The ignoring.....not so gaaaaa (part 2)

[FV45]

So ex finally left the home yesterday.
Slept ok and atmosphere in home is much lighter.

Residency issues are ongoing. As it stands I don't know what's happening at the weekend.

I am collecting DS2 from after school club and taking him to school tomorrow. Ex collecting from school. Ex won't discuss timings for me to collect DS2 from him on Saturday morning. Suspect he plans to drop him here at his convenience.

Am seeing sol and going to meditation MIAM soon with view to court so not sure what I can do until then, aside from log everything.

He is so annoying. He knows he doesn't have to discuss anything because he knows he will bully you into getting what he wants. He is stupid as his actions will only end up making visitation more difficult in the long run.

I think you are right, his lack of effort to take DS to Beavers will look bad on him. So print off your messages to him, make sure it shows the next message so it's clear it has been ignored, and add that to your note on why you are requesting DS2 to remain with you each and every Monday. Be prepared he will turn around and say that DS2 says doesn't want to go to Beavers.

Will you be asking the court for a long weekend every other weekend? I would be as I think it's important. I don't think the court will see that as unreasonable as having quality family time when school and work aren't involved is important.

I would point out on your email that these dates appear imbalanced for this section to make up for nights you missed, to enable DS2 to attend Beavers and to avoid single night stop overs which is too distrupting for DS2. My opinion of your ex is that he has a short attention span and will only look at one schedule and not the whole picture, so will see all those nights to you and automatically disagree.

Do add what I said earlier, if you don't hear within 48hrs (for e.g.) etc.

He will ignore and then want to change it when it suits, do your best to dig your heels in and maybe test him out just once.

Sent it. He'll read it tomorrow I think.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling being the parent that does school admin.
From what I can see on our school PTA FB page there was a note in book bags about a workshop. First come first served. ex doesn't do a thing with book bags etc so pretty sure DS will miss out on that. I did speak to the head about school letters all being sent out via parentmail and she confirmed she'd remind teachers, but I suspect she has little influence over the PTA.
Not a big deal but still a bit sad.

Yes that is sad. If someone want 50% access then it should include parenting during that period whether it's Beavers, homework or action on school events. Why should your son miss out on any of those things!

Right, I am doing the form NOW! I said it here so now I must do it.

KOKO

Ok, that's enough for tonight. I will sleep on it and re-write tomorrow.

Thank goodness for the Internet and being able to look things up!

Reply from ex just in:

"no chance, as above"

Have forwarded whole thread to the WA sol along with draft C100.

I just don't think I can do this for weeks and weeks. The control and the practical side of things. Actually the latter I can work with, but the control is crushing me. I need the judge to see this behaviour and not just send him to mediation.

And breathe.....

I think we knew he would reject that, the only surprise is that he replied!

Do you think the WA sol will get back to you quickly?

Think its just so difficult what with his work and his unwillingness to find child care and take DS to his Beavers.

If it takes WA a while to get back to you then you will have to reply with, absolutely not, I will not accept less than 50%, I will not put our son through the upheaval of alternate stop overs and I will not have our son miss out on attending Beavers. I do also expect to have him for a full weekend each alternate week. So you work it out.

If you are missing some nights you need to make those up so mention how many nights he needs to factor in with you.

Yes the control and selfishness is so clear.

I cannot KEEP putting my foot down. I find it hugely stressful. This is what I have paid thousands and thousands of ££ to be out of and this is why I'm going through the Court. I am not strong enough emotionally to keep writing to him and then waiting, waiting, waiting for his response.

You really think if I keep going on at him he's going to think "oh OK then, she's right I do need to work it out"?

He has shown quite clearly that he won't work anything out.

I don't know if he would or not but if nothing else you have documented your feelings.

If you can't deal with it then it's fair enough, just go with whatever he suggests for now, try and save yourself some of the stress and upset. Hopefully the WA solicitor will have a decent suggestion.

I'm afraid being further down the road in getting out of a controlling marriage has made me rather stubborn and reactive. You just do whatever you need to get through this. 💐

It's so difficult for us to help because we can't those feelings away for you

We are encouraging you to object and not agree otherwise he is controlling you plus it shows you are not in agreement with DS fitting around his wants. Can you try and mentally see that this is a relatively short term anguish to achieve the longer term aim of suitable contact/residence agreement?

I feel so awful for you having to endure this

We understand the stress of constantly putting your foot down, I used to get palpitations when I saw an email from ex arrive in my inbox and anxiety through the roof when replying to them, knowing that his next reply would be worse, BUT having evidence to show that you do not in any way agree with his proposals, that you are not prepared to have any less than 50% and especially to keep stating that you believe it is not good for your ds to be moved around so much, will stand you in good stead. The fact that he dismisses your concerns re ds best interests and is clearly showing he only cares about his interests and "winning" will go against him. The courts will clearly see that you have tried your best to be reasonable and that he is completely unreasonable, so keep on keeping on and know that this will end, but you have to get through the shit first.

I know you are trying to help and I am not strong enough to do what you say .

That's how I ended up like this.

I'll take some time out.

Then that's fair enough, no need to remove yourself. We can only do what we can cope with.

The thing that is worrying me is that he is sliding (bullying) his way into having DS for longer than 50% and I don't know how long the court will take. You agreed to 50:50 not him being main care giver. Perhaps raise that with WA solicitor, it might be that in law you are safe and I am worrying unnecessarily.

Take it one day at a time, you are doing amazingly well, you have managed to keep your home most people in your situation don't - that is such an achievement. You are taking him through the court process - whatever the outcome of is it will be fixed contact which is a result.

KOKO please be kind to yourself you doing everything you can and make progress even though it's slow it's still going forwards.

It takes a long time to break the cycle of control. As long as your kids go to him he gets to keep control basically. It was liberating for me when I could finally say it and mean it to the kids I simply don't care what your dad thinks of me.

I had good counseling. It really helped. The court thing will happen eventually. Don't drown in the details. Be slow to reply. Be brief. Very very brief. Be out when he comes if necessary. Just do what you can b

FV if you really feel you can't keep doing it, how about writing to your solicitor (copying in WA and any other relevant parties/organisations, explaining the situation, documenting all your concerns in the letter (or email) plus the bullying, control, why you feel you cannot keep standing up to him etc, then you will have dated evidence of your concerns and your disagreement of his schedule etc.

With a lot of help from c3 and some RL friends I have finally send my C100 form.

What a relief. He will get a copy in the next week or so (gulp) which will show him that I am not accepting his continuing ad hoc suggestions.

He agreed to Xmas dates and has now gone back on it.

well done FV! Hope you are doing okay this evening.

You're a star FV ! Waiting and anticipation are difficult, good luck getting through this.

KOKO and be kind to yourself

Lurker here but wanted to say well done.

Well done! If he wants to avoid court then he had better start being more reasonable.

Can't believe he has changed his mind on Christmas already...

Thank you all. It gives me strength knowing it's in the hands of the courts now.
DS2 is sadly realising that he can't rely on his dad.