Please help me and tell me what to do and how to cope. Husband cheated and marriage over.

[Brokenapple]

Children are 5 and 2. I found a text last night. Things haven't been good for a couple of years but I didn't expect this. He doesn't even seem sorry just defiant. I don't think he even wants to try but I'm not sure I do either - that's not point is it? I thought he would at least try.
What do I need to do now? I keep thinking about the kids with him and a new girlfriend. I can't stop being sick.
Practically what now?

[Improvisingnow]

Well done. It is early days so expect it to be up and down for a bit, but overall you will find the trend is upwards. There are lots of us who have been through this and find that, once time has passed, life is actually better than it was before.

Tell everyone that you are splitting up because he cheated. You will find that a lot of support emerges even from people you don't know that well. Also, try and budget for an occasional babysitter (and line one up in readiness) because when people invite you to things you want to be in a position to go. Go, even if you don't feel like it beforehand, because each time you do you are reclaiming your life.

[cafenoirbiscuit]

You can make all new rules now - you're moving on without your H !

[hermione2016]

Brilliant news, small steps but you are heading in the right direction.

[Naicehamshop]

Keep going - you are doing so well.

[EmeraldIsle100]

Well done you are being incredibly strong against the odds. You will waver at times but you are one brave lady. Enjoy your new surroundings and just keep telling yourself that you can do it. It will be tough at times but you will come out the other side. Break all the rules you want!

[Brokenapple]

Just dropping in to say I'm OK today. Him leaving was for the best. I've ate and now I'm in bed with a cup of tea (this breaks all my rules)! I can't think about the future yet so I'll do one day at a time. Thanks for being there X

[myfriendnigel]

Been lurking op, just coming on to say that I feel for you.
I had just started a new job when I found out about my now ex and best friend.
I lost that job in the end as it floored me but I didn't feel able To take time off so soon after starting and because they didn't know me well enough to see that my vacant staring and tear stained face under performance wasn't my usual self. It may be worth taking your line manager aside and just letting her know, as calmly as possible what's going on just to be on the safe side.
You sound like you are doing well considering. Remember to eat little and often and try and sleep.
You will need 12 months bank statements etc (not sure if anyone answered that one or not yet. You known be asked to do mediation to come to agreement on financials et -it can help so might be worth it-keeps costs down if it's successful-but no real hurry-don't decide anything yet whilst you are still in shock).
I'm sorry you are going going through this.

[Iamdobby63]

Good for you, keeping busy will really help.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You are sounding stronger already.
You will have some down days and some crashes every now and then.
But this is a great start.
KOKO as we way on here!

[Brokenapple]

PS thank you for your flowers, encouragement and support. This is women at their best.

[Brokenapple]

I'm redecorating. I'm getting quotes. I'm buying the new car I had planned to. I'm making this house my home.

[Iamdobby63]

I think that was quite cruel of him to say he is coming over and not saying what it was about, then to find it was something so trivial.

Splishing is right, if he lets himself acknowledge the effect on you he then has to accept what a shit he is.

💐

[Brokenapple]

He's always been a bit cold but this is another level. Today has been good. I've had some food at last and lots of tea. I'm concentrating on work as I love it and it will be my lifeline after this. I'm still numb but upset when I see or hear from him.
I've given up trying to understand what's in his head. The only control I have is over my feelings.

[Splishing]

The reason he is acting so cold towards you is because when he looks at you he is reminded of how shit a person he is. You are the constant reminder of what he has done not only to you but also your DCs and he knows it. My H did the same and I couldn't understand why. It wasn't until a friend told me so. I remember the day he left and the way he looked at me. He looked so angry at me as though I was the one that had done something wrong for finding out he had cheated on me. It was also my fault that he cheated. Looking back at it now these are classic behaviours I just didn't know it at the time.
Hopefully work will be a good distraction for you.

[diamond457]

The way he is acting is as if he is not the one in the wrong. Please keep your self respect and dignity in all this you are not the one in the wrong. He is a disgrace not even hugging you back after years of marriage and children. He is the one that cheated and he has shown no remorse.

You are far better off without this loser, trust me.
Things are very raw just now but you will find happiness again. Baby steps, one thing at a time. Move on and you will meet someone who is worthy of you one day.
Keep contact limited about the kids and the divorce if needs be. Don't be texting him saying you miss him or anything that will trigger an argument. He isn't even worthy enough to show remorse so keep your feelings to yourself and accept its over, accept your the better person in all this, a rock to your children and a credit to yourself. Do better!

[Kr1stina]

That's good. Are you managing to keep down more than water - I'm a bit worried about you .

[Brokenapple]

He didn't come in the end he had to go work so I just said to tell me on the phone. It was just a question about a payment on the bank statement - normal stuff then we talked about the kids. I'm entering a numb stage. I've booked a few courses in work for end Oct with the thought that I should be in a better place by then. I've also ordered the Loccitaine advent calender for myself.

[Kr1stina]

You don't have to talk to your husband when he calls round today . Just because he wants to talk doesn't mean it's a good time for you.

If you do decide to talk, DONT AGREE ANYTHING

Just say" Mnn " and " I don't know" and " it's so complicated " and " I need time ".

[Brokenapple]

I'm entitled to half the business as he set it up when we were married. I've got the kids documents. Mortgage statement has been printed off. I don't know where the house deeds are.
I think the decision to separate is enough for me to cope with now. I am getting all the finances ready for the future.
My son skipped into school today. It breaks my heart the hurt he's going to cause him when he finds out. He's such a happy, sensitive child.
Can't eat today. Just sipping water.

[Shesgotelectricboobs]

broken it's great you've eaten. Small steps. You need to be strong on this one. Make sure you take care of you. Then you can take care of everything else.

Keep talking

Grab passports for you and the kids (take copies as well), bank statements house deeds bills etc. You wil need this for financial evidence.

Re his company, who are the directors? Just him? Or are you one too? Are you a shareholder? (Check companies house) if you are you maybe be entitled to a share of the business. (Inknow a lot of people who added their wives as shareholders without their knowledge...)

[Humblebee1]

You're overwhelmed and its no wonder. You will survive.

[Brokenapple]

He's going to call home this morning. This is unplanned so I don't know what it's about. Texts are short. Telephone conversation a few words. I'm better off out aren't I?

[hellsbellsmelons]

The time it takes is well..... the time it takes.
It's different for everyone.
I did keep going to work to keep my mind off of things.
But I did have times when I had to head to the toilets for a good cry.
At home, once DD was in bed I'd find a corner and curl up into a ball and sob and sob and sob.
There will be no end to the amount of tears your body can create.
In all honestly, my family and friends got me through it.
They were such a great support for me.
I would say it took a good 4-6 months before I stopped crying.
But then the crying sessions lessen and get further apart.
Then one day you won't cry at all and it will start to get better.
You absolutely will get through this.
Like I've said, solids aren't easy to keep down so anything that isn't a solid.
Smoothies, sugary tea, ice lollies, soups.
Try that kind of thing and see if you can keep it down.
You are in shock. Pure and simple. It's horrible and you've no idea how you'll get through it.
But you will.
You need to look after yourself though.
Keep hydrated and sugar levels up.
Get as much RL support as you can around you.
It's a truly horrific time.
So many of us have been there and we can tell you that it will improve.
One day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Right now do not worry about divorce proceedings.
It took me 5 years to get my divorce.
Just get through each hour of the day as best you can.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but you will come out better and stronger. You really will!
for and a very big UnMN ((((((HUG))))))

[user1474193901]

OMG Kr1stina

You wrote "I honestly believed that I had a happy marraige, not perfect but better than average . It took me a long time to see that everyone was fine as long as I was 100% doing what he wanted and 100% focused on him and his needs. As soon as I went against his wishes ( objecting to OW) and started making demands, I discovered I was just a piece of dirt on his shoe."

God, how true. This was me too. I now see I was emotionally controlled/abused and gaslighted for a long time, to cover up his infidelities and shortcomings as a father and husband. Like you say, as soon as you start calling them out on stuff they turn from being 'normal' to treating you like your a piece of sh1t. I was blamed for the fact my marriage didn't work... Not his fault at all that he had affairs, never spent time with his children or me, was out socialising 5 nights a week, having lads holidays whilst we went without a family holiday... All my fault it didn't work apparently. If I'd been a better wife there wouldn't be a problem!? What he meant was, if I hadn't objected to all his shortcoming and affairs etc then he wouldn't have decided the marriage was over. It was ok as long as I kept my mouth shut and did all the motherly duties and kept house. And to top if off its me that paying for the divorce and fighting for a fair financial agreement whilst he pays for nothing!
The worse thing is that I do feel like a failure that my husband and partner for 20 years did this to me, and our boys.

[Brokenapple]

He's the same acting like there's never been any relationship. I tried to hug him bye and he leaned away and went stiff.
I had a good chat with my sister. I don't feel strong
enough to start divorce I feel like I need to come to terms to where I am now. I honestly couldn't drive there I'm so weak.
I had a good evening with the children yesterday. We all ended up in the same bed and I got some sleep.
I'll concentrate on getting my work done today.
Please keep sharing your experiences. It really helps.
He's acting like we are strangers and attacking me to win arguments. Who is this man? Why isn't he sorry? Why doesn't he care about me?