Experts - "Nothings happened". Would you believe this?

[yohoohoo]

Found messages a month ago between DH and OW. Suspissions started on our hol. All the usual, his phone constantly glued to him and him looking at it, taking it in the bathroom etc. On our return I checked his emails and saw messages between the 2. Stuff over various messages from DH like "Hi sexy, hi gorgeous tried to call you but yr phones off. Ive sent you a really long message did you get it. Please let me know youve got it. Have a great flight and holiday send me a bikini photo. I miss you so much. From OW "Ive not heard from you dont forget you can email me. I miss your essays. Miss you too. Phones not working email me.

So when confronting turns out it was someone he met on a stag doone night whilst out end of July...he said he was stupid, just felt flattered by the attention and all theyve done is message nothings happened, didnt sleep together, no meet ups. The stag do was over a hundred miles away.

So my dilemmia is I just dont get it, it doesnt add up...we've had it out but so difficult to talk with DD around. and Ive told him I need time to process all if this. But I just cant move on. After meeting someone for 1 day/night 21 days later youre messaging all the above ????? and DH saying "I miss you so much" - that's the one line that got to me most. Or could an EA have formed over a short time.

Were talking this week and I need answers as it keeps going round and round in my head. What do others think?

My friend has visitors this weekend so not able to go. Tues ended up having a phone argument took DD to sn activity and he was at work and rang me. DH wants to know why I wanted to go thinks we should stick at it and talk it through. Told him Ive re read the messages and said I wanted to ask him more questions as stil cant work it all out he said I should throw them away and look forward he said he's told me everything and there is nothing else to say and we need to move forward to work it out I said it's easy for him to say. I get the feeling he's getting pee'd off that I keep going over the same old stuff again and again. Later he text me saying he's deeply sorry for what he's done and for hurting me and wants to make it work and we need to move forward and keep talking. So today we get 2 hours this morning after DD leaves. Never says a word other than chit chat I sat there and thought why should I again start up the conversation. I got ready and left and sent him a sarcastic mesage. Im so fed up of being up and down all the time. When will I move on

Oh I hear your frustrations. That book mamia 15 recommended is good. I have just handed it to mine, who just doesn't get it either. Its easy to read in no time and worth a try. I don't know if its the shame or what but they simply have to realise that so long as they maintain there self preservation tactics you will never 'move on'. Please don't cave into him without making him take responsibility for what he's put you through.

I told him he should be asking me every single minute of the day if Im ok and if I want to talk and I shouldnt have to tell him this. Im getting to the point where Im gettig fed up with it all now and wondering would I be that unhappy on my own but I know DD would be shattered

But he's not talking about the things you want, so it's very high-handed of him to expect you to be able to move forward. You've said what you want and he is refusing - you aren't the problem here.

Ultimately you can't force him, but I do think you would benefit from some head-space to weigh it all up - is getting away next weekend an option?

No it's half term and full diary

Have you told anyone in RL?

A month ago spoke to my friend on the phone but not since

He's desperate to "move forward" because so far he's got away with it and he's worried you'll find out more than you already have if you don't drop it and stop asking. Honestly, you cannot move forward if you're not sure what you're moving forward from. He has to be 100% honest, and you have to be 100% convinced (which is bloody hard when you've found proof he's been deceiving you for weeks). I would also not believe his bullshit story about 'nothing happened' and then 'it was only a kiss', she approached me, messaged a couple of days afterwards - no! You don't go from just a kiss off a random stranger and then not messaging them for a couple of days, to 3 weeks later phoning them, emailing them "essays" about your life and texting multiple times a day. There must have been a very much bigger bang to their initial meeting for that kind of contact afterwards.

Do yourself a massive favour and save yourself months/years of agonising over this. Book a lie detector. Tell him you have booked it and what your real dealbreaker questions are, like "Have you had sex with OW"? and "Have you contacted OW in any way since [date he supposedly ended it]?". If he refuses the lie detector or initially agrees but as the test draws near he starts saying stuff like "we need trust in the relationship or it's not worth having [so I'm not doing the test]" "I thought we'd been over this/got through this" or similar trying to weasel out of it then you have your answer. Don't settle for anything less than the whole truth, and know you will only get that by making him do the test.

You do need to speak to trusted friend or family member. It will help you, though this is difficult I felt the same. Because its confirming the nightmare is real, but it helps, it really does.
The sweeping it under the carpet will only prolong the agony for you and your child, just don't let that happen. Remember this is his shit and you don't clean it up for him. Stay strong.

Get some RL support as well as having us in your corner. It's very lonely otherwise and you have done anything wrong. You could do with a RL hug and a good cry.

Haven't*

Dont have anyone really that I ferl I could tell most would have a good old goss about it. Family would go ballistic

The other thing I'd add is that there's no rush. I know you want this agony of not knowing over and done, to have certainty so you can make a decision.

That's why your DH is an idiot. He thinks by minimising it can all go back to normal, back to the point where you had complete faith in him & life was easy with you but he's stomped on all that. And relationships are built on a foundation of respect and trust.

Do you trust him? No
Can you respect him? No

So actually what he has to worry about is not you 'forgiving' him now and it's all done & dusted but whether when all this immediate pain has eased whether you won't just look at him one day with contempt and think 'We're done. You're not worth this anxiety & uncertainty. I want better and I want out.'

That's why he needs to lay it out - the truth, otherwise it's over, It's just a matter of when.

Because if he's truthful about wanting to save his marriage, then he either needs you to be a fucking ostrich (his current stat) or for him to own his own actions, give you the whole truth and see if you want him after that.

Family can be tricky as they have to have a relationship with him after if you manage to work it out and their love & defence of you is a strong instinct.

But it's also what he depends upon,you keeping his secret and not having access to a network of support.

Yohoohoo, again I felt exactly the same, your nerves must be just shattered and you are probably underestimating family, friends. Tell who you do tell that you want the matter to be private. I know the thought of gossip is excruciating, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You might be surprised at how much empathy you will get from an old friend/relative. It will be a relief to you I'm almost sure. I was frightened of my families reaction too, but their concern was for me, and it was huge relief to tell them.

There's only my sister but she has a few probs with her health at the mo so dont want to put this on her. Will see what next week brings

I know yohoohoo, it never seems to rain but it pours. I don't know your sistersvproblems but suspect she might want to be there for you if she could, but I understand your fears, this is a major thing for you too and we all need support at these times.

Very sorry to say this but my soon to be exh did exactly this almost word for word 8 years ago. At the time accepted his lies that nothing really happened was just flattered etc. Unfortunately it was just that all lies, it doesn't get better and if you are like me you will waste years of your life. Later found out it wasn't just this once, had done other things over the years, wasn't really sorry, just sorry I found out, wanted me to forget it, called me unreasonable etc. Long shot is he has just had an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter and left me and children. Don't waste any more of your life.

Don't underestimate the importance of listening to your instincts - you cannot accept his version of what's happened because your gut feeling is screaming that its all a load of bollocks.

You know his story doesn't make sense, that he is hiding things from you and that he is minimising.

OP, this is awful for you, but you must for your own well being reach out to people in RL.

You are very isolated, and that's not good at a time like this.

He is minimising and by you keeping it all from family and friends you are enabling him. He is counting on you to continue bottling it all up. I totally agree with other pp, he's telling you the minimum he can get away with. You need the truth, because your imagination will send you mad otherwise. He thinks if he continues to deny, deny, deny you'll accept his version of events and in his words you'll 'move on'.

In other words he's trying to isolate you and wear you down into submission. This can't happen.

A man truly contrite, truly sorry, would walk over hot coals to please you right now, he would be honest, answer repeated questions with total transparency, even though he knows it could cost him his marriage. A real man would have the guts to own his mistakes, and the respect for you would outweigh his own selfish needs.

His current behaviour to me, screams of guilt.

You say his family would go ballistic if they knew. Well, perhaps in this case, ballistic might be a good thing. It would blow the whole thing open, force him to grow up and be accountable, and to face, own and sort his marriage out in an honest way. Right now he's betting on you to protect him.

Stop doing that, insist on the truth, insist that he answers everything you ask. If he doesn't, tell people. He can't sweep his dirty little secret under the carpet. Shine a bloody big light on it.

You hold more cards than you realise.

Good luck.

Out at a lovely park today DD is playing with a friend. We've sat on a bench and spoken again he is adament nothing else happened. He said he thinks I just want him to admit to something that didnt happen. One of the emails said Ive sent you a really long text and something else. I asked him what the something else was and he said I cant even remember. I said of course you must do. He cant understand why I keep going over and over it he said we should move forward...he said we have something worth fighting for. I repeated again I dont see how spending a few hours one night out esculated into the type of contact and messages that I saw. Je just says nothing else happened

I spent nearly a year in your position - trying to get the truth out of him, being told there was nothing to tell ('do you want me to make up an affair just to satisfy your suspicions?'), being told I'm paranoid, insecure and incapable of trust, being told how much he loves me and our life together. I knew all along in my heart he was lying but I kept trying to push it down...I wanted so much to believe his reassuring bullshit and sometimes I did...we'd have a lovely time together and I'd be happy for a bit, then that awful feeling would come bubbling up again. In the end I felt as if I was going to go completely mad...I couldn't sleep or eat and started having panic attacks. When i finally heard the awful words confirming he'd had an affair, it was a lot more agonising than I'd expected but a few weeks on I'm starting to recover. I'm sad and hurt but also relieved not to be stuck in that loop any more. I wish so much I hadn't wasted all that time. OP it's the hope that's making you useless - the hope that nothing really did happen between your husband and this woman. Thats why you back off from forcing the truth out of him - in a funny way you WANT him to repeat his stupid story each time so you can feel a tiny bit soothed for a few minutes. My advice would be to be brave and not prolong this any more. The truth is like a giant splinter under your skin, if you leave it there it will just get more and more painful.