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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drunkenly ranted at DP and now don't know how to fix it

89 replies

showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 11:13

This is about the fourth time I have done this since being with my DP of 2 1/2 years

I bottle things up, then it all comes out in a drunken rant. I can hardly remember what I said but remember enough to know it would have not gone down well and I multiplied the feeling of what I really meant by about a million percent

Basically, we've been together for 2 1/2 years and spend every weekend together. We don't live together because he needs to live near his DD and work, and I have 2 DD's in my town and can't yet move. It's not a huge issue to me at the moment as we enjoy our weekends together and talk and text every day

We went out on Sunday night (I don't normally stay Sundays) and bumped into his Ex girlfriend and her new husband. They still have a close friendship which has always been a bit of an issue to me but after talking at length to them both about it, and the fact she has now married someone else, I felt I needed to accept it. I actually really like her!

But on Sunday, we were all quite drunk and someone said something that just triggered me off on a rant about their friendship. I said quite a lot of stuff that made everyone feel very awkward. When we got home I continued to rant until 2am

Since then, I've hardly heard from him... I left him a note on Monday morning apologising for the drunken rant and I that I was concerned I had damaged our relationship. He texted me later that morning saying I had nothing to apologise for and he loves me millions. But he hasn't called me, hasn't texted me unless I have texted first (which has only been once yesterday and once the day before) so I obviously have created an issue

I feel so down, and stupid... I just want to know how he now feels about us and whether I have royally messed things up. I don't want to push him if he just needs to cool down, but don't want to avoid it completely if there is an issue

What would you do in my position? I'm due to see him again on Friday for the weekend, but feel very awkward and a bit on tender-hooks and uncertain and don't want to go through the whole weekend (and rest of the week) feeling like this. I'd like to be able to make things better, but don't want to grovel either....

OP posts:
SheldonsSpot · 05/10/2016 12:11

Looking for help in how you can continue to drink isn't going to help though.

You're already pre-planning how much you can drink Hmm and once you've had your self imposed limit of a pint and a half, who or what is going to stop you having more, when you've already admitted you can't control how much you drink?

QueenLizIII · 05/10/2016 12:13

I dont think people are being harsh. If this was a man writing this post wiht plans to cut down and not stop drinking, he'd have his arse handed to him and his DP told to contact womens aid, etc.

They only spend weekends together. What is she so desperately unhappy about to be ranting so much.

Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:14

QueenLislll

Maybe not! Would it be better to at least try though rather than just not?

When I have my outbursts, I don't even know how much! Probably at least 5 pints of lager and usually when we haven't eaten (I wouldn't normally drink that much)

Thanks Myusername. I would rather be completely honest and I am indeed taking everything people are saying on board. I didn't expect a pat on the back and a hug.. perhaps I need to hear the brutally honest opinions to reinforce what I need to do to make the change

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 05/10/2016 12:15

I said brutal - brutal truth. It must not be nice to read but I didn't mean we shouldn't give the advice in this way. That's not what I meant

Myusernameismyusername · 05/10/2016 12:16

Queen and OP this isn't even about this poor man really. It's about your past and he happens to be in the firing line of all your unaddressed angst and insecurities.

StrongTeaHotShower · 05/10/2016 12:17

Oh dear, been there done that and felt the shame the next day.

Of course it's not acceptable behaviour but I think the crucial difference when posters point out the 'if it was a woman posting this about her partners dp.....' Is that you are acknowledging a problem and looking for a way to fix it. Many of the men we mnetters post about will not admit to their faults and are not seeking a way to make it better.

If you feel you cannot control your negative behaviour when you drink then a first post of call would be to either heavily moderate it and if you
Can't do that, seek help for a drinking issue.

Good luck Smile

Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:17

This is the stupid thing QueenLislll!! I am not desperately unhappy!! Things had been really really great - better than ever before my rant. That also seems to be the pattern on the previous occasions. It's like a form of self-destruction

I do need to deal with the insecurities too though, but don't want to burden him with them when they are my issues - not his. He initially thought, and was more attracted to me, because he believed I was actually very confident and wouldn't turn out to be this insecure nag of a psycho girlfriend. It's certainly someone I do not want to be either

OP posts:
WittyCakeMeister · 05/10/2016 12:25

He may be ignoring you in a sulk-of-sorts to let you know that he thinks you've messed up, so that you don't do it to him again. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Don't keep contacting him and apologising over and over. Men generally don't like intense over-complicated relationships. If you follow up the drunken rant with more intense behaviour, he may think he's identified a personality trait he doesn't like (and you won't be able to blame the drink for all of that).

Do you think these rants happen because deep down you know there are not things you are happy about in the relationship? Think about it carefully and decide whether you really want this relationship to continue. If you do, I would seriously consider either giving up drinking or making sure you never drink more than one or two glasses tops.
I did this - I now never drink more than one glass. When I'm drunk I become quite tactless and argumentative. I've also had similar rants in relationships then really regretted it. Despite how awkward it makes you feel, sometimes it's best to acknowledge to yourself that you are not a very good drunk.

If you decide to cut back the alcohol, when you see him next you can then blame it on the booze and say the solution is to cut right back and say you're going to stick to that plan.

ProseccoBitch · 05/10/2016 12:29

Oh gosh OP I am prone to doing this too although not for quite the same reasons and it's one of the reasons my relationship is now on the rocks, I have now learned exactly how much I can drink without getting to this point and am sticking to it but I don't know if it's too late.

VenusRising · 05/10/2016 12:32

Give up the booze. It doesn't agree with you.

Maybe your dp will forgive and forget, maybe he won't, but you'll be sober for your next relationship.

TattyCat · 05/10/2016 12:33

Op, I could have written your posts years ago. I behaved in exactly the same way. I didn't know why, and also blamed it on drinking. I thought it was me; it wasn't - it was the relationship I was in that wasn't right.

Since exDP and I split after 8 years, it doesn't happen any more - ever. I did love exDP but didn't like who I was when I was with him. Since meeting my now DP, this behaviour in me no longer occurs. We deal with issues together and we talk things through, even when one doesn't particularly want to! My exDP would stonewall me, every single time, whether I was drunk or sober; the problem was when I'd had too much to drink, I let loose and that wasn't good for either of us. He was a nice person, but we just couldn't communicate in a way that worked for both of us.

I can't imagine being that person now - my life has improved immeasurably since meeting someone with whom I feel on a level.

Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:36

Thanks Witty... what's really strange though is that when he had read my note, he did text me and said I had nothing to apologise for. I'm not sure why he would say that and then go so quiet. I'm not sure why he would even say it at all when I totally do have a lot to apologise for! Maybe he just didn't want a confrontation about it, or was even still hungover and drunk from the night before and now he has sobered up properly he has processed it differently

Not hearing from him or how he is feeling about it and us now is really hard. I know that's talking about myself and my feelings again and my ultimate aim is to make him feel secure and be able to trust me again - but I can't help worrying myself sick and hate not being in communication with him

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 05/10/2016 12:38

Why don't you give up the drink?? It's doing you no favours.

I must admit, with all the red flags waving, had I been on the receiving end of this, I'd have ended things

Acardwithbigletters · 05/10/2016 12:38

I'm afraid I don't think you should be drinking at all.

I don't, and it doesn't even remotely affect my social life nor my enjoyment of nights out.

TattyCat · 05/10/2016 12:40

Just to add, my ex would also go quiet and/or disappear for days (up to a week) after one of my rants. Whilst understandable, it didn't help because when he returned, things would go back to normal and the 'incident' wouldn't be talked about.

My DP now ... he would drop whatever he was doing (to the detriment of everything else!) and if it took 24hrs of talking, then that's what he'd do in order to get to the bottom of why it happened. We've only been through a couple of major things needing that, but nothing to do with drink - to do with family circumstances. It works for both of us and we get a resolution and move on.

Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:40

TattyCat

I am sad to read your post because I have to admit it may be the same for me - but also need to be honest with myself here. It sounds very very familiar.... The thought of ending it with someone I love hurts too much to almost consider. I'm also scared that I would be blaming my own behaviour on something else rather than dealing with the issue at hand

OP posts:
Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:44

I guess that's good to know TattyCat

I will leave it until the weekend, but I am not going to ignore it. I am not only going to stop drinking but am going to address it because I don't want it to reoccur. I fear if I don't tell him how ashamed I am, and what I am going to do about it, I could slip and it happen again. At least if I tell him my plan to not drink so it can't happen again - I really can't drink, else I would be going back on what I said allowing it to potentially happen again which I cannot risk

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/10/2016 12:44

if this was reversed, the advice from MN would be 'dump the drunk because you can't change them'.

Completely agree.

Nor is it your DPs or friends responsibility to police how much you drink on a night out.

Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:45

Does anyone else drink regularly? It really has become a habit. I can't remember the last time I haven't had at least one drink after work or on a weekend. I have been thinking about it for some time but most people I know who I have asked, also say they drink every night (not get drunk, but have 'a drink')

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 05/10/2016 12:47

Hope you sort it out OP. He sounds like a good guy.

Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:47

I agree too Piglet! I really do... I'm not saying I should be excused.. I think I am very very lucky if he even speaks to me again!

I know it isn't their responsibility - but I know that if you make your friends and family aware of your intentions, as with any addiction or problem, it is much more likely to be successful because you don't want to let them down and they can be a support

OP posts:
Original poster
showsomeclass · 05/10/2016 12:48

He is CalmltKermitt - too good to lose and I am willing to do everything I can to save our relationship

OP posts:
Acardwithbigletters · 05/10/2016 12:50

I don't know anyone who drinks every night.

I don't have much respect for it tbh, it seems pointless to me unless you're using it to deal with stress (which is obviously a bad thing!!).

TattyCat · 05/10/2016 12:55

Well, easing back on the drinking or stopping completely may make the difference, but there's more to it imo. The drink just brings it to a head.

Op, have you been the same in other relationships? What is it about this one that makes you behave in this way when you've been drinking?

TattyCat · 05/10/2016 12:57

And what is it that you're bottling up? Why do you need to?