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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me and tell me what to do and how to cope. Husband cheated and marriage over.

144 replies

Brokenapple · 02/10/2016 09:56

Children are 5 and 2. I found a text last night. Things haven't been good for a couple of years but I didn't expect this. He doesn't even seem sorry just defiant. I don't think he even wants to try but I'm not sure I do either - that's not point is it? I thought he would at least try.
What do I need to do now? I keep thinking about the kids with him and a new girlfriend. I can't stop being sick.
Practically what now?

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenapple · 05/10/2016 09:43

I'm entitled to half the business as he set it up when we were married. I've got the kids documents. Mortgage statement has been printed off. I don't know where the house deeds are.
I think the decision to separate is enough for me to cope with now. I am getting all the finances ready for the future.
My son skipped into school today. It breaks my heart the hurt he's going to cause him when he finds out. He's such a happy, sensitive child.
Can't eat today. Just sipping water.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 05/10/2016 11:00

You don't have to talk to your husband when he calls round today . Just because he wants to talk doesn't mean it's a good time for you.

If you do decide to talk, DONT AGREE ANYTHING

Just say" Mnn " and " I don't know" and " it's so complicated " and " I need time ".

Original poster
Brokenapple · 05/10/2016 11:14

He didn't come in the end he had to go work so I just said to tell me on the phone. It was just a question about a payment on the bank statement - normal stuff then we talked about the kids. I'm entering a numb stage. I've booked a few courses in work for end Oct with the thought that I should be in a better place by then. I've also ordered the Loccitaine advent calender for myself.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 05/10/2016 11:53

That's good. Are you managing to keep down more than water - I'm a bit worried about you .

diamond457 · 05/10/2016 13:11

The way he is acting is as if he is not the one in the wrong. Please keep your self respect and dignity in all this you are not the one in the wrong. He is a disgrace not even hugging you back after years of marriage and children. He is the one that cheated and he has shown no remorse.

You are far better off without this loser, trust me.
Things are very raw just now but you will find happiness again. Baby steps, one thing at a time. Move on and you will meet someone who is worthy of you one day.
Keep contact limited about the kids and the divorce if needs be. Don't be texting him saying you miss him or anything that will trigger an argument. He isn't even worthy enough to show remorse so keep your feelings to yourself and accept its over, accept your the better person in all this, a rock to your children and a credit to yourself. Do better!

Splishing · 05/10/2016 13:33

The reason he is acting so cold towards you is because when he looks at you he is reminded of how shit a person he is. You are the constant reminder of what he has done not only to you but also your DCs and he knows it. My H did the same and I couldn't understand why. It wasn't until a friend told me so. I remember the day he left and the way he looked at me. He looked so angry at me as though I was the one that had done something wrong for finding out he had cheated on me. It was also my fault that he cheated. Looking back at it now these are classic behaviours I just didn't know it at the time.
Hopefully work will be a good distraction for you.

Original poster
Brokenapple · 05/10/2016 13:51

He's always been a bit cold but this is another level. Today has been good. I've had some food at last and lots of tea. I'm concentrating on work as I love it and it will be my lifeline after this. I'm still numb but upset when I see or hear from him.
I've given up trying to understand what's in his head. The only control I have is over my feelings.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 05/10/2016 13:59

I think that was quite cruel of him to say he is coming over and not saying what it was about, then to find it was something so trivial.

Splishing is right, if he lets himself acknowledge the effect on you he then has to accept what a shit he is.

💐

Original poster
Brokenapple · 05/10/2016 14:23

I'm redecorating. I'm getting quotes. I'm buying the new car I had planned to. I'm making this house my home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Brokenapple · 05/10/2016 14:24

PS thank you for your flowers, encouragement and support. This is women at their best.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/10/2016 14:31

You are sounding stronger already.
You will have some down days and some crashes every now and then.
But this is a great start.
KOKO as we way on here!

Iamdobby63 · 05/10/2016 14:49

Good for you, keeping busy will really help.

myfriendnigel · 05/10/2016 16:07

Been lurking op, just coming on to say that I feel for you.
I had just started a new job when I found out about my now ex and best friend.
I lost that job in the end as it floored me but I didn't feel able To take time off so soon after starting and because they didn't know me well enough to see that my vacant staring and tear stained face under performance wasn't my usual self. It may be worth taking your line manager aside and just letting her know, as calmly as possible what's going on just to be on the safe side.
You sound like you are doing well considering. Remember to eat little and often and try and sleep.
You will need 12 months bank statements etc (not sure if anyone answered that one or not yet. You known be asked to do mediation to come to agreement on financials et -it can help so might be worth it-keeps costs down if it's successful-but no real hurry-don't decide anything yet whilst you are still in shock).
I'm sorry you are going going through this.

Original poster
Brokenapple · 05/10/2016 21:13

Just dropping in to say I'm OK today. Him leaving was for the best. I've ate and now I'm in bed with a cup of tea (this breaks all my rules)! I can't think about the future yet so I'll do one day at a time. Thanks for being there X

OP posts:
EmeraldIsle100 · 05/10/2016 21:34

Well done you are being incredibly strong against the odds. You will waver at times but you are one brave lady. Enjoy your new surroundings and just keep telling yourself that you can do it. It will be tough at times but you will come out the other side. Break all the rules you want!

Naicehamshop · 05/10/2016 22:36

Keep going - you are doing so well. Flowers

hermione2016 · 05/10/2016 22:57

Brilliant news, small steps but you are heading in the right direction.

cafenoirbiscuit · 05/10/2016 23:23

You can make all new rules now - you're moving on without your H !

Improvisingnow · 06/10/2016 07:54

Well done. It is early days so expect it to be up and down for a bit, but overall you will find the trend is upwards. There are lots of us who have been through this and find that, once time has passed, life is actually better than it was before.

Tell everyone that you are splitting up because he cheated. You will find that a lot of support emerges even from people you don't know that well. Also, try and budget for an occasional babysitter (and line one up in readiness) because when people invite you to things you want to be in a position to go. Go, even if you don't feel like it beforehand, because each time you do you are reclaiming your life.

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