Please help me and tell me what to do and how to cope. Husband cheated and marriage over.

[Brokenapple]

Children are 5 and 2. I found a text last night. Things haven't been good for a couple of years but I didn't expect this. He doesn't even seem sorry just defiant. I don't think he even wants to try but I'm not sure I do either - that's not point is it? I thought he would at least try.
What do I need to do now? I keep thinking about the kids with him and a new girlfriend. I can't stop being sick.
Practically what now?

[SandyY2K]

Why isn't he begging forgiveness?

Because he doesn't care anymore.

The 180 will help you move forward and have a good life without him

healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-unfaithful-spouse.html?m=1

[Brokenapple]

I feel like a weight has been lifted. Divorce appointment made. Hopefully it will be over by mid January. I've been on mumsnet for years and never ever thought this would happen to me.
I can't thank everyone enough who has shared their stories and offered advice.
I realised earlier I was grateful when he was nice to me.
Most important is the kids now. I'll be the best mum in the world.

[Iamdobby63]

That's the spirit!

You will be ok, there will be ups and downs but in the end you will be in a much better place.

[user1474193901]

You're amazing. You've come so far in such a short space of time. The road ahead is bumpy, but... it's got to be better than staying with someone like that. It's the hardest lesson I've had to learn too. But you deserve better. We all do.

[QuarterMileAtATime]

I have been where you are brokenapple - a year ago, really very similar... It's amazing how quickly life gets better - not just better than now, better than before. While it is a horrible time, it might turn out to be the best thing to have happened.

[Brokenapple]

I've spent this evening begging him to stay and sort it out. My heads all over the place. I just want it to be sorted and over and that seemed the easiest option at the time. Now I want him gone. I'm numb almost past caring.
How long does it take to get better once he's gone?

[aefondkisses]

Getting him out of the house will help but it does take time, especially if you spend that time looking for answers, apologies, love (all of which you deserve but he's not the person to get that from). Don't be like me and waste time trying to understand why, I made myself ill. I got so much better when I let go of trying to understand him. Concentrate on the facts. His behaviour has been callous to say the least. That's all you need to know. There are kind loving men around you don't have to give any more of your precious energy to this one. If you focus just on the here and now then you won't be so tortured by regret or nostalgia or whatever. This is the real him and you sound way way too good for him. Keep all your love for someone who is honest, caring and respectful.
If you want it to go fast you need to disengage emotionally..
So sorry I know how hard it is x

[hellsbellsmelons]

I will take a while.
Don't rush anything.
Don't beg.
You know you are better than that.
Don't do the pick me damce.
No hysterical bonding.
He needs to understand loss.
But I think you already know you will be happier long term without him.

[aefondkisses]

Ps others on here will have their own concrete examples of what disengaging actually looks like but here are some of mine if that helps:

• not begging/asking for anything (explanations, love, a hug, an apology, help with anything)..no-one can take your dignity
  
• only providing information where strictly necessary
  
• not seeking explanations from or confiding in his friends or family
  
• not threatening divorce..just going ahead with it one small step at a time
  
• refusing to enter into arguments
  
• refusing to listen to insults, blame, whiney attempts at playing victim, walk away
  
• only answering texts about DC and where strictly necessary...
  
• avoiding being alone with him if you see that he becomes aggressive and/or is trying to mess with your head (rewrite history, selective memory)
  
• write things down to avoid talking to him (and to remind yourself what was said in case of future denials)...
  
  I could probably find more but it's late. Hope you're managing to eat a little bit. And rest a much as you can. It does get better I promise.

[cafenoirbiscuit]

You need to treat him like a different man now, rather than your old familiar husband. Sadly the old one is gone, replaced by someone who looks the same, sounds the same, yet isn't the same. This man is a stranger and you owe him nothing. Stay strong, Apple xx

[Brokenapple]

Can't eat. I'm up being sick. How has my life come to this? He's sleeping like a baby in the spare room. I need to face up to facts that things haven't been right for a while and now I have a clean break. I'm 43, my kids are small. Being a single mum to small kids, teenagers etc is terrifying.
I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

[Splishing]

Please stay strong OP. I am a few months down the line from a very similar situation. It isn't easy but it will get a little easier every day. I found once H moved out it was a lot easier too. I had barely eaten for weeks & once he was gone my appetite returned. It is difficult to completely to detach because of DC, that I am still struggling with. If you are struggling to sleep then speak to GP they can give you sleeping tablets just for a few days. You won't be able to think clearly on so little sleep. You can & will get through this. The DCs will keep you going too.

[Brokenapple]

I work full time. In a new job and can't take time off. I can't function.
How long does it take to get through this stage? Thank you fir replying.

[Brokenapple]

Do I need to provide my bank statement for divorce? We have separate accounts and a joint one.

[EmeraldIsle100]

Try not to look ahead too much. You can of course raise two children, you are more than capable. I second what HellsBells said, tell people in real life including your family and his. Watch how calm and collected he appears when his dirty little secret is out.

I know you are devastated but you can do this and you already are doing it. Well done for seeing the solicitor. You need to pretend you are in the driving seat until you really start to feel it, fake it until you make it.

Who knows what will happen in the future but right now you can behave like you are not taking any shit from him. Don't let him push you about any more. This is your life and you start to make the decisions for yourself.

[Splishing]

You must see GP then. They might be able to even sign you off for a few days. It took me a while to get through it but that was because my H took ages to leave but also played awful mind games at the same time. Even now though he has been gone a few weeks I still have bad days but they are getting fewer. Telling people in RL does help. I didn't want to at first but it is part of the process. You will discover how much support you have and from the least likely of places too.

Your solicitor will tell you all you need. But I think you will need to take copies of bank statements (both separate & joint), mortgage statements if you own your house, any pension information, any savings statements.

[Brokenapple]

I don't feel strong enough to get through this. I still love him.
He's leaving me weather he cheated or not. He's the one ending it now. I just feel pathetic.
How do people cope day to day from here? I've not ate since Saturday. I've drank tea and water.
I can't cope myself so how do I tell the kids and support them?

[Brokenapple]

What can the gp do? I don't want tablets or anything as I need to get through this and deal with it. I am new in the job and need to keep it! I'll tell my sister tomorrow.

[Brokenapple]

Thank you for replying I feel a bit calmer.

[HelenaDove]

Just caught this thread. I am so sorry OP You must try to eat something. Toast or crackers or water biscuits if there are any in your cupboards.

[cafenoirbiscuit]

It's a roller coaster. Every downward spiral is one you don't have to do again, and one nearer solid ground. You can do this

[Brokenapple]

His bags packed. He's booked somewhere for 2 nights. How do I get through today?

[Iamdobby63]

As hard as this is right now it is for the best in the long run.

He has emotionally detached from you and delaying the inevitable will totally destroy you.

You will survive this.

Do tell your sister and anyone else in RL who will support you. The GP was suggested in order to sign you off work, anti depressants can help to get you through, hopefully as a temporary measure.

Your emotions are all over the place and that is totally expected, go with the flow. Just concentrate on your children and your health.

[Brokenapple]

Why do I want him to stay if he's so detached and horrible? Am I mental? Kids got to school ok but I was fighting back the tears. Can someone tell me how long it takes before I can function?

[Iamdobby63]

Timing on recovery will be different for everyone, sadly I doubt anyone can say for sure.

Why do you want him to stay? Is it actually him as a person you want to stay, or is it a fear of being on your own, or is it the loss of simply being married?