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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Experts - "Nothings happened". Would you believe this?

172 replies

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 20:19

Found messages a month ago between DH and OW. Suspissions started on our hol. All the usual, his phone constantly glued to him and him looking at it, taking it in the bathroom etc. On our return I checked his emails and saw messages between the 2. Stuff over various messages from DH like "Hi sexy, hi gorgeous tried to call you but yr phones off. Ive sent you a really long message did you get it. Please let me know youve got it. Have a great flight and holiday send me a bikini photo. I miss you so much. From OW "Ive not heard from you dont forget you can email me. I miss your essays. Miss you too. Phones not working email me.

So when confronting turns out it was someone he met on a stag doone night whilst out end of July...he said he was stupid, just felt flattered by the attention and all theyve done is message nothings happened, didnt sleep together, no meet ups. The stag do was over a hundred miles away.

So my dilemmia is I just dont get it, it doesnt add up...we've had it out but so difficult to talk with DD around. and Ive told him I need time to process all if this. But I just cant move on. After meeting someone for 1 day/night 21 days later youre messaging all the above ????? and DH saying "I miss you so much" - that's the one line that got to me most. Or could an EA have formed over a short time.

Were talking this week and I need answers as it keeps going round and round in my head. What do others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
yohoohoo · 05/10/2016 08:09

Ok so today is when we're talking. My heads all over need to write it all down. I need to know the facts when, where they met what really happened to trigger quite intimate messages etc. I want to know why he told her he missed her so much and what was he missing...want to see his mobile bills which should match up dates at least and a bank statement from around this time. Also why they exchanged mobile and email what for. I need to word it so that he has no choice but to tell me. There is no future or even the though if working through this if I dont know the truth

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 05/10/2016 08:21

Can you find the emails 'essays'?

Can you talk to his friends who were on the stag-do? You know it might not have been there when he first met her?

Humblebee1 · 05/10/2016 08:23

Stay strong yohoohoo, remember you have the moral high ground over this twat. You don't deserve to be coping with this pathetic behaviour. I suspect he has some warped sense of entitlement and its just easier to get cheap thrills than work at and value a loving long term relationship. You need to demand respect from him before you even begin to thing about moving on. Good luck.

Original poster
yohoohoo · 05/10/2016 08:44

Thank you. I may never know the truth hiw far would this of gone if I didnt catch him out may never know that either. My gut is telling me there is more abd it's been spot on so far

OP posts:
Humblebee1 · 05/10/2016 09:01

Yep, op, your gut is usually right. Remember, try to keep your self control and that he is the one in the wrong, its his mess and its his problem. Don't let him destroy your self respect. Think what would your advice would be to your sister in the same boat, because that's what you'll wish you did once the pain has subsided.

TrippyMcTrapFace · 05/10/2016 09:09

OP you're getting the same responses as you did on your previous thread about this.
Your H is unlikely to tell you the truth. He will tell you the least amount he thinks he can get away with.

donajimena · 05/10/2016 09:11

Best of luck.

Humblebee1 · 05/10/2016 09:18

Have you tried changing your approach?
This situation is your worst scenario but its happened andaybe show him you have it under control.
You can only work with what you've got. Be assertive. Spell out its not good enough and command respect and stick to it. The pain later will subside, you can't let this ware you down.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 05/10/2016 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scarydinosaurs · 05/10/2016 09:49

Good luck. I hope you get some answers. You can't make a decision based on your whole future without knowing the truth.

Humblebee1 · 05/10/2016 09:50

Yes whatyouseeiswhatyouget, you are right, but its making the right decision that's difficult, its trying to find yourself amid all the emotional turmoil that's difficult and not allowing someone to control and manipulate you when your down.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/10/2016 10:02

Have you seen the emails? In his email account, so he can't edit them? There must be a few.

It's the least that he can do to show you, so you can fill in some gaps. If he won't, there's something in that email that he doesn't want you to see, so he's still hiding things from you.

I'd imagine he'll be a bit embarrassed having his wife read his slushy essays to his OW, but compared to how he's made you feel, embarrassment is nothing.

loobyloo1234 · 05/10/2016 10:13

OP - you don't say you miss someone you met on a night out. You just don't. Something physical has happened, then and presumably since

Do you know where she lives? Has he spent any nights away since the stag do?

I agree with some PP - LTB isn't always the automatic solution. However, you do need to know the truth to be able to figure out what it is that you want to do next

PS 'send me a bikini photo' - I think I just threw up. Gross

HapShawl · 05/10/2016 12:36

No one mentioned LTB on this thread until chattygranny, let alone "flippantly"!

Asking the cheating partner to leave, whether that ends up being temporary or permanent, is often a sensible first step

Agree OP that you need to keep in mind that he will not admit more than he has to. I don't know how he can say "nothing happened" when his own messages are something in themselves

Original poster
yohoohoo · 05/10/2016 14:30

Ok so they met at a bar she approached him he was flattered. Their party and his ended up at a casino they talked exchanged numbers dnd of night she went home in a taxi. Nothing happened as in they didnt spend the night together although he did admit to kissing her. She made contact first by text few days later. He swears he was flattered by all her attention and got carried away with ths attention and supposed excitement of it all. He realised how bad he's behaved and hiw wrong it was. He never ever would of took it any further. He doesnt know why he said he missed her he said maybe it was the messages he missed( she was on holiday) he said. He swears blind it was just text email etc no meet ups or anything. He wants our family back together realises he's done alot of damage to us and to me and hates himself for it. Has even suggested a lie detecter test to prove he didnot sleep with OW

OP posts:
Kikibanana86 · 05/10/2016 14:36

Call his bluff on the lie detector and look at his reaction...

adora1 · 05/10/2016 14:42

He is full of BS OP, sorry, they all say that, lie detector, yeah right.

I'm afraid he is sticking with his original lie.

I miss you so much - is not a message you send to someone you only met briefly the once, you just don't, it's definitely been an EA, if not physical too, esp if he was away for the night on a stag do.

What you should have done but still can is kick him out and refuse any communication until he comes clean.

And even if it is as he says, why is he still there OP?

LesisMiserable · 05/10/2016 14:45

What if he has come clean and the bottom line is he has missed the messages? Everyone saying kick him out - what if he's now telling the truth?

What does he have to do? Confess to something he hasn't done? The whole sack cloth and ashes thing?

I'm not being contentious but short of an actual lie detector, what can he (or anyone else for that matter) do at this stage?

Bagina · 05/10/2016 14:48

LesisMiserable so it's OK to kiss another woman? It's OK to ask for dirty pics? Not in my relationship!

adora1 · 05/10/2016 14:50

Because he originally said nothing happened, now it turns out it was a kiss, he was away from home for the night too, it just doesn't add up that you would be sending miss you messages to someone you barely knew!

Perhaps nothing physical did happen, although a kiss in my mind, is pretty intimate in itself. The hiding the phone, missing you, send me a bikini pic, you honestly think that is all innocent? I don't.

As for missed the message, just no.

At this stage, she should kick him out for one, cheating and two, lying about it.

LesisMiserable · 05/10/2016 14:55

No it isn't. But it's fairly obvious to anyone who can read that OP ultimately wants to be with him. So short of wiring him up to a lie detector, where is there to go with this? So he says nothing else happened - the majority of MN don't believe him, the OP probably desperately wants to believe him. And what? Someone suggested throw him out until he comes clean. What if he already has? Then what. What's the MN contingency for this?

LesisMiserable · 05/10/2016 14:56

None of it is 'innocent' - that doesn't mean he slept with her. It's up to the OP where her barr is set.

Humblebee1 · 05/10/2016 14:56

Hmmm. Op does your gut tell you he is all about self preservation/damage limitation. Does he have snapchat/WhatsApp. Have you checked all banking transactions. Are his whereabouts accountable at all times?

Bagina · 05/10/2016 14:58

LesisMiserable you're absolutely right.

LesisMiserable · 05/10/2016 14:58

For someone to say "Are his whereabouts accountable at all times" - that's just scary. It's a relationship not a police state Hmm If OP doesn't trust him anymore nothing he says will make it better, if she wants to make it work, nothing he does will put her off but this being accountable at all times malarkey - that's no way to live life, for either party.