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Relationships

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Original poster

Drunkenly ranted at DP and now don't know how to fix it

89 replies

showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 11:13

This is about the fourth time I have done this since being with my DP of 2 1/2 years

I bottle things up, then it all comes out in a drunken rant. I can hardly remember what I said but remember enough to know it would have not gone down well and I multiplied the feeling of what I really meant by about a million percent

Basically, we've been together for 2 1/2 years and spend every weekend together. We don't live together because he needs to live near his DD and work, and I have 2 DD's in my town and can't yet move. It's not a huge issue to me at the moment as we enjoy our weekends together and talk and text every day

We went out on Sunday night (I don't normally stay Sundays) and bumped into his Ex girlfriend and her new husband. They still have a close friendship which has always been a bit of an issue to me but after talking at length to them both about it, and the fact she has now married someone else, I felt I needed to accept it. I actually really like her!

But on Sunday, we were all quite drunk and someone said something that just triggered me off on a rant about their friendship. I said quite a lot of stuff that made everyone feel very awkward. When we got home I continued to rant until 2am

Since then, I've hardly heard from him... I left him a note on Monday morning apologising for the drunken rant and I that I was concerned I had damaged our relationship. He texted me later that morning saying I had nothing to apologise for and he loves me millions. But he hasn't called me, hasn't texted me unless I have texted first (which has only been once yesterday and once the day before) so I obviously have created an issue

I feel so down, and stupid... I just want to know how he now feels about us and whether I have royally messed things up. I don't want to push him if he just needs to cool down, but don't want to avoid it completely if there is an issue

What would you do in my position? I'm due to see him again on Friday for the weekend, but feel very awkward and a bit on tender-hooks and uncertain and don't want to go through the whole weekend (and rest of the week) feeling like this. I'd like to be able to make things better, but don't want to grovel either....

OP posts:

Myusernameismyusername · 05/10/2016 19:18

You might need to look at your social circle, sometimes other people encourage the drinking and you need to get new habits with your social life. Away from the pub helps

SandyY2K · 05/10/2016 19:28

I guess everyone's different where friendships with Exes are concerned, but as I told my DH when he wanted to keep a life long friendship with an Ex, I wasn't happy with it and as his wife, I'd expect my feelings to override his friendship. I reminded him of 'forsaking all others'

He's not someone who would want me being friends with an Ex and if I did and he didn't like it, then I'd cut them off, whether the relationship with the Ex ended amicably or not.

I think a husband is different from a boyfriend though and I wasn't going to stick around with her in his life till death parted them.

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 19:44

Christ sandy. If my DH had said to me what you told your DH I think I would have run a mile.

I'd expect my feelings to override his friendship. I reminded him of 'forsaking all others'

This kind of thinking scares me. But as you say, each to their own.

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 19:45

By scary I mean that that kind of thinking would be a red flag to me.

Optimist3 · 05/10/2016 19:56

I would dump you. Wouldn't want a psycho girlfriend. Pointless hard work.

You don't need your partner and his ex to make you feel more secure. You need yourself to make yourself feel more secure. It's all in your head!!

5 pints (particularly on an empty stomach) is utterly stupid. What's that 10 units in one night when your weekly limit is 14. Have you an alcohol problem?

Optimist3 · 05/10/2016 19:58

You are in a cycle but you can choose to change. Get reading. Look on Amazon for some self help books.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2016 20:14

Chequeoff

Because my DH would be very insecure if I had an Ex as a friend, I think I'm being very reasonable. In fact I had cut off my Ex once I started getting serious with DH (because he still wanted to be with me), but I told DH that with the power of social media, I could find him and rekindle that friendship if he thought being friends with Exes was okay.

Suprisingly, he wasn't keen on that idea. In fact he was very opposed to it and looked visibly distressed. That double standard doesn't wash with me.

Added to the fact that he used her to confide in his Ex about our relationship issues , I wasn't having it.

I think the OPs situation is different though, as her BF and the Ex were friends for a very long time and she's married now. Not that it always makes a difference. My DHs Ex is single.

Optimist3 · 05/10/2016 20:16

It's fine for ex's to be friends. It's fine for men and women to be friends. There's clearly no romantic side to the relationship as both are committed to others. The issue is your insecurity. You need to get over it.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2016 20:16

By scary I mean that that kind of thinking would be a red flag to me.

If you'd seen the number of marriages destroyed by Exes as I have through relationship counselling, you'd realise why I take this firm view.

SandyY2K · 05/10/2016 20:24

I have to add as well, I wouldn't make the request to end the friendship if I wasn't married. I'd just leave the relationship if I didn't like or was insecure/jealous of the friendship my BF had with his Ex.

Had I actually known before we got married that my DH and his Ex were still friendly and in contact, I wouldn't have married him.

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 20:35

If you'd seen the number of marriages destroyed by Exes as I have through relationship counselling, you'd realise why I take this firm view

There are a million reasons why marriages don't work out. And, yes, problems with an ex can be one of them.

Personally I don't apply such a blanket rule nor see it as being a black and white issue. For me it would be a case by case situation.

But we all have our individual views on things. If your rules work for your own marriage then that's great.

ChequeOff · 05/10/2016 20:43

Just saw your post sandy. I think it's safe to say that you and I are going from very different places!

The above sounds like a threat to me. Again, that would make me run a mile. But, as you say, it's tit for tat and since you both feel the same insecurity around exes then it sounds like you've found the answer.

Personally, I have remained friends with exes and so has my DH. I don't feel jealous or insecure because I trust him and he trusts me.

Original poster

showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 20:47

For the record, I actually think it's really nice they are still such good friends. I'm jealous of their friendship - because I don't really have a friend I have been friends with for such a long time. I would love to though and if I did, I would resent my partner if he asked me not to

I would rather get over any insecurity I have and be cool with their friendship

OP posts:

Memoires · 05/10/2016 22:33

Well, you have to stop drinking don't you. If you really aren't ready to do that, then before you go out, drink a pint of milk, eat a few slices of bread. It'll take much longer to get drunk at least.

Losing parts of your life through excessive drinking is not a good sign. I've been told that indicates that you're killing off brain cells.

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