Drunkenly ranted at DP and now don't know how to fix it

[showsomeclass]

This is about the fourth time I have done this since being with my DP of 2 1/2 years

I bottle things up, then it all comes out in a drunken rant. I can hardly remember what I said but remember enough to know it would have not gone down well and I multiplied the feeling of what I really meant by about a million percent

Basically, we've been together for 2 1/2 years and spend every weekend together. We don't live together because he needs to live near his DD and work, and I have 2 DD's in my town and can't yet move. It's not a huge issue to me at the moment as we enjoy our weekends together and talk and text every day

We went out on Sunday night (I don't normally stay Sundays) and bumped into his Ex girlfriend and her new husband. They still have a close friendship which has always been a bit of an issue to me but after talking at length to them both about it, and the fact she has now married someone else, I felt I needed to accept it. I actually really like her!

But on Sunday, we were all quite drunk and someone said something that just triggered me off on a rant about their friendship. I said quite a lot of stuff that made everyone feel very awkward. When we got home I continued to rant until 2am

Since then, I've hardly heard from him... I left him a note on Monday morning apologising for the drunken rant and I that I was concerned I had damaged our relationship. He texted me later that morning saying I had nothing to apologise for and he loves me millions. But he hasn't called me, hasn't texted me unless I have texted first (which has only been once yesterday and once the day before) so I obviously have created an issue

I feel so down, and stupid... I just want to know how he now feels about us and whether I have royally messed things up. I don't want to push him if he just needs to cool down, but don't want to avoid it completely if there is an issue

What would you do in my position? I'm due to see him again on Friday for the weekend, but feel very awkward and a bit on tender-hooks and uncertain and don't want to go through the whole weekend (and rest of the week) feeling like this. I'd like to be able to make things better, but don't want to grovel either....

Don't drink- obviously it doesn't agree with you.

You ultimately need to deal with his relationship with his ex partner. If you don't, it will just keep coming up.

If uou can't, let the poor man go- he deserves to not be nagged for being friends with his ex.

The poor bloke having a drunken, abusive gf who repeatedly shows herself up in public. You have a serious alcohol problem and he certainly doesn't deserve to be treated like this (neither do friends or acquaintances).
He needs to think long and hard whether there's any sense in continuing the relationship, especially as this isn't the first time.

Yes TattyCat - I agree and realise this

So my mission is to stop drinking, and talk more

I haven't been like this in other relationships no. I have been on the receiving end and alcohol and rants have been the cause of me ending them. I should have addressed this much earlier

This one - I think I love him and want to be with him more than I have any other man. I know that sounds silly and perhaps even childish, but because of this, I am afraid of talking to him about things that I have an issue about because they project me as being insecure and I'm afraid of scaring him off. So I bottle it all up, get drunk, and bang

Yes P1nkP0ppy - I know that

That is why I am trying to figure out whether that is what is happening, whether there is anything I can do to change his (perhaps, but don't know) decision and what to do to avoid it happening again in future if there is still one

The feeling of shame, regret and heart break is awful

I am afraid of talking to him about things that I have an issue about because they project me as being insecure and I'm afraid of scaring him off. So I bottle it all up, get drunk, and bang

This. This right here is where you need to start. Yes, stop drinking, but most importantly, you're not showing him the real you if you're hiding what you really feel. And that's not fair to him or to you. Your relationship can't be based on what you think he wants you to be. Start being you and go from there, otherwise you will never resolve it.

Be honest. Totally, totally honest. Insecurities and all... they will only go away if they are out in the open and your bf can start to understand you. Give him a chance to get to know you properly.

I will

I have recognised this before and just ignored it and been even more determined to not show the real me. But I totally recognise and am prepared to stop it and be open. I think I have been waiting to feel I can trust him with my feelings... I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I do now

I have been hurt before (hasn't everyone, I know) and cheated on by my ex DH with my best friend, so definitely have trust issues. He has done nothing but make me feel loved and completely transparent with his movements and feelings so I know I can be open with him

I have good news!! He just rang me!! He was upbeat, cheerful and chatty. He said he has just been really busy with work and fell asleep on the sofa early last night. I'm sure he has also been processing what happened on Sunday night too, but he obviously didn't want the silence to go on longer than it has either. I didn't mention anything, but am going to when I see him at the weekend and be very committed and positive and grateful to him for standing by me

I feel like the luckiest woman alive right now!

No don't get sucked back into the shame cycle I was concerned about this.
Your feelings of elation at his apparent forgiveness will make you forget your feelings of shame and you won't do anything meaningful about the problem that caused it in the first place.
Now he's validated your worth to him again by that phone call you are back on the roller coaster

OP you are taking all the things people are saying you really, really well.

Ignore the posters sticking the boot in and harping on and on about what you have already admitted that you need to do, posters like P1nkP0ppy

Just not necessary to be so bloody nasty is it. I've noticed lately there seem to be loads more of these types creeping into MN. They seem to get off on making others feel even shittier than they did pre posting. I feel sorry for them, what pathetic lives they must lead.

for you

Give you DP some space and time, things will right themselves eventually

Cross post !

But I knew it. He just needed some time.

But myusername is right, don't get back to this awful place again, sort it out once and for all for the sake of your sanity and your relationship.

Your feelings of elation at his apparent forgiveness will make you forget your feelings of shame and you won't do anything meaningful about the problem that caused it in the first place.

Yep, also recognise this. I found that if I tried to open up communication with exDP, I would wait until the last incident had blown over, then either feel that I didn't need to talk about anything after all (!) or didn't want to 'ruin' the current good feeling by discussing anything I felt was an issue. Cue... the cycle started all over again. Really, really hard to get out of and I clearly didn't, but understanding that that is a big part of it is possibly a good start!

Glad you've heard from him and I'll bet anything you disappear from this thread now because you don't need it!!!!

I'm really not myusername - I swear

Yes I'm elated, but I am not ever going to forget the awful awful feeling I had until now. I'm not going to slip back to 'normality' because I know I will lose him if I do

I am still going to stop drinking completely and I am still going to address my issues with insecurity and self-esteem - and also talk more about them with him. If things don't work out after that, I'd rather it be after being honest and real than because of pent up drunken ranted behaviour

Then good luck and best wishes and I hope things work out for you. Get out of the cycle and stay out!

Good luck Op. Be true to yourself first.

Thank you so so so so much for talking through this with me. It has really helped in so many ways

I WILL GET OUT AND STAY OUT

Good luck with stopping drinking, it really will help. There's the brave babes battle bus thread on here that is incredibly supportive to those with drink issues. I am glad your partner is standing by you. Sending you love, health and happiness for the future.

OP

You're very honest about your actions and the need to stop drinking. Most people have said what I would have, but I tend to be uncomfortable with friendships with Ex partners like your DH has.

I just don't see the need for it. My view is that an Ex is an Ex for a reason. But she's married and her husband is fine with it, so try and relax yourself and shake of the insecurities

I don't agree and that's because I have ex friends. Not all relationships end in hate and drama. If it's ended because you just don't suit one another anymore and realised you were better as friends why wouldn't you want to be friends with them? I think it is a good quality to have I would be more concerned about someone who had multiple bad break ups and dislike for their exes. I might slate mine on here but to new partners or new friends I don't tell them all his awful points because I honestly don't think that's right. I have a perfectly amicable relationship with my children's father (although he privately pisses me off) and his partner and I would socialise with them at family events and we go into each other's houses when we pick up and drop off kids.
I have other exes who are friends and one who is a real lovely guy and I would love to see him happy and settle down. He comes round for cups of tea and if someone was jealous of that and I hadn't done anything wrong I would question their jealous personality not my friendship.

I think OP knows she is being irrational about that because he's clearly a nice guy and she's met the ex and nothing is going on and it's about how she feels. No one should give up a perfectly innocent friendship even with an ex for a new partner unless it's crossing all kind of boundaries

I actually don't have a problem with them being friends. To be completely honest, I'm jealous of the quality, length and connection they have that DP and I don't - purely because they have been friends for about 23 years and have been through a lot together - as mates and as partners

As DP said to me, they have that connection purely because they have been such good friends for such a long time and we don't because we haven't (yet). But we do have something that they don't! (Love)

They have had two or three long term (3-4 years) relationships which I think makes me worry more. I hate feeling insecure and don't want to, and don't have real reason to be, just being honest!

There's really no need to be insecure OP. She's chosen to marry & he's chosen to be with you.

I agree with myusername Most relationships don't end for bad reasons, just because people have slept together before & have a bond, I don't see why people should stop being friends just because they are an ex.

Hope you get through all this and just be honest & don't bottle stuff up

And the good old Mumsnet double standards rear their head yet again.

Maisie I think OP knows she's been a bit of a prat and has issues she is going to address.
Is this a rule now that you can only give advice to the pure people who have never made a mistake or have unresolved emotional baggage they aren't dealing with very well and the rest must be locked in an 'abuser' box?
Is that what you mean that people shouldn't try to help other people on a sliding scale of their actions in that case no one would ever ask for advice and certainly never learn to change

As I said in an earlier post: if it was a man posting for advice on mn saying 'Shit, I know I've treated my dw badly whilst drunk and I want to make it right and get help' then we'd rally around him as much as we are for this op and others. Remember most op's are posting about completely unrepentant dp's who refuse to acknowledge they were in the wrong let alone seek help on a forum!

MN is NOT man hating, it's abusive and shitty behaviour hating.

Well done for thinking about what's happening and taking responsibility for your actions.

People who use alcohol as an excuse to act selfishly and out of control, well, not much interest in being around those people. Not much respect for their choices and the way they treat others. However, people who own up to having a bad relationship with alcohol, and are determined to work a way through it, both the alcohol and also the reasons behind it... They have my respect. Lots of it. Because that's tough and that shows how much that person cares about doing the right thing.

Exactly what miscellaneous said.
I'm an alcoholic in a shakey recovery. I've learnt a lot about myself and addiction in the last few months. Feel free to pm me if you want any practical advice or just a hand to hold.

Thank you. You have me overwhelmed with your understanding

I knew I was going to get some nasty or un-supportive comments but I needed to put this out there, partly to feel like I have shared it and partly to make my resolve even stronger. I know my habit and behaviour is damaging to myself and my relationships and it's not fair on other people

That is why I want to do something about it. I'm not trying to hide behind anything

I was at such an incredibly low place when I started this post. I had been crying for hours and thought I had lost one of the most important things in the world to me

I want to work at my lifestyle and habits and just my general person to make things better for everyone around me who don't deserve to suffer because of my actions

I have a feeling it isn't going to be easy, but I'm determined to see it through