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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Experts - "Nothings happened". Would you believe this?

172 replies

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 20:19

Found messages a month ago between DH and OW. Suspissions started on our hol. All the usual, his phone constantly glued to him and him looking at it, taking it in the bathroom etc. On our return I checked his emails and saw messages between the 2. Stuff over various messages from DH like "Hi sexy, hi gorgeous tried to call you but yr phones off. Ive sent you a really long message did you get it. Please let me know youve got it. Have a great flight and holiday send me a bikini photo. I miss you so much. From OW "Ive not heard from you dont forget you can email me. I miss your essays. Miss you too. Phones not working email me.

So when confronting turns out it was someone he met on a stag doone night whilst out end of July...he said he was stupid, just felt flattered by the attention and all theyve done is message nothings happened, didnt sleep together, no meet ups. The stag do was over a hundred miles away.

So my dilemmia is I just dont get it, it doesnt add up...we've had it out but so difficult to talk with DD around. and Ive told him I need time to process all if this. But I just cant move on. After meeting someone for 1 day/night 21 days later youre messaging all the above ????? and DH saying "I miss you so much" - that's the one line that got to me most. Or could an EA have formed over a short time.

Were talking this week and I need answers as it keeps going round and round in my head. What do others think?

OP posts:
adora1 · 04/10/2016 11:40

It doesn't sit well with you because your logic is telling you it just does not add up, like most cheaters, the story never does sound quite right, mainly because they are telling you the bare minimum.

IrianOfW · 04/10/2016 11:48

I don't think it matters whether they had sex or not. I don;t think it matters whether they ever intended to or not. He was expressing inappropriate feelings towards a woman that wasn't you. THAT is what matters. So tell him to knock it off with the 'nothing happened' because it did, you saw it in black and white.

Your dunderhead of a H need to get that what YOU KNOW happened is enough to do a great deal of damage and that unless he starts to take it seriously there is no hope for your marriage. Twat! Angry

Cabrinha · 04/10/2016 12:13

How can you say that he's doing everything right, when he hasn't even told you the truth?
He's not doing anything right Angry

AnyFucker · 04/10/2016 12:20

Yep. He is doing it all wrong, not right. The truth would be a good starting point.

Original poster
yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 12:20

It is very easy for some to say "kick him out I would". I too would of said that before all this BUT when it actually happens to you, your life it really does knock you for six. I also have my DD who has just started high school and isn't adjusting as well as I thought, poorly Mom who has been in and out of hospital and although I know what I should be doing I need time...I need time to take it all in, process etc...

I suppose everyone handles stuff, almost grief, in their own way. For me at this moment in time is the way Im dealing with it. When I first found out I was a mess, very, very emotional but now I feel abit stronger started to eat and sleep so like Ive said I need to know the facts. I can break him down I know I can. If I cant I don't think contacting the OW is an idea. It just ignites the contact again plus I want to hear it from him

OP posts:
Original poster
yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 12:23

When I said he's doing all the right things, I meant not hiding his phone, being more considerate to me etc... Yes I know it's all guilt and stuff Im not stupid...well I say that!

OP posts:
adora1 · 04/10/2016 12:25

You shouldn't have to break him down, it's out there so he should be honest with you if he really wants to salvage any respect you may have left for him, by not telling you or making you ill by having to drag it out of him really is just another kick to you and I'd not tolerate it OP, he obviously thinks he can sit tight and it will wash over you eventually but the fact is there has been no full disclosure at all so you cant move on until he actually admits what he has done and tells you all the gory details....I think he is being very cruel by holding you in limbo like this, hardly the actions of a man desperate to save his marriage and make up in any way he can to his poor wife.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2016 12:27

Break him down ?

You shouldn't have to do that. If he had any respect for you at all he would tell you the truth. Only then could you even consider rebuilding.

Original poster
yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 12:32

Yes I know that I shouldn't have to, but as most have said he wont volunteer the truth it's all damage limitation and yes hoping it will all die down. Very difficult to talk as DD always, always around but we've both taken a day off work this week to talk.

OP posts:
adora1 · 04/10/2016 12:38

so he wants you just to forget all about it, easy for him but impossible for you!

How is hiding it under the carpet going to help - he did it, he could do it again, without full exploration of the why's and when's, you will not be able to carry on and get to a good place, it's still all about him and him ensuring he is protected.

I really hope he gets the message when you talk to him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/10/2016 12:39

It's not actually easy to say 'kick him out', OP. Some of us have been there before and know that it's anything but easy.

The truth of the matter is this (in my opinion), you can sweep it under the carpet and accept what he gives you in terms of information and making-up but you know, deep down, that it's built on a lie. Unless you are extremely adept at compartmentalising yourself, it is going to come crashing down on your sooner or later.

If you take action sooner - even asking him to leave temporarily - it will hurt you less in the longer run because it's affirmative action based on his lying to you. If you take the 'do nothing' option then everything that he does from this point - even the nice stuff - will be tainted when you find out the truth later.

I agree with AF very much; you can't rebuild without knowing the truth and your husband is being cowardly not to give you the respect of it. I won't call him names because that will just give you leave to defend him against them. I'm calling his behaviour, which is plain for anybody to see.

You can come back from this, both of you, but not like this. You need the truth and time to come to terms with what has happened - all of it - not the snippets that he's giving you.

Cabrinha · 04/10/2016 15:47

All the right things = not hiding his phone and being considerate. (and still refusing you the truth, of course)

News flash: my boyfriend doesn't hide his phone, and he's always considerate. And he hasn't cheated on me. Do not give this arsehole any credit for behaving normally.

I know it feels easy got other people to say, but hard to do. I stayed with a cheat myself (who never told me the truth - don't be so certain you can break him down - he's shown you he's good at lying and treating you like shit) because I had a child with him.

Good luck with the talking on your day off - I hope you get the truth you need. But please - don't think that him behaving well now is anything more than the absolute minimum.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2016 15:58

Many cheaters have a second, secret phone. Not many brownie points in my book for being open with the one you know about.

Original poster
yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 22:20

No 2nd phone Im sure of it

OP posts:
SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace · 04/10/2016 22:27

Notifications turned off, then carefully leaving it in your sight? 'Look, no messages!!'

Original poster
yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 22:37

Huh? There are messages showing but not from OW

OP posts:
timelytess · 04/10/2016 22:38

But I cant and wont move on or start to make decisions until I know the whole truth
You will never get the whole truth from him, and you are mistaken to think you need it. That's just instinct, trying to find an excuse to hold on to the relationship rather than see your life with him disappear before your eyes.
It's too late. He's unfaithful. Your decision is 'Do I live with that or not?'

Yoarchie · 04/10/2016 22:46

The thing is about cheaters is that they will not tell you the truth until they cannot lie any more. They drip feed bits info to admit to a fraction of what they've really done. Why would he admit to something you have no proof of when he could instead admit to a lesser crime.

I'd ask the OW. Don't necessarily expect the truth but if he could have tricked her as well so she might be forthcoming. Although you say you need to hear it from him, you can do that as well, not instead of contacting OW.

Lilacpink40 · 04/10/2016 22:52

OP you really need to ask him "why did you say you were missing her - what were you missing?"

He'll either give you the horrible truth then you have to decide whether you can still be with him or he'll completely twist your words and again it's up to you to chose.

When I found out about my ex I wanted a slow separation to help our DCs, but in the end he rushed things. So I can understand if you need time to think and are putting your DD first, but try to be honest with yourself: he's not reliable.

chattygranny · 04/10/2016 22:52

I wish people wouldn't say LTB so flippantly. This is a marriage and a family. Yes he's behaved abominably. Yes you may not have had the whole truth. Yet he ended whatever was going on in OP's presence and has behaved in a contrite manner since then, doing all he can to redeem the situation. I certainly don't agree with PPs that you should contact OW, keep the moral high ground. I'm not even sure you should torture yourself with the details of his tawdry mess. Counselling for the two of you sounds a sensible plan. My OH did something similar before we were married or had DCs, he knew he'd messed up but I kept obsessing over the OW. We rebuilt our relationship and have been happily married for many years with no recurrence. We have DCs and DGCs together. I think sometimes people might need a second chance. Scuttling away now with hands over ears to drown out the abuse which will be coming my way...

Cabrinha · 04/10/2016 23:17

Not abuse, but genuine question chattygranny why do you say he's done all he can to redeem himself, when he refused to even tell her the truth?

Humblebee1 · 04/10/2016 23:31

Op I feel so sorry you're going through this. You are not the first nor the last and there is nothing you can do except take each day as it comes. Try and write things down so you can clarify what you need to know and don't let him fob you off with easy answers. Tell him that if he has the slightest bit of remorse and if there is the remotest chance of being back together you will need the truth, he owes you it. You know when you're being lied to and your not as stupid as he is. I understand you're need to know the details, it's the shock. It may cause you more pain however. You really just need time to figure out if you can really truly forgive. Sometimes the damage is too much, which is so tough to take, since he has made the choices. So awful for you.

Humblebee1 · 04/10/2016 23:38

chattygranny I think you have a point and its good to give a balanced opinion because Ltb is not the solution for everyone. Being able to offload, clarify and weigh things up with neutral people always helps keep you sane at times like this though.

Original poster
yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 23:44

Lilac yes I do need to ask that question...I just find it so hard to think that something happened so quickly. Humble as well def need to write down a list I have many questions fighting around in my head. Yes truth maybe painful but I need to know.

I feel like Im hanging off the end of a cliff scrabbling to climb back to the surface but I can only move and find the strength bit by bit. I may well be clinging on I dont know.

I couldnt imagine seeimg a councillor

OP posts:
Original poster
yohoohoo · 04/10/2016 23:46

Chattygranny how long did it take to rebuild the trust

OP posts:
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