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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Experts - "Nothings happened". Would you believe this?

172 replies

yohoohoo · 03/10/2016 20:19

Found messages a month ago between DH and OW. Suspissions started on our hol. All the usual, his phone constantly glued to him and him looking at it, taking it in the bathroom etc. On our return I checked his emails and saw messages between the 2. Stuff over various messages from DH like "Hi sexy, hi gorgeous tried to call you but yr phones off. Ive sent you a really long message did you get it. Please let me know youve got it. Have a great flight and holiday send me a bikini photo. I miss you so much. From OW "Ive not heard from you dont forget you can email me. I miss your essays. Miss you too. Phones not working email me.

So when confronting turns out it was someone he met on a stag doone night whilst out end of July...he said he was stupid, just felt flattered by the attention and all theyve done is message nothings happened, didnt sleep together, no meet ups. The stag do was over a hundred miles away.

So my dilemmia is I just dont get it, it doesnt add up...we've had it out but so difficult to talk with DD around. and Ive told him I need time to process all if this. But I just cant move on. After meeting someone for 1 day/night 21 days later youre messaging all the above ????? and DH saying "I miss you so much" - that's the one line that got to me most. Or could an EA have formed over a short time.

Were talking this week and I need answers as it keeps going round and round in my head. What do others think?

OP posts:
Original poster
yohoohoo · 10/10/2016 16:39

Yes that's what's putting me off contacting OW Lotsofponies also it's my last once of dignity Im holding onto. No friends or family he could go to.

My friend in RL suggested counselling but I don't think I could I don't feel I could do it

OP posts:
adora1 · 10/10/2016 16:51

So really nothing has changed for him, he still has his cosy home life and to the outside world everything is rosy, in essence, his dirty secret is being kept by you, I hope you have at least confided in a friend, you should not be complicit in his actions, they are his alone to own.

What gets me is if he actually risked his marriage over a snog and flirty messages, what else is he capable of because to do that shows a fundamental respect for the relationship.

I just hate how he gets to carry on in his comfy life whilst you are left trying to work yours out.

adora1 · 10/10/2016 16:52

disrespect.

brodchengretchen · 10/10/2016 16:57

This it the last time I'll comment because it's your thread OP. You talk of dignity - your dignity as far as OH is concerned is non-existent, it's already gone, he has fucked elsewhere. Therefore you have nothing to lose except your self-respect. Going to see a counsellor will be just another person for OH to lie to.

Unless you can find your fight OP this will all just go to hell in a hand cart. Go back and read AF's posts, and chuck OH the hell out until he will agree to tell you the absolute truth. Otherwise you will have a relationship based on lies and I for one can't see why on earth you would think you deserve that.

Lotsofponies · 10/10/2016 16:58

Why don't you feel you can do counselling? I would have poo poo'ed it before I tried, it really helped me see things clearly. If nothing else you will be doing something for yourself which in itself is very good for your self esteem.

Another thing I found useful was to explore my finances. Maintenance, tax credits, my wage, what was my house worth, what sort of mortgage/rent I could afford. Knowing that I could manage perfectly well on my own meant that I had real choices and wasn't staying out of fear. It also put the fear of god into my DH that splitting up was a real option.

Rubberduck2 · 10/10/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 10/10/2016 18:21

It's your decision, just as long as you realize you are fight/trying for the marriage you used to have. You are fighting/trying for a new degraded marriage in which it'll never be the same as you'll never know and always have some doubt in him.

Justaboy · 10/10/2016 20:07

yohoohoo I don't buy any of that and neither should you!.

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 00:33

Yohoohoo, I am feeling exactly like you, I said I won't go to counselling either. I feel he doesn't deserve it. I think he needs to address his disrespect towards me first before I am willing to work on anything in the way of conceding to his needs, which is why I find the idea of me going to joint counselling with my cheating oh insulting, at this stage at least.

Original poster
yohoohoo · 11/10/2016 12:44

Humble MN is my counselling I dot see the point of going together Im sure he would lie, he’s not going to be honest to a stranger in front of me. Also costs is a factor.

Humble you say your DH/P cheated – did he sleep with the OW? Ive read through the messages again Ive got them from around 3.5 weeks into the first meeting so have not seen the earlier ones and still cant believe that according to him they were “just messaging nothing else” the daily contact etc... She even expected to hear from him when he’d told her we were on a family day out. Not to stick up for DH but she does sound very full on with her replies and start of messages...Im surprised he kept up with it all I’d be a bag of nerves but then again he must of thought I was damn right stupid enough to even check up on him. Ive told him I might go to my friends this weekend on my own for a few days, I do really feel as if I need some time out also DD was very rude and upset me last night. He’s come back with well that wont help us sort through this as I’d have to tell DD why and I shold talk to him etc... He is panicing and I want him to as finally I think he is feeling some of the anxiety Ive been and am feeling

OP posts:
adora1 · 11/10/2016 12:51

Good, if he can feel a fraction of what he has put you through then it's a start, I still think you don't know the whole story and can't help but feel you should have kicked him out OP, for him to feel some kind of consequence, it feels very much like it's been hidden under the carpet pile, again, great for him, nothing changes but you have to suffer the indignity of what he has done.

Humblebee1 · 11/10/2016 12:59

Yes, he did, he says it was once, and of course how awful it was.

Scarydinosaurs · 12/10/2016 09:52

It's sounding more and more unlikely that they haven't had sex. And even if he didn't- how much does that matter to you?

How selfish for him criticising you for wanting some space. His trip on a stag do didn't do much for your relationship either- but your need for space is now necessitated by his actions so he can just deal with it.

12purpleapples · 12/10/2016 10:44

He sounds awful. Whatever happened or didn't happen you know that for a while he was emailing with her, thinking of her, asking her for pictures etc. He wasn't thinking of you or being emotionally engaged with you. And now he has come out with rubbish about lie detector tests?
He needs to do much better than this - its like the balance is all tilted - this should be about him trying to earn your trust back, and him thinking about how that can happen, not you trying to satisfy yourself that its OK to stay.

aquamarine2 · 12/10/2016 13:15

going through similar. Found a receipt. Of course he denied but I had had all day to put together evidence which could not be denied. Week or so in, he is still here, thinking I should get 'over it'. I think its the deceit that he carried on for a month that has really got to me. After 11 years. To be able to come home night after night (or not as the case may be) and carry on as normal. And the fact that he is making this my fault, I need to change apparently!! He was unhappy!! Don't know how it will work out but I totally get your need for full knowledge, the feeling of bereavement. Once the shock has worn off, the questions start, in your head.

Put yourself first and him a very poor second. Give yourself time, as long as it takes. Its a well trodden path and highly unoriginal.

Hope things work out for you, with or without him xxxx

TempusEedjit · 12/10/2016 14:03

Your said your DH has not stayed away since you found the messages but how do you know OW hasn't travelled to see him? It would be easy for him to "go to work" but pull a sickie/take annual leave. I did all the travel (over 200 miles each way) when first dating DH because he couldn't come to meet me due to having his DC so regularly.

None of what your DH says makes sense for the simple reason that it's not the truth and you're tying yourself up in knots trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. How plausible is it that both him and OW would become so heavily emotionally invested with each other if they'd had nothing more than a fleeting encounter? I could concede one person might read too much into a kiss, but both of them texting and messaging all hours? Nah.

Humblebee1 · 14/10/2016 03:49

Hi yohoohoo, how are you getting on? Did you manage to get away to your friends for a few days?

AmberEars · 14/10/2016 04:09

yohoo I think your idea of going to stay with friends this weekend is a really good plan.

Strawberry90 · 14/10/2016 04:15

On the stag do where they supposedly met - do you trust the other guys he was with? would they have stopped him being so silly cheating and/or could tell you the truth if something had happened? If it was my husband his mates would have got ow away and sent him home rather than ruin his marriage! Just a thought to see how feasible his story is. Does sound as though they've known each other longer although maybe it just developed quickly.

He's def slept with her, sorry. Think back to the start of your relationship - would he have emailed /phoned you or spoken that way if there hadn't been physical contact - def even a kiss and a grope!

Whatever way he's def cheated on you snd caused you to feel pants so do what you need to do.

Strawberry90 · 14/10/2016 04:17

Ps he doesn't want you to go away cos he knows he'll feel tempted to see or message her

Strawberry90 · 14/10/2016 04:27

Pps I know it's not right - but I'd be tempted to text her from your phone pretending to be him saying 'hi it's me, she found our messages/is watching my phone so I've bought a pay as you go one she doesn't know about [ie your no].' And then pretend to be him speaking with her and you'd get loads of info about whether he has called it off or not and poss more!

Strawberry90 · 14/10/2016 04:37

Ps ending it by email isn't conclusive - all he has to do is phone her afterwards and say he didn't mean it you were sat next to him and made him send it, can they meet up next week actually....

Strawberry90 · 14/10/2016 04:38

All I am saying is that you are being too trusting still. It doesn't sound as though your guy is being truthful or trustworthy yet

FrayedHem · 14/10/2016 11:54

Do the messages and emails back up his account of meeting at the stag do? Is there anything to suggest she lives in that area? It seems a bit weird; surely if you'd decided to go outside of your marriage on a stag do miles from home, you wouldn't be exchanging numbers and email addresses. I'd be needing some convincing on how it got to the frequent texting and emails.

I think going to stay with your friend sounds like an excellent idea and he surely can't begrudge you a night away after his recent behaviour.

Good luck

kaitlinktm · 14/10/2016 14:58

I too don't think you will gain much from speaking to OW.

(a) They could well have got their stories straight by now

(b) If she feels annoyed with him, she may lie and say there was something going on when there wasn't.

(c) If there was something going on and she admits it, he will only accuse her of lying because she is a woman scorned.

FWIW I too think that somehow - probably by her travelling and him taking time off which you didn't know about - they have managed to dtd. He will only have admitted to the least he could get away with.

I had to smile at him not wanting you to go to your friends and possibly having to have difficult conversations with DD (and possibly others) - why shouldn't he have those conversations? Why should you keep his dirty secret to protect his good name (which he doesn't deserve)? Go to your friend's and if he is annoyed/upset welcome him to your world.