictate to him is probably some sort of reverse projection.

Why do you think the judge will say that? I mean they will probably tell you to work with the 4 week rota but you have applied for greater than 50% which if you get that may resolve the to and fro.

Was DS2 off sick on Wednesday?

You can't withdraw it because his working hours, even with a four week schedule provided, doesn't work out for anyone else except for ex.

Please tell me that again...I am feeling like an utter idiot and dreading being shuffled out of court. With him triumphant

Yes DS was ill when ex made him go on bike ride