Experts - "Nothings happened". Would you believe this?

[yohoohoo]

Found messages a month ago between DH and OW. Suspissions started on our hol. All the usual, his phone constantly glued to him and him looking at it, taking it in the bathroom etc. On our return I checked his emails and saw messages between the 2. Stuff over various messages from DH like "Hi sexy, hi gorgeous tried to call you but yr phones off. Ive sent you a really long message did you get it. Please let me know youve got it. Have a great flight and holiday send me a bikini photo. I miss you so much. From OW "Ive not heard from you dont forget you can email me. I miss your essays. Miss you too. Phones not working email me.

So when confronting turns out it was someone he met on a stag doone night whilst out end of July...he said he was stupid, just felt flattered by the attention and all theyve done is message nothings happened, didnt sleep together, no meet ups. The stag do was over a hundred miles away.

So my dilemmia is I just dont get it, it doesnt add up...we've had it out but so difficult to talk with DD around. and Ive told him I need time to process all if this. But I just cant move on. After meeting someone for 1 day/night 21 days later youre messaging all the above ????? and DH saying "I miss you so much" - that's the one line that got to me most. Or could an EA have formed over a short time.

Were talking this week and I need answers as it keeps going round and round in my head. What do others think?

Then what? He's had at the very least an emotional affair, with a kiss.....and possibly more than that.

He goes, simple as that, not just for lying but actually cheating and being a deceitful lying git, or do you suggest the OP just carries on merrily as though nothing has happened, great for him yes, not so much for her.

I thought if someone treated you like crap you had the right to tell them to piss off, at least until you had time to process and get your head around things, it's very hard to do that with the person stuck in front of your face. It's called a consequence, he needs to feel what he has to lose, not feel oh well she's swallowed my BS and is sweeping it under the carpet, the trust has already been broken by him, he's more than capable of an affair I'd say.

Lesis, op needs to establish the truth in order to know what way to turn. If he is lying even now then , no that is no way to move on with a relationship. No trust = no relationship.

Hi sexy, hi gorgeous tried to call you but yr phones off

So there's been phone calls not just texts although he said it was just messages.........no wonder the OP still doesn't know what to believe.

Humblebee I get that but what I'm saying is, what if that is the truth? Yes we knew they minimise, they get caught with the hand in the cookie jar and say the only had one etc etc but does everyone who messages crap (words are cheap after all) and has a kiss sleep with someone else? Categorically no. So OP may never get any more than what she is getting now. So then what? End a marriage because of lack of trust - totally understandable - but this may just be the truth and OP may be ok with that. That's all I'm saying.

May be ok with the lack of trust?

I don't think it matters if he has had sex or not, he's lied, deceived, cheated (kissing) at the very least, all totally acceptable reasons to end any relationship, whether married or not.

I think doing nothing about it is the wrong thing to do, he needs to feel a consequence of what he has done cos it's a really shitty thing to do to your partner.

I'd imagine it would still being going on too if he hadn't been caught out.

I am just amazed that he is not moving heaven and earth to help the OP understand, it just sounds to me like he wants it all forgotten, makes life a lot easier for him.

I'm sure he does want it all forgotten, isn't that the most usual human response to guilt? I'm not disagreeing by the way, he's done a crap thing and ruined the trust in his relationship and for what.

Hi yohoohoo

My first husband was a cheat. So, I hope I can give you some advice here. In my case, I didn't know anything for sure, but during our 20 year relationship, I had lots of occasions where I felt something wasn't right. I'd question him. He'd always come up with a convincing explanation. I couldn't act just on gut instinct alone, as I could never find proof. In the end a friend told me the truth and the whole sorry tale came to light - over 10 women (and I'm sure many more I didn't find out about).

There are lots of things that bother me here :

He says that she approached him...not sure I believe that, but even so, giving him the benefit of the doubt, his response when she asked for his number, was to give it, when he should have said "sorry, but I'm married".

He says he met her that night. So, he was willing to risk his marriage and family life for a stranger? It's not someone he was close to at work, and unintentionally started to develop feelings for. He is literally willing to lose you, for someone he doesn't have any feelings for. It's purely a sexual attraction. So, a quick shag and some flattery?

You don't "miss" someone, unless you were with them before "the missing".

Why would grown adults, who swap numbers and snog, not take it further that night? Presumably he had a hotel room. And she probably lived in the town that the casino was in. They're randy and have had alcohol. Not sure I buy that.

If you don't (at the very least) make him leave for a while, he will think he has got away with this. So, what do you think will happen when he is next in a bar, and gets chatting to a pretty lady? Behave the same, imo. But cover his tracks better.

You'll never get to the bottom of this, but imo, what you already know makes this a deal breaker. You may not LTB today or next week, or next month. It's very hard to do (it took me 4 years). But one day it will all come to a head, because from now on you're going to be a paranoid wreck every time he goes out, and it will wear you down.

As an aside, is the OW married? If she was having an affair (emotional or otherwise) with your DH, knowing about you and your DD, then I'm afraid I would want to throw a hand grenade in to her life by telling her DH, just exactly what she has been up to.

Op, whether you stay with your husband or not, you have to accept that you will never fully trust him again. I'm sorry for the hurt that you are feeling at the moment.

I suspect that your DH isn't going to tell you everything that happened so it will be up to you to decide if you can get past this or not.

I agree with PPs, call his bluff on the lie detector test.
Tell him you've thought it through and can he arrange it and you will attend with him.
His response to this will be telling.
Then go through with it.
It will help put your mind at rest if he passes and it will confirm things if he doesn't.
From there you can decide what you want to do.
But if he's offering then take that offer and get your head space sorted by the results.

Thank you everyone. Ive never until this had reason to doubt or mis trust ever. Huskey everything you mention Ive asked ... you were willing to chance your family? You voluntarily gave your contacy details, you dont know why you missed OW or said it. He keeps saying how stipid senseless and an idiot he's been, how it was pure vanity and flattery on his part. You would think it would be all clear cut and for some of you it would be. I just feel well drained with it all. Yes I do have a choice and still Im finding it hard. I feel so much stronger than I did weeks ago think the shock has passes.

The lie detector ummmm not sure about that. Im thinking about dropping the OW an email but I know that isnt right

Check his mobile, if on contract get him to get a print out of text to her number. If he won't that says it all !
If you mean that much to him, he will do anything to justify this

If he's using whatsapp that's anything', not sure they show up

Is she a local girl? Does she live very far from you? Meet ups possible

He's just making excuses. Damage limitation. If you strip it back to the bare bones, what it boils down to, is that if he is talking to an attractive woman, he is willing, and able, to swap numbers and start inappropriate sexual chat, e-mails and talking (and that's what we know about - there could have been meet ups). This is who he is. It's who he is today. And it's who he will be, tomorrow. I know this isn't what you want to hear. It's fucking heartbreaking and devastating. But it is, what it is. You've seen it, in black and white.

You don't need a lie detector. What he has done that you know about, is bad enough to shake your relationship to the core.

Anyway, you don't need to make any snap decisions. Like I said before, it took me 4 years to leave. Over that time, he just kept on being sleazy and I got wearier and wearier. Then, one night when I was in a bar with friends, a very good looking guy started to chat me up. And something inside me just snapped. I thought "fuck it, I've been faithful my whole life to that prick, he's totally broken us and if I want to snog this handsome man, I fucking will". And I did. And it was awesome. That was the day I woke up, and realised there are PLENTY of fish in the sea.

Happily re-married now. And DH would never, ever cheat. He's the polar opposite to ExH.

Take your time. Start looking after yourself. Have more time with friends, going out. Pay him no attention. Re-build your confidence. Flirt if you fancy. Find you again.

He's a knob. x

Well be prepared for OW to ignore you - or tell you some home truths that you would perhaps not want to face given that you're determined to stay with your husband. You risk poking a hornet's nest, you really do.

I completely understand why you want to believe your husband's minimising - and indeed, minimise things yourself. How can you not? You want to stay with him and to face up to some ugly truths might rock your foundations too much so you won't risk that.

I don't think you want the truth at all, what you want is something that's believable so that you can salvage your hurt pride and be comfortable in forgiveness. I think your husband will be very happy to oblige with stuffing you full of palatable 'nothings' so it should work out ok for you.

I wish you peace in your decision and hope that your husband doesn't allow himself to do this again. Realistically though, he can so you may win this particular 'battle' but the war is lost.

A lie detector? The more he comes up with rubbish like this, the less I would believe him. Someone who needs to protest that much rather than showing through actions past present and future, is lying. In my opinion. And past experience...

I'm sorry, utility he's lying through his teeth. He's playing the innocent card and he didn't chase her at all? Typical script. I did nothing wrong, she chased me, I was flattered and enjoyed it, I feel neglected at home blah, blah,blah.
Please see through his lies.

Ask the OW, that's the only way your going to get the truth. He is minimising what has happened, I wouldn't believe a word he says. Sorry your going through this, it's shit, I've been there

I tell my boyfriend I miss him so much. We've definitely shagged.

Id ask ow - it's the only way you will know.

I'm not a cynic but I too think he's lying.

He's had time to think about that night and yet weeks later is calling her sexy and asking for bikini pics? He obviously hadn't been feeling guilty about it.

The only option you open to you is to ask the OW. You have no other means of getting further information.

He is not telling you the whole story. He just isn't.
Whether you choose to stick your head in the sand or not is up to you now. Just keep asking yourself what would you want your kids to do if they were in the same position. That's guided me through some tough times. My heart goes out to you. You deserve to know the truth, and to know what kind of man you're married to. What you know is enough to end a relationship, but you could work through it. If you believe him. And you have no reason to.

Well Ive had a few days to try and focus and get myself in a better place. Decided not to contact the OW, weighing it up Im never going to know if it’s the truth whether it’s from DH or OW am I? In the long run the only person who will suffer, again, will be me.

I think I was in total shock 5 weeks ago, nothing has ever, ever happened like this before, Ive never ever had, in over 20 years, a minute to question DH or had any kind of gut feeling something was a miss in 20 years!!! OK Im not saying our marriage was perfect well in fact it was good we’ve both already agreed on that, ok we may have taken each other for granted a little. So I can understand why I felt overwhelmed and distraught in how I felt when I first found the messages etc...just hoping I dont get back to how I felt then. But I do just feel “stuck”...that’s the only way to describe it. I know I dont have to make my decision now, I know I can take as long as I like. I know the ball is in my court and it’s my decision how I act upon this. Life with DD, work etc... is very busy at the moment so it’s taking my mind off it for a few hours in the day...such a complete mess DH has forced upon us. I dont feel I can make any decisions about Christmas, NY, birthday’s, holidays etc... I feel as if time has stopped still. DD is oblivious to all of what’s gone on thankfully, settled at school now as well and in fact so happy this weekend.

DH and I have spoken again and Ive given him the opportunity for the last time to tell me again if there is anything else I need to know, if anything else went off...if he spent the night with OW that weekend or after. Ive told him if it did he has to tell me now once and for all, he swears nothing else went off, he says he is genuinely sorry for hurting me so much and knows it was utterly unforgiveable (too right) and that he was extremely stupid for acting upon something that could of/could lose him his family and that is not what he wants. He did say he hasnt thought about anything or anyone else, he wants his family and wants our future. My head is saying get him to go, start a fresh now while I can, what he has done is enough surely, I wont ever forgive him, how can we move on if I dont trust him, respect him. Then the other side of me is saying I want my marriage to work, I want my/our family, I cant, cant bare to see DD hurt/upset in what this would do. Is it wrong for me to want to get us back to where we were, am I wrong for feel I want to fight for us, 20 years a huge amount of years, memories to give up on. It is a gamble and the unknown and am I letting everyone down including myself if I do?

Of course you aren't wrong.
This is your life and your marriage and your family.
All we know is what you have written on your screen.
Many couples come out of something like this, better and stronger.
No reason why you can't.
The only thing that I'm not sure of is am I wrong for feel I want to fight for us - You can't fight for your marriage on your own.
As long as your DH is prepared to put in the work then I don't see a reason why you can't just take your time and see how things work out!?
Don't make any final decisions. You can say your will try and you can try.
It may work out brilliantly. It may be that you can't forgive.
But you won't know until you try!

Nothing wrong in wanting to save your marriage and try again, he's lucky you feel that way.

The trust will have to be earned again from his pov; he has a lot of hard work to put in so see this as a test of just how much he does love his family, it's all very well saying that now since you caught him, he never confessed anything and is still not telling you the whole truth, but, if you are prepared to accept his story and work on the relationship then that's exactly what you should do, it's just a shame because I think deep down you know he hasn't told you everything but maybe you don't need to know that now.

I feel "guilty" almost that if I do the latter Im letting the side down so to speak - do you understand? It is sooooo very easy to say LTB and I hold my hands up yes I would of said the same 5 weeks ago and never, ever thought I would be here thinking the opposite.

Adora - yes you're right there is that, I do wonder if anything else happened and I know and can truthfully say 100% it would be the end and he knows that too. I even said to him don't care how bad it is tell me if there is anything else so we can sort it. Just don't know if I will ever know if he has told me everything, suppose will never know.

Other things that are unsettling me are - I love my DH but at the moment I don't "like" him very much, sometimes I cant look at him. I keep seeing holiday offers, weekends away, family days out that I think ooo that would be lovely to do that - then have to stop myself from chatting about it as it's not right and Im not there yet. Feel sad today